* * * * * * *
Scene I--JULIA's Dressing-Room.
[JULIA discovered alone.]
JULIA
How this message has alarmed me! what dreadful accident can he mean?
why such charge to be alone?--O Faulkland!--how many unhappy
moments--how many tears have you cost me.
[Enter FAULKLAND.]
JULIA
What means this?--why this caution, Faulkland?
FAULKLAND
Alas! Julia, I am come to take a long farewell.
JULIA
Heavens! what do you mean?
FAULKLAND
You see before you a wretch, whose life is forfeited. Nay, start
not!--the infirmity of my temper has drawn all this misery on me. I
left you fretful and passionate--an untoward accident drew me into a
quarrel--the event is, that I must fly this kingdom instantly. O Julia,
had I been so fortunate as to have called you mine entirely, before
this mischance had fallen on me, I should not so deeply dread my
banishment!
JULIA
My soul is oppressed with sorrow at the nature of your misfortune: had
these adverse circumstances arisen from a less fatal cause, I should
have felt strong comfort in the thought that I could now chase from
your bosom every doubt of the warm sincerity of my love. My heart has
long known no other guardian--I now entrust my person to your
honour--we will fly together. When safe from pursuit, my father's will
may be fulfilled--and I receive a legal claim to be the partner of your
sorrows, and tenderest comforter. Then on the bosom of your wedded
Julia, you may lull your keen regret to slumbering; while virtuous
love, with a cherub's hand, shall smooth the brow of upbraiding
thought, and pluck the thorn from compunction.
FAULKLAND
O Julia! I am bankrupt in gratitude! but the time is so pressing, it
calls on you for so hasty a resolution.--Would you not wish some hours
to weigh the advantages you forego, and what little compensation poor
Faulkland can make you beside his solitary love?
JULIA
I ask not a moment. No, Faulkland, I have loved you for yourself: and
if I now, more than ever, prize the solemn engagement which so long has
pledged us to each other, it is because it leaves no room for hard
aspersions on my fame, and puts the seal of duty to an act of love. But
let us not linger. Perhaps this delay----
FAULKLAND
'Twill be better I should not venture out again till dark. Yet am I
grieved to think what numberless distresses will press heavy on your
gentle disposition!
JULIA
Perhaps your fortune may be forfeited by this unhappy act.--I know not
whether 'tis so; but sure that alone can never make us unhappy. The
little I have will be sufficient to support us; and exile never should
be splendid.
FAULKLAND
Ay, but in such an abject state of life, my wounded pride perhaps may
increase the natural fretfulness of my temper, till I become a rude,
morose companion, beyond your patience to endure. Perhaps the
recollection of a deed my conscience cannot justify may haunt me in
such gloomy and unsocial fits, that I shall hate the tenderness that
would relieve me, break from your arms, and quarrel with your fondness!
JULIA
If your thoughts should assume so unhappy a bent, you will the more
want some mild and affectionate spirit to watch over and console you:
one who, by bearing your infirmities with gentleness and resignation,
may teach you so to bear the evils of your fortune.
FAULKLAND
Julia, I have proved you to the quick! and with this useless device I
throw away all my doubts. How shall I plead to be forgiven this last
unworthy effect of my restless, unsatisfied disposition?
JULIA
Has no such disaster happened as you related?
FAULKLAND
I am ashamed to own that it was pretended; yet in pity, Julia, do not
kill me with resenting a fault which never can be repeated: but
sealing, this once, my pardon, let me to-morrow, in the face of Heaven,
receive my future guide and monitress, and expiate my past folly by
years of tender adoration.
JULIA
Hold, Faulkland!--that you are free from a crime, which I before feared
to name, Heaven knows how sincerely I rejoice! These are tears of
thankfulness for that! But that your cruel doubts should have urged you
to an imposition that has wrung my heart, gives me now a pang more keen
than I can express!
FAULKLAND
By Heavens! Julia----
JULIA
Yet hear me,--My father loved you, Faulkland! and you preserved the
life that tender parent gave me; in his presence I pledged my
hand--joyfully pledged it--where before I had given my heart. When,
soon after, I lost that parent, it seemed to me that Providence had, in
Faulkland, shown me whither to transfer without a pause, my grateful
duty, as well as my affection; hence I have been content to bear from
you what pride and delicacy would have forbid me from another. I will
not upbraid you, by repeating how you have trifled with my sincerity
----
FAULKLAND
I confess it all! yet hear----
JULIA
After such a year of trial, I might have flattered myself that I should
not have been insulted with a new probation of my sincerity, as cruel
as unnecessary! I now see it is not in your nature to be content or
confident in love. With this conviction--I never will be yours. While I
had hopes that my persevering attention, and unreproaching kindness,
might in time reform your temper, I should have been happy to have
gained a dearer influence over you; but I will not furnish you with a
licensed power to keep alive an incorrigible fault, at the expense of
one who never would contend with you.
