1066 AND ALL THAT
[Illustration: Magna Garter]
1066
AND ALL THAT
_A Memorable History of England, comprising
all the parts you can remember, including 103
Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates_
_BY_
WALTER CARRUTHERS SELLAR
Aegrot: Oxon:
_AND_
ROBERT JULIAN YEATMAN
Failed M.A., etc. Oxon:
_ILLUSTRATED BY_
JOHN REYNOLDS, Gent.
METHUEN & CO. LTD. LONDON
_36 Essex Street, Strand, W.C.2_
_DEDICATION_
ABSIT OMAN
_This book was originally published October 16th 1930
It has been reprinted thirty-four times
Thirty-fifth edition, 1951_
CATALOGUE NO. 3858/U
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN
COMPULSORY PREFACE
(THIS MEANS YOU)
Histories have previously been written with the object of exalting
their authors. The object of this History is to console the reader. _No
other history does this._
History is not what you thought. _It is what you can remember._ All
other history defeats itself.
This is the only Memorable History of England, because all the History
that you can remember is in this book, which is the result of years of
research in golf-clubs, gun-rooms, green-rooms, etc.
For instance, 2 out of the 4 Dates originally included were eliminated
at the last moment, a research done at the Eton and Harrow match having
revealed that they are _not memorable_.
The Editors will be glad of further assistance towards the elimination,
in future editions, of any similarly unhistorical matter which, despite
their vigilance, may have crept into the text.
They take this opportunity of acknowledging their inestimable debt
to the mass of educated men and women of their race whose historical
intuitions and opinions this work enshrines.
Also, to the Great British People without whose self-sacrificing
determination to become top Nation there would have been no (memorable)
history.
History is now at an end (see p. 113); this History is therefore final.
W. C. S.
R. J. Y.
PREFACE TO SECOND EDITION
A first edition limited to 1 copy and printed on rice paper and bound
in buck-boards and signed by one of the editors was sold to the other
editor, who left it in a taxi somewhere between Piccadilly Circus and
the Bodleian.
W. C. S.
R. J. Y.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The Editors acknowledge their comparative indebtedness to the
Editors of _The Historical Review_, _Bradshaw_, _The Lancet_, _La
Vie Parisienne_, etc., in which none of the following chapters has
appeared. Their thanks are also due to their wife, for not preparing
the index wrong. There is no index.
PRESS OPINIONS
“This slim volume....” (_The Bookworm._)
“... We look forward keenly to the appearance of their last work.”
(_The Review of Reviews of Reviews._)
“... vague....” (_Vague._)
ERRATA
P. 3. _For_ Middletoe _read_ Mistletoe.
P. 9. _For_ looked 4th _read_ looked forth.
P. 43. _For_ Pheasant _read_ Peasant, throughout.
P. 44. _For_ sausage _read_ hostage.
[Illustration]
AUTHORS’ NOTE
Several portions of this book have appeared in _Punch_, and are
reprinted here by courtesy of the Proprietors of that paper.
CHAPTER I
CÆSAR INVADES BRITAIN
The first date[1] in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius
Cæsar (the _memorable_ Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful
invaders of these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days, when
the Romans were top nation on account of their classical education, etc.
[Illustration: Top nation]
Julius Cæsar advanced very energetically, throwing his cavalry several
thousands of paces over the River Flumen; but the Ancient Britons,
though all well over military age, painted themselves true blue, or
_woad_, and fought as heroically under their dashing queen, Woadicea,
as they did later in thin red lines under their good queen, Victoria.
Julius Cæsar was therefore compelled to invade Britain again the
following year (54 B.C., not 56, owing to the peculiar Roman method of
counting), and having defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means,
such as battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes and
bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, “Veni, Vidi, Vici,” which
the Romans, who were all very well educated, construed correctly.
[Illustration: Dawn of British heroism]
The Britons, however, who of course still used the old pronunciation,
understanding him to have called them “Weeny, Weedy and Weaky,” lost
heart and gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already divided
them All into Three Parts.
CULTURE AMONG THE ANCIENT BRITONS
The Ancient Britons were by no means savages before the Conquest, and
had already made great strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each
other in long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each other
alive (religion) under the guidance of even older Britons called Druids
or Eisteddfods, who worshipped the Middletoe in the famous Druidical
churchyard at Stoke Penge.
[Illustration: Agriculture]
The Roman Conquest was, however, a _Good Thing_, since the Britons were
only natives at that time.
THE ROMAN OCCUPATION
[Illustration: Roman occupied]
For some reason the Romans neglected to overrun the country with
fire and the sword, though they had both of these; in fact, after
the Conquest they did not mingle with the Britons at all, but lived
a semi-detached life in villas. They occupied their time for two or
three hundred years in building Roman roads and having Roman baths;
this was called the Roman Occupation, and gave rise to the memorable
Roman law, “HE WHO BATHS FIRST BATHS FAST,” which was a Good Thing, and
still is. The Roman roads ran absolutely straight in all directions
and all led to Rome. The Romans also built towns wherever they were
wanted, and, in addition, a wall between England and Scotland to keep
out the savage Picts and Scots. This wall was the work of the memorable
Roman Emperor Balbus and was thus called Hadrian’s Wall. The Picts, or
painted men,[2] were so called to distinguish them from the Britons.
(See _supra_, _woad_.)
FOOTNOTES:
[1] For the other date see Chapter XI, _William the Conqueror_.
[2] e.g. The Black Watch, The Red Comyn and Douglases of all colours.
