[Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, thou perverse one!--tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a
handsome man?--tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?
LYDIA
[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!--[Aloud.] So is
Beverley, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young
woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!
LYDIA
[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation!--and has
so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His
physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest,
when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:--
"Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself!--
An eye, like March, to threaten at command!--
A station, like Harry Mercury, new----"
Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me
directly.
LYDIA
[Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her
mistake!
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here.----
[Exit SERVANT.]
Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show
your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.
LYDIA
Madam, I have told you my resolution!--I shall not only give him no
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings
herself into a chair, with her face from the door.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY
Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting
beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.--I don't
know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have
given me the slip.
Mrs. MALAPROP
You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for
the cause!--[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!--pay
your respects!
Sir ANTHONY
I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this
gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my
alliance.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] What the devil shall I do!--[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see,
sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she
wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!
[Seems to expostulate with his father.]
LYDIA
[Aside.] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't
have looked at him!--perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is
something blind.
Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!
Mrs. MALAPROP
I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very
small.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!
Sir ANTHONY
May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of
dislike she can have to my son!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don't
you begin, Jack?--Speak, you puppy--speak!
Mrs. MALAPROP
It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she
has.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?
Sir ANTHONY
Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no
bar to Jack's happiness.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah!
why don't you speak?
LYDIA
[Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as
myself.--How strangely blind my aunt must be!
ABSOLUTE
Hem! hem! madam--hem!--[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir
ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!--and--so--so--confused!--I
told you I should be so, sir--I knew it.--The--the--tremor of my
passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.
Sir ANTHONY
But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?--Go up, and speak to
her directly!
[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?--[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you
stubborn little vixen!
Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil
are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or----
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!--I must
disguise my voice.--[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse
tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true
love? Will not----
Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?--not stand
croaking like a frog in a quinsy!
ABSOLUTE
The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me!
Sir ANTHONY
Ah! your modesty again!--I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak
out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!--Mrs.
Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a
side-front.
[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] So all will out, I see!--[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be
not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.
LYDIA
[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too!--[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this
possible!--my Beverley!--how can this be?--my Beverley?
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.
Sir ANTHONY
Beverley!--the devil--Beverley!--What can the girl mean?--this is my
son, Jack Absolute.
Mrs. MALAPROP
For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you
have him always in your eyes!--beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.
LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad!--her brain's turned by reading.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O' my conscience, I believe so!--What do you mean by Beverley,
hussy?--You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your
husband that shall be.
LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley----
Sir ANTHONY
Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!--or has this fellow been playing us a
rogue's trick!--Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?
ABSOLUTE
Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to
recollect.
Sir ANTHONY
Are you my son or not?--answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't
for me.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!----
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!--[Aloud.] Sir Anthony,
most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe
myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown.--Mrs.
Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add
affectionate nephew.--I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her
faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper,
assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most
disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated
character.
LYDIA
[Sullenly.] So!--there will be no elopement after all!
Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!
ABSOLUTE
Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know,
sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way.
Sir ANTHONY
Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended
to be, however!--I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you
dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and
_obedience!_--I thought it was damned sudden!--_You never heard their
names before_, not you!--_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_,
hey?--_if you could please me in the affair it was all you
desired!_--Ah! you dissembling villain!--What!--[Pointing to Lydia]
_She squints, don't she?--a little red-haired girl!_--hey?--Why, you
hypocritical young rascal!--I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your
head!
ABSOLUTE
'Tis with difficulty, sir.--I am confused--very much confused, as you
must perceive.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony!--a new light breaks in upon me!--hey!--how! what!
captain, did you write the letters then?--What--am I to thank you for
the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey!--O
mercy!--was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?
ABSOLUTE
Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist
me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it!
Sir ANTHONY
Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life!
matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find
in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the
past!--so mind, young people--our retrospection will be all to the
future.
Sir ANTHONY
Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into
each other's arms, I warrant!--Jack--isn't the cheek as I said, hey?--
and the eye, you rogue!--and the lip--hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll
not disturb their tenderness--theirs is the time of life for
happiness!--_Youth's the season made for joy_--[Sings.]--hey!--Odds
life! I'm in such spirits,--I don't know what I could not do!--Permit
me, ma'am--[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol--'gad, I
should like to have a little fooling myself--Tol-de-rol! de-rol.
[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.--LYDIA sits sullenly in her
chair.]
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.--[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia!
LYDIA
Sir!
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] So!--egad! I thought as much!--that damned monosyllable has
froze me!--[Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our
friends' consent, as in our mutual vows----
LYDIA
[Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed!
ABSOLUTE
Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance--a little wealth and
comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers
shall make such settlements as----
LYDIA
Lawyers! I hate lawyers!
ABSOLUTE
Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly
procure the licence, and----
LYDIA
The licence!--I hate licence!
ABSOLUTE
Oh my love! be not so unkind!--thus let me entreat---- [Kneeling.]
LYDIA
Psha!--what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?
ABSOLUTE
[Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your
inclinations, I promise you.--If I have lost your heart--I resign the
rest--[Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.
LYDIA
[Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was
acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of
fraud.--What, you have been treating me like a child!--humouring my
romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!
ABSOLUTE
You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me--only hear----
LYDIA
So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and
flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all--behold my
hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and
approbation--and I am myself the only dupe at last!--[Walking about in
a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture--Beverley's picture!
[taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day,
in spite of threats and entreaties!--There, sir [Flings it to him.];
and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.
ABSOLUTE
Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that.--Here [taking out a
picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish.--What a difference!--ay, there
is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my
hopes!--those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in
Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have
checked the ardour of my thanks!--Well, all that's past!--all over
indeed!--There, madam--in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in
my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is
such--that--I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up
again.]
LYDIA
[Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir--I, I, I suppose you are
perfectly satisfied.
ABSOLUTE
O, most certainly--sure, now, this is much better than being in
love!--ha! ha! ha!--there's some spirit in this!--What signifies
breaking some scores of solemn promises:--all that's of no consequence,
you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own
mind--but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough
to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her--but
don't let that fret you.
LYDIA
There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]
[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.
LYDIA
This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate!
[Sobbing.]
Sir ANTHONY
What the devil's the matter now?--Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the
oddest billing and cooing I ever heard!--but what the deuce is the
meaning of it?--I am quite astonished!
ABSOLUTE
Ask the lady, sir.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy!--I'm quite analyzed, for my part!--Why, Lydia, what is the
reason of this?
LYDIA
Ask the gentleman, ma'am.
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!--Why, Jack, you are not come out to be
any one else, are you?
Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there?--you are not like Cerberus,
three gentlemen at once, are you?
ABSOLUTE
You'll not let me speak--I say the lady can account for this much much
better than I can.
LYDIA
Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again--there is
the man--I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for
ever. [Exit.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is--why, sure, captain, you
haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.
Sir ANTHONY
Ha! ha! ha!--ha! ha! ha!--now I see it. Ha! ha! ha!--now I see it--you
have been too lively, Jack.
ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word----
Sir ANTHONY
Come, no lying, Jack--I'm sure 'twas so.
Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain!
ABSOLUTE
Upon my soul, ma'am----
Sir ANTHONY
Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before
you:--the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient.--Ha! ha! ha!
poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.
ABSOLUTE
By all that's good, sir----
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! say no more, I tell you--Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace.
You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:--you must tell her 'tis Jack's
way--tell her 'tis all our ways--it runs in the blood of our family!
Come away, Jack--Ha! ha! ha!--Mrs. Malaprop--a young villain! [Pushing
him out.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
O! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain!
[Exeunt severally.]
* * * * * * *