_Emily Heedless._ By either Miss VESTA TILLEY or Mrs. BERNARD BEERE.
_Peter Paragon._ Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON or Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS (only he
mustn't sing "_The Good Young Man who Died_").
_First and Second Bridesmaids._ Miss MAUDE MILLETT and Miss ANNIE
HUGHES.
SCENE.--EMILY'S _Boudoir, sumptuously furnished with a
screen and sofa,_ C. _Door,_ R., _leading to_ EMILY'S
_Bed-chamber. Door,_ L. EMILY _discovered in loose
wrapper, and reclining in uncomfortable position on
sofa._
_Emily_ (_dreamily_). This day do I become the envied bride of PETER,
justly surnamed PARAGON; and much I wonder what in me he found (he, who
Perfection so personifies) that he could condescend an eye to cast on
faulty, feather-headed EMILY! How solemn is the stillness all around me!
(_A loud bang is heard behind screen._) Methought I heard the dropping
of a pin!--perhaps I should arise and search for it.... Yet why, on
second thoughts, disturb myself, since I am, by my settlements, to have
a handsome sum allowed for pin-money? Nay, since thou claim'st thy
freedom, little pin, I lack the heart to keep thee prisoner. Go, then,
and join the great majority of fallen, vagrant, unregarded pinhood--my
bliss is too supreme at such an hour to heed such infidelities as thine.
[_Falls into a happy reverie._
_Enter_ First and Second Bridesmaids.
_First and Second Bridesmaids._ What, how now, EMILY--not yet attired?
Nay, haste, for PETER will be here anon!
[_They hurry her off by_ R. _door, just as_ PETER
PARAGON _enters_ L. _in bridal array. N.B.--The
exigences of the Drama are responsible for his making
his appearance here, instead of waiting, as is more
usual, at the church._
_Peter_ (_meditatively_). The golden sands of my celibacy are running
low--soon falls the final grain! Yet, even now, the glass I would not
turn. My EMILY is not without her faults--"_was_ not without them," I
should rather say, for during ten idyllic years of courtship, by precept
and example I have striven to mould her to a helpmate fit for me. Now,
thank the Gods, my labours are complete--she stands redeemed from all
her giddiness! (_Here he steps upon the pin, and utters an
exclamation_). Ha! what is this? I'm wounded ... agony! With what a
darting pain my foot's transfixed! I'll summon help (_with calm
courage_)--yet, stay, I would not dim this nuptial day by any sombre
cloud. I'll bear this stroke alone--and now to probe the full extent of
my calamity. (_Seats himself on sofa in such a position as to be
concealed by the screen from all but the audience, and proceeds to
remove his boot._) Ye powers of Perfidy, it is a pin! I must know more
of this--for it is meet such criminal neglect should be exposed. Severe
shall be that house-maid's punishment who's proved to be responsible for
this!--but soft, I hear a step.
[_Enter_ First _and_ Second Bridesmaids, _who hunt
diligently upon the carpet without observing_ PETER's
_presence._
_Emily's Voice_ (_within_). Oh, search, I pray you. It _must_ be
there--my own ears heard it fall!
[PETER _betrays growing uneasiness._
_The Bridesmaids._ Indeed, we fail to see it anywhere!
_Emily_ (_entering distractedly in bridal costume, with a large rent in
her train_). You have no eyes, I tell you, let me help. It must be
found, or I am all undone! In vain my cushion I have cut in two--'twas
void of all but stuffing.... Gracious Heavens, to think that all my
future bliss depends on the evasive malice of a pin!
[PETER _behind screen, starts violently._
_Peter_ (_aside_). A pin! what dire misgivings wring my heart! (_Hops
forward with a cold dignity, holding one foot in his hand._) You seem in
some excitement, EMILY?
_Emily_ (_wildly_). _You_, PETER!... tell me--have you found a pin?
_Peter_ (_with deadly calm_). Unhappy girl--I _have_! (_To_
Bridesmaids.) Withdraw awhile, and when we need you, we will summon you.