CHAPTER II
BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
The withdrawal of the Roman legions to take part in Gibbon’s Decline
and Fall of the Roman Empire (due to a clamour among the Romans for
pompous amusements such as bread and circumstances) left Britain
defenceless and subjected Europe to that long succession of Waves of
which History is chiefly composed. While the Roman Empire was overrun
by waves not only of Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and even Goths, but also
of Vandals (who destroyed works of art) and Huns (who destroyed
everything and everybody, including Goths, Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and
even Vandals), Britain was attacked by waves of Picts (and, of course,
Scots) who had recently learnt how to climb the wall, and of Angles,
Saxons and Jutes who, landing at Thanet, soon overran the country with
fire (and, of course, the sword).
IMPORTANT NOTE
The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time
inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland;
while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets)
and _vice versa_. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in
mind (and _verce visa_).
HUMILIATION OF THE BRITONS
[Illustration: (? or horse)]
The brutal Saxon invaders drove the Britons westward into Wales and
compelled them to become Welsh, it is now considered doubtful whether
this was a Good Thing. Memorable among the Saxon warriors were Hengist
and his wife (? or horse), Horsa. Hengist made himself King in the
South. Thus Hengist was the first English King and his wife (or
horse), Horsa, the first English Queen (or horse). The country was
now almost entirely inhabited by Saxons and was therefore renamed
England, and thus (naturally) soon became C. of E. This was a Good
Thing, because previously the Saxons had worshipped some dreadful gods
of their own called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and
Saturday.
CHAPTER III
THE CONVERSION OF ENGLAND
Noticing some fair-haired children in the slave market one morning,
Pope Gregory, the memorable Pope, said (in Latin). “What are those?”
and on being told that they were Angels, made the memorable joke--“Non
Angli, sed Angeli” (“_not_ Angels, but _Anglicans_”) and commanded one
of his Saints called St. Augustine to go and convert the rest.
[Illustration: Angels?]
The conversion of England was thus effected by the landing of St.
Augustine in Thanet and other places, which resulted in the country
being overrun by a Wave of Saints. Among these were St. Ive, St.
Pancra, the great St. Bernard (originator of the clerical collar), St.
Bee, St. Ebb, St. Neot (who invented whisky), St. Kit and St. Kin, and
the Venomous Bead (author of _The Rosary_).
[Illustration: Wave of Sts.]
England was now divided into seven kingdoms and so ready were the
English to become C. of E. that on one memorable occasion a whole
Kingdom was easily converted by a sparrow.
WAVE OF EGG-KINGS
Soon after this event Egg-Kings were found on the thrones of all
these kingdoms, such as Eggberd, Eggbreth, Eggfroth, etc. None of
them, however, succeeded in becoming memorable--except in so far as
it is difficult to forget such names as Eggbirth, Eggbred, Eggbeard,
Eggfilth, etc. Nor is it even remembered by what kind of Eggdeath they
perished.
CHAPTER IV
BRITAIN CONQUERED AGAIN
The conversion of Britain was followed by a Wave of Danes, accompanied
by their sisters or _Sagas_, and led by such memorable warriors as
Harold Falsetooth and Magnus the Great, who, landing correctly in
Thanet, overran the country from right to left, with fire.[3] After
this the Danes invented a law called the Danelaw, which easily proved
that since there was nobody else left alive there, all the right-hand
part of England belonged to them. The Danish Conquest was, however,
undoubtedly a _Good Thing_, because although it made the Danes top
nation for a time it was the cause of Alfred the Cake (and in any case
they were beaten utterly _in the end_ by Nelson).
By this time the Saxons had all become very old like the Britons before
them and were called _ealdormen_; when they had been defeated in a
battle by the Danes they used to sing little songs to themselves such
as the memorable fragment discovered in the Bodleian Library at Oxford:
OLD-SAXON FRAGMENT
Syng a song of Saxons
In the Wapentake of Rye
Four and twenty eaoldormen
Two eaold to die....
_Anon._
The Danes, on the other hand, wrote a very defiant kind of Epic poetry,
e.g.:
BEOLEOPARD
. .
OR
THE WITAN’S WHAIL
. .
Whan Cnut Cyng the Witan wold enfeoff
Of infanthief and outfangthief
Wonderlich were they enwraged
And wordwar waged
Sware Cnut great scot and lot
Swingë wold ich this illbegotten lot.
Wroth was Cnut and wrothword spake.
Well wold he win at wopantake.
Fain wold he brakë frith and crackë heads
And than they shold worshippe his redes.
Swingéd Cnut Cyng with swung sword
Howléd Witanë hellë but hearkened his word
Murië sang Cnut Cyng
Outfangthief is Damgudthyng.
FOOTNOTES:
[3] And, according to certain obstinate historians, the Sword.
CHAPTER V
ALFRED THE CAKE
King Alfred was the first Good King, with the exception of Good King
Wenceslas, who, though he looked 4th, really came first (it is not
known, however, what King Wenceslas was King of). Alfred ought never
to be confused with King Arthur, equally memorable but probably
non-existent and therefore perhaps less important historically (unless
he did exist).
