A MOTHER'S STRUGGLE
"Come, Lady, come. You're slow this morning." Mary Ballard drove a
steady, well-bred, chestnut mare with whom she was on most friendly
terms. Usually her carryall was filled with children, for she kept no
help, and when she went abroad, she must perforce take the children
with her or spend an unquiet hour or two while leaving them behind.
This morning she had left the children at home, and carried in their
stead a basket of fruit and flowers on the seat beside her. "Come,
Lady, come; just hurry a little." She touched the mare with the whip,
a delicate reminder to haste, which Lady assumed to be a fly and
treated as such with a switch of her tail.
The way seemed long to Mary Ballard this morning, and the sun beating
down on the parched fields made the air quiver with heat. The unpaved
road was heavy with dust, and the mare seemed to drag her feet through
it unnecessarily as she jogged along. Mary was anxious and dreaded the
visit she must make. She would be glad when it was over. What could
she say to the stricken woman who spent her time behind closed blinds?
Presently she left the dust behind and drove along under the maple
trees that lined the village street, over cool roads that were kept
well sprinkled.
The Craigmiles lived on the main street of the town in the most
dignified of the well-built homes of cream-colored brick, with a wide
front stoop and white columns at the entrance. Mary was shown into the
parlor by a neat serving maid, who stepped softly as if she were
afraid of waking some one. The room was dark and cool, but the air
seemed heavy with a lingering musky odor. The dark furniture was set
stiffly back against the walls, the floor was covered with a velvet
carpet of rich, dark colors, and oil portraits were hung about in
heavy gold frames.
Mary looked up at two of these portraits with pride, and rebelled that
the light was so shut out that they must always be seen in the
obscurity, for Bertrand had painted them, and she considered them her
husband's best work. In the painting of them and the long sittings
required the intimacy between the two families had begun. Really it
had begun before that, for there were other paintings in that
home--portraits, old and fine, which Elder Craigmile's father had
brought over from Scotland when he came to the new world to establish
a new home. These paintings were the pride of Elder Craigmile's heart,
and the delight of Bertrand Ballard's artist soul.
To Bertrand they were a discovery--an oasis in a desert. One day the
banker had called him in to look at a canvas that was falling to
pieces with age, in the hope that the artist might have the skill to
restore it. From that day the intimacy began, and a warm friendship
sprang up between the two families, founded on Bertrand's love for the
old works of art, wherein the ancestors of Peter Craigmile, Senior,
looked out from their frames with a dignity and warmth and grace
rarely to be met with in this new western land.
Bertrand's heart leaped with joy as he gazed on one of them, the one
he had been called on to save if possible. "This must be a genuine
Reynolds. Ah! They could paint, those old fellows!" he cried.
"Genuine Reynolds? Why, man, it is! it is! You are a true artist. You
knew it in a moment." Peter Senior's heart was immediately filled with
admiration for the younger man. "Yes, they were a good family--the
Craigmiles of Aberdeen. My father brought all the old portraits coming
to him to this country to keep the family traditions alive. It's a
good thing--a good thing!"
"She was a beautiful woman, the original of that portrait."
"She was a great beauty, indeed. Her husband took her to London to
have it done by the great painter. Ah, the Scotch lasses were fine!
Look at that color! You don't see that here, no?"
"Our American women are too pale, for the most part; but then again,
your men are too red."
"Ah! Beef and red wine! Beef and red wine! With us in Scotland it was
good oatcakes and home-brew--and the air. The air of the Scotch hills
and the sea. You don't have such air here, I've often heard my father
say. I've spent the greater part of my life here, so it's mostly the
traditions I have--they and the portraits."
Thus it came about that owing to his desire to keep up the line of
family portraits, Peter Craigmile engaged the artist to paint the
picture of his gentle, sweet-faced wife. She was painted seated, a
little son on either side of her; and now in the dimness she looked
out from the heavy gold frame, a half smile playing about her lips, on
her lap an open book, and about the low-cut crimson velvet bodice
rare old lace pinned at the bosom with a large brooch of wrought gold,
framing a delicately cut cameo.
As Mary Ballard sat in the parlor waiting, she looked up in the dusky
light at this picture. Ah, yes! Her Bertrand also was a great painter.
If only he could be where he might become known and appreciated! She
sighed for another reason, also, as she regarded it: because the two
little sons clasped by the mother's arms were both gone. Sunny-haired
Scotch laddies they were, with fair, wide brows, each in kilt and
plaid, with bare knees and ruddy cheeks. What delight her husband had
taken in painting it! And now the mother mourned unceasingly the loss
of those little sons, and of one other whom Mary had never seen, and
of whom they had no likeness. It was indeed hard that the one son left
them,--their firstborn,--their hope and pride, should now be going
away to leave them, going perhaps to his death.
The door opened and a shadow swept slowly across the room. Always pale
and in black--wrapped in her mourning the shadow of sorrow never left
this mother; and now it seemed to envelop even Mary Ballard, bright
and warm of nature as she was.
