CHELTENHAM—MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE—SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND.
[Illustration: Lorrequer Making His Escape From Col. Kamworth’s]
It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of
the Old Plough in Cheltenham, “Lucullus c. Lucullo”—no companion save
my half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner
of the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the
incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have
still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless
labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and
ill-lighted room—the close-curtained boxes—the unsocial look of every
thing and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the
verge of becoming excessively sentimental—the unbroken silence, where
several people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt
oppressed and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel
ticked sharply on—the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his
chair, and now snored louder—the gentleman who read the Times had got
the Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements.
The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, sat
still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the
silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across
the table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little,
shrivelled man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel
slippers on his feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping
at his table to sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate
potation for two hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few
and apparently trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our
greatest and most important movements induced—had the near wheeler of
the Umpire been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I
might—but let me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me,
momentarily increased. But three months before, and my prospects
presented every thing that was fairest and brightest—now all the future
was dark and dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at
my fortune—now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an
enemy. It was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it,
were not these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose
the very penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was—and so I
have always felt it since, when reflecting on it—that although much and
warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I
must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring
idea of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say—what will
they think at head-quarters?—the raillery, the jesting, the
half-concealed allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all
awaited me, as each of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards
me, was, after all, the most difficult thing to be borne, and I
absolutely dreaded to join my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever
schoolboy to return to his labour on the expiration of his holidays. I
had framed to myself all manner of ways of avoiding this dread event;
sometimes I meditated an exchange into an African corps—sometimes to
leave the army altogether. However, I turned the affair over in my
mind—innumerable difficulties presented themselves, and I was at last
reduced to that stand-still point, in which, after continual
vacillation, one only waits for the slightest impulse of persuasion
from another, to adopt any, no matter what suggestion. In this enviable
frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, and watching the clock for that
hour at which, with a safe conscience, I might retire to my bed, when
the waiter roused me by demanding if my name was Mr. Lorrequer, for
that a gentleman having seen my card in the bar, had been making
inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel.
“Yes,” said I, “such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one
here, that I can remember.”
“The gentleman has only arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir,
and here he is.”
At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a
very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and
unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly
countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the —th dragoons, with whom I
had served in the Peninsula.
Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a
bold speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was
quite sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest,
and what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic—that he was perfectly
famished, and desired a hot supper, “de suite.”
Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller’s appetite,
proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows:
There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not
absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a
long career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with
the moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in
addition, a son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler,
he had long since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he
had avowed his intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was
beautiful as an angel—highly accomplished—gifted—agreeable—and all
that, Jack, who had never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was
also bent resolutely on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose
claims were principally the want of money, he was quite ready to swear
to; and, in fact, so assured did he feel that “the whole affair was
feasible,” (I use his own expression,) that he had managed a two
months’ leave, and was come down express to see, make love to, and
carry her off at once.
“But,” said I, with difficulty interrupting him, “how long have you
known her father?”
“Known him? I never saw him.”
“Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his
acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a “particeps criminis” in the
elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid
out of his own money?”
“Now, Harry, you’ve touched upon the point in which, you must confess,
my genius always stood unrivalled—acknowledge, if you are not dead to
gratitude—acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed
in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of
your humble servant—avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be
purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly
kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the
retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the
halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged
in devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in
jack-boots the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks.”
“True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair,
time considered, does appear rather difficult.”
“And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I
put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred
thousand pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the
scheme, has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction.”
“Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!”
“The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen
you, and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a
new mode of opening the trenches.”
“Why, I don’t see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of
light upon the affair.”
“There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and
I’ll explain. I’ll first discover the locale of this worthy
colonel—‘Hydrabad Cottage’ he calls it; good, eh?—then I shall proceed
to make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken
dangerously ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or
be thrown from my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull;
I don’t much care which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman
is the most kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he’ll admit me at
once; his daughter will tend my sick couch—nurse—read to me; glorious
fun, Harry. I’ll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be
decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel’s hospitality so
freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa’s consent. You
see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding.”
“I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way
so clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an
‘open question,’ as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for
an opinion.”
“Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I
have not come to that.”
“Mine,” said I, in amazement; “why how can I possibly have any
character assigned to me in the drama?”
“I’ll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the
capacity of my valet.”
“Your what?” said I, horror-struck at his impudence.
“Come, no nonsense, Harry, you’ll have a glorious time of it—shall
choose as becoming a livery as you like—and you’ll have the whole
female world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an
opportunity vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every
possible shape and form, and represent me as the finest and most
liberal fellow in the world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to
get rid of it.”
The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an
office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued
to expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At
last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar
arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by
retorting Jack’s proposition.
