CONGRATULATIONS—SICK LEAVE—HOW TO PASS THE BOARD.
I had scarcely seated myself to breakfast at Swinburn’s hotel in
Limerick, when the waiter presented me with a letter. As my first
glance at the address showed it to be in Colonel Carden’s handwriting,
I felt not a little alarmed for the consequences of the rash step I had
taken in leaving my detachment; and, while quickly thronging fancies of
arrest and courtmartial flitted before me, I summoned resolution at
last to break the seal, and read as follows:—
“My dear Lorrequer,” (“dear Lorrequer!” dear me, thought I; cool
certainly, from one I have ever regarded as an open enemy)—“My dear
Lorrequer, I have just accidentally heard of your arrival here, and
hasten to inform you, that, as it may not be impossible your reasons
for so abruptly leaving your detachment are known to me, I shall not
visit your breach of discipline very heavily. My old and worthy friend,
Lord Callonby, who passed through here yesterday, has so warmly
interested himself in your behalf, that I feel disposed to do all in my
power to serve you; independently of my desire to do so on your own
account. Come over here, then, as soon as possible, and let us talk
over your plans together.
“Believe me, most truly yours,
“Henry Carden.
“Barracks, 10 o’clock.”
How mysterious and difficult to unravel, have been some of the
circumstances narrated in these “Confessions,” I do not scruple to avow
that the preceding letter was to me by far the most inexplicable piece
of fortune I had hitherto met with. That Lord Callonby should have
converted one whom I believed an implacable foe, into a most obliging
friend, was intelligible enough, seeing that his lordship had through
life been the patron of the colonel; but why he had so done, and what
communications he could possibly have made with regard to me, that
Colonel Carden should speak of “my plans” and proffer assistance in
them was a perfect riddle; and the only solution, one so ridiculously
flattering that I dared not think of it. I read and re-read the note;
misplaced the stops; canvassed every expression; did all to detect a
meaning different from the obvious one, fearful of a self-deception
where so much was at stake. Yet there it stood forth, a plain
straightforward proffer of services, for some object evidently known to
the writer; and my only conclusion, from all, was this, that “my Lord
Callonby was the gem of his order, and had a most remarkable talent for
selecting a son-in-law.”
I fell into a deep reverie upon my past life, and the prospects which I
now felt were opening before me. Nothing seemed extravagant to hopes so
well founded—to expectations so brilliant—and, in my mind’s eye, I
beheld myself at one moment leading my young and beautiful bride
through the crowded salons of Devonshire House; and, at the next, I was
contemplating the excellence and perfection of my stud arrangements at
Melton, for I resolved not to give up hunting. While in this
pleasurable exercise of my fancy, I was removing from before me some of
the breakfast equipage, or, as I then believed it, breaking the trees
into better groups upon my lawn, I was once more brought to the world
and its dull reality, by the following passage which my eye fell upon
in the newspaper before me—“We understand that the 4—th are daily
expecting the route for Cork, from whence they are to sail, early in
the ensuing month for Halifax, to relieve the 99th.” While it did not
take a moment’s consideration to show me that though the regiment there
mentioned was the one I belonged to, I could have no possible interest
in the announcement; it never coming into my calculation that I should
submit to such expatriation; yet it gave me a salutary warning that
there was no time to be lost in making my application for leave, which,
once obtained, I should have ample time to manage an exchange into
another corps. The wonderful revolution a few days had effected in all
my tastes and desires, did not escape me at this moment. But a week or
two before and I should have regarded an order for foreign service as
anything rather than unpleasant—now the thought was insupportable. Then
there would have been some charm to me in the very novelty of the
locale, and the indulgence of that vagrant spirit I have ever
possessed; for, like Justice Woodcock, “I certainly should have been a
vagabond if Providence had not made me a justice of the peace”—now, I
could not even contemplate the thing as possible; and would have
actually refused the command of a regiment, if the condition of its
acceptance were to sail for the colonies.
Besides, I tried—and how ingenious is self-deception—I tried to find
arguments in support of my determination totally different from the
reasons which governed me. I affected to fear climate, and to dread the
effect of the tropics upon my health. It may do very well, thought I,
for men totally destitute of better prospects; with neither talent,
influence or powerful connexion, to roast their cheeks at Sierra Leone,
or suck a sugar-cane at St. Lucia. But that you, Harry Lorrequer,
should waste your sweetness upon planters’ daughters—that have only to
be known, to have the world at your feet! The thing is absurd, and not
to be thought of! Yes, said I half aloud—we read in the army list, that
Major A. is appointed to the 50th, and Capt. B. to the 12th; but how
much more near the truth would it be, to say—“That His Majesty, in
consideration of the distinguished services of the one, has been
graciously pleased to appoint him to—a case of blue and collapsed
cholera, in India; and also, for the bravery and gallant conduct of the
other, in his late affair with the ‘How-dow-dallah Indians,’ has
promoted him to the—yellow fever now devastating and desolating
Jamaica.” How far my zeal for the service might have carried me on this
point, I know not; for I was speedily aroused from my musings by the
loud tramp of feet upon the stairs, and the sound of many well-known
voices of my brother officers, who were coming to visit me.
“So, Harry, my boy,” said the fat major as he entered; “is it true we
are not to have the pleasure of your company to Jamaica this time?”
“He prefers a pale face, it seems, to a black one; and certainly, with
thirty thousand in the same scale, the taste is excusable.”
“But, Lorrequer,” said a third, “we heard that you had canvassed the
county on the Callonby interest. Why, man, where do you mean to pull
up?”
