"GERMANY," says Count RANTZAU, "cannot be treated as a second-rate
nation." Not while it is represented by tenth-rate noblemen.
***
People are now asking who the General is who has threatened not to
write a book about the War?
***
On Sunday week, at Tallaght, Co. Dublin, seven men attacked a
policeman. The campaign for a brighter Sunday is evidently not
wanted in Ireland.
***
The United States Government is sending a Commission to investigate
industrial conditions in the British Isles. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we
understand, has courteously offered to try to keep one or two
industries going until the Commission arrives.
***
"Everything that happened more than a fortnight ago," says Mr. GEORGE
BERNARD SHAW in _The Daily News_, "always is forgotten in this land
of political trifling." We must draw what comfort we can from the
reflection that Mr. SHAW himself happened more than a fortnight ago.
***
"Margarine," says an official notice, "can be bought anywhere
after to-day." This is not the experience of the man who entered
an ironmonger's shop and asked for a couple of feet of it.
***
A woman who threatened to murder a neighbour was fined one shilling at
Chertsey. We shudder to think what it would have cost her if she had
actually carried out her threat.
***
A contemporary refers to "those abominable face-masks" now being worn
in London. Can this be a revival of the late Mr. RICHARDSON'S campaign
against the wearing of whiskers?
***
"A Court of Justice is not a place of amusement," said Mr. Justice
ROCHE at Manchester Assizes. Mr. Justice DARLING'S rejoinder is
eagerly awaited.
***
We are informed by "Hints for the Home," that "Salsify may be lifted
during the next few days." So may Susan, if you don't watch out.
***
So many safes have been stolen from business premises in London that
one enterprising man has hit upon the novel idea of putting a notice
on his safe, "Not to be Taken Away."
***
A sapper of the Royal Engineers who climbed the steeple of a parish
church and reached the clock told the local magistrates that he wanted
to see the dial. That, of course, is no real excuse in these days of
cheap wrist-watches.
***
By order of the Local Government Board influenza has been made a
notifiable disease. We sincerely hope that this will be a lesson to
it.
***
An evening paper suggests that the Albert Hall should be purchased by
the nation. We understand, however, that our contemporary has been
forestalled by a gentleman who has offered to take it on the condition
that a bathroom (h. and c.) is added.
***
A correspondent writes to a paper to ask if it is necessary to have a
licence to play the cornet in the streets. All that is necessary, we
understand, is a strong constitution and indomitable pluck.
***
We are asked to deny the foolish allegation that several M.P.s only
went into Parliament because they couldn't get sleeping accommodation
elsewhere.
***
In connection with the rush for trains on the Underground, an official
is reported to have said that things would be much better if everybody
undertook not to travel during the busiest hours.
***
An American journal advertises a lighthouse for sale. It is said to
be just the thing for tall men in search of a seaside residence.
***
The policeman who told the Islington bus-driver to take off his
influenza mask is going on as well as can be expected.
***
Pwllheli Town Council is reported to have refused the offer of a
German gun as a trophy. The Council is apparently piqued because it
was not asked in the first instance whether it wanted a war at all.
***
All Metropolitan police swords have been called in. We decline to
credit the explanation that, in spite of constant practice, members
of the force, kept cutting their mouths.
***
French politicians are advocating the giving of an additional vote for
each child in the family. In France, it will be remembered, the clergy
are celibate.
***
"We are looking for the ideal omnibus," says an official of the
L.G.O.C. We had no idea that they had lost it. Meanwhile their other
omnibus continues to cause a good deal of excitement as it flashes
by.
***
"Buildings occupied by the League of Nations," says _The Daily Mail_,
"are to enjoy the benefits of extraterritoriality." It sounds a lot,
but we were afraid it was going to be something much more expensive
than that.
***
"In a month," says a news item, "fourteen abandoned babies have been
found in London." Debauched, no doubt, by the movies.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE MORNING AFTER THE BURGLARY. "AND HE'S LEFT THE
LIGHT ON!"]
* * * * *