In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of
an avaricious Jew.
“The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was
that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name
was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year
of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in
history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it.
Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I
myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed,
I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might
otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so
that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides,
though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the
Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time,
to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could
not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour:
for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening.
“I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a
philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she
had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not
to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage,
viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been
got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is
worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that
means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if
our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again.
“Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and
went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good
market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with
Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these
reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater
safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient
succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my
traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water.
“But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish
and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached
Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of
my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched.
“The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one
constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to
you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order.
“A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged
himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he
should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in
half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this
man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars
of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I
afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing
he would give a better price than any other.
“A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had
purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid
him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed,
he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed
this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could
not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in
work three times the value of it.
“As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to
infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions
to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to
eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our
collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for
that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this
was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere
for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever
the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as
paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself
strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I
reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance.
“But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached
myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which
have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly
escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per
cent in the price.
“By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of
distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and
ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however,
obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will
often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but
that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my
darling treasure.
“The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater.
However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that
they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that
I may say with Virgil--
‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’
Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth,
save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master
of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more
uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure.
“To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to
procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one
moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep.
“In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never
undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed
to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in
expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that
nobody was to be d--n’d in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have
since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.”