There is a story that King Arthur once burnt some cakes belonging to
Mrs. Girth, a great lady of the time, at a place called Atheling. As,
however, Alfred could not have been an Incendiary King _and_ a Good
King, we may dismiss the story as absurd, and in any case the event is
supposed to have occurred in a marsh where the cakes would not have
burnt properly. Cf. the famous lines of poetry about King Arthur and
the cakes:
“Then slowly answered Alfred from the marsh--”
_Arthur, Lord Tennyson._
CHAPTER VI
EXGALAHAD AND THE BRITISH NAVY
King Arthur invented Conferences because he was secretly a Weak King
and liked to know what his memorable thousand and one Knights wanted
to do next. As they were all parfitly jealous Knights he had to have
the Memorable Round Table made to have the Conferences at, so that it
was impossible to say which was top knight. He had a miraculous sword
called Exgalahad with which he defeated the Danes in numerous battles.
In this he was also much assisted by his marine inventions, including
the water-clock and the British Navy. The latter invention occurred as
follows.
Alfred noticed that the Danes had very long ships, so he built a great
many more much longer ones, thus cleverly founding the British Navy.
From that time onwards foreigners, who, unlike the English, do not
prefer to fight against long odds, seldom attacked the British Navy.
Hence the important International Law called the Rule Britannia,
technically known as the Freedom of the Seas.
HUMILIATION OF THE DANES
The English resisted the Danes heroically under Alfred, never fighting
except against heavy odds, till at the memorable Peace of Wedmore
Alfred compelled the Danes, who were now (of course) beaten, to stop
being Danes and become English and therefore C. of E. and get properly
married.
For this purpose they were made to go back and start again at Thanet,
after which they were called in future Thanes instead of Danes and were
on our side and in the right and very romantic.
CHAPTER VII
LADY WINDERMERE. AGE OF LAKE DWELLERS
[Illustration: A Bad Queen]
Alfred had a very interesting wife called Lady Windermere (The Lady
of the Lake), who was always clothed in the same white frock, and
used to go bathing with Sir Launcelot (also of the Lake) and was thus
a Bad Queen. It was also in King Arthur’s time that the _Anglo-Saxon
Chronicle_ was published: this was the first English newspaper and had
all the news about his victories, and Lady Windermere, and the Cakes,
etc.
CHAPTER VIII
ETHELREAD THE UNREADY. A WEAK KING
Ethelread the Unready was the first Weak King of England and was thus
the cause of a fresh Wave of Danes.
He was called the Unready because he was never ready when the Danes
were. Rather than wait for him the Danes used to fine him large sums
called Danegeld, for not being ready. But though they were always
ready, the Danes had very bad memories and often used to forget that
they had been paid the Danegeld and come back for it almost before they
had sailed away. By that time Ethelread was always unready again.
Finally, Ethelread was taken completely unawares by his own death and
was succeeded by Canute.
CHAPTER IX
CANUTE, AN EXPERIMENTAL KING
This memorable monarch, having set out from Norway to collect some
Danegeld, landed by mistake at Thanet, and thus became King.
CANUTE AND THE WAVES
[Illustration: A Bad King]
Canute began by being a Bad King on the advice of his Courtiers, who
informed him (owing to a misunderstanding of the Rule Britannia) that
the King of England was entitled to sit on the sea without getting wet.
But finding that they were wrong he gave up this policy and decided to
take his own advice in future--thus originating the memorable proverb,
“Paddle your own Canute”--and became a Good King and C. of E., and
ceased to be memorable. After Canute there were no more aquatic kings
till William IV (see later, Creation of Piers).
Canute had two sons, Halfacanute and Partacanute, and two other
offspring, Rathacanute and Hardlicanute, whom, however, he would never
acknowledge, denying to the last that he was their Fathacanute.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER X
EDWARD THE CONFESSOR
On his death Canute’s Kingdom was divided between two further sons, who
had been previously overlooked, Aftercanute and Harold Harebrush. These
were succeeded by Edward the Confessor. It was about this time that the
memorable Mac Beth (“Ian Hay”), known as the Bane of Fife, murdered a
number of his enemies, including Mac Duff, Lord Dunsinaney, Sleep, etc.
Edward the Confessor was with difficulty prevented from confessing to
all these and many other crimes committed in his reign, as he was in
the habit of confessing everything whether he had done it or not, and
was thus a Weak King.
THE LAST ENGLISH KING
With Edward the Confessor perished the last English King (viz. Edward
the Confessor), since he was succeeded by Waves of Norman Kings
(French), Tudors (Welsh), Stuarts (Scottish) and Hanoverians (German),
not to mention the memorable Dutch King Williamanmary.
TEST PAPER I
UP TO THE END OF 1066
1. Which do you consider were the more alike, Cæsar or Pompey, or
_vice versa_? (Be brief.)
2. Discuss, in latin or gothic (_but not both_), whether the
Northumbrian Bishops were more schismatical than the Cumbrian
Abbots. (Be bright.)
3. Which came first, A.D. or B.C.? (Be careful.)
4. Has it never occurred to you that the Romans _counted backwards_?
(Be honest.)
5. How angry would you be if it was suggested
(1) That the XIth Chap. of the _Consolations of Boethius_ was an
interpolated palimpsest?
(2) That an eisteddfod was an agricultural implement?
6. How would you have attempted to deal with
(_a_) The Venomous Bead?
(_b_) A Mabinogion or Wapentake? (Be quick.)
7. What would have happened if (_a_) Boadicea had been the daughter
of Edward the Confessor? (_b_) Canute had succeeded in sitting on
the waves?
Does it matter?
8. Have you the faintest recollection of
(1) Ethelbreth?
(2) Athelthral?
(3) Thruthelthrolth?
