MR. O’LEARY’S FIRST LOVE.
“It was during the vice-royalty of the late Duke of Richmond that the
incidents I am about to mention took place. That was a few years since,
and I was rather younger, and a little more particular about my dress
than at present.” Here the little man cast an eye of stoical
satisfaction upon his uncouth habiliments, that nearly made us forget
our compact, and laugh outright. “Well, in those wild and headstrong
days of youthful ardour, I fell in love—desperately in love—and as
always is, I believe, the case with our early experiments in that
unfortunate passion, the object of my affection was in every way
unsuited to me. She was a tall, dark-haired, dark-eyed maiden, with a
romantic imagination, and a kind of a half-crazed poetic fervour, that
often made me fear for her intellect. I’m a short, rather fat—I was
always given this way”—here he patted a waistcoat that would fit Dame
Lambert—“happy-minded little fellow, that liked my supper of oysters at
the Pigeon-house, and my other creature-comforts, and hated every thing
that excited or put one out of one’s way, just as I would have hated a
blister. Then, the devil would have it—for as certainly as marriages
are made in heaven, flirtations have something to say to the other
place—that I should fall most irretrievably in love with Lady Agnes
Moreton. Bless my soul, it absolutely puts me in a perspiration this
hot day, just to think over all I went through on her account; for,
strange to say, the more I appeared to prosper in her good graces, the
more did she exact on my part; the pursuit was like Jacob’s ladder—if
it did lead to heaven it was certainly an awfully long journey, and
very hard on one’s legs. There was not an amusement she could think of,
no matter how unsuited to my tastes or my abilities, that she did not
immediately take a violent fancy to; and then there was no escaping,
and I was at once obliged to go with the tide, and heaven knows if it
would not have carried me to my grave if it were not for the fortunate
(I now call it) accident that broke off the affair for ever. One time
she took a fancy for yachting, and all the danglers about her—and she
always had a cordon of them—young aides-de-camp of her father the
general, and idle hussars, in clanking sabertasches and most absurd
mustachios—all approved of the taste, and so kept filling her mind with
anecdotes of corsairs and smugglers, that at last nothing would satisfy
her till I—I who always would rather have waited for low water, and
waded the Liffey in all its black mud, than cross over in the
ferry-boat, for fear of sickness—I was obliged to put an advertisement
in the newspaper for a pleasure-boat, and, before three weeks, saw
myself owner of a clinker-built schooner, of forty-eight tons, that by
some mockery of fortune was called ‘The Delight.’ I wish you saw me, as
you might have done every morning for about a month, as I stood on the
Custom-house quay, giving orders for the outfit of the little craft. At
first, as she bobbed and pitched with the flood-tide, I used to be a
little giddy and rather qualmish, but at last I learned to look on
without my head reeling. I began to fancy myself very much of a sailor,
a delusion considerably encouraged by a huge P. jacket and a
sou’-wester, both of which, though it was in the dog-days, Agnes
insisted upon my wearing, saying I looked more like Dirk Hatteraick,
who, I understood, was one of her favourite heroes in Walter Scott. In
fact, after she suggested this, she and all her friends called me
nothing but Dirk.
“Well, at last, after heaven knows how many excuses on my part, and
entreaties for delay, a day was appointed for our first excursion. I
shall never forget that day—the entire night before it I did not close
my eyes; the skipper had told me in his confounded sea-jargon, that if
the wind was in one quarter we should have a short tossing sea; and if
in another a long rolling swell; and if in a third, a happy union of
both—in fact, he made it out that it could not possibly blow right, an
opinion I most heartily coincided in, and most devoutly did I pray for
a calm, that would not permit of our stirring from our moorings, and
thus mar our projected party of pleasure. My prayer was unheard, but my
hopes rose on the other hand, for it blew tremendously during the
entire night, and although there was a lull towards morning, the sea,
even in the river, was considerable.
“I had just come to the conclusion that I was safe for this time, when
the steward poked his head into the room and said,
“‘Mr. Brail wishes to know, sir, if he’ll bend the new mainsail to-day,
as it’s blowing rather fresh, and he thinks the spars light.’
“‘Why the devil take him, he would not have us go out in a hurricane;
surely, Pipes, we could not take out ladies to-day?’
“‘O, bless your heart, yes, sir; it blows a bit to be sure, but she’s a
good sea-boat, and we can run for Arklow or the Hook, if it comes
fresher.’
“‘Oh, nonsense, there’s no pleasure in that; besides I’m sure they
won’t like it—the ladies won’t venture, you’ll see.’
“‘Ay sir, but they’re all on board already: there’s eight ladies in the
cabin, and six on deck, and as many hampers of victuals and as much
crockery as if we were a-goin’ to Madeira. Captain Grantham, sir, the
soldier officer, with the big beard, is a mixing punch in the
grog-tub.’
“‘From the consequences of this day I proclaim myself innocent,’ said I
with a solemn voice, as I drew on my duck trowsers, and prepared to set
out.
