_Dear Pa_:
There's no doubt that the Hot Springs are great for a good many
ailments, and I'm glad you are improving. Professor Plexus, our old
instructor in calisthenics at Harvard, used to take the trip to Arkansas
with John L. Sullivan, twice a year, and they both said the treatment
was fine. I don't think Sullivan had rheumatism, but your case may not
be the same as his, and the scalding process will probably do you more
good than it does a regular Graham hog. The boys around the office laugh
considerably when they mention you and the Hot Springs, which makes me
rather warm under the collar, for I can't stand having a father of mine
misapprehended. I know you for what you are, but they know you for what
they think you are, and provisional knowledge, you know, goes a long
ways in the provision business.
Speaking of the Hot Springs reminds me of a story Professor Plexus used
to tell about the Arkansas boiling vats. According to him, there used to
be a morgue connected with the establishment, for the use of those who
were unlucky enough to succumb to the treatment. An old Irishman was the
general factotum of the place, and it happened that he was afflicted
with a bronchial disturbance that was the envy of every cougher who
visited the spot. Meeting him one day in the abode of the departed, one
of the doctors remarked to him, on hearing a particularly sepulchral
wheeze:
"Pat, I wouldn't have your cough for five hundred dollars."
"Is thot so, sorr?" retorted the son of Erin. "Well," pointing with his
thumb to the inner room where the departed patients lay on slabs covered
with sheets, "they's a felly in there who wud give five t'ousand uf _he_
cud hav ut."
I simply mention this little incident in passing to show that all of us
prefer the ills we have to those we know not of. I would rather be a
mailing clerk at eight per than a free man working freight trains for
transportation and relying on hand-outs for sustenance in place of Ma's
frugal, but certain _table d'hôte_.
I sincerely trust, sir, that your trip to the Springs will do you the
anticipated good. Billy Poindexter says--(by the way, I guess you didn't
know he was back from the Klondike. Not exactly that, either, for he
didn't reach the Klondike. The nearest he got to it was on the map he
bought while he was here. He went no farther than San Francisco. His
only object in starting for the Yukon, he says, was to see if he
couldn't pick up a good thing or two, and as he found them in 'Frisco he
stayed there.) He was much concerned about you when I told him you had
gone to the Springs.
"Too bad for your governor," he said. "He must suffer terribly with
them."
"With them?" I asked. "With what?"
"Why, boils, of course. What would he go to the Hot Springs for, if not
for boils?"
It cost me five minutes' time in a very busy evening to find out that he
had made a very bad joke, a paranomasia as we called it in college; in
other words, a pun or play upon words. I've advised Billy to publish a
chart of this joke. If he does I'll send you one. He says I'm as dense
as that English lord who visited the works while you were away last
fall.
Apropos, we met him--the lord--the other night. We were having a bite to
eat at a rathskeller after the theatre when "his ludship" wandered in.
He was built up regardless, with an Inverness coat with grey plaids,
that looked like a country-bred rag carpet. It was the real thing, of
course, and I made up my mind to save the four dollars that have been
added to my stipend until I could get one like it. I decided, however,
that I shall not make my possession of it public until he has left the
country. I should really hate to be mistaken for him. I even prefer to
be known as connected with your business.
Strange to say, when "his ludship" reached our table, he halted
uncertainly as he saw me, and then stepped forward.
"You'll--aw--pawdon me, doncherknow, but--aw--is not this--aw--young
Mr.--aw--Graham?"
I pleaded guilty, with a mental plea for mercy, and the next thing I
knew his dukelets had made his monocle a part of the set-up of our
table. I was very much embarrassed, for I didn't know how to introduce
him to Billy. But his earlship quickly backed me out of that corner by
calling Billy by name.
"Yaas, old chap," he was saying, "I met you--aw--at the Ring Club,
doncherknow."
Billy didn't know, because his sight is often very bad, especially at
the Ring Club. So the Marquis gave his memory a push.
"I'm Fitz-Herbert," he said.
This gave us the route, for his picture has several times filled up
space between breakfast food ads. in the newspapers. Not that he ever
seems to do anything; he's always being done for, as the guest of this,
that and the other. He was desperately civil, wouldn't have us "Lord
Percying" him, he said. So it was plain Percy after that and "plain
Percy" he surely is. A homelier man I've never seen outside the comic
weeklies. It would be great if you could hire him, dad, to scare the
steers into the killing pens. He likes American ways, he told us,
between orders to the waiter. The way he did keep Garcon bringing things
was a caution, and he ate and drank them, too. But he is bright and sees
a point oftener than most Britishers. Some things he said made it seem
almost impossible that he could be other than a Yankee.
Billy was very hard to keep in order. About midnight he usually feels
patriotic and he said some things that would have riled his lordship if
I hadn't tipped him the wink not to mind. Billy waved the "Star Spangled
Banner" at every opportunity and if the British Isles could have heard
and believed him they'd have sunk in sheer chagrin. He bragged so loudly
of Uncle Sam and "the greatest nation on earth," that the night clerk
woke up and came down to see how many police reserves were needed to
quell the riot.
Lord Percy stood it like a weathered sport, but finally, when Billy was
too busy for a minute to talk, he smiled over to me and said, "America's
a great country, Mr. Poindexter, but--aw--you must admit, doncherknow,
that London is ahead of New York--aw--in one thing."
Billy was right on his feet to deny everything.
"Ahead of New York!" he cried, with a scornful laugh, "In what, pray?"
"Why, my deah boy, you must know that it's nine o'clock in London when
it's only four in New York."
This seemed to daze Billy, and while he was recovering Lord Percy
excused himself to speak to some friends at the other end of the café.