9. What _have_ you the faintest recollection of?
10. Estimate the average age of
(1) The Ancient Britons.
(2) Ealdormen.
(3) Old King Cole.
11. Why do you know nothing at all about
(_a_) The Laws of Infangthief and Egg-seisin?
(_b_) Saint Pancras?
12. Would you say that Ethelread the Unready was directly responsible
for the French Revolution? If so, what _would_ you say?
N.B.--Do not attempt to answer more than one question at a time.
CHAPTER XI
WILLIAM I. A CONQUERING KING
In the year 1066 occurred the other memorable date in English History,
viz. _William the Conqueror, Ten Sixty-six_. This is also called _The
Battle of Hastings_, and was when William I (1066) conquered England at
the Battle of Senlac (_Ten Sixty-six_).
[Illustration: First Conquering Action]
When William the Conqueror landed he lay down on the beach and
swallowed two mouthfuls of sand. This was his first conquering action
and was in the South; later he ravaged the North as well.
The Norman Conquest was a Good Thing, as from this time onwards England
stopped being conquered and thus was able to become top nation.
DOOMSDAY BOOK AND THE FORESTS
William next invented a system according to which everybody had to
belong to somebody else, and everybody else to the King. This was
called the Feutile System, and in order to prove that it was true he
wrote a book called the _Doomsday Book_, which contained an inventory
of all the Possessions of all his subjects; after reading the book
through carefully William agreed with it and signed it, indicating to
everybody that the Possessions mentioned in it were now his.
William the Conqueror (1066) is memorable for having loved an old stag
as if it was his father, and was in general very fond of animals: he
therefore made some very just and conquering laws about the Forests.
One of these laws said that _all the forests and places which were not
already Possessions belonged to the King_ and that anyone found in them
should _have his ears and legs cut off_--(these belonged to somebody
else under the Feutile System, anyway)--and (if this had not already
been done) should have his _eyes put out with red-hot irons_; after
this the offender was allowed to fly the country.
Another very conquering law made by William I said that everyone had
to go to bed at eight o’clock. This was called the Curfew and was a
Good Thing in the end since it was the cause of Gray’s Energy in the
country churchyard (at Stoke Penge).
Although in all these ways William the Conqueror (1066) was a very
strong king he was eventually stumbled to death by a horse and was
succeeded by his son Rufus.
CHAPTER XII
RUFUS. A RUDDY KING
[Illustration: A Good Thing]
This monarch was always very angry and red in the face and was
therefore unpopular, so that his death was a Good Thing: it occurred
in the following memorable way. Rufus was hunting one day in the New
Forest, when William Tell (the memorable crack-shot, inventor of
Cross-bow puzzles) took unerring aim at a reddish apple, which had
fallen on to the King’s head, and shot him through the heart. Sir Isaac
Walton, who happened to be present at the time, thereupon invented the
Law of Gravity. Thus was the reign of Rufus brought to a Good End.
CHAPTER XIII
HENRY I. A TRAGIC KING
Henry I was famous for his handwriting and was therefore generally
called Henry Beau-geste. He was extremely fond of his son William, who
was, however, drowned in the White City. Henry tried to console himself
for his loss by eating a surfeit of palfreys. This was a Bad Thing
since he died of it and _never smiled again_.
CHAPTER XIV
THE DREADFUL STORY OF STEPHEN AND HIS AUNT MATILDA (OR MAUD)
The moment Stephen came to the throne it was realized that he was a
mistake and had been christened wrong; thus everything was thrown into
confusion.
Stephen himself felt quite uncalled for, and even his Aunt Matilda
was able to take him in when she began announcing that she was the
real King. Stephen, however, soon discovered that she had been
malchristened, too, and was unable to say for certain whether her name
was Matilda or Maud.
After this Stephen and Matilda (or Maud) spent the reign escaping from
each other over the snow in nightgowns while ‘God and His Angels slept.’
[Illustration: Lax State of Affairs]
Taking advantage of this lax state of affairs, the Barons built a
surfeit of romantic castles, into which they lured everybody and then
put them to the torture; nor is it recorded that the Sword was once
sheathed, right to the bottom, during the whole of this dreadful
reign. Hence the memorable greeting so common among the Barons of the
time--“Merrie Englande!”
CHAPTER XV
HENRY II. A JUST KING
Henry II was a great Lawgiver, and it was he who laid down the great
Legal Principle that everything is either legal or (preferably) illegal.
He also made another very just arrangement about trials:--
Before Henry II’s time there were two kinds of legal trial, (_a_) the
Ideal and (_b_) the Combat. The Ideal form of trial consisted in making
a man plunge his head in boiling ploughshares, in order to see whether
he had committed a crime or not. According to Henry’s reformed system a
man was tried first by a jury of his equals and only had to plunge his
head into the ploughshares afterwards (in order to confirm the jury’s
opinion that he had committed the crime). This was obviously a much
_Better Thing_.
The Combat was a system by which in civil cases the litigants decided
their dispute by mortal combat, after which the defeated party was
allowed to fly the country. But Henry altered all this and declared
that a Grand Jury must decide first what the parties were fighting
about: a reform which naturally gave rise to grave discontent among the
Barons, who believed in the Combat, the whole Combat and nothing but
the Combat.