Hester Craigmile barely smiled as she held out her slender,
blue-veined hand.
"It is very good of you to come to me, Mary Ballard, but you can't
make me think I should be reconciled to this. No! It is hard enough to
be reconciled to the blows God has dealt me, without accepting what my
husband and son see fit to give me in this." Her hand was cold and
passive, and her voice was restrained and low.
Mary Ballard's hands were warm, and her tones were rich and full. She
took the proffered hand in both her own and drew the shadow down to
sit at her side.
"No, no. I'm not going to try to make you reconciled, or anything.
I've just come to tell you that I understand, and that I think you are
justified in withholding your consent to Peter Junior's going off in
this way."
"If he were killed, I should feel as if I had consented to his
death."
"Of course you would. I should feel just the same. Naturally you can't
forbid his going,--now,--for it's too late, and he would have to go
with the feeling of disobedience in his heart, and that would be cruel
to him, and worse for you."
"I know. His father has consented; they think I am wrong. My son
thinks I am wrong. But I can't! I can't!" In her suppressed tones
sounded the ancient wail of women--mothers crying for their sons
sacrificed in war. For a few moments neither of them spoke. It was
hard for Mary to break the silence. Her friend sat at her side
withdrawn and still; then she lifted her eyes to the picture of
herself and the children and spoke again, only breathing the words:
"Peter Junior--my beautiful oldest boy--he is the last--the others are
all gone--three of them."
"Peter Junior is splendid. I thought so last evening as I saw him
coming up the path. I took it home to myself--what I should feel, and
what I would think if he were my son. Somehow we women are so
inconsistent and foolish. I knew if he were my son, I never could give
my consent to his going, never in the world,--but there! I would be so
proud of him for doing just what your boy has done; I would look up
to him in admiration, and be so glad that he was just that kind of a
man!"
Hester Craigmile turned and looked steadily in her friend's eyes, but
did not open her lips, and after a moment Mary continued:--
"To have one's sons taken like these--is--is different. We know they
are safe with the One who loved little children; we know they are safe
and waiting for us. But to have a boy grow into a young man like Peter
Junior--so straight and fine and beautiful--and then to have him come
and say: 'I'm going to help save our country and will die for it if I
must!' Why, my heart would grow big with thanksgiving that I had
brought such an one into the world and reared him. I--What would I do!
I couldn't tell him he might go,--no,--but I'd just take him in my
arms and bless him and love him a thousand times more for it, so he
could go away with that warm feeling all about his heart; and
then--I'd just pray and hope the war might end soon and that he might
come back to me rewarded, and--and--still good."
"That's it. If he would,--I don't distrust my son,--but there are
always things to tempt, and if--if he were changed in that way, or if
he never came back,--I would die."
"I know. We can't help thinking about ourselves and how we are
left--or how we feel--" Mary hesitated and was loath to go on with
that train of thought, but her friend caught her meaning and rose in
silence and paced the room a moment, then returned.
"It is easy to talk in that way when one has not lost," she said.
"I know it seems so, but it is not easy, Hester Craigmile. It is
hard--so hard that I came near staying at home this morning. It seemed
as if I could not--could not--"
"Yes, what I said was bitter, and it wasn't honest. You were good to
come to me--and what you have said is true. It has helped me; I think
it will help me."
"Then good-by. I'll go now, but I'll come again soon." She left the
shadow sitting there with the basket of fruit and flowers at her side
unnoticed and forgotten, and stepped quietly out of the darkened room
into the sunlight and fresh air.
"I do wish I could induce her to go out a little--or open up her
house. I wish--" Mary Ballard said no more, but shut her lips tightly
on her thoughts, untied the mare, and drove slowly away.
Hester Craigmile stood for a moment gazing on the picture of her
little sons, then for an hour or more wandered up and down over her
spacious home, going from room to room, mechanically arranging and
rearranging the chairs and small articles on the mantels and tables.
Nothing was out of place. No dust or disorder anywhere, and there was
the pity of it. If only a boy's cap could be found lying about, or
books left carelessly where they ought not to be! One closed door she
passed again and again. Once she laid her hand on the knob, but passed
on, leaving it still unopened. At last she turned, and, walking
swiftly down the long hall, entered the room.
There the blinds were closed and the curtains drawn, and everything
set in as perfect order as in the parlor below. She sat down in a
chair placed back against the wall and folded her hands in her lap.
No, it was not so hard for Mary Ballard. It would not be, even if she
had a son old enough to go. Mary had work to do.
On the wall above Hester's head was one of the portraits which helped
to establish the family dignity of the Craigmiles. If the blinds had
been open, one could have seen it in sharp contrast to the pale moth
of a woman who sat beneath it. The painting, warm and rich in tone,
was of a dame in a long-bodiced dress. She held a fan in her hand and
wore feathers in her powdered hair. Her eyes gazed straight across the
room into those of a red-coated soldier who wore a sword at his side
and gold on his shoulders. Yes, there had been soldiers in the family
before Peter Junior's time.
