“Now, massa, pipe belay
Wid your weary, weary Log, O;
Peter sick of him, me say,
Ah! sick more as one dog, O.”
--The Humble Petition Of
Peter Mangrove, Branch Pilot.
Like all Portuguese towns, and most Spanish, Panama does not realize the
idea which a stranger forms of it from the first view, as he descends
from the savannah. The houses are generally built of wood, and three
stories high: in the first or ground floor, are the shops; in the
second, the merchants have their warehouses; and in the third, they
usually live with their families. Those three different regions, sorry
am I to say it, are all very dirty; indeed they may be said to be the
positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of uncleanness. There
are no glazed sashes in the windows, so that when it rains, and the
shutters are closed, you are involved in utter darkness. The furniture
is miserably scanty--some old fashioned, high backed, hardwood chairs,
with a profusion of tarnished gilding; a table or two, in the same
style, with a long grass hammock slung from corner to corner,
intersecting the room diagonally, which, as they hang very low, about
six inches only from the floor, it was not once only, that entering a
house during the siesta, when the windows were darkened, I have tumbled
headlong over a Don or Dofia, taking his or her forenoon nap. But if
movables were scarce, there was no paucity of silver dishes; basins,
spit boxes, censers, and utensils of all shapes, descriptions, and
sizes, of this precious metal, were scattered about without any order or
regularity, while some nameless articles, also of silver, were thrust
far out of their latitude, and shone conspicuously in the very centre of
the rooms. The floors were usually either of hard-wood plank, ill
kept; or terraced, or tiled; some indeed were flagged with marble, but
this was rare; and as for the luxury of a carpet, it was utterly
unknown, the nearest approach to it being a grass mat, plaited prettily
enough, called an estera. Round the walls of the house are usually hung
a lot of dingy faced, worm eaten pictures of saints, and several
crucifixes, which appear to be held in great veneration. The streets
are paved, but exceedingly indifferently; and the frequent rains, or
rather waterspouts, (and from the position of the place, between the two
vast oceans of the Atlantic and Pacific, they have considerably more
than their own share of moisture,) washing away the soil and sand from
between the stones, render the footing for bass of all kinds extremely
insecure. There are five monasteries of different orders, and a convent
of nuns, within the walls, most of which, I believe, are but poorly
endowed. All these have handsome churches attached to them; that of La
Merced is very splendid. The cathedral is also a fine building, with
some good pictures, and several lay relics of Pizarro, Almagro, and
Vasco Nufiez, that riveted my attention; while their fragments of the
Vera Cruz, and arrow points that had quivered in the muscles of St
Sebastian, were passed by as weak inventions of the enemy.
The week after my arrival was a fast, the men eating only once in the
twenty our hours, (as for the women, who the deuce can tell how often a
woman eats?) and during this period all the houses were stripped of
their pictures, lamps, and ornaments, to dress out the churches, which
were beautifully illuminated in the evenings, while a succession of
friars performed service in them continually. High mass is, even to the
eye of a heretic, a very splendid ceremony; and the music in this
outlandish corner was unexpectedly good, every thing considered; in the
church of La Merced, especially, they had a very fine organ, and the
congregation joined in the Jubilate with very good taste. By the way,
in this same church, on the right of the high altar, there was a deep
and lofty recess, covered with a thick black veil, in which stood
concealed a figure of our Saviour, as large as life, hanging on a great
cross, with the blood flowing from his wounds, and all kinds of horrible
accompaniments. At a certain stage of the service, a drum was beaten by
one of the brethren, upon which the veil was withdrawn, when the whole
congregation prostrated themselves before the image, with every
appearance of the greatest devotion. Even the passengers in the streets
within ear-shot of the drum, stopped and uncovered themselves, and
muttered a prayer; while the inmates of the houses knelt, and crossed
themselves, with all the externals of deep humility; although, very
probably, they were at the moment calculating in their minds the profits
on the last adventure from Kingston. One custom particularly struck me
as being very beautiful. As the night shuts in, after a noisy prelude
on all the old pots in the different steeples throughout the city, there
is a dead pause; presently the great bell of the cathedral tolls slowly,
once or twice, at which every person stops from his employment, whatever
that may be, or wherever he may be, uncovers himself, and says a short
prayer--all hands remaining still and silent for a minute or more, when
the great bell tolls again, and once more every thing rolls on as usual.