THOMAS À BELLOC
It was at this time that Thomas à Belloc, the great religious leader,
claimed that clergymen, whatever crimes they might commit, could not
be punished at all; this privilege, which was for some reason known as
Benefit of Clergy, was in full accord with the devout spirit of the
age. Henry II, however, exclaimed to some of his Knights one day, “Who
will rid me of this Chesterton beast?” Whereupon the Knights pursued
Belloc and murdered him in the organ at Canterbury Cathedral. Belloc
was therefore made a Saint and the Knights came to be called the
Canterbury Pilgrims.
Shortly afterwards Henry died of despair on receiving news that his
sons were all revolting.
CHAPTER XVI
THE AGE OF PIETY
The Chapters between William I (1066) and the Tudors (Henry VIII, etc.)
are always called the _Middle Ages_, on account of their coming at the
beginning; this was also _The Age of Piety_, since Religious fervour
was then at its height, people being (1) burnt alive with faggots (The
Steak), (2) bricked up in the walls of Convents (Religious Foundations)
and (3) tortured in dungeons (The Confessional).
All this was not only pious but a Good Thing, as many of the people who
were burnt, bricked, tortured, etc., became quite otherworldly.
Nowadays people are not so pious, even sinners being denied the
benefits of fervent Religion.
CHAPTER XVII
RICHARD I. A WILD KING
Richard I was a hairy King with a Lion’s Heart; he went roaring about
the Desert making ferocious attacks on the Saladins and the Paladins,
and was thus a very romantic King. Whenever he returned to England
he always set out again immediately for the Mediterranean and was
therefore known as Richard Gare de Lyon. He had a sword of enormous
dimensions with which he used to practise cutting iron bars and anvils
in half, whereas the Saladins had very sharp swords which were only
useful for cutting cushions in half. In spite of which the Crusaders
under Richard never got Jerusalem back; this was undoubtedly due to
the treacherous behaviour of the Saladins, who used to fire on the Red
Cross which the Crusaders wore on their chests in battle.
[Illustration: A Wild King]
THE STORY OF BLONDIN
Richard is also famous for having a minstrel boy (or Touralour) called
Blondin who searched for him under the walls of all the dungeons in
Europe. This was when Richard had been caught by the blind King of
Bohemia during a game of Blind King’s Bluff and sold to the Holy Roman
Terror. Blondin eventually found him by singing the memorable song (or
“touralay”) called “O Richard et mon Droit” (“Are you right, there,
Richard?”), which Richard himself had composed. Richard roared the
chorus so that Blondin knew which dungeon he was in, and thus the
King easily escaped and returned to the Crusades, where he died soon
after of a surfeit of Saladins, and was therefore known in the East as
Richard Cœur de Laitue.
CHAPTER XVIII
JOHN. AN AWFUL KING
When John came to the throne he lost his temper and flung himself on
the floor, foaming at the mouth and biting the rushes. He was thus a
Bad King. Indeed, he had begun badly as a Bad Prince, having attempted
to answer the Irish Question[4] by pulling the beards of the aged Irish
chiefs, which was a Bad Thing and the wrong answer.
PRINCE ARTHUR--A TRAGEDY IN LITTLE
John had a little nephew called Little Arthur, who was writing a little
History of England in quite a small dungeon, and whose little blue
eyes John had ordered to be put out with some weeny red-hot irons. The
gaoler Hubert, however, who was a Good Man, wept so much that he put
out the red-hot irons instead. John was therefore compelled to do the
little deed himself with a large, smallish knife, thus becoming the
first memorable wicked uncle.
THE BULL
John was so bad that the Pope decided to put the whole country under
an Interdict, i.e. he gave orders that no one was to be born or die
or marry (except in Church porches). But John was still not cured
of his Badness; so the Pope sent a Bull to England to excommunicate
John himself. In spite of the King’s efforts to prevent it the Bull
succeeded in landing and gave orders that John himself was not to be
born or marry or die (except in Church porches); that no one was to
obey him or stand him a drink or tell him the right time or the answer
to the Irish Question or anything nice. So at last John gave way and he
and his subjects began once more to be born and to marry and to die,
etc. etc.
FOOTNOTES:
[4] N.B.--The Irish Question at this time consisted of:
(1) Some Norman Barons, who lived in a Pail (near Dublin).
(2) The natives and Irish Chieftains, who were beyond Pail, living
in bogs, beards, etc.
CHAPTER XIX
MAGNA CHARTER
There also happened in this reign the memorable Charta, known as
Magna Charter on account of the Latin _Magna_ (great) and Charter (a
Charter); this was the first of the famous Chartas and Gartas of the
Realm and was invented by the Barons on a desert island in the Thames
called Ganymede. By congregating there, armed to the teeth, the Barons
compelled John to sign the Magna Charter, which said:
1. That no one was to be put to death, save for some reason--(except
the Common People).
2. That everyone should be free--(except the Common People).
3. That everything should be of the same weight and measure
throughout the Realm--(except the Common People).
4. That the Courts should be stationary, instead of following a very
tiresome mediæval official known as the _King’s Person_ all over
the country.
5. That “no person should be fined to his utter ruin”--(except the
King’s Person).
6. That the Barons should not be tried except by a special jury of
other Barons who would understand.
Magna Charter was therefore the chief cause of Democracy in England,
and thus a _Good Thing_ for everyone (except the Common People).
[Illustration: Utter Incompetence]
After this King John hadn’t a leg to stand on and was therefore known
as “John Lackshanks.”
FINAL ACTS OF MISGOVERNMENT
John finally demonstrated his utter incompetence by losing the Crown
and all his clothes in the wash and then dying of a surfeit of peaches
and no cyder; thus his awful reign came to an end.