FAULKLAND
Nay, but, Julia, by my soul and honour, if after this----
JULIA
But one word more.--As my faith has once been given to you, I never
will barter it with another.--I shall pray for your happiness with the
truest sincerity; and the dearest blessing I can ask of Heaven to send
you will be to charm you from that unhappy temper, which alone has
prevented the performance of our solemn engagement. All I request of
you is, that you will yourself reflect upon this infirmity, and when
you number up the many true delights it has deprived you of, let it not
be your least regret, that it lost you the love of one who would have
followed you in beggary through the world! [Exit.]
FAULKLAND
She's gone--for ever!--There was an awful resolution in her manner,
that riveted me to my place.--O fool!--dolt!--barbarian! Cursed as I
am, with more imperfections than my fellow wretches, kind Fortune sent
a heaven-gifted cherub to my aid, and, like a ruffian, I have driven
her from my side!--I must now haste to my appointment. Well, my mind is
tuned for such a scene. I shall wish only to become a principal in it,
and reverse the tale my cursed folly put me upon forging here.--O
Love!--tormentor!--fiend!--whose influence, like the moon's, acting on
men of dull souls, makes idiots of them, but meeting subtler spirits,
betrays their course, and urges sensibility to madness! [Exit.]
[Enter LYDIA and MAID.]
MAID
My mistress, ma'am, I know, was here just now--perhaps she is only in
the next room. [Exit.]
LYDIA
Heigh-ho! Though he has used me so, this fellow runs strangely in my
head. I believe one lecture from my grave cousin will make me recall
him.
[Re-enter JULIA.]
O Julia, I am come to you with such an appetite for consolation.--Lud!
child, what's the matter with you? You have been crying!--I'll be
hanged if that Faulkland has not been tormenting you.
JULIA
You mistake the cause of my uneasiness!--Something has flurried me a
little. Nothing that you can guess at.--[Aside.] I would not accuse
Faulkland to a sister!
LYDIA
Ah! whatever vexations you may have, I can assure you mine surpass
them. You know who Beverley proves to be?
JULIA
I will now own to you, Lydia, that Mr. Faulkland had before informed me
of the whole affair. Had young Absolute been the person you took him
for, I should not have accepted your confidence on the subject, without
a serious endeavour to counteract your caprice.
LYDIA
So, then, I see I have been deceived by every one! But I don't
care--I'll never have him.
JULIA
Nay, Lydia----
LYDIA
Why, is it not provoking? when I thought we were coming to the
prettiest distress imaginable, to find myself made a mere Smithfield
bargain of at last! There, had I projected one of the most sentimental
elopements!--so becoming a disguise!--so amiable a ladder of
ropes!--Conscious moon--four horses--Scotch parson--with such surprise
to Mrs. Malaprop--and such paragraphs in the newspapers!--Oh, I shall
die with disappointment!
JULIA
I don't wonder at it!
LYDIA
Now--sad reverse!--what have I to expect, but, after a deal of flimsy
preparation with a bishop's license, and my aunt's blessing, to go
simpering up to the altar; or perhaps be cried three times in a country
church, and have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every
butcher in the parish to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish,
spinster! Oh that I should live to hear myself called spinster!
JULIA
Melancholy indeed!
LYDIA
How mortifying, to remember the dear delicious shifts I used to be put
to, to gain half a minute's conversation with this fellow! How often
have I stole forth, in the coldest night in January, and found him in
the garden, stuck like a dripping statue! There would he kneel to me in
the snow, and sneeze and cough so pathetically! he shivering with cold
and I with apprehension! and while the freezing blast numbed our
joints, how warmly would he press me to pity his flame, and glow with
mutual ardour!--Ah, Julia, that was something like being in love.
JULIA
If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing
heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at
present, earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with
sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too
well caprice can inflict.
LYDIA
O Lud! what has brought my aunt here?
[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
So! so! here's fine work!--here's fine suicide, parricide, and
simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to
prevent the antistrophe!
JULIA
For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this?
Mrs. MALAPROP
That gentleman can tell you--'twas he enveloped the affair to me.