On the fourth evening of my residence in Panama, I had retired early to
rest. My trusty knave, Peter Mangrove, and trustier still, my dog
Sneezer, had both fallen asleep on the floor, at the foot of my bed, if
the piece of machinery on which I lay deserved that name, when in the
dead of night I was awakened by a slight noise at the door. I shook
myself and listened. Presently it opened, and the old woman that I have
already described as part and portion of Don Hombrecillo Justo’s family,
entered the room in her usual very scanty dress, with a lighted candle
in her hand, led by a little naked negro child. I was curious to see
what she would do, but I was not certain how the dog might relish the
intrusion; so I put my hand over my quatre, and snapping my finger and
thumb, Sneezer immediately rose and came to my bedside. I immediately
judged, from the comical expression of his face, as seen by the taper of
the intruder, that he thought it was some piece of fun, for he walked
quietly up, and confronting the old lady, deliberately took the
candlestick out of her hand. The little black urchin thereupon began
shouting, “Perro Demonio--Perro Demonio” and in their struggle to
escape, she and the old lady tumbled headlong over the sleeping pilot,
whereby the candle was extinguished, and we were left in utter darkness.
I had therefore nothing for it but to get out of bed, and go down to the
cobbler, who lived in the entresol, to get a light. He had not gone to
sleep and I gave him no small alarm; indeed he was near absconding at
my unseasonable intrusion, but at length I obtained the object of my
visit, and returned to my room, when, on opening the door, I saw poor
Mangrove lying on his back in the middle of the floor, with his legs and
arms extended as if he had been on the rack, his eyes set, his mouth
open, and every faculty benumbed by fear. At his feet sat the negro
child, almost as much terrified as he was, and crying most lamentably;
while, at a little distance, sat the spectre of the old woman,
scratching its head with the greatest composure, and exclaiming in
Spanish, “a little brandy for love of the Holy Virgin.” But the most
curious part of it was the conduct of our old friend Sneezer. There he
was sitting on end upon the table, grinning and showing his ivory teeth,
his eyes of jet sparkling like diamonds with fun and frolic, and
evidently laughing, after his fashion, like to split himself, as he
every now and then gave a large sweeping whisk of his tail, like a cat
watching a mouse. At length I got the cobbler and his sable rib to take
charge of the wanderers, and once more fell asleep.
On my first arrival, I was somewhat surprised at my Spanish
acquaintances always putting, up their umbrellas when abroad after
nightfall in the streets; the city had its evil customs, it seemed, as
well as others of more note, with this disadvantage, that no one had the
discretion to sing out gardyloo.
There was another solemn fast about this time, in honour of a saint
having had a tooth drawn, or some equally important event, and Don
Hombrecillo and I had been at the evening service in the church of the
convent of La Merced, situated, as I have already mentioned, directly
opposite his house, on the other side of the lane; and this being over,
we were on the eve of returning home, when the flannel-robed superior
came up and invited us into the refectory, whereunto, after some
palaver, we agreed to adjourn, and had a good supper, and some bad
Malaga wine, which, however, seemed to suit the palates of the Frailes,
if taking a very decent quantity thereof were any proof of the same.
Presently two of the lay brothers produced their fiddles, and as I was
determined not to be outdone, I volunteered a song, and, as a key-stone
to my politeness, sent to Don Hombrecillo’s for the residue of my
brandy, which, coming after the bad wine, acted most cordially, opening
the hearts of all hands like an oyster knife, the Superior’s especially,
who in turn drew on his private treasure also, when out came a large
green vitrified earthen pipkin, one of those round-bottomed jars that
won’t stand on end, but must perforce lie on their sides, as if it had
been a type of the predicament in which some of us were to be placed ere
long through its agency. The large cork, buried an inch deep in green
wax, was withdrawn from the long neck, and out gurgled most capital old
Xeres. So we worked away until we were all pretty well fou, and anon we
began to dance; and there were half-a-dozen friars, and old Justo and
myself, in great glee, jumping and gamboling about, and making fools of
ourselves after a very fantastic fashion--the witches in Macbeth as an
illustration.