CHAPTER XX
ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRIE MEN
About this time the memorable hero Robin Hood flourished in a romantic
manner. Having been unjustly accused by two policemen in Richmond
Park, he was condemned to be an outdoor and went and lived with a maid
who was called Marion, and a band of Merrie Men, in Greenwood Forest,
near Sherborne. Amongst his Merrie Men were Will Scarlet (_The Scarlet
Pimpernel_), Black Beauty, White Melville, Little Red Riding Hood
(probably an outdaughter of his) and the famous Friar Puck who used to
sit in a cowslip and suck bees, thus becoming so fat that he declared
he could put his girdle round the Earth.
Robin Hood was a miraculous shot with the longbow and it is said
that he could split a hare at 400 paces and a Sheriff at 800. He
therefore spent his time blowing a horn and shooting at the Sheriff
of Nottingham (who was an outwit). He always used to sound his horn
first, particularly when shooting round a corner; this showed his
sportsmanship and also enabled him to shoot the Sheriff running, which
was more difficult.
Robin Hood was also very good at socialism and often took money away
from rich clergymen and gave it to the poor, who loved him for his
generosity. He died very romantically. Having taken some medicine
supplied by his Wicked Aunt and feeling his strength going, he blew a
dying blast on his horn and with his dying breath fired a last shot out
of his bedroom window, and _hit the Sheriff of Nottingham again_.
[Illustration: Sheriff running ... more difficult]
CHAPTER XXI
HENRY III. A NONDESCRIPT KING
Henry III was a confused kind of King and is only memorable for having
seized all the money in the Mint, imprisoned himself in the Tower of
London and, finally, flung himself into the Bosom of the Pope.
While he was in the Tower, Henry III wrote a letter to the nation
saying that he was a Good Thing. This so confused the Londoners that
they armed themselves with staves, jerkins, etc., and massacred the
Jews in the City. Later, when he was in the Pope’s Bosom, Henry further
confused the People by presenting all the Bonifaces of the Church
to Italians. And the whole reign was rapidly becoming less and less
memorable when one of the Barons called Simon de Montfort saved the
situation by announcing that he had a memorable Idea.
SIMON DE MONTFORT’S GOOD IDEA
Simon de Montfort’s Idea was to make the Parliament more Representative
by inviting one or two vergers, or vergesses, to come from every
parish, thus causing the only Good Parliament in History.
THE BARONS
Simon de Montfort, though only a Frenchman, was thus a Good Thing, and
is very notable as being the only good Baron in history. The other
Barons were, of course, all wicked Barons. They had, however, many
important duties under the Banorial system. These were:
1. To be armed to the teeth.
2. To extract from the Villein[5] Saccage and Soccage, tollage
and tallage, pillage and ullage, and, in extreme cases, all other
banorial amenities such as umbrage and porrage. (These may be
collectively defined as the banorial rites of carnage and
wreckage.)
3. To hasten the King’s death, deposition, insanity, etc., and make
quite sure that there were always at least three false claimants to
the throne.
4. To resent the Attitude of the Church. (The Barons were secretly
jealous of the Church, which they accused of encroaching on their
rites--see p. 22, Age of Piety.)
5. To keep up the Middle Ages.
[Illustration: To extract from _The Villein_]
NOTE
In order to clear up the general confusion of the period it is
customary to give at this point a genealogical table of the Kings
(and even some Queens) of England. As these tables are themselves
somewhat confusing, the one which follows has been to a certain extent
_rationalized_, and will, the Editors hope, prove to be exceptionally
memorable.
Julius Cæsar = Cymbaline
|
+--------------------------+----------------+
| |
Balbus = Boadicea Alfred (Arthur) = Lady
| | Windermere
| | (The Lady
| | of the
| | Lake)
+------+ +----------+
| |
Edward the Confessor = The Lady
| of Shalott John of Gaunt = (1) Lady Godiva
| | (2) Margaret of
| | Angoulême
| | (3) Joan of Arc
| | (4) The Infanta
| | (5) The Maria
| | Theresa
| | (6) Ann of
| | Geierstein
| | (7) etc.
| | (8) etc. etc.
| |
+-------------+--+-------+ +---------------+---------+
| | | | | |
William I Broody Mary Edward I Henry I o.s.p.* James I Richard
| | | | | I
| | | | | |
William II Elizabeth Edward II Henry II James II Richard
| | | | | II
| | | | | |
Williamanmary Anne Edward III Henry III Charles I Richard
| | | | | III
| | | | |
William IV | Edward IV Henry IV (Part I) Charles II
| | | |
| Edward V Henry V George I
+------------+ | | |
| Edward VI Henry VI George II
| | | |
| Edward VII Henry VII George III
| | |
Victoria Henry VIII George IV
Carried forward: Ole King Cole
Stephen
John o.s.p.†
Henry IV (Part II) _E. & O. E._
TEST PAPER II
UP TO THE END OF HENRY III
*1. Give the dates of at least two of the following:
(1) William the Conqueror.
(2) 1066.
*2. What is a Plantagenet? Do you agree?
*3. Trace by means of graphs, etc.,
(1) The incidence of scurvy in the Chiltern Hundreds during the
reign of Rufus.
(2) The Bosom of the Pope.
(Squared paper, compasses, etc., may be used.)
*4. Expostulate (chiefly) on
(_a_) The Curfew.
(_b_) Gray’s Energy in the Country Churchyard.
*5. Estimate the size of
(1) Little Arthur.