LYDIA
[To FAG.] Do, sir, will you, inform us?
FAG
Ma'am, I should hold myself very deficient in every requisite that
forms the man of breeding, if I delayed a moment to give all the
information in my power to a lady so deeply interested in the affair as
you are.
LYDIA
But quick! quick sir!
FAG
True, ma'am, as you say, one should be quick in divulging matters of
this nature; for should we be tedious, perhaps while we are flourishing
on the subject, two or three lives may be lost!
LYDIA
O patience!--Do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the
matter!--but he can tell you the perpendiculars.
LYDIA
Then, prithee, sir, be brief.
FAG
Why, then, ma'am, as to murder--I cannot take upon me to say--and as to
slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it.
LYDIA
But who, sir--who are engaged in this?
FAG
Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry any
thing was to happen to--a very pretty behaved gentleman! We have lived
much together, and always on terms.
LYDIA
But who is this? who! who! who?
FAG
My master, ma'am--my master--I speak of my master.
LYDIA
Heavens! What, Captain Absolute!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now!
JULIA
But who are with him, sir?
FAG
As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I.
JULIA
[To DAVID.] Do speak, friend.
DAVID
Look'ee, my lady--by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks don't
use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines,
fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers
beside!--This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour.
JULIA
But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend?
DAVID
My poor master--under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my
lady--I am David--and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres.
Then comes Squire Faulkland.
JULIA
Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O fy! it would be very inelegant in us:--we should only participate
things.
DAVID
Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives--they are desperately given,
believe me.--Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir
Lucius O'Trigger.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir
Lucius into the scrape?--Why how you stand, girl! you have no more
feeling than one of the Derbyshire petrifactions!
LYDIA
What are we to do, madam?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent
mischief!--Here, friend, you can show us the place?
FAG
If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.--David, do you look for Sir
Anthony.
[Exit DAVID.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, girls! this gentleman will exhort us.--Come, sir, you're our
envoy--lead the way, and we'll precede.
FAG
Not a step before the ladies for the world!
Mrs. MALAPROP
You're sure you know the spot?
FAG
I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the
report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss
them;--never fear, ma'am, never fear.
[Exeunt, he talking.]
* * * * * * *
Scene II--The South Parade.
[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under his great coat.]
ABSOLUTE
A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a
mad dog.--How provoking this is in Faulkland!--never punctual! I shall
be obliged to go without him at last.--Oh, the devil! here's Sir
Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a
circle to go off.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY
How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don't
know me, I could have sworn that was Jack!--Hey! Gad's life! it
is.--Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey!--sure I'm right. Why Jack,
Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]
ABSOLUTE
Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:--I don't remember ever to
have had the honour--my name is Saunderson, at your service.
Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I beg your pardon--I took you--hey?--why, zounds! it
is--Stay--[Looks up to his face.] So, so--your humble servant, Mr.
Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?
ABSOLUTE
Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.
Sir ANTHONY
You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky:--but what are you muffled
up so for?--what's this for?--hey!
ABSOLUTE
'Tis cool, sir, isn't it?--rather chilly somehow:--but I shall be
late--I have a particular engagement.
Sir ANTHONY
Stay!--Why, I thought you were looking for me?--Pray, Jack, where is't
you are going?
ABSOLUTE
Going, sir?
Sir ANTHONY
Ay, where are you going?
ABSOLUTE
Where am I going?
Sir ANTHONY
You unmannerly puppy!
ABSOLUTE
I was going, sir, to--to--to--to Lydia--sir, to Lydia--to make matters
up if I could;--and I was looking for you, sir, to--to----
Sir ANTHONY
To go with you, I suppose.--Well, come along.
ABSOLUTE
Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world!--I wished to meet with you,
sir,--to--to--to--You find it cool, I'm sure, sir--you'd better not
stay out.
Sir ANTHONY
Cool!--not at all.--Well, Jack--and what will you say to Lydia?
ABSOLUTE
Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her--promise and vow: but I detain you,
sir--consider the cold air on your gout.
Sir ANTHONY
Oh, not at all!--Not at all! I'm in no hurry.--Ah! Jack, you
youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?
ABSOLUTE
Nothing, sir--nothing.
Sir ANTHONY
What's this?--here's something damned hard.
ABSOLUTE
Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia!
Sir ANTHONY
Nay, let me see your taste.--[Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.]
Trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia!--Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to
cut her throat, are you?
ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha!--I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean
to tell you till afterwards.
Sir ANTHONY
You didn't?--Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!