“As for me,” lisped a large-eyed, white-haired ensign of three months’
standing, “I think it devilish hard, old Carden didn’t send ME down
there, too, for I hear there are two girls in the family. Eh,
Lorrequer?”
Having with all that peculiar bashfulness such occasions are sure to
elicit, disclaimed the happiness my friends so clearly ascribed to me,
I yet pretty plainly let it be understood that the more brilliant they
supposed my present prospects to be, the more near were they to
estimate them justly. One thing certainly gratified me throughout. All
seemed rejoiced at my good fortune, and even the old Scotch paymaster
made no more caustic remark than that he “wad na wonder if the chiel’s
black whiskers wad get him made governor of Stirling Castle before he’d
dee.”
Should any of my most patient listeners to these my humble confessions,
wonder either here, or elsewhere, upon what very slight foundations I
built these my “Chateaux en Espagne,” I have only one answer—“that from
my boyhood I have had a taste for florid architecture, and would rather
put up with any inconvenience of ground, than not build at all.”
As it was growing late I hurriedly bade adieu to my friends, and
hastened to Colonel Carden’s quarters, where I found him waiting for
me, in company with my old friend, Fitzgerald, our regimental surgeon.
Our first greetings over, the colonel drew me aside into a window, and
said that, from certain expressions Lord Callonby had made use
of—certain hints he had dropped—he was perfectly aware of the delicate
position in which I stood with respect to his lordship’s family. “In
fact, my dear Lorrequer,” he continued, “without wishing in the least
to obtrude myself upon your confidence, I must yet be permitted to say,
you are the luckiest fellow in Europe, and I most sincerely
congratulate you on the prospect before you.”
“But, my dear Colonel, I assure you—”
“Well, well, there—not a word more; don’t blush now. I know there is
always a kind of secrecy thought necessary on these occasions, for the
sake of other parties; so let us pass to your plans. From what I have
collected, you have not yet proposed formally. But, of course you
desire a leave. You’ll not quit the army, I trust; no necessity for
that; such influence as yours can always appoint you to an unattached
commission.”
“Once more let me protest, sir, that though for certain reasons most
desirous to obtain a leave of absence, I have not the most remote—”
“That’s right, quite right; I am sincerely gratified to hear you say
so, and so will be Lord Callonby; for he likes the service.”
And thus was my last effort at a disclaimer cut short by the loquacious
little colonel, who regarded my unfinished sentence as a concurrence
with his own opinion.
“Allah il Allah,” thought I, “it is my Lord Callonby’s own plot; and
his friend Colonel Cardon aids and abets him.”
“Now, Lorrequer,” resumed the colonel, “let us proceed. You have, of
course, heard that we are ordered abroad; mere newspaper report for the
present; nevertheless, it is extremely difficult—almost impossible,
without a sick certificate, to obtain a leave sufficiently long for
your purpose.”
And here he smirked, and I blushed, selon les regles..
“A sick certificate,” said I in some surprise.
“The only thing for you,” said Fitzgerald, taking a long pinch of
snuff; “and I grieve to say you have a most villainous look of good
health about you.”
“I must acknowledge I have seldom felt better.”
“So much the worse—so much the worse,” said Fitzgerald despondingly.
“Is there no family complaint; no respectable heir-loom of infirmity,
you can lay claim to from your kindred?”
“None, that I know of, unless a very active performance on the several
occasions of breakfast, dinner, and supper, with a tendency towards
port, and an inclination to sleep ten in every twenty-four hours, be a
sign of sickness; these symptoms I have known many of the family suffer
for years, without the slightest alleviation, though, strange as it may
appear, they occasionally had medical advice.”
Fitz. took no notice of my sneer at the faculty, but proceeded to
strike my chest several times, with his finger tips. “Try a short cough
now,” said he. “Ah, that will never do!”
“Do you ever flush. Before dinner I mean?”
“Occasionally, when I meet with a luncheon.”
“I’m fairly puzzled,” said poor Fitz. throwing himself into a chair;
“gout is a very good thing; but, then, you see you are only a sub., and
it is clearly against the articles of war, to have it before being a
field officer at least. Apoplexy is the best I can do for you; and, to
say the truth, any one who witnesses your performance at mess, may put
faith in the likelihood of it.
“Do you think you could get up a fit for the medical board,” said
Fitz., gravely.
“Why, if absolutely indispensable,” said I, “and with good
instruction—something this way. Eh, is it not?”
“Nothing of the kind: you are quite wrong.”
“Is there not always a little laughing and crying,” said I.
“Oh, no, no; take the cue from the paymaster any evening after mess,
and you’ll make no mistake—very florid about the cheeks; rather a lazy
look in one eye, the other closed up entirely; snore a little from time
to time, and don’t be too much disposed to talk.”
“And you think I may pass muster in this way.”
“Indeed you may, if old Camie, the inspector, happen to be (what he is
not often) in a good humour. But I confess I’d rather you were really
ill, for we’ve passed a great number of counterfeits latterly, and we
may be all pulled up ere long.”
“Not the less grateful for your kindness,” said I; “but still, I’d
rather matters stood as they do.”
Having, at length, obtained a very formidable statement of my ‘case’
from the Doctor, and a strong letter from the Colonel, deploring the
temporary loss of so promising a young officer, I committed myself and
my portmanteau to the inside of his Majesty’s mail, and started for
Dublin with as light a heart and high spirits, as were consistent with
so much delicacy of health, and the directions of my Doctor.