“‘And the mainsail, sir,’ said the steward, not understanding what I
said.
“‘I care not which,’ said I, doggedly; ‘act or part in this wilful
proceeding I’ll not take.’
“‘Ay, ay, sir,’ said the stupid wretch, ‘then I’ll say you’re coming,
and he may stretch the large canvas; for the skipper says he likes a
wet jacket when he has gentlemen out.’
“Never did a victim put on a flame-coloured garment, the emblem of
fate, and set out on the march of death, with a heavier heart, than did
I put on my pilot-coat that morning to join my friends.
“My last hope deserted me as I saw the little vessel lying beside the
quay; for I continued to trust that in getting out from the dock some
accident or mischance might occur to spoil our sport. But no; there she
lay, rolling and pitching in such a way that, even at anchor, they
could not stand on the deck without holding. Amid the torrent of
compliments for the perfection of all my arrangements, and innumerable
sweet things on my taste in the decoration and fitting up of my cabin,
I scarcely felt myself afloat for some minutes, and we got under weigh
amid a noise and uproar that absolutely prevented the possibility of
thought.
“Hitherto our destination had not been mentioned, and as all the party
appealed to Lady Agnes, I could not be less gallant, and joined them in
their request.
“‘Well then, what do you think of Lambay?’ said she, looking at the
same moment towards the skipper.
“‘We can make it, my lady,’ said the man, ‘but we’ll have a roughish
sea of it, for there’s a strong point of westward in the wind.’
“‘Then don’t think of it,’ said I. ‘We have come out for pleasure, not
to make our friends sick, or terrify them. It does very well for us
men.’
“‘There you are, Dirk, with your insolent sneers about women’s nerves
and female cowardice. Now, nothing but Lambay will content me—what say
you, ladies?’
“A general reply of approval met this speech, and it was carried by
acclamation.
“‘Lambay then be it,’ said I, with the voice of a man, who, entreating
to be shot, is informed that he cannot be afforded that pleasure, as
his sentence is to be hanged. But I must hasten over these painful
recollections. We dropped down the river, and soon left the light-house
and its long pier behind us, the mast bending like a whip, and the sea
boiling like barm over the lee gunwale. Still the spirit of our party
only rose the lighter, and nothing but eulogies upon the men and
sailing of the craft resounded on all sides; the din and buz of the
conversation went on only more loudly and less restrictedly than if the
party had been on shore, and all, even myself, seemed happy, for up to
this moment I had not been sea-sick, yet certain pleasant sensations,
that alternately evinced themselves in my stomach and my head, warned
me of what was in store for me. The word was now given to tack; I was
in the act of essaying a soft speech to Lady Agnes, when the confounded
cry of ‘ready about, starboard there, let go sheets and tacks, stand
by, hawl.’ The vessel plunged head-foremost into the boiling sea, which
hissed on either bow; the heavy boom swung over, carrying my hat along
with it—and almost my head too. The rest of the party, possibly better
informed than myself, speedily changed their places to the opposite
side of the boat, while I remained holding off fast by the gunwale,
till the sea rushing over, what was now becoming the lee-side, carried
me head over heels into the shingle ballast in the waist. Lord, how
they did laugh! Agnes, too, who never before could get beyond a very
faint smile, grew almost hysterical at my performance. As for me, I
only wanted this to complete my long threatened misfortune; sea
sickness in all its most miserable forms, set in upon me, and, ere half
an hour, I lay upon that heap of small stones, as indifferent to all
round and about me as though I were dead. Oh, the long, dreary hours of
that melancholy day; it seemed like a year. They tacked and tacked,
they were beat and tacked again, the sea washing over me, and the
ruffianly sailors trampling upon me without the slightest remorse,
whenever they had any occasion to pass back or forward. From my long
trance of suffering I was partly roused by the steward shaking my
shoulder, saying,
“‘The gentlemen wish to know, sir, if you’d like summat to eat, as
they’re a goin’ to have a morsel; we are getting into slack water now.’
“‘Where are we?’ I replied, in a sepulchral voice.
“‘Off the Hook, sir; we have had a most splendid run, but I fear we’ll
catch it soon; there’s some dirty weather to the westward.’
“‘God grant it,’ said I, piously and in a low tone.
“‘Did you say you’d have a bit to eat. Sir?’
“‘No!—eat!—am I a cannibal?—eat—go away—mark me, my good fellow, I’ll
pay you your wages, if ever we get ashore; you’ll never set another
foot aboard with me.’
“The man looked perfectly astounded as he moved away, and my thoughts
were soon engrossed by the proceedings near me. The rattle of knives,
and the jingling of plates and glasses went on very briskly for some
time, accompanied by various pleasant observations of my guests, for
such I judged them, from the mirth which ever followed them. At last I
thought I heard my name, or at least what they pleased to use as its
substitute, mentioned; I strained my ears to listen, and learnt that
they were planning to talk over the pretended intention to run for
Cowes, and see the regatta. This they discussed then, for about twenty
minutes, in a very loud voice, purposely to see its effects upon me;
but as I was now aware of the trick, I gave no sign of any
intelligence.