ABSOLUTE
Sir, I'll explain to you.--You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish
romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses
to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear--I'll fall upon its
point, and expire at her feet!
Sir ANTHONY
Fall upon a fiddlestick's end!--why, I suppose it is the very thing
that would please her.--Get along, you fool!
ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, you shall hear of my success--you shall hear.--_O
Lydia!--forgive me, or this pointed steel_--says I.
Sir ANTHONY
_O, booby! stay away and welcome_--says she.--Get along! and damn your
trinkets!
[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
[Enter DAVID, running.]
DAVID
Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire!--Stop fire! Stop fire!--O Sir
Anthony--call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire!
Sir ANTHONY
Fire! Murder!--Where?
DAVID
Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir
Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the fellow's mad!--Stop whom? stop Jack?
DAVID
Ay, the captain, sir!--there's murder and slaughter----
Sir ANTHONY
Murder!
DAVID
Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts of
slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on,
sir--bloody sword-and-gun fighting!
Sir ANTHONY
Who are going to fight, dunce?
DAVID
Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony:--everybody is going to fight,
my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain----
Sir ANTHONY
Oh, the dog! I see his tricks.--Do you know the place?
DAVID
King's-Mead-Fields.
Sir ANTHONY
You know the way?
DAVID
Not an inch; but I'll call the
mayor--aldermen--constables--churchwardens--and beadles--we can't be
too many to part them.
Sir ANTHONY
Come along--give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we go--the
lying villain!--Well, I shall be in such a frenzy!--So--this was the
history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him!
[Exeunt.]
* * * * * * *
Scene III--King's-Mead-Fields.
[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.]
ACRES
By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds
levels and aims!--I say it is a good distance.
Sir LUCIUS
Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres,
you must leave those things to me.--Stay now--I'll show you.--[Measures
paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance--a
pretty gentleman's distance.
ACRES
Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius,
the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.
Sir LUCIUS
Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of
sight!
ACRES
No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards----
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your
pistols is as good as a mile.
ACRES
Odds bullets, no!--by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so
near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:--a
long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!
Sir LUCIUS
Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.--But tell me now,
Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or
commission I could execute for you?
ACRES
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius--but I don't understand----
Sir LUCIUS
Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk--and
if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it--I say it will be
no time then to be bothering you about family matters.
ACRES
A quietus!
Sir LUCIUS
For instance, now--if that should be the case--would you choose to be
pickled and sent home?--or would it be the same to you to lie here in
the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.
ACRES
Pickled!--Snug lying in the Abbey!--Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't
talk so!
Sir LUCIUS
I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind
before?
ACRES
No, Sir Lucius, never before.
Sir LUCIUS
Ah! that's a pity!--there's nothing like being used to a thing.--Pray
now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?
ACRES
Odds files!--I've practised that--there, Sir Lucius--there. [Puts
himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small
enough: I'll stand edgeways.
Sir LUCIUS
Now--you're quite out--for if you stand so when I take my aim----
[Levelling at him.]
ACRES
Zounds! Sir Lucius--are you sure it is not cocked?
Sir LUCIUS
Never fear.
ACRES
But--but--you don't know--it may go off of its own head!
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! be easy.--Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a
double chance--for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill
be very hard if it don't succeed on the left!
ACRES
A vital part!
Sir LUCIUS
But, there--fix yourself so--[Placing him]--let him see the broad-side
of your full front--there--now a ball or two may pass clean through
your body, and never do any harm at all.
ACRES
Clean through me!--a ball or two clean through me!
Sir LUCIUS
Ay--may they--and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.
ACRES
Look'ee! Sir Lucius--I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as
a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.
Sir LUCIUS
[Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint
us--Hah!--no, faith--I think I see them coming.
ACRES
Hey!--what!--coming!----
Sir LUCIUS
Ay.--Who are those yonder getting over the stile?
ACRES
There are two of them indeed!--well--let them come--hey, Sir
Lucius!--we--we--we--we--won't run.
Sir LUCIUS
Run!
ACRES
No--I say--we won't run, by my valour!
Sir LUCIUS
What the devil's the matter with you?
ACRES
Nothing--nothing--my dear friend--my dear Sir Lucius--but I--I--I don't
feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.
Sir LUCIUS
O fy!--consider your honour.
ACRES
Ay--true--my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now
and then about my honour.
Sir LUCIUS
[Looking.] Well, here they're coming.
ACRES
Sir Lucius--if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was
afraid.--If my valour should leave me!--Valour will come and go.
Sir LUCIUS
Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.