At length, after being two months in Panama, and still no appearance of
the Bandera, I received a letter from the Admiral, desiring me to rejoin
the Wave immediately, as it was then known that the line of battle ship
had returned to the River Plate. Like most young men, who have hearts
of flesh in their bosoms, I had in this short space begun to have my
likings--may I not call them friendships?--in this, at the time I write
of, most primitive community; and the idea of bidding farewell to it,
most likely for ever, sank deep. However, I was His Majesty’s officer,
and my services and obedience were his, although my feelings were my
own; and, accordingly, stifling the latter, I prepared for my departure.
On the very day whereon I was recalled, a sister of mine host’s--a most
reverend mechanic, who had been fourteen years married without chick or
child--was brought to bed, to the unutterable surprise of her spouse,
and of all the little world in Panama, of a male infant. It had rained
the whole day, notwithstanding which, and its being the only
authenticated production ever published by the venerable young lady, the
piccaniny was carried to the Franciscan church, a distance of half a
mile, at nine o’clock at night, through a perfect storm, to be
christened, and the evil star of poor Mangrove rose high in the
ascendant on the occasion.
After the ceremony, I was returning home chilled with standing uncovered
for an hour in a cold damp church, and walking very fast, in order to
bring myself into heat, when, on turning a corner, I heard a sound of
flutes and fiddles in the street, and from the number of lanterns and
torches that accompanied it, I conjectured rightly that it was a
Function of no small importance--no less, in fact, than a procession in
honour of the Virgin. Poor Mangrove at this time was pattering close to
my heels, and I could hear him chuckling and laughing to himself.
“What dis can be--I say, Sneezer”--to his never-failing companion
“what you tink, John Canoe--after Spanish fashion, it mosh be, eh?”
The dog began to jump and gambol about.
“Ah,” continued the black pilot, “no doubt it must be John Canoe I may
dance--why not--eh?--oh, yes--I shall dance.”
And as the music struck into rather a quicker tune at the moment, our
ebony friend began to caper and jump about as if he had been in Jamaica
at Christmas time, whereupon one of the choristers, or music boys, as
they were called, a beautiful youth, about forty years of age, six feet
high, and proportionally strong, without the least warning incontinently
smote our amigo across the pate with a brazen saint that he carried, and
felled him to the earth; indeed, if el Senor Justo had not been on the
spot to interfere, we should have had a scene of it in all likelihood,
as the instant the man delivered his blow, Sneezer’s jaws were at his
throat, and had he not fortunately obeyed me, and let go at the sound of
my voice, we might have had a double of Macaire and the dog of
Montargis. As it was, the noble animal, before he let go, brought the
culprit to the ground like a shot. I immediately stood forward, and got
the feud soldered as well as I could, in which the worthy Justo
cordially lent me a hand.
Next morning I rode out on my mule, to take my last dip in the Quebrada
of the Loseria, which was a rapid in a beautiful little rivulet, distant
from Panama about three miles, and a most exquisite bath it was. Let me
describe it. After riding a couple of miles, and leaving the open
savannah, you struck off sharp to the left through a narrow bridle-path
into the wood, with an impervious forest on either hand, and proceeding
a mile farther, you came suddenly upon a small rushing, roaring,
miniature cascade, where the pent-up waters leaped through a narrow gap
in the limestone rock, that you could have stepped across, down a tiny
fall about a fathom high, into a round foaming buzzing basin, twenty
feet in diameter, where the clear cool water bubbled and eddied round
and round like a boiling cauldron, until it rushed away once more over
the lower ledge, and again disappeared, murmuring beneath the thick
foliage of the rustling branches. The pool was about ten feet deep,
and never was any thing more luxurious in a hot climate.