(2) Friar Puck.
(3) Magna Charta.
6. Fill in the names of at least some of the following:
(1) -------------.
(2) -------------.
(3) Simon de Montfort.
7. King John had no redeeming features. (Illustrate.)
8. Arrange in this order;
(1) Henry I.
(2) Henry II.
(3) Henry III.
(Do not attempt to answer more than once.)
*9.
(_a_) How far did the Lords Repellent drive Henry III into the arms
of Pedro the Cruel? (Protractors may not be used.)
(_b_) Matilda or Maud? (Write on one side of the paper only.)
*10. How would you dispose of:
(_a_) A Papal Bull?
(_b_) Your nephews?
(_c_) Your mother? (Be brutal.)
*11. Which would you rather be:
(1) The Sheriff of Nottingham?
(2) A Weak King?
(3) Put to the Sword?
*N.B.--Candidates over thirty need not attempt questions 10, 2, 5, 3,
4, 11, 8 or 1.
FOOTNOTES:
[5] _Villein_: mediæval term for agricultural labourer, usually
suffering from scurvy, Black Death, etc.
CHAPTER XXII
EDWARD I. A STRONG KING
Long before Henry III had died (of a surfeit of Barons, Bonifaces,
etc.) Edward I had taken advantage of the general confusion and of the
death of Simon de Montfort (probably of a surfeit of Vergers) to become
King before his reign had begun.
[Illustration: Sat on it himself]
Edward I was thus a strong King, and one of the first things he did was
to make a strong arrangement about the Law Courts. Hitherto there had
been a number of Benches there, on all of which a confused official
called the Justinian had tried to sit. Edward had them all amalgamated
into one large Bench called the King’s Bench, and sat on it himself.
Edward I, who had already (in his Saladin days) piously decimated
several thousand Turks at Nazareth, now felt so strong that he decided
to Hammer the Scots, who accordingly now come right into History.
[Illustration: Malleus Scotorum]
[Illustration]
The childless Scotch King Alexander the Great had trotted over a cliff
and was thus dead; so the Scots asked Edward to tell them who was King
of Scotland, and Edward said that a Balliol man ought to be. Delighted
with this decision the Scots crossed the Border and ravaged Cumberland
with savage ferocity; in reply to which Edward also crossed the Border
and, carrying off the Sacred Scone of Scotland on which the Scottish
Kings had been crowned for centuries, buried it with great solemnity in
Westminster Abbey.
This was, of course, a Good Thing for the Scots because it was the
cause of William the Wallace (not to be confused with Robert Bruce),
who immediately defeated the English at Cambuskenneth (Scotch for
Stirling) and invaded England with ferocious savagery. In answer to
this Edward captured the Bruce and had him horribly executed with
savage ferocity. Soon after, Edward died of suffocation at a place
called Burrow-in-the-Sands and was succeeded by his worthless son
Edward II.
CHAPTER XXIII
EDWARD II. A WORTHLESS KING
[Illustration]
Edward II had a wave of favourites or hangers-on at Court, of whom
the worst were the Suspenders and the Peers Gaveston. There were two
memorable Suspenders, the Old Suspender and the Young Suspender, and
they were Edward’s reply to the continual applications of the Barons
for a confirmation of all the charters and garters of the Realm. But
even Edward II’s worthless character cannot alone explain.
THE BATTLE OF BANNOCKBURN
The Scots were now under the leadership of the Bruce (not to be
confused with the Wallace), who, doubtful whether he had slain the Red
Comyn or not, armed himself with an enormous spider and marched against
the English, determined if possible to win back the Great Scone by
beating the English three times running.
[Illustration: THE BANNOCKBURN
(or Flodden)]
The fact that the English were defeated has so confused Historians that
many false theories are prevalent about the Bannockburn Campaign. What
actually happened is quite clear from the sketch map on opposite page.
The causes of the English defeat were all unfair and were:
1. _The Pits._ Every time the Wallace saw some English Knights
charging at him he quickly dug one of these unnatural hazards into
which the English Knights, who had been taught to ride straight,
galloped with flying colours.
2. _Superior numbers of the English_ (four to one). Accustomed to
fight against heavy odds the English were uneasy, and when the
Scots were unexpectedly reinforced by a large body of butlers with
camp stools the English soldiers mistook them for a fresh army of
Englishmen and retreated in disgust.
3. _Foul riding by Scottish Knights._ This was typified even before
the battle during an exhibition combat between the Bruce and the
English Champion, Baron Henry le Bohunk, when Bruce, mounted on
a Shetland pony, galloped underneath the Baron and, coming up
unexpectedly on the blind side, struck him a foul blow behind and
maced him up for life.
MEMORABLE SCREAMS OF EDWARD II
Edward II was so weak that he kept banishing his favourites and then
unbanishing them again. The Barons therefore became so impatient that
they deposed Edward without even waiting to arrange for any false
claimants to the throne. Thus Edward III became King.
Shortly afterwards HORRIBLE SCREAMS were heard issuing from the
Berkeley where Edward II was imprisoned and the next day he was
horribly dead. But since not even the Barons would confess to having
horribly murdered him, it is just possible that Edward had merely been
dying of a surfeit in the ordinary way.
CHAPTER XXIV
EDWARD III. A ROMANTIC KING
Edward III had a very romantic reign which he began by confining his
mother in a stronghold for the rest of her life, and inventing a law
called the Gallic Law according to which he was King of France, and
could therefore make war on it whenever he felt inclined.