ACRES
Sir Lucius--I doubt it is going--yes--my valour is certainly going!--it
is sneaking off!--I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my
hands!
Sir LUCIUS
Your honour--your honour.--Here they are.
ACRES
O mercy!--now--that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I
was aware!
[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Sir LUCIUS
Gentlemen, your most obedient.--Hah!--what, Captain Absolute!--So, I
suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself--to do a kind office,
first for your friend--then to proceed to business on your own account.
ACRES
What, Jack!--my dear Jack!--my dear friend!
ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.
Sir LUCIUS
Well, Mr. Acres--I don't blame your saluting the gentleman
civilly.--[To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your
weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground.
FAULKLAND
My weapons, sir!
ACRES
Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are
my particular friends.
Sir LUCIUS
What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?
FAULKLAND
Not I, upon my word, sir.
Sir LUCIUS
Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there
are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so
cantanckerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.
ABSOLUTE
O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter----
ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland;--I'll bear my disappointment like a
Christian.--Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to
fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.
Sir LUCIUS
Observe me, Mr. Acres--I must not be trifled with. You have certainly
challenged somebody--and you came here to fight him. Now, if that
gentleman is willing to represent him--I can't see, for my soul, why it
isn't just the same thing.
ACRES
Why no--Sir Lucius--I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged--a
fellow, you see, that dare not show his face!--if he were here, I'd
make him give up his pretensions directly!
ABSOLUTE
Hold, Bob--let me set you right--there is no such man as Beverley in
the case.--The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his
pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support
them in whatever way you please.
Sir LUCIUS
Well, this is lucky.--Now you have an opportunity----
ACRES
What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?--not if he were fifty
Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.
Sir LUCIUS
Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a
vengeance!
ACRES
Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all
my heart--and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely.
I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you
over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest
pleasure.
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
ACRES
Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my
valour!
Sir LUCIUS
Well, sir?
ACRES
Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word coward--coward may be
said in joke--But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and
balls----
Sir LUCIUS
Well, sir?
ACRES
I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
ABSOLUTE
Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second than my friend
Acres--He is a most determined dog--called in the country, Fighting
Bob.--He generally kills a man a week--don't you Bob?
ACRES
Ay--at home!
Sir LUCIUS
Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin--so come out, my little
counsellor--[Draws his sword]--and ask the gentleman, whether he will
resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him?
ABSOLUTE
Come on then, sir--[Draws]; since you won't let it be an amicable suit,
here's my reply.
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAVID, Mrs. MALAPROP, LYDIA, and JULIA.]
DAVID
Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in
particular; and bind his hands over to their good behaviour!
Sir ANTHONY
Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy--how came you in a
duel, sir?
ABSOLUTE
Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he called
on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty.
Sir ANTHONY
Here's a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man's throat, and he
tells me, he serves his majesty!--Zounds! sirrah, then how durst you
draw the king's sword against one of his subjects?
ABSOLUTE
Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his
reasons.
Sir ANTHONY
Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your
reasons!
Sir LUCIUS
Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook.
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his
honour could not brook?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies--Captain Absolute, come
here--How could you intimidate us so?--Here's Lydia has been terrified
to death for you.
ABSOLUTE
For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, no delusions to the past--Lydia is convinced; speak, child.
Sir LUCIUS
With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word here: I believe I could
interpret the young lady's silence. Now mark----
LYDIA
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir LUCIUS
Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now--this is no time for
trifling.
LYDIA
'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand,
and solicit the return of his affections.
ABSOLUTE
O! my little angel, say you so?--Sir Lucius--I perceive there must be
some mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I have
given you. I can only say, that it could not have been intentional. And
as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real
injury--you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an
inadvertency--I ask your pardon.--But for this lady, while honoured
with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir ANTHONY
Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
ACRES
Mind, I give up all my claim--I make no pretensions to any thing in the
world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my
valour! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir LUCIUS
Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes
an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own
hand-writing, here---- [Takes out letters.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
O, he will dissolve my mystery!--Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some
mistake--perhaps I can illuminate----
Sir LUCIUS
Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no
business.--Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not?
LYDIA
Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Lucius O'Trigger--ungrateful as you are--I own the soft impeachment
--pardon my blushes, I am Delia.
Sir LUCIUS
You Delia--pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, thou barbarous Vandyke--those letters are mine--When you are more
sensible of my benignity--perhaps I may be brought to encourage your
addresses.
Sir LUCIUS
Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and
whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to
you.--And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you
have taken that lady from me, I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
ABSOLUTE
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend, Fighting
Bob, unprovided for.
