_Undershell (to himself, as he emerges from a back staircase)._ I
suppose this _is_ the corridor? The Boy said the name of the room was
painted up over the door.... Ah, there it is; and, yes, Mr. SPURRELL'S
name on a card.... The door is ajar; he is probably waiting for me
inside. I shall meet him quite temperately, treat it simply as a----(_He
enters; a waste-paper basket, containing an ingenious arrangement of
liquid and solid substances, descends on his head._) What the devil do
you mean, Sir, by this outrageous----? All dark! Nobody here! Is there a
general conspiracy to insult me? Have I been lured up here for a
brutal----(SPURRELL _bursts in_.) Ah, _there_ you are, Sir! (_With cold
dignity, through the lattice-work of the basket._) Will you kindly
explain what this means?
_Spurrell._ Wait till I strike a light. (_After lighting a pair of
candles._) Well, Sir, if _you_ don't know why you're ramping about like
that under a waste-paper basket, I can hardly be expected to----
_Und._ I was determined not to remove it until somebody came in; it fell
on my head the moment I entered; it contained something in a soap-dish,
which has wetted my face. You may laugh, Sir, but if this is a sample of
your aristocratic----
_Spurr._ If you could only see yourself! But _I_'d nothing to do with
it, 'pon my word I hadn't; only just this minute got away from the
hall.... _I_ know! It's that sulky young beggar, BEARPARK. I remember
he slipped off on some excuse or other just now. He must have come in
here and fixed that affair up for me--confound him!
_Und._ I think _I_'m the person most entitled to----But no matter; it is
merely one insult more among so many. I came here, Sir, for a purpose,
as you are aware.
_Spurr. (ruefully)._ Your dress clothes? All right, you shall have them
directly. I wouldn't have put 'em on if I'd known they'd be wanted so
soon.
_Und._ I should have thought your own would have been more comfortable.
_Spurr._ More comfortable! I believe you. Why, I assure you I feel like
a Bath bun in a baby's sock! But how was I to know? You shouldn't leave
your things about like that!
_Und._ It is usual, Sir, for people to come to a place like this
provided with evening clothes of their own.
_Spurr._ I know that as well as you do. Don't you suppose I'm
unacquainted with the usages of society! Why, I've stayed in
boarding-houses at the seaside many a time where it was de rigger to
dress--even for high tea! But coming down, as I did, on business, it
never entered my head that I should want my dress suit. So when I found
them all as chummy and friendly as possible, and expecting me to dine as
a matter of course,--why, I can tell you I was too jolly glad to get
hold of anything in the shape of a swallowtail and white choker to be
over particular!
_Und._ You seem to have been more fortunate in your reception than I.
But then _I_ had not the advantage of being here in a business capacity.
_Spurr._ Well, it wasn't that altogether. You see, I'm a kind of a
celebrity in my way.
_Und._ I should hardly have thought _that_ would be a recommendation
here.
_Spurr._ I was surprised myself to find what a lot they thought of it;
but, bless you, they're all as civil as shopwalkers; and, as for the
ladies, why, the old Countess and Lady MAISIE and Lady RHODA couldn't be
more complimentary if I'd won the Victoria Cross, instead of getting a
first prize for breeding and exhibiting a bull bitch at CRUFT'S Dog
Show!
_Und. (bitterly, to himself)._ And this is our aristocracy! They make a
bosom friend of a breeder of dogs; and find a poet only fit to associate
with their servants! What a theme for a satirist! (_Aloud._) I see
nothing to wonder at. You possess precisely the social qualifications
most likely to appeal to the leisured class.
_Spurr._ Oh, there's a lot of humbug in it, mind you! Most of 'em know
about as much of the points of a bull as the points of a compass, only
they let on to know a lot because they think it's smart. And some of 'em
are after a pup from old Drummy's next litter. _I_ see through all that,
you know!
_Und._ You are a cynic, I observe, Sir. But possibly the nature of the
business which brings you here renders them----
_Spurr._ That's the rummest thing about it. I haven't heard a word about
that yet. I'm in the veterinary profession, you know. Well, they sent
for me to see some blooming horse, and never even ask me to go near it!
Seems odd, don't it?
_Und. (to himself)._ _I_ had to go near the blooming horse! Now I begin
to understand; the very servants did not expect to find a professional
vet in any company but their own! (_Aloud._) I--I trust that the horse
will not suffer through any delay.
_Spurr._ So do I; but how do I know that some ignorant duffer mayn't be
treating him for the wrong thing? It may be all up with the animal
before I get a chance of seeing what I can do!
_Und. (to himself)._ If he knew how near I went to getting the poor
beast shot! But I needn't mention that now.
_Spurr._ I don't say it isn't gratifying to be treated like a swell, but
I've got my professional reputation to consider, you know; and if
they're going to take up all my time talking about _Andromeda_----
_Und. (with a start)._ _Andromeda!_ They have been talking about
_Andromeda_? To you! Then it's _you_ who----
_Spurr._ Haven't I been telling you? I should just jolly well think they
_have_ been talking about her! So you didn't know my bull's name was
_Andromeda_ before, eh? But _you_ seem to have heard of her, too!
