DISRAELI AND GLADSTONE
Not very much is known about these two extremely memorable ministers,
except that (_a_) _Disraeli_ “brought back Peace with Honour” after the
famous Balkan Treaty of Berlin, which said:
1. that Bosnia should be ceded to Herzegovina;
2. that Herzegovina should be ceded to Bosnia (This is called the
Eastern Question);
3. that Bulgaria should be divided into two parts (Later, Bulgaria
was re-divided into one part by Mr. Gladstone);
4. that anyone found in Armenia should be gradually divided into
twelve parts. (Mr. Gladstone subsequently criticized the effect of
this clause.)
Disraeli also very generously purchased the Panama Canal from the
Khalif and presented it to Queen Victoria with a huge bunch of
primroses (his favourite flower), thus becoming Lord Beaconsfield and a
romantic minister. The Queen, however, remained obdurately plural and
not amused, even when Disraeli romantically called her a Faery Queen.
(_b_) Gladstone, on the other hand, endeavoured (quite unsuccessfully)
to please Her Majesty by chewing a milk pudding 79 times every day, and
by his memorable inventions; amongst the latter were an exceptionally
uncomfortable collar which he inhabited for 62 years on the floor of
the House of Commons, and an extremely simple kind of bag which he
designed to enable the Turks to be driven out of Europe _Bag and
Baggage_. Gladstone also invented the Education Rate by which it was
possible to calculate how soon anybody could be educated, and spent
his declining years trying to guess the answer to the Irish Question;
unfortunately, whenever he was getting warm, the Irish secretly changed
the Question, so that as he grew older and older Gladstone became
angrier and angrier, and grander and grander, and was ultimately
awarded the affectionate title of “the G.P.O.” Gladstone was thus
clearly a Good Man but a Bad Thing (or, alternatively, a Bad Man but a
Good Thing).
QUEEN VICTORIA’S JAMBOREE
Finally, all attempts (even by Gladstone and Disraeli) to amuse her,
and to prevent her being good, having failed, the Queen held a Jamboree
in Westminster Abbey and Crowned Heads and Oriental Patentees from
all parts of the world came to acknowledge publicly the Good Queen’s
Victory over all her ministers and generals.