“Come,” said I, “I agree, with one only difference—I’ll be the master
and you the man on this occasion.”
To my utter confusion, and without a second’s consideration, Waller
grasped my hand, and cried, “done.” Of course I laughed heartily at the
utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his
prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the
most remote degree the commission of such extravagance.
Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, “pris la parole,”
touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the
Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;)
he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and
obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from
mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my
lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady
Jane’s perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a
marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the
jesting of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the
service, wherever the story reached.
The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly
chronicled in these Confessions—the openness to be led whither any one
might take the trouble to conduct me—the easy indifference to assume
any character which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or
design, assisted by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me
first to listen—then to attend to—soon after to suggest—and finally,
absolutely to concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other
moment, I must have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck
two, I had just affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so
much of method in his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the
morning, he had committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of
Jack’s legal talents I copy from the original document now in my
posession.
“The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o’clock—be the
same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty’s —th
regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly called
Jack Waller, of the —th light dragoons on the other; hereby promise and
agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to the following
conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the aforesaid Jack
Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the aforementioned Harry
Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four weeks; conducting himself
in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as his, the aforesaid
Lorrequer’s own man, skip, valet, or saucepan—duly praising, puffing,
and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in every way facilitating his
success to the hand and fortune of—”
“Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?” said Jack.
“I think not; we’ll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing.”
“—at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the aforesaid
Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the sum of ten
thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a faithful discharge in
writing for his services, as may be. If, on the other hand, and which
heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer fail in obtaining the hand of
——, that he will evacuate the territory within twelve hours, and
repairing to a convenient spot selected by the aforesaid Waller, then
and there duly invest himself with a livery chosen by the aforesaid
Waller—”
“You know, each man uses his choice in this particular,” said Jack.
“—and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid
Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, the
like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to maintain
the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn pledge, to divest
himself of every right appertaining to his former condition, for the
space of time there mentioned.”
We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its
perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we
parted and retired for the night.
The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller
standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and
all the world.
“Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously,” said he. “I only remembered
on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in
our old colonel’s character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere
picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a
most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind,
and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the
seven years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a
siege he did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party
where he did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in
the service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton,
down to the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he
has not fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when
one considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited;
but yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as
you’ll say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty
messenger to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a
Mr. Lorrequer—ay, Harry, all above board—there is nothing like it—‘as
Mr. Lorrequer, of the —th, was collecting for publication, such
materials as might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements
of British officers, who have, at any time, been in command—he most
respectfully requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose
distinguished services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth
the unqualified approval of his majesty’s government. Mr. Lorrequer’s
stay is necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to
visit Lord Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a
meeting as may suit Colonel K.’s convenience.’ What think you now? Is
this a master-stroke or not?”
“Why, certainly, we are in for it now,” said I, drawing a deep sigh.
“But Jack, what is all this? Why, you’re in livery already.”
I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very
decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a
very knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury.
“You like it, don’t you? Well, I should have preferred something a
little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of
course, gave way, and after all, I believe you’re right, it certainly
is neat.”
“Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of
it.”
“Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and
the height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders
tolerably close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I
am your most obedient servant for four weeks—see that you make the most
of it.”
While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me,
which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It
ran thus—
“Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of Mr.
Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can afford
him the few days his stay in this part of the country will permit, by
spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to Colonel
Kamworth’s services in the four quarters of the globe, he need not say,
is entirely at Mr. L.’s disposal.
“Colonel K. dines at six precisely.”
When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air,
and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out—
“The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten
thousand: she is your own this minute.”
Without participating entirely in Waller’s exceeding delight, I could
not help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to
perform, and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I
should have been able to command.
That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I
sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite
a very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue
of white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the
decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves;
there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of
any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured
the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the
hearth, which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting
look of comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all
excellent; and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant,
and I never tasted better Madeira.
“And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I
took the Rajah prisoner?”
“Yes,” said I; “the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the
very last time I dined at Government-House.”
“Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of
rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would
permit him to escape—but no—I refused flatly.”
“Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?—sent them,
of course—.”
“No, that I didn’t; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No,
no; I have them this moment in good government security.
“I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself
another glass, and I’ll describe it all to you, for it will be of
infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public
eye—they really are quite ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius,
and there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is
the first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards
the south-west angle, and here, the wine glass—this is me. Well, it was
a little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in
command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space
before Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort,
and with four pieces of field artillery—these walnuts here—to be ready
to open my fire at a moment’s warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my
dear sir, you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking
Madeira. As I said before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or
if necessary protect the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the
trench. Just at the same time the besieged were making preparations for
a sortie to occupy this dish of almonds and raisins—the high ground to
the left of my position—put another log on the fire, if you please,
sir, for I cannot see myself—I thought I was up near the figs, and I
find myself down near the half moon.”