_Und. (slowly)._ I--I _have_ heard
of _Andromeda_--yes.
[_He drops into a chair, dazed._
_Spurr. (complacently)._ It's curious how that bitch's fame seems to
have spread. Why, even the old Bishop----But, I say, you're looking
rather queer; anything the matter with you, old fellow?
_Und. (faintly)._ Nothing--nothing. I--I feel a little giddy, that's
all. I shall be better presently.
[_He conceals his face._
_Spurr. (in concern)._ It was having that basket down on your head like
that. Too bad! Here, I'll get you some water. (_He bustles about._) I
don't know if you're aware of it, old chap, but you're in a regular
_dooce_ of a mess!
_Und. (motioning him away irritably)._ Do you suppose I don't know
_that_? For heaven's sake, don't speak to me! let me alone!... I want to
think--I want to think. (_To himself._) I see it all now! I've made a
hideous mistake! I thought these CULVERINS were deliberately----And all
the time----Oh, what an unspeakable idiot I've been!... And I can't even
explain!... The only thing to do is to escape before this fellow
suspects the truth. It's lucky I ordered that carriage! (_Aloud,
rising._) I'm all right now; and--and I can't stay here any longer. I am
leaving directly--directly!
_Spurr._ You must give me time to get out of this toggery, old chap;
you'll have to pick me out of it like a lobster!
_Und. (wildly)._ The clothes? Never mind them now. I can't wait. Keep
them!
_Spurr._ Do you really mean it, old fellow? If you _could_ spare 'em a
bit longer, I'd be no end obliged. Because, you see, I promised Lady
RHODA to come and finish a talk we were having, and they've taken away
my own things to brush, so I haven't a rag to go down in except these,
and they'd all think it so rude if I went to bed now!
_Und. (impatiently)._ I tell you you may keep them, if you'll only go
away!
_Spurr._ But where am I to send the things to when I've done with 'em?
_Und._ What do I----Stay, here's my card. Send them to that address. Now
go and finish your evening!
_Spurr. (gratefully)._ You _are_ a rattling good chap, and no mistake!
Though I'm hanged if I can quite make out what you're doing here, you
know!
_Und._ It's not at all necessary that you _should_ know. I am leaving
immediately, and--and I don't wish Sir RUPERT or Lady CULVERIN to hear
of this--you understand?
_Spurr._ Well, it's no business of mine; you've behaved devilish well to
me, and I'm not surprised that you'd rather not be seen in the state
you're in. I shouldn't like it myself!
_Und._ State? _What_ state?
_Spurr._ Ah, I _wondered_ whether you knew. You'll see what I mean when
you've had a look at yourself in the glass. I daresay it'll come off
right enough. I can't stop. Ta, ta, old fellow, and thanks awfully!
[_He goes out._
_Und. (alone)._ What does he mean? But I've no time to waste. Where have
they put my portmanteau? I can't give up _everything_. (_He hunts round
the room, and eventually discovers a door leading into a small
dressing-room._) Ah, it's in there. I'll get it out, and put my things
in. (_As he rushes back, he suddenly comes face to face with his own
reflection in a cheval glass._) Wh--who's that? Can this--this piebald
horror possibly be--_me_? How----? Ah, it was _ink_ in that infernal
basket--not water! And my hair's full of flour! I _can't_ go into a
hotel like this, they'd think I was an escaped lunatic! (_He flies to a
wash-hand stand, and scrubs and sluices desperately, after which he
inspects the result in the mirror._) It's not _nearly_ off yet! Will
_anything_ get rid of this streakiness? (_He soaps and scrubs once
more._) And the flour's caked in my hair now! I must brush it all out
before I am fit to be seen. (_He gradually, after infinite toil,
succeeds in making himself slightly more presentable._) Is the carriage
waiting for me all this time? (_He pitches things into his portmanteau
in a frantic flurry._) What's that? Some one's coming!
[_He listens._
_Tredwell (outside)._ It's my conviction you've been telling me a pack
o' lies, you young rascal. For what hearthly business that feller
UNDERSHELL could 'ave in the Verney---- However, _I_'ll soon see how it
is. (_He knocks._) Is anyone in 'ere?
_Und. (to himself, distractedly)._ He mustn't find me here! Yet,
where---- Ah, it's the only place!
[_He blows out the candles, and darts into the dressing-room
as_ TREDWELL _enters_.
_Tred._ The boy's right. He _is_ in here; them candles is smouldering
still. (_He relights one, and looks under the bed._) You'd better come
out o' that, UNDERSHELL, and give an account of yourself--do you 'ear
me?... He ain't under there! (_He tries the dressing-room door;_
UNDERSHELL _holds his breath, and clings desperately to the handle._)
Very well, Sir, I know you're _there_, and I've no time to trouble with
you at present, so you may as well stay where you are till you're
wanted. I've 'eard o' your goings-on from Mr. ADAMS, and I shall 'ave to
fetch Sir RUPERT up to 'ave a talk with you by-and-by.
[_He turns the key upon him, and goes._
_Und. (to himself, overwhelmed, as the Butler's step is heard
retreating)._ And I came down here to assert the dignity of Literature!
[Illustration: "He suddenly comes face to face with his own
reflection."]
* * * * *