Sir LUCIUS
Hah! little Valour--here, will you make your fortune?
ACRES
Odds wrinkles! No.--But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and
forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob
Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir ANTHONY
Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down--you are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O Sir Anthony--men are all barbarians.
[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.]
JULIA
[Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy--not sullen; there was some
foundation, however, for the tale he told me--O woman! how true should
be your judgment, when your resolution is so weak!
FAULKLAND
Julia!--how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not
presume--yet Hope is the child of Penitence.
JULIA
Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment
of me, than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart
honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be
ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours.
FAULKLAND
Now I shall be blest indeed!
Sir ANTHONY
[Coming forward.] What's going on here?--So you have been quarrelling
too, I warrant! Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have
a hand in the matter at last.--All the faults I have ever seen in my
friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and
warmth of his affection for you--There, marry him directly, Julia;
you'll find he'll mend surprisingly!
[The rest come forward.]
Sir LUCIUS
Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is content;
for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have
not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better.
ACRES
You are right, Sir Lucius.--So Jack, I wish you joy--Mr. Faulkland the
same.--Ladies,--come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor angry, odds
tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour to the New
Rooms--and I insist on your all meeting me there.
Sir ANTHONY
'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a
health to the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. Malaprop.
FAULKLAND
Our partners are stolen from us, Jack--I hope to be congratulated by
each other--yours for having checked in time the errors of an
ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart;
and mine, for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the
unhappy temper of one, who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and
tortured the heart he ought to have adored.
ABSOLUTE
Well, Jack, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of
love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter
cup for yourself, while I----
LYDIA
Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty?--But come, no more
of that--our happiness is now as unalloyed as general.
JULIA
Then let us study to preserve it so: and while Hope pictures to us a
flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours
which are too bright to be lasting.--When hearts deserving happiness
would unite their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading
garland of modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force
the gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends them when its
leaves are dropped!
[Exeunt omnes.]
* * * * * * * * * *
EPILOGUE
By the Author
Spoken by MRS. BULKLEY
Ladies, for you--I heard our poet say--
He'd try to coax some moral from his play:
"One moral's plain," cried I, "without more fuss;
Man's social happiness all rests on us:
Through all the drama--whether damn'd or not--
Love gilds the scene, and women guide the plot.
From every rank obedience is our due--
D'ye doubt?--The world's great stage shall prove it true."
The cit, well skill'd to shun domestic strife,
Will sup abroad; but first he'll ask his wife:
John Trot, his friend, for once will do the same,
But then--he'll just step home to tell his dame.
The surly squire at noon resolves to rule,
And half the day--Zounds! madam is a fool!
Convinced at night, the vanquish'd victor says,
Ah, Kate! you women have such coaxing ways.
The jolly toper chides each tardy blade,
Till reeling Bacchus calls on Love for aid:
Then with each toast he sees fair bumpers swim,
And kisses Chloe on the sparkling brim!
Nay, I have heard that statesmen--great and wise--
Will sometimes counsel with a lady's eyes!
The servile suitors watch her various face,
She smiles preferment, or she frowns disgrace,
Curtsies a pension here--there nods a place.
Nor with less awe, in scenes of humbler life,
Is view'd the mistress, or is heard the wife.
The poorest peasant of the poorest soil,
The child of poverty, and heir to toil,
Early from radiant Love's impartial light
Steals one small spark to cheer this world of night:
Dear spark! that oft through winter's chilling woes
Is all the warmth his little cottage knows!
The wandering tar, who not for years has press'd,
The widow'd partner of his day of rest,
On the cold deck, far from her arms removed,
Still hums the ditty which his Susan loved;
And while around the cadence rude is blown,
The boatswain whistles in a softer tone.
The soldier, fairly proud of wounds and toil,
Pants for the triumph of his Nancy's smile!
But ere the battle should he list her cries,
The lover trembles--and the hero dies!
That heart, by war and honour steel'd to fear,
Droops on a sigh, and sickens at a tear!
But ye more cautious, ye nice-judging few,
Who give to beauty only beauty's due,
Though friends to love--ye view with deep regret
Our conquests marr'd, our triumphs incomplete,
Till polish'd wit more lasting charms disclose,
And judgment fix the darts which beauty throws!
In female breasts did sense and merit rule,
The lover's mind would ask no other school;
Shamed into sense, the scholars of our eyes,
Our beaux from gallantry would soon be wise;
Would gladly light, their homage to improve,
The lamp of knowledge at the torch of love!
* * * * * * * * * *