“It is past nine,” said a servant entering the room; “shall I take the
carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?” This being the first time the name of
the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious
to hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be
gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the
interruption, dismissed the servant by saying—
“What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don’t you see I
am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your
pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and
besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact,
my dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again.”
With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the
“materiel” of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly
thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi
toilette, sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring,
that a stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman’s
arms, with a degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any
third and unoccupied party to witness.
“Mary, my dear,” said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort
Cornelius at once, “you don’t perceive I have a gentleman to introduce
to you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth,” here the young lady
courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed
places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the
preceding four or five days at a friend’s in the neighbourhood; and had
preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own
carriage.
My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four
weeks’ sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and
uninteresting details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that
without falling in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously
disposed thereto; she was extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to
swear by, the most silvery toned voice I almost ever heard, and a
certain witchery and archness of manner that by its very tantalizing
uncertainty continually provoked attention, and by suggesting a
difficulty in the road to success, imparted a more than common zest in
the pursuit. She was little, a very little blue, rather a dabbler in
the “ologies,” than a real disciple. Yet she made collections of
minerals, and brown beetles, and cryptogamias, and various other
homeopathic doses of the creation, infinitessimally small in their
subdivision; in none of which I felt any interest, save in the excuse
they gave for accompanying her in her pony-phaeton. This was, however,
a rare pleasure, for every morning for at least three or four hours I
was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, engaged in the compilation of
that narrative of his “res gestae,” which was to eclipse the career of
Napoleon and leave Wellington’s laurels but a very faded lustre in
comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I pass the greater part of
my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity of the most prolix of
colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the propinquity of relationship
which awaited us, almost regretting that he was not blown up in any of
the numerous explosions his memoir abounded with. I may here mention,
that while my literary labour was thus progressing, the young lady
continued her avocations as before—not indeed with me for her
companion—but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, “having remarked the
steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple in sending him out
to drive Miss Kamworth,” particularly as I gave him a most excellent
character for every virtue under heaven.
I must hasten on.—The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a
close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only
waited for Waller’s return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for
my letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my
ridiculous bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the
library fire, the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and
hair-breadth ‘scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something,
which every evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance,
was rather in better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner
was nervous and uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence
of mind, that her thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of
Java as her worthy father believed them. Without laying any stress upon
the circumstance, I must yet avow that Waller’s not having returned
from Cheltenham gave me some uneasiness, and I more than once had
recourse to the bell to demand if “my servant had come back yet?” At
each of these times I well remember the peculiar expression of Mary’s
look, the half embarrassment, half drollery, with which she listened to
the question, and heard the answer in the negative. Supper at length
made its appearance; and I asked the servant who waited, “if my man had
brought me any letters,” varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and
again, I heard he had not returned. Resolving now to propose in all
form for Miss Kamworth the next morning, and by referring the colonel
to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, as far as I could, all difficulties, I
wished them good night and retired; not, however, before the colonel
had warned me that they were to have an excursion to some place in the
neighbourhood the next day; and begging that I might be in the
breakfast-room at nine, as they were to assemble there from all parts,
and start early on the expedition. I was in a sound sleep the following
morning, when a gentle tap at the door awoke me; at the same time I
recognised the voice of the colonel’s servant, saying, “Mr. Lorrequer,
breakfast is waiting, sir.”
I sprung up at once, and replying, “Very well, I shall come down,”
proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern
a vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I
possessed only the day before—even my portmanteau had disappeared.
After a most diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of
the room, a small bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I
perceived a new suit of livery of the most gaudy and showy description
and lace; of which colour was also the coat, which had a standing
collar and huge cuffs, deeply ornamented with worked button holes and
large buttons. As I turned the things over, without even a guess of
what they could mean, for I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a
small slip of paper fastened to the coat sleeve, upon which, in
Waller’s hand-writing, the following few words were written:
“The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how
you’ll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the tilbury
into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your kind master,
“John Waller.”
The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I
should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet
what was to be done? I rung the bell violently; “Where are my clothes,
Thomas?”
“Don’t know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them.”
“There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?” Thomas
disappeared, and speedily returned to say, “that my clothes could not
be found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to
come down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still
waiting, and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate
toilette, as they were going on a country excursion.” An elaborate
toilette! I wish to heaven she saw my costume; no, I’ll never do it.
“Thomas, you must tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel
very ill; I am not able to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks—very
violent attacks in my head, and must always be left quiet and
alone—perfectly alone—mind me, Thomas—for a day at least.” Thomas
departed; and as I lay distracted in my bed, I heard, from the
breakfast room, the loud laughter of many persons evidently enjoying
some excellent joke; could it be me they were laughing at; the thought
was horrible.
“Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you’d like the doctor, sir,” said
Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he
again appeared at the door.
“No, certainly not,” said I, in a voice of thunder; “what the devil are
you grinning at?”
“You may as well come, my man; you’re found out; they all know it now,”
said the fellow with an odious grin.
I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my
strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs
chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of
mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only
one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down
stairs I resolved to go at once—but how; a blanket I thought would not
be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at
least get as far as Colonel Kamworth’s dressing-room, and explain to
him the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was
almost sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No;
that would never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful,
shocking as it was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and
as much indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most
scurvy trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest,
and last the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty
times more absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off
with his table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper
gallery.
If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and
bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with
something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my
bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and
so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost
abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for
vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the
strange quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of
any characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its
contrivance. I don’t think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and
dyspepsia could survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung
open my door, hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first
person I met was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated
from the plough, and destined after a dozen years’ training as a
servant, again to be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he
grinned horribly for a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper
said—
“Maester, I advise ye run for it; they’re a waiting for ye with the
constables in the justice’s room!” I gave him a look of contemptuous
superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on.
Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of
the breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full
of people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I,
at the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly
powerless to do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who
stood in small groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack
Waller, habited in a very accurate black frock and dark trowsers,
supporting upon his arm—shall I confess—no less a person than Mary
Kamworth, who leaned on him with the familiarity of an old
acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. The buzz of conversation
which filled the apartment when I entered, ceased for a second of deep
silence; and then followed a peal of laughter so long and so
vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one might burst a
blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of indescribable
indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be most
withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin
costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the
louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks
out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last,
amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where
Waller stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to
stand without support.
“Waller,” said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame
together; “Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no
former term of intimacy between us shall—”
Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room,
called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel
Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables,
tipstaffs, &c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous
battle. Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he
burst out with—
“So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending
to be a gentleman, you get admission into a man’s house and dine at his
table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.—How far he
might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman,
his master, had not traced him here this morning—but you’ll pay dearly
for it, you young rascal, that you shall.”
“Colonel Kamworth,” said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess
exciting new bursts of laughter,) “Colonel Kamworth, for the
expressions you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you;
not, however, before another individual now present shall atone for the
insult he has dared to pass upon me.” Colonel Kamworth’s passion at
this declaration knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a
madman, and vowed that transportation for life would be a mild sentence
for such iniquity.
Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed
between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be
forgiven; “for indeed my dear sir,” said he, “the poor fellow is of
rather respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society
that he’d run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the
present case the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however,
let me deal with him. Come, Henry,” said he, with an air of
insufferable superiority, “take my tilbury into town, and wait for me
at the George, I shall endeavour to make your peace with my excellent
friend, Colonel Kamworth; and the best mode you can contribute to that
object, is to let us have no more of your society.”
I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape
from this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I
rushed from the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove
down the avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united
cheers, groans, and yells of the whole servants’ hall, who seemed to
enjoy my “detection,” even more than their betters. Meditating
vengeance, sharp, short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every
one else in the infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot
every vestige of our agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I
reached Cheltenham. Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose
management I could commit the bearing of a message, and was obliged as
soon as I could procure suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry
where the —th dragoons were then quartered. I lost no time in selecting
an adviser, and taking the necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a
reckoning; and on the third morning we again reached Cheltenham, I
thirsting for vengeance, and bursting still with anger; not so, my
friend, however, who never could discuss the affair with common
gravity, and even ventured every now and then on a sly allusion to my
yellow shorts. As we passed the last toll-bar, a travelling carriage
came whirling by with four horses at a tremendous pace; and as the
morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely risen, the whole team were
smoking and steaming so as to be half invisible. We both remarked on
the precipitancy of the party; for as our own pace was considerable,
the two vehicles passed like lightning. We had scarcely dressed, and
ordered breakfast, when a more than usual bustle in the yard called us
to the window; the waiter who came in at the same instant told us that
four horses were ordered out to pursue a young lady who had eloped that
morning with an officer.
“Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I’ll be bound,” said
my companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I
was too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the
chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the
pursuer was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my “ci
devant host,” Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated
at once; he had lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be
married. Apologies and explanations came in due time, for all my
injuuries and sufferings; and I confess, the part which pleased me most
was, that I saw no more of Jack for a considerable period after; he
started for the continent, where he has lived ever since on a small
allowance, granted by his father-in-law, and never paying me the
stipulated sum, as I had clearly broken the compact.
So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such
experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not
lie in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the
additional confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile
adventure, that I refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey’s
government, when I discovered that his livery included “yellow plush
breeches;” to have such “souvenirs” flitting around and about me, at
dinner and elsewhere, would have left me without a pleasure in
existence.