(_Exeunt_ Bridesmaids; EMILY _and_ PETER _stand facing each other for
some moments in dead silence._) The pin is found--for I have trodden on
it, and may, for aught I know, be lamed for life. Speak, EMILY, what is
that maid's desert whose carelessness has led to this mishap?
_Emily_ (_in the desperate hope of shielding herself_). Why, should the
fault be traced to any maid, instant dismissal shall be her reward, with
a month's wages paid in lieu of notice!
_Peter_ (_with a passionless severity_). From your own lips I judge you,
EMILY. Did they not own just now that you had heard the falling of a
pin--yet heeded not? Behold the outcome of your negligence!
[_Extends his injured foot._
_Emily._ Oh, let me kiss the place and make it well!
_Peter_ (_coldly withdrawing foot_). Keep your caresses till I ask for
them. My wound goes deeper than you wot of yet, and by that disregarded
pin is pricked the iridescent bubble of Illusion!
_Emily_ (_slowly_). Indeed, I do not wholly comprehend.
_Peter._ Have patience and I will be plainer yet. Mine is a complex
nature, EMILY; magnanimous, but still methodical. An injury I freely can
forgive, forget it--(_striking his chest_)--never! She who leaves about
pins on the floor to pierce a lover's foot, will surely plant a thorn
within the side of him whose fate it is to be her husband!
_Emily_ (_dragging herself towards him on her knees_). Have pity on me,
PETER; I was mad!
_Peter_ (_with emotion_). How can I choose but pity thee, poor soul,
who, for the sake of temporary ease, hast forfeited the bliss that had
been thine! You could not stoop to pick a pin up. Why? Because,
forsooth, 'twas but a paltry pin! Yet, duly husbanded, that self-same
pin had served you to secure your gaping train, your self-respect--and
Me.
_Emily_ (_wailing_). What have I done?
_Peter._ I will not now reproach you, EMILY, nor would I dwell upon my
wounded sole, the pain of which increases momently. I part from you in
friendship, and in proof, that fated instrument I leave with you
(_presenting her with the pin, which she accepts mechanically_) which
the frail link between us twain has severed. I can dispense with it, for
in my cuff (_shows her his coat-cuff, in which a row of pins'-heads is
perceptible_) I carry others 'gainst a time of need. My poor success in
life I trace to this--that never yet I passed a pin unheeded.
_Emily._ And is that all you have to say to me?
_Peter._ I think so--save that I shall wish you well, and pray that
henceforth you may bear in mind what vast importance lies in seeming
trifles.
_Emily_ (_with a pale smile_). PETER, your lesson is already learned,
for precious has this pin become for me, since by its aid I gain
oblivion--thus!
[_Stabs herself._
_Peter_ (_coldly_). Nay, these are histrionics, EMILY.
[_Assists her to sofa._
_Emily._ I'd skill enough to find a vital spot. Do not withdraw it
yet--my time is short, and I have much to say before I die. (_Faintly._)
Be gentle with my rabbits when I'm gone; give my canary chickweed
now and then.... I think there is no more--ah, one last
word--(_warmly_)--warn them they must not cut our wedding-cake, and then
the pastrycook may take it back!
_Peter_ (_deeply moved_). Would you had shown this thoughtfulness
before!
[_Kneels by the sofa._
_Emily._ 'Tis now too late, and clearly do I see that I was never worthy
of you, PETER.
_Peter_ (_gently_). 'Tis not for me to contradict you now. You did your
best to be so, EMILY!
_Emily._ A blessing on you for those generous words! Now tell me, PETER,
how is your poor foot?
_Peter._ The agony decidedly abates, and I can bear a boot again.
_Emily._ Then I die happy!... Kiss me, PETER ... ah!
[_Dies._
_Peter._ In peace she passed away. I'm glad of that, although that peace
was purchased by a lie. I shall not bear a boot for many days! Thus ends
our wedding morn, and she, poor child, has paid the penalty of
heedlessness!
[_Curtain falls, whereupon, unless Mr. Punch is greatly
mistaken, there will not be a dry eye in the house._
* * * * *
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