CHARLES I AND THE CIVIL WAR
With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we come at last to the
Central Period of English History (not to be confused with the Middle
Ages, of course), consisting in the _utterly memorable Struggle between
the Cavaliers_ (_Wrong but Wromantic_) _and the Roundheads_ (_Right but
Repulsive_).
Charles I was a Cavalier King and therefore had a small pointed beard,
long flowing curls, a large, flat, flowing hat and _gay attire_. The
Roundheads, on the other hand, were clean-shaven and wore tall, conical
hats, white ties and _sombre garments_. Under these circumstances a
Civil War was inevitable.
[Illustration: Under these circumstances]
The Roundheads, of course, were so called because Cromwell had all
their heads made perfectly round, in order that they should present a
uniform appearance when drawn up in line.
Besides this, if any man lost his head in action, it could be used as a
cannon-ball by the artillery (which was done at the Siege of Worcester).
[Illustration]
COMPETITION OF RIGHT
For a long time before the Civil War, however, Charles had been
quarrelling with the Roundheads about what was right. Charles explained
that there was a doctrine called the Divine Right of Kings, which said
that:
(_a_) He was King, and that was right.
(_b_) Kings were divine, and that was right.
(_c_) Kings were right, and that was right.
(_d_) Everything was all right.
But so determined were the Roundheads that all this was all wrong that
they drew up a Petition called the Petition of Right to show in more
detail which things were wrong. This Petition said:
(_a_) That it was wrong for anyone to be put to death more than once
for the same offence.
(_b_) _Habeas Corpus_, which meant that it was wrong if people were
put in prison except for some reason, and that people who had
been mutilated by the King, such as Prynne, who had often had
his ears cut off, should always be allowed to keep their bodies.
(_c_) That Charles’s memorable methods of getting money, such as
Rummage and Scroungeage, were wrong.
But the most important cause of the Civil War was
SHIP MONEY
Charles I said that any money which was Ship Money belonged to him; but
while the Roundheads declared that Ship Money could be found only in
the Cinq Ports, Charles maintained that no one but the King could guess
right which was Ship Money and which wasn’t. This was, of course, part
of his Divine Right. The climax came when a villager called Hampden
(memorable for his dauntless breast) advised the King to divine again.
This so upset Charles that he went back to Westminster, and after
cinquing several ports burst into the House of Commons and asked in
a very royal way for some birds which he said were in there. The
Parliament, who were mostly Puritans, were so shocked that they began
making solemn Leagues and Countenances. Charles therefore became very
angry and complaining that the birds had flown raised his standard at
Nottingham and declared war against Hampden and the Roundheads.
THE WAR
At first the King was successful owing to Prince Rupert of Hentzau, his
famous cavalry leader, who was very dashing in all directions. After
this, many indecisive battles were fought at such places as Newbury,
Edgehill, Sedgehill, Newbury, Chalgrove Field, Newbury, etc., in all of
which the Cavaliers were rather victorious.
The Roundheads therefore made a new plan in order to win the war after
all. This was called the Self-Denying Ordnance and said that everyone
had to deny everything he had done up to that date, and that nobody
was allowed to admit who he was: thus the war could be started again
from the beginning. When the Roundheads had done this they were called
the New Moral Army and were dressed up as Ironclads and put under the
command of Oliver Cromwell, whose Christian name was Oliver and who was
therefore affectionately known as “Old Nick.” Cromwell was not only
moral and completely round in the head but had a large (round) wart on
the nose. He was consequently victorious in all the remaining battles
such as Newbury, Marston Moor, Edgehill (change for Chalgrove), Naseby,
Newbury, etc.
BLOOD AND IRONCLADS
When Charles I had been defeated he was brought to trial by the Rump
Parliament--so-called because it had been sitting for such a long
time--and was found guilty of being defeated in a war against himself,
which was, of course, a form of High Treason. He was therefore ordered
by Cromwell to go and have his head cut off (it was, the Roundheads
pointed out, the wrong shape, anyway). So romantic was Charles,
however, that this made little difference to him and it is very
memorable that he walked and talked Half an hour after his Head was cut
off.
[Illustration: Very memorable]
On seeing this, Cromwell was so angry that he picked up the mace (the
new and terrible Instrument of Government which he had invented)
and, pointing it at the Head, shouted: “Take away that Marble,” and
announced that his policy in future would be just Blood and Ironclads.
In order to carry out this policy he divided the country into twelve
districts and set a Serjeant-Major over each of them.
RULE OF THE SERJEANT-MAJORS
Nothing sickened the people of the rule of the Serjeant-Majors so
much as their cruel habit of examining little boys _viva-voce_.
For this purpose the unfortunate children were dressed in their
most uncomfortable satins and placed on a stool. The Serjeant-Major
would then ask such difficult questions as “How’s your Father?” or
“Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?” and those who could not answer were
given a cruel medicine called Pride’s Purge. All this was called the
Crommonwealth and was right but repulsive.
[Illustration]
THE CROWNING MERCY
The Roundheads at length decided to offer Cromwell the Crown. Cromwell,
however, was unwilling and declared it was a Crowning Mercy when he
found that it would not fit, having been designed for a Cavalier King.
Soon after, Cromwell died of a surfeit of Pride, Purges, Warts and other
Baubles.