After having performed my morning ablutions, and looking with a heavy
heart at the sweet stream, and at every stock and stone, and shrub and
tree, as objects I was never to see again; I trotted on, followed by
Peter Mangrove, my man-at-arms, who bestrode his mule gallantly, to
Don Hombrecillo’s pen, as the little man delighted to call his country
house, situated about five miles from Panama, and which I was previously
informed had been given up to the use of his two maiden sisters. I got
there about half past ten in the forenoon, and found that el Senor Justo
had arrived before me. The situation was most beautiful; the house was
embosomed in high wood; the lowest spurs put forth by the gigantic trees
being far above the ridge-pole of the wooden fabric. It was a low one
story building of unpainted timber, which, from the action of the
weather, had been bleached on the outside into a whitish grey
appearance, streaked by numerous green weather-stains, and raised about
five feet on wooden posts, so that there was room for a flock of goats
to shelter themselves below it. Access was had to the interior by a
rickety rattle-trap of a wooden ladder, or stair of half-a-dozen
steps, at the top of which you landed in an unceiled hall, with the
rafters of the roof exposed, and the bare green vitrified tiles for a
canopy, while a small sleeping apartment opened off each end. In the
centre room there was no furniture except two grass hammocks slung
across the room, and three or four old-fashioned leather, or rather
hide covered chairs, and an old rickety table; while overhead the tiles
were displaced in one or two places, where the droppings from the leaves
of the trees, and the sough of their rustling in the wind, came through.
There were no inmates visible when we entered but a little negro girl,
of whom el Senor Hombrecillo asked “where the Senoras were?”--“En
capillo,” said the urchin. Whereupon we turned back and proceeded to a
little tiny stone chapel, little bigger than a dog-house, the smallest
affair in the shape of a church I had ever seen, about a pistol-shot
distant in the wood, where we found the two old ladies and Senor Justo’s
natural son engaged at their devotions. On being aware of our presence,
they made haste with the service, and, having finished it, arose and
embraced their brother, while the son approached and kissed his hand.
One of the ancient demoiselles appeared in bad health; nevertheless,
they both gave us a very hearty reception, and prepared breakfast for
us; fricasseed fowls, a little too much of the lard, but still, fish
from the neighbouring stream, &c., and I was doing the agreeable to the
best of my poor ability, when el Senor Justo asked me abruptly if I
would go, and bathe. A curious country, thought I, and a strange way
people have of doing things. After a hearty meal, instead of giving you
time to ruminate, and to allow the gastric juices to operate, away they
lug you to be plumped over head and ears into a pool of ice cold water.
I rose, confoundedly against my inclinations I will confess, and, we
proceeded to a small rocky waterfall, where a man might wash himself
certainly, but as to swimming, which is to me the grand desideratum, it
was impossible, so I prowled away down the stream, to look out for a
pool, and at last I was successful. On returning, as I only took a dip
to swear by, the situation of my venerable Spanish ally was entertaining
enough. There he was, the most forlorn little mandrake eye ever rested
on, cowering like a large frog under the tiny cascade, stark naked, with
his knees drawn up to his chin, and his grey queue gathered carefully
under a green gourd or calabash that he wore on his head, while his
natural son was dashing water in his face, as if the shower bath
overhead had not been sufficient.
“Soy banando--soy banando, capitan--fresco--fresquito,” squealed
Hombrecillo; while, splash between every exclamation, his dutiful son
let fly a gourdfull of agua at his head.
