My slumber was so profound and dreamless that I have no idea how long
it lasted, but when finally I awoke it was with a sense of the most
vivid and appalling terror. Every nerve in my body seemed paralysed--I
could not move or cry out,--invisible bands stronger than iron held me
a prisoner on my bed--and I could only stare upwards in horror as a
victim bound to the rack might stare at the pitiless faces of his
torturers. A Figure, tall, massive and clothed in black, stood beside
me--I could not see its face--but I felt its eyes gazing down upon me
with a remorseless, cold inquisitiveness--a silent, searching enquiry
which answered itself without words. If every thought in my brain and
every emotion of my soul could have been cut out of me with a
dissecting knife and laid bare to outward inspection, those terrible
eyes, probing deep into the very innermost recesses of my being, would
have done the work.
The beating of my heart sounded loud and insistent in my own ears,--I
lay still, trying to gain control over my trembling spirit,--and it was
almost with an awful sense of relief that I saw the figure move at last
from its rigid attitude and beckon me--beckon slowly and commandingly
with one outstretched arm from which the black, dank draperies hung
like drifting cloud. Mechanically obeying the signal, I strove to rise
from my bed--and found that I could do so,--I sat up shiveringly,
looking at the terrifying Form that towered above me, enclosing me as
it were in its own shadow--and then, managing to stand on my feet,
though unsteadily, I mutely prepared to follow where it should lead. It
moved on--and I went after it, compelled by some overpowering instinct
against which I dared not rebel. Once the vague, half-formed thought
flitted through my brain--"This is Death that summons me away,"--till
with the thought came the remembrance that according to the schooling I
was receiving, there is no such thing as 'Death,' but only the
imaginary phantom we call by that name.
Slowly, sedately, and with an indescribable majesty of movement, the
dark Figure glided on before me, and I, a trembling little creature,
followed it, I knew not whither. There was no obstacle in our
course,--doors, walls and windows seemed to melt asunder into
nothingness as we passed--and there was no stop to our onward progress
till suddenly I saw before me a steep and narrow spiral stairway of
stone winding up into the very centre of a rocky pinnacle, which in its
turn lifted its topmost peak into the darkness of a night sky sprinkled
with millions of stars. The sombre Figure paused: and again I felt the
search-light of its invisible eyes burning through me. Then, as though
satisfied with its brief survey, it began to ascend the spiral stair.
I followed step by step,--the way was long and difficult--the sharp
turns dizzying to the senses, and there seemed no end to the upward
winding. Sometimes I stumbled and nearly fell--sometimes I groped on
hands and knees, always seeing before me the black-draped Form that
moved on with such apparently little care as to whether or no I fared
ill or well in my obedience to its summons.
And now, as I climbed, all sorts of strange memories began to creep
into the crannies of my brain and perplex me with trouble and
uncertainty. Chiefly did my mind dwell on cruelties--the cruelties
practised by human beings to one another,--moral cruelties especially,
they being so much worse than any physical torture. I thought of the
world's wicked misjudgments passed on those who are greater in spirit
than itself,--how, even when we endeavour to do good to others, our
kindest actions are often represented as merely so many forms of
self-interest and self-seeking,--how our supposed 'best' friends often
wrong us and listen credulously to enviously invented tales against
us,--how even in Love--ah!-Love!--that most etherial yet most powerful
of passions!--a rough word, an unmerited slight, may separate for a
lifetime those whose love would otherwise have been perfect. And still
I climbed, and still I thought, and still the dark Phantom-Figure
beckoned me on and on.
And then I began to consider that in climbing to some unknown, unseen
height in deep darkness I was, after all, doing a wiser thing than
living in the world with the ways of the world,--ways that are for the
most part purely hypocritical, and are practised merely to overreach
and out-do one's fellow-men and women--ways of fashion, ways of
society, ways of government which are merely temporary, while Nature,
the invincible and eternal, moves on her appointed course with the same
inborn intuition, namely, to destroy that which is evil and preserve
only that which is good. And Man, the sole maker of evil, the only
opposer of Divine Order, fools himself into the belief that his evil
shall prosper and his falsehood be accepted as truth, if he can only
sham a sufficient show of religious faith to deceive himself and others
on the ascending plane of History. He who has invented Sin has likewise
invented a God to pardon it, for there is no sin in the natural
Universe. The Divine Law cannot pardon, for it is inviolate and bears
no trespass without punishment.
So I mused in my inward self, and still I climbed, keeping my eyes
fixed on the Figure that led me on, and which now, having reached the
end of the spiral stair, was slowly mounting to the highest peak of the
rocky pinnacle which lifted itself to the stars. An icy wind began to
blow,--my feet were bare, and I was thinly clad in my night-gear with
only the addition of a white woollen wrap I had hastily flung round me
for warmth when I left my bed to follow my spectral leader--and I
shivered through and through with the bitter cold. Yet I went on
resolutely,--indeed, having started on this perilous adventure, there
was no returning, for when I looked back on the way I had come, the
spiral stair had completely vanished, and there was nothing but black
and empty space!
This discovery so terrified me that for the moment I lost breath, and I
came to a halt in the very act of ascending. Then I saw the Figure in
front of me turn round with a threatening movement, and I felt that
with one second more of hesitation I should lose my footing altogether
and slip away into some vast abysmal depth of unimaginable doom. Making
a strong effort, I caught back my escaping self-control, and forced my
shuddering limbs to obey my will and resume their work-and so, slowly,
inch by inch, I resumed my climb, sick with giddiness and fear and
chilled to the very heart. Presently I heard a rumbling roar like the
sound of great billows rushing into hollow caverns which echoed their
breaking in thuds of booming thunder. Looking up, I saw the Figure I
had followed standing still; and I fancied that the sombre draperies in
which it was enveloped showed an outline of glimmering light. Fired by
a sudden hope, I set myself to tread the difficult path anew, and
presently I too stood still, beside my mysterious Leader. Above me was
a heaven of stars;--below an unfathomable deep of darkness where
nothing was visible;--but from this nothingness arose a mighty
turbulence as of an angry sea. I remained where I found myself, afraid
to move;--one false step might, I felt, hurl me into a destruction
which though it would not be actual death would certainly be something
like chaos. Almost I felt inclined to catch at the cloudy garments of
the solemn Figure at my side for safety and protection, and while this
desire was yet upon me it turned its veiled head towards me and spoke
in a low, deep tone that was infinitely gentle.
"So far!--and yet not far enough!" it said--"To what end wilt thou
adventure for the sake of Love?"
"To no End whatsoever,"--I answered with sudden boldness--"But to
everlasting Continuance!"
Again I thought I saw a faint glowing light within its sombre draperies.
"What wouldst thou do for Love?" its voice again enquired--"Wouldst
thou bear all things and believe all things? Canst thou listen to
falsehood bearing witness against truth, and yet love on? Wilt thou
endure all suffering, all misunderstanding, all coldness and cruelty,
and yet keep thy soul bright as a burning lamp with the flame of faith
and endeavour? Wouldst thou scale the heavens and plunge to the
uttermost hell for the sake of him thou lovest, knowing that thy love
must make him one with thee at the God-appointed hour?"