In order to placate Edward, the French King sent him a box of new
tennis balls. When the parcel was opened the Prince of Wales, who
was present, mottoed to himself memorably (in Bohemian) “Ich Dien,”
which means “My serve,” and immediately invaded France with an army of
archers. This prince was the memorable All-Black Prince, and the war
was called the Hundred Years War, because the troops signed on for a
hundred years or the duration.
THE BATTLE OF CRESY
This deçisive battle of the world was fought during a total eclipçe of
the sun and naturally ended in a complete victory for the All-Black
Prince, who very romantically “won his Spurs”[6] by slaughtering
one-third of the French nobility.
THE SIX BURGLARS OF CALAIS
Edward III then laid siege to Calais in order to be ready to return to
England if necessary, and on the capitulation of the town ordered the
six richest citizens to come forth with halters round their necks and
wearing only their shorts, and to surrender all the keys in the city.
The inhabitants therefore at once appointed the six chief burglars of
Calais and Edward agreed with this, romantically commanding that they
should be put to death as soon as they came in. His Queen, however,
pointed out what a much more romantic thing it would be to pardon
them and make them barons in the Exchequer. Edward therefore pardoned
them in spite of his private feelings that the original plan was more
romantic still.
After this Edward had all the wool in England kept in a stable at
Calais instead of in a sack in the House of Commons; this was a Bad
Thing, as it was the beginning of Political Economy.
WYCLIF AND THE DULLARDS
During this reign the memorable preacher Wyclif collected together a
curious set of men known as the Lollards or Dullards, because they
insisted on walking about with their tongues hanging out and because
they were so stupid that they could not do the Bible in Latin and
demanded that everyone should be allowed to use an English translation.
They were thus heretics and were accordingly unpopular with the top
men in the Church who were very good at Latin and who liked to see
some Dullards burnt before every meal. Hence the memorable grace “De
Heretico Comburendo, Amen,” known as the Pilgrim’s Grace.
[Illustration]
ROYAL TACT
[Illustration]
Edward III had very good manners. One day at a royal dance he
noticed some men-about-court mocking a lady whose garter had come
off, whereupon to put her at her ease he stopped the dance and made
the memorable epitaph: “_Honi soie qui mal y pense_” (“Honey, your
silk stocking’s hanging down”) and having replaced the garter with a
romantic gesture gave the ill-mannered courtiers the Order of the Bath.
(This was an extreme form of torture in the Middle Ages.)
FOOTNOTES:
[6] His father the King had betted him a pair of hotspurs that he could
not do this.
CHAPTER XXV
RICHARD II. AN UNBALANCED KING
[Illustration: Got off the throne]
Richard II was only a boy at his accession: one day, however,
suspecting that he was now twenty-one, he asked his uncle and, on
learning that he was, mounted the throne himself and tried first being
a Good King and then being a Bad King, without enjoying either very
much: then, being told that he was unbalanced, he got off the throne
again in despair, exclaiming gloomily: “For God’s sake let me sit on
the ground and tell bad stories about cabbages and things.” Whereupon
his cousin Lancaster (spelt Bolingbroke) quickly mounted the throne and
said he was Henry IV, Part I.
Richard was thus abdicated and was led to the Tower and subsequently to
Pontefract Castle where he died of mysterious circumstances, probably a
surfeit of Pumfreys (spelt Pontefracts).
APPENDIX
THE PHEASANTS REVOLT
They did this in several reigns under such memorable leaders as Black
Kat, Straw Hat, John Bull and What Tyler
I. Objects:
(_a_) to obtain a free pardon for having revolted.
(_b_) to find out which was the gentleman when Adam delved and Eve
span. (The answer was, of course, Adam, but the mystics of the
Church had concealed this dangerous knowledge.)
(_c_) to find out who was King and which of them was the Leader of
the Rebellion.
(_d_) to abolish the Villein.
The Pheasants’ Revolts were therefore purely educational movements and
were thus easily suppressed.
II. How Quelled:
(_a_) the Pheasants were met at Smithfield by the King who
(_b_) riding forward alone on a white horse answered object (_c_) by
announcing (I) “I am your King,” and (II) “I will be your
leader.”
(_c_) the real leader was then slain quickly by one of the Barons.
(_d_) a free pardon was granted to the Pheasants [see object (_a_)].
(_e_) all were then put to death on the ground that they were
Villeins [see object (_d_)].
These Revolts were thus clearly romantic episodes, and a Good Thing,
and the clergy were enabled to prevent the pheasants finding out the
answer to object (_b_).
CHAPTER XXVI
HENRY IV. A SPLIT KING
When Henry IV Part I came to the throne the Barons immediately flung
their gloves on the floor in order to prove
1. That Richard II was not yet dead
2. That Henry had murdered him.
Henry very gallantly replied to this challenge by exhibiting Richard
II’s head in St. Paul’s Cathedral, thus proving that he was innocent.
Finding, however, that he was not memorable, he very patriotically
abdicated in favour of Henry IV, Part II.
RENEWED EDUCATIONAL FERMENT
Even Henry IV Part II, however, is only memorable for having passed
some interesting laws against his _Old Retainers_, i.e. butlers and
sutlers, who had irritated him by demanding _Liveries_, requiring too
much _Maintenance_, etc. He also captured the Scottish Prince James
and, while keeping him as a sausage, had him carefully educated for
nineteen years; finding, however, that James was still Scotch, Henry IV
Part II lost interest in education and died.