That same evening we returned to Panama; and next morning, being the 22d
of such a month, I left my kind friends, and, with Peter Mangrove,
proceeded on our journey to Cruces, mounted on two stout mules. I got
there late in the evening, the road, from the heavy rains, being in sad
condition; but next morning the recua, or convoy of silver, which was to
follow me for shipment on merchants account to Kingston, had not
arrived. Presently I received a letter from Don Justo, sent express, to
intimate that the muleteers had proceeded immediately after we had
started for about a mile beyond the suburbs, where they were stopped by
the officer of a kind of military post or barrier, under pretence of the
passport being irregular; and this difficulty was no sooner cleared up,
than the accounts of a bullfight, that was unexpectedly to take place
that forenoon, reached them, when the whole bunch, half drunk as they
were, started off to Panama again, leaving the money with the soldiers;
nor would they return, or be prevailed on to proceed, until the
following morning. However, on the 24th, at noon, the money did arrive,
which was immediately embarked on board of a large canoe that I had
provided; and, having shipped a beautiful little mule also, of which I
had made a purchase at Panama, we proceeded down the river to the
village of Gorgona, where we slept. My apartment was rather a primitive
concern. It was simply a roof or shed, thatched with palm-tree leaves,
about twelve feet long by eight broad, and supported on four upright
posts at the corners, the eaves being about six feet high. Under this I
slung my grass hammock transversely from corner to corner, tricing it
well up to the rafters, so that it hung about five feet from the ground;
while beneath Mangrove lit a fire, for the twofold purpose, as it struck
me, of driving off the musquittoes, and converting his Majesty’s officer
into ham or hung beef; and after having made mulo fast to one of the
posts, with a bundle of malojo, or the green stems of Indian corn or
maize, under his nose, he borrowed a plank from a neighbouring hut, and
laid himself down on it at full length, covered up with a blanket, as if
he had been a corpse, and soon fell fast asleep. As for Sneezer, he lay
with his black muzzle resting on his fore paws, which were thrust out
straight before him, until they almost stirred up the white embers of
the fire; with his eyes shut, and apparently asleep, but from the
constant nervous twitchings and pricking up of his ears, and his
haunches being gathered up well under him, and a small quick switch of
his tail now and then, it was evident he was broad awake, and considered
himself on duty. All continued quiet and silent in our bivouac until
midnight, however, except the rushing of the river hard by, when I was
awakened by the shaking of the shed from the violent struggles of mulo
to break loose, his strong trembling thrilling along the taught cord
that held him, down the lanyard of my hammock to my neck, as he drew
himself in the intervals of his struggles as far back as he could,
proving that the poor brute suffered under a paroxysm of fear. “What
noise is that?” I roused myself. It was repeated. It was a wild cry,
or rather a loud shrill mew, gradually sinking into a deep growl. “What
the deuce is that, Sneezer?” said I. The dog made no answer, but merely
wagged his tail once, as if he had said, “Wait a bit now, master; you
shall see how well I shall acquit myself, for this is in my way.” Ten
yards from the shed under which I slept, there was a pigsty, surrounded
by a sort of tiny stockade a fathom high, make of split cane, wove into
wickerwork between upright rails sunk into the ground; and by the clear
moonlight I could, as I lay in my hammock, see an animal larger than an
English bulldog, but with the stealthy pace of the cat, crawl on in a
crouching attitude until within ten feet of the sty, when it stopped,
looked round, and then drew itself back, and made a scrambling jump
against the cane defence, hooking on to the top of it by its fore paws.
the claws of its hind feet scratching and rasping against the dry cane
splits, until it had gathered its legs into a bunch, like the aforesaid
puss, on the top of the enclosure; from which elevation the creature
seemed to be reconnoitring the unclean beasts within. I grasped my
pistols. Mangrove was still sound asleep. The struggles of mulo
increased; I could hear the sweat raining off him; but Sneezer, to my
great surprise, remained motionless as before. We now heard the alarmed
grunts, and occasionally a sharp squeak, from the piggery, as if the
beauties had only now become aware of the vicinity of their dangerous
neighbour, who, having apparently made his selection, suddenly dropped
down amongst them; when mulo burst from his fastenings with a yell
enough to frighten the devil, tearing away the upright to which the
lanyard of my hammock was made fast, whereby I was pitched like a shot
right down on Mangrove’s corpus, while a volley of grunting and
squeaking split the sky, such as I never heard before; while, in the
very nick, Sneezer, starting from his lair with a loud bark, sprang at a
bound into the enclosure, which he topped like a first rate hunter; and
Peter Mangrove, awakening all of a heap from my falling on him, jumped
upon his feet as noisy as the rest.