This was Peter Junior's room, but the boy was there no longer. He had
come home from college one day and had entered it a boy, and then he
came out of it and down to his mother, dressed in his new uniform--a
man. Now he entered it no more, for he stayed at the camp over on the
high bluff of the Wisconsin River. He was wholly taken up with his new
duties there, and his room had been set in order and closed as if he
were dead.
Sitting there, Hester heard the church clock peal out the hour of
twelve, and started. Soon she would hear the front door open and shut,
and a heavy tread along the lower hall, and she would go down and sit
silently at the table opposite her husband, they two alone. There
would be silence, because there would be nothing to say. He loved her
and was tender of her, but his word was law, and in all matters he was
dictator, lawmaker, and judge, and from his decisions there was no
appeal. It never occurred to him that there ever need be. So Hester
Craigmile, reserved and intense, closed her lips on her own thoughts,
which it seemed to her to be useless to utter, and let them eat her
heart out in silence.
At the moment expected she heard the step on the floor of the
vestibule, and the door opened, but it was not her husband's step
alone that she heard. Surely it was Peter Junior's and his cousin's.
Were they coming to dinner? But no word had been sent. Hester stepped
out of the room and stood at the head of the stairs waiting. She did
not wish to go down and meet her son before the others, and if he did
not find her below, he would know where to look for her.
Peter Senior was an Elder in the Presbyterian Church, and he was
always addressed as Elder, even by his wife and son. On the street he
was always Elder Craigmile. She heard the men enter the dining room
and the door close after them, but still she waited. The maid would
have to be told to put two more places at the table, but Hester did
not move. The Elder might attend to that. Presently she heard quick
steps returning and knew her son was coming. She went to meet him and
was clasped in his arms, close and hard.
"You were waiting for me here? Come, mother, come." He stroked her
smooth, dark hair, and put his cheek to hers. It was what she needed,
what her heart was breaking for. She could even let him go easier
after this. Sometimes her husband kissed her, but only when he went a
journey or when he returned, a grave kiss of farewell or greeting; but
in her son's clasp there was something of her own soul's pent-up
longing.
"You'll come down, mother? Rich came home with me."
"Yes, I heard his voice. I am glad he came."
"See here, mother! I know what you are doing. This won't do. Every one
who goes to war doesn't get killed or go to the bad. Look at that old
redcoat up in my room. He wasn't killed, or where would I be now? I'm
coming back, just as he did. We are born to fight, we Craigmiles, and
father feels it or he never would have given his consent."
Slowly they went down the long winding flight of stairs--a flight with
a smooth banister down which it had once been Peter Junior's delight
to slide when there was no one nigh to reprove. Now he went down with
his arm around his slender mother's waist, and now and then he kissed
her cheek like a lover.
The Elder looked up as they entered, with a slight wince of
disapproval, the only demonstration of reproof he ever gave his wife,
which changed instantly to as slight a smile, as he noticed the faint
color in her cheek, and a brighter light in her eyes than there was at
breakfast. He and Richard were both seated as they entered, but they
rose instantly, and the Elder placed her chair with all the manner of
his forefathers, a courtesy he never neglected.
Hester Craigmile forced herself to converse, and tried to smile as if
there were no impending gloom. It was here Mary Ballard's influence
was felt by them all. She had helped her friend more than she knew.
"I'm glad to see you, Richard; I was afraid I might not."
"Oh, no, Aunt Hester. I'd never leave without seeing you. I went into
the bank and the Elder asked me to dinner and I jumped at the
chance."
"This is your home always, you know."
"And it's good to think of, too, Aunt Hester."
She looked at her son and then her nephew. "You are so like in your
uniforms I would not know you apart on the street in the dark," she
said. Richard shot a merry glance in his uncle's eyes, then only
smiled decorously with him and Peter Junior.
"I wish you'd visit the camp and see us drill. We go like clockwork,
Peter and I. They call us the twins."
"There is a very good reason for that, for your mother and I were
twins, and you resemble her, while Peter Junior resembles me," said
the Elder.
"Yes," said Hester, "Peter Junior looks like his father;" but as she
glanced at her son she knew his soul was hers.
Thus the meal passed in quiet, decorous talk, touching on nothing
vital, but holding a smoldering fire underneath. The young men said
nothing about the fact that the regiment had been called to duty, and
soon the camp on the bluff would be breaking up. They dared not touch
on the past, and they as little dared touch on the future--indeed
there might be no future. So they talked of indifferent things, and
Hester parted with her nephew as if they were to meet again soon,
except that she called him back when he was halfway down the steps and
kissed him again. As for her son, she took him up to his room and
there they stayed for an hour, and then he came out and she was left
in the house alone.