“‘Poor Dirk,’ said Grantham; ‘I believe by this time he cares very
little which way her head lies; but here comes something better than
all our discussions. Lady Agnes, sit here—Miss Pelham, here’s a dry
cushion for you—did you say a wing, Lady Mary?’
“Now began the crash and clatter of dinner; champagne corks popping,
glasses ringing, and all that peculiar admixture of fracas and fun,
which accompanies a scrambled meal. How they did laugh, and eat, ay,
and drink too. G’s punch seemed to have its success, for sick as I was,
I could perceive the voices of the men grow gradually louder, and
discovered that two gentlemen who had been remarkably timid in the
morning, and scarcely opened their lips, were now rather uproariously
given, and one even proposed to sing.
“If any man, thought I, were to look for an instant at the little scene
now enacting here, what a moral might he reap from it; talk of the base
ingratitude of the world, you cannot say too much of it. Who would
suppose that it was my boat these people were assembled in; that it was
my champagne these people were drinking; that my venison and my
pheasants were feeding those lips, which rarely spoke, except to raise
a jest at my expense. My chagrin increased my sickness and my sickness
redoubled my chagrin.
“‘Mr. Brail,’ said I, in a low whisper, ‘Mr. Brail.’
“‘Did you speak, sir?’ said he, with about as much surprise in his
manner, as though he had been addressed by a corpse.
“‘Mr. Brail,’ said I, ‘is there any danger here?’
“‘Lord love you, no, sir, she’s walking Spanish, and the sea going
down; we shall have lovely weather, and they’re all enjoying it,
sir,—the ladies.’
“‘So I perceive,’ said I, with a groan; ‘so I perceive; but Mr. Brail,
could you do nothing—just to—to startle them a little, I mean for fun
only? Just ship a heavy sea or two, I don’t care for a little damage,
Mr. Brail, and if it were to wash over the dinner-service, and all the
wine, I should not like it worse.’
“‘Why, sir, you are getting quite funny, the sickness is going.’
“‘No, Mr. Brail, worse than ever; my head is in two pieces, and my
stomach in the back of my mouth; but I should like you to do this—so
just manage it, will you, and there’s twenty pounds in my pocket-book,
you can have it; there now, won’t you oblige me, and hark ye, Mr.
Brail—if Captain Grantham were to be washed over by mere accident it
cannot be helped; accidents are always occurring in boating parties. Go
now, you know what I mean.’
“‘But sir,’ began he.
“‘Well, then, Mr. Brail, you won’t—very well: now all I have to say is
this: that the moment I can find strength to do it, I’ll stave out a
plank; I’ll scuttle the vessel, that’s all; I have made up my mind, and
look to yourselves now.’
“Saying these words, I again threw myself upon the ballast, and, as the
gay chorus of a drinking song was wafted across me, prayed devoutly
that we might all go down to the bottom. The song over, I heard a
harsh, gruff voice mixing with the more civilized tones of the party,
and soon perceived that Mr. Brail was recounting my proposal amid the
most uproarious shouts of laughter I ever listened to. Then followed a
number of pleasant suggestions for my future management; one proposing
to have me tried for mutiny, and sentenced to a ducking over the side,
another that I should be tarred on my back, to which latter most humane
notion, the fair Agnes subscribed, averring that she was resolved upon
my deserving my sobriquet of Dirk Hatteraick. My wrath was now the
master even of deadly sickness. I got upon my knees, and having in vain
tried to reach my legs, I struggled aft. In this posture did I reach
the quarter-deck. What my intention precisely was in this excursion, I
have no notion of now, but I have some very vague idea, that I meant to
re-enact the curse of Kehama upon the whole party. At last I mustered
strength to rise; but alas! I had scarcely reached the standing
position, when a tremendous heel of the boat to one side, threw me in
the gunwale, and before I was able to recover my balance, a second
lurch pitched me headlong into the sea. I have, thank God, no further
recollection of my misfortunes. When I again became conscious, I found
myself wrapped up in a pilot-coat, while my clothes were drying: the
vessel was at anchor in Wexford. My attached friends had started for
town with post-horses, leaving me no less cured of love than aquatics.
“‘The Delight’ passed over in a few days, to some more favoured son of
Neptune, and I hid my shame and my misfortunes by a year’s tour on the
continent.”
“Although I acknowledge,” said Trevanion, “that hitherto I have reaped
no aid from Mr. O’Leary’s narrative, yet I think it is not without a
moral.”
“Well, but,” said I, “he has got another adventure to tell us; we have
quite time for it, so pray pass the wine and let us have it.”
“I have just finished the burgundy,” said O’Leary, “and if you will
ring for another flask, I have no objection to let you hear the story
of my second love.”