“Caramighty in a tap--wurra all dis--my tomach bruise home to my
backbone like one pancake;” and, while the short fierce bark of the
noble dog was blended with the agonized cry of the gatto del monte, the
shrill treble of the poor porkers rose high above both, and mulo was
galloping through the village with the post after him, like a dog with a
pan at his tail, making the most unearthly noises; for it was neither
bray nor neigh. The villagers ran out of their huts, headed by the
Padre Cura, and all was commotion and uproar. Lights were procured.
The noise in the sty continued, and Mangrove, the warm hearted creature,
unsheathing his knife, clambered over the fence to the rescue of his
four footed ally, and disappeared, shouting, “Sneezer often fight for
Peter, so Peter now will fight for he;” and soon began to blend his
shouts with the cries of the enraged beasts within. At length the mania
spread to me upon hearing the poor fellow shout, “Tiger here, Captain
tiger here tiger too many for we--Lud-a-mercy--tiger too many for we,
sir,--if you no help we, we shall be torn in piece.” Then a violent
struggle, and a renewal of the uproar, and of the barking, and yelling,
and squeaking. It was now no joke; the life of a fellow-creature was
at stake. So I scrambled up after the pilot to the top of the fence,
with a loaded pistol in my hand, a young active Spaniard following with
a large brown wax candle, that burned like a torch; and looking down on
the melee below, there Sneezer lay with the throat of the leopard in his
jaws, evidently much exhausted, but still giving the creature a cruel
shake now and then, while Mangrove was endeavouring to throttle the
brute with his bare hands. As for the poor pigs, they were all huddled
together, squeaking and grunting most melodiously in the corner. I held
down the light. “Now, Peter, cut his throat, man--cut his throat.”
Mangrove, the moment he saw where he was, drew his knife across the
leopard’s weasand, and killed him on the spot. The glorious dog, the
very instant he felt he had a dead antagonist in his fangs, let go his
hold, and making a jump with all his remaining strength, for he was
bleeding much, and terribly torn, I caught him by the nape of the
neck, and, in my attempt to lift him over and place him on the outside,
down I went, dog and all, amongst the pigs, upon the bloody carcass; out
of which mess I was gathered by the Cura and the standers by in a very
beautiful condition; for, what between the filth of the sty and blood of
the leopard, and so forth, I was not altogether a fit subject, for a
side box at the Opera.
This same tiger or leopard had committed great depredations in the
neighbourhood for months before, but he had always escaped, although he
had been repeatedly wounded; so Peter and I became as great men for the
two hours longer that we sojourned in Gorgona, as if we had killed the
dragon of Wantley. Our quarry was indeed a noble animal, nearly seven
feet from, the nose to the tip of the tail. At day dawn, having
purchased his skin for three dollars, I shoved off; and, on the 25th, at
five in the evening, having had a strong current with us the whole way
down, we arrived at Chagres once more. I found a boat from the Wave
waiting for me, and to prevent unnecessary delay, I resolved to proceed
with the canoe along the coast to Porto Bello, as there was a strong
weather current running, and no wind; and, accordingly, we proceeded
next morning, with the canoe in tow, but towards the afternoon it came
on to blow, which forced us into a small cove, where we remained for the
night in a very uncomfortable situation, as the awning proved an
indifferent shelter from the rain, that descended in torrents.