He hadn't come back when the place closed and his pile of checks was
credited to Poindexter's account by the obsequious head waiter. I've
since seen by the newspapers that Lord Percy's engagement to Millicent
Wheatleigh is announced. As she's got more money than any girl should be
allowed to spend all alone, I presume Lord Percy will be less
thoughtless about café checks after the wedding march.
As you already know, I'm no longer a stamp-licker at the old figure, but
a billing clerk at twelve per. I take it that they wanted to get rid of
me in my earlier situation, and passed me along toward the ownership of
the house with a right good will. Whatever the motive, I appreciate the
fact, for the extra four bones will enable me to get my boots blacked
occasionally, and justify my acquiring better cigars than the kind that
used to drive my friends away. As you say, if I am good enough to
warrant my boss pushing me upward I ought to satisfy you that I am a
rising young man in the splendid enterprise of murdering hogs. I am
really learning a good deal of the business, for I can now tell a
ham-fat from a legitimate actor, and heaven knows we have few enough of
the latter in Chicago. Billy Poindexter says that in the east they speak
of "trying it on the hog," when they produce a new play in this town,
and that if the animal squeals and shows signs of displeasure, they know
the thing will be a great success in New York.
But to return to business. I am glad you are so worked up about my rapid
rise in Graham & Co. To be sure, an ordinary bill poster around town can
earn more than twelve dollars a week, but his future is generally
limited to three-sheet bills and a pail of slush, while I am ticketed to
a considerable share in the assets of Graham & Co. Of course, we all
know that this starting away down and rising by merit is considerable
of a bluff, for I am your heir-at-law, and could very likely break your
will if you should become cantankerous in your final testament. Of
course you understand that I am not threatening you at all, but there
are certain physiological facts in my position which cannot very well be
overlooked. You didn't consult me when I became Pierrepont Graham, nor
did I ask you to go into the pork-packing business. Since each
enterprise was a success in a way, we ought to make mutual concessions.
[Illustration: _The Son's College Girl._]
I think I ought to tell you that Ma is getting uneasy about you. She
even goes so far as to say that she takes no stock in the Hot Springs
business, but thinks you are in St. Louis, having a deuce of a time. I
can't see why she should be so suspicious. When I showed her the
postmark on your letter, she sniffed and said it was easy enough to get
some one to mail it from the Arkansas boiling-out place. She threatens
to start for St. Louis in a day or two if you don't show up, which might
be a pretty good thing, for I could telegraph you as soon as she left,
and you could be at home when she returned, and give her the grand
laugh. It's a wise wife who doesn't know her own husband, after all.
I am getting into the social swim with both hands and feet, spite of our
business. Made a great hit at the De Porque's the other night. The girls
are getting up a new dancing association and wanted me to name
it--because I was a Harvard man. I told them to call it the St. Vitus
Club, and you ought to have seen their faces.
I regret to learn that you are in the hands of a specialist. I had one
of that brand of doctors when I had the grippe at Cambridge. I grew
worse suddenly one night, and as my chum couldn't reach the regular
physician by 'phone he called in another. He had not been in the room
three minutes when doctor No. 1 drew alongside. They were painfully
cordial and had what they called a consultation. My chum said it was a
fight. At all events they decided that a specialist be called. I was
feeling better by that time and began to take notice. From what I saw
then and have since learned from others similarly afflicted I gather
that a specialist always wears gloves and a beard and speaks with great
deliberation and gravity. After feeling my pulse with excessive care, he
turned to each of the medical men in turn and inquired what they had
done and recommended. To each statement he muttered, "Very good," or
"That is well," although the two regulars had failed to agree on any
point. The other two doctors went away, with lingering glances, as if
they hated to give me up. Then the specialist came out strong. "This
young man," he said slowly and impressively, "has the grippe. You will
continue his medicines regularly to-night--mark me, regularly. I will
prescribe for him in the morning--in the morning." Then he walked out.
When he called in the morning I had done the same thing--walked out. I
felt a moral certainty that if he got after me I should eventually have
to be carried out. The bunco business is not confined to gentlemen with
beetle brows, big moustaches and checked trousers.
But doctors have their troubles--the conscientious ones. Doc Mildmay--my
chum Frank's brother, you know--once had an experience with a chronic
invalid--one of the kind that change their doctor and their disease
every two weeks--that was an eye-opener. A nervous, choleric old man
sent for him. He was chock full of symptoms and his conversation sounded
like a patent medicine folder. He wound up thusly: "When I go upstairs
or up a hill I find difficulty in breathing and often get a stitch in
the side. These conditions, doctor, denote a threatening affection of
the heart."
Mildmay, finding the old fellow fat and thick-necked, decided he was a
too liberal feeder, so, with a desire to set his fears at rest, he said:
"I trust not. These are by no means necessary symptoms of heart
trouble." Here the old man switched in, glaring at Mildmay. "I am sorry,
sir," he said fiercely, "to note such lack of discretion. How can you
presume to differ with me as to the significance of my symptoms? You, a
young physician, and I an old and--well, I may say, a seasoned,
experienced invalid."
Doc needed a fee badly enough, but just then needed the air more and got
out.
Ma might send her love if I asked her, but I guess you'd better trim
ship for the home anchorage.
Dutifully,
PIERREPONT.
P.S. I've just learned that Lord Percy Fitz-Herbert's engagement to
Millicent Wheatleigh has been broken off. It seems she refused to marry
him because of his family. It was a wife and three children in Maine,
which is the nearest he's known to have ever been to London.
LETTER No. IX.
_Pierrepont gives his Pa a line on the up-to-date methods of courtship,
relates an episode of calf-love and has a fling at matrimonial adages._