We had made ourselves as snug as it was possible to be in such weather,
under an awning of boat sails, and had kindled a fire in a tub at the
bottom of the boat, at which we had made ready some slices of beef, and
roasted some yams, and were, all hands, master and men, making ourselves
comfortable with a glass of grog, when the warp by which we rode
suddenly parted, from a puff of wind that eddied down on us over the
little cape, and before we could get the oars out, we were tailing on
the beach at the opposite side of the small bay. However, we soon
regained our original position, by which time all was calm again where
we lay; and this time, we sent the end of the line ashore, making it
fast round a tree, and once more rode in safety. But I could not sleep,
and the rain having ceased, the clouds broke away, and the moon once
more shone out cold, bright, and clear. I had stepped forward from
under the temporary awning, and was standing on the thwart, looking out
to windward, endeavouring to judge of the weather at sea, and debating
in my own mind whether it would be prudent to weigh before daylight, or
remain where we were. But all in the offing, beyond the small headland,
under the lee of which we lay, was dark and stormy water, and white
crested howling waves, although our snug little bay continued placid and
clear, with the moonbeams dancing on the twinkling ripple, that was lap,
lapping, an& sparkling like silver on the snow-white beach of sand and
broken shells; while the hills on shore that rose high and abrupt close
to, were covered with thick jungle, from which, here and there, a
pinnacle of naked grey rock would shoot up like a gigantic spectre, or a
tall tree would cast its long black shadow over the waving sea of green
leaves that undulated in the breeze beneath.
As the wind was veering about rather capriciously, I had cast my eye
anxiously along the warp, to see how it bore the strain, when to my
surprise it appeared to thicken at the end next the tree, and presently
something like a screw, about a foot long, that occasionally shone like
glass in the moonlight, began to move along the taught line, with a
spiral motion. All this time one of the boys was fast asleep, resting
on his folded arms on the gunwale, his head having dropped down on the
stem of the boat; but one of the Spanish bogas in the canoe, which was
anchored close to us, seeing me gazing at something, now looked in the
same direction; the instant he caught the object, he thumped with his
palms on the side of the canoe exclaiming, in a loud alarmed tone--
“Culebra--culebra,--a snake, a snake,”--on which the reptile made a
sudden and rapid slide down the line towards the bow of the boat where
the poor lad was sleeping, and immediately afterwards dropped into the
sea.
The sailor rose and walked aft, as if nothing had happened, amongst his
messmates, who had been alarmed by the cries of the Spanish canoe man,
and I was thinking little of the matter, when I heard some anxious
whispering amongst them.
“Fred,” said one of the men, “what is wrong, that you breathe so hard?”
“Why, boy, what ails you?” said another.
“Something has stung me,” at length said the poor little fellow,
speaking thick, as if he had laboured under sore throat. The truth
flashed on me, a candle was lit, and, on looking at him, he appeared
stunned, complained of cold, and suddenly assumed a wild startled look.
He evinced great anxiety and restlessness, accompanied by a sudden and
severe prostration of strength--still continuing to complain of great
and increasing cold and chilliness, but he did not shiver. As yet no
part of his body was swollen, except very slightly about the wound;
however, there was a rapidly increasing rigidity of the muscles of the
neck and throat, and within half an hour after he was bit, he was
utterly unable to swallow even liquids. The small whip-snake, the most
deadly asp in the whole list of noxious reptiles peculiar to South
America, was not above fourteen inches long; it had made four small
punctures with its fangs, right over the left jugular vein, about an
inch below the chin. There was no blood oozing from them, but a circle
about the size of a crownpiece of dark red surrounded them, gradually
melting into blue at the outer rim, which again became fainter and
fainter, until it disappeared in the natural colour of the skin. By the
advice of he Spanish boatman, we applied an embrocation of the leaves of
the palma Christi, or castor-oil nut, as hot as the lad could bear it,
but we had neither oil nor hot milk to give internally, both of which
they informed us often proved specifics. Rather than lie at anchor,
until morning, under these melancholy circumstances, I shoved out into
the rough water, but we made little of it, and when the day broke, I saw
that the poor fellow’s fate was sealed. His voice had become
inarticulate, the coldness had increased, all motion in the extremities
had ceased, the legs and arms became quite stiff, the respiration slow
and difficult, as if the blood had coagulated, and could no longer
circulate through the heart; or as if, from some unaccountable effect of
the poison on the nerves, the action of the former had been impeded;--
still the poor little fellow was perfectly sensible, and his eye bright
and restless. His breathing became still more interrupted--he could no
longer be said to breathe, but gasped--and in another half hour, like a
steam-engine when the fire is withdrawn, the strokes, or contractions
and expansions of his heart became slower and slower, until they ceased
altogether.
From the very moment of his death, the body began rapidly to swell, and
become discoloured; the face and neck, especially, were nearly as black
as ink within half an hour of it, when blood began to flow from the
mouth, and other symptoms of rapid decomposition succeeded each other so
fast, that by nine in the morning we had to sew him up in a boat sail,
with a large stone, and launch the body into the sea.
We continued to struggle against the breeze until eleven o’clock in the
forenoon of the 27th, when the wind again increased to such a pitch,
that we had to cast off our tow, and leave her on the coast under the
charge of little Reefpoint, with instructions to remain in the creek
where he was, until the schooner picked him up; we then pushed once more
through the surf for Porto Bello, where we arrived in safety at five
P.m. Next morning at daylight we got under weigh, and stood down for the
canoe, and having received the money on board, and the Spaniards who
accompanied it, and poor mulo, we made sail for Kingston, Jamaica, and
on the 4th of the following month were off Carthagena once more, having
been delayed by calms and light winds. The captain of the port shoved
out to us, and I immediately recognized him as the officer to whom poor
old Deadeye once gave a deuced fright, when we were off the town, in the
old Torch, during the siege, and about a fortnight before she foundered
in the hurricane; but in the present instance he was all civility; on
his departure we made sail, and arrived at Kingston, safe and sound, in
the unusually short passage of sixty hours from the time we left
Carthagena.
Here the first thing I did was to call on some of my old friends, with
one of whom I found a letter lying for me from Mr Bang, requesting a
visit at his domicile in St Thomas in the Vale so soon as I arrived; and
through the extreme kindness of my Kingston allies, I had, on my
intention of accepting it being known, at least half a dozen gigs
offered to me, with servants and horses, and I don’t know what all. I
made my selection, and had arranged to start at day-dawn next morning,
when a cousin of mine, young Palma, came in where I was dining, and said
that his mother and the family had arrived in town that very day, and
were bound on a picnic party next morning to visit the Falls in St
David’s. I agreed to go, and to postpone my visit to friend Aaron for
the present; and very splendid scenery did we see; but as I had seen the
Falls of Niagara, of course I was not astonished. There was a favourite
haunt and cave of Three-fingered Jack shown to us in the neighbourhood,
very picturesque and romantic, and all that sort of thing, but I was
escorting my Mary, and the fine scenery and roaring waters were at this
time thrown away on me. However, there was one incident amusing enough.
Mary and I had wandered away from the rest of the party, about a mile
above the cascade, where the river was quiet and still, and divided into
several tiny streams or pools, by huge stones that had rolled from the
precipitous banks, down into its channel; when on turning an angle of
the rock, we came unexpectedly on my old ally Whiffle, with a cigar in
his mouth, seated on a cane bottomed chair, close to the brink of the
water, with a little low table at his right hand, on which stood a plate
of cold meat, over which his black servant held a green branch, with
which he was brushing the flies away, while a large rummer of cold
brandy grog was immersed in the pool at his feet, covered up with a cool
plantain leaf. He held a long fishing rod in his hands, eighteen feet
at the shortest, fit to catch salmon with, which he had to keep nearly
upright, in order to let his hook drop into the pool, which was not
above five feet wide--why he did not heave it by hand I am sure I cannot
tell; indeed, I would as soon have thought of angling for gold fish in
my aunt’s glass globe--and there he sat fishing with great complacency.
However, he seemed a little put out when we came up. “Ah, Tom, how do
you do?--Miss, your most obsequious--no rain mullet deucedly shy, Tom--
ah! what a glorious nibble--there--there again--I have him;” and sure
enough, he had hooked a fine mountain mullet, weighing about a pound and
a half, and in the ecstasy of the moment, and his hurry to land him
handsomely, he regularly capsized in his chair, upset the rummer of
brandy grog and table and all the rest of it. We had a good laugh, and
then rejoined our party, and that evening we all sojourned at Lucky
Valley, a splendid coffee estate, with a most excellent man and an
exceedingly obliging fellow for a landlord.
Next day we took a long ride, to visit a German gentleman, who had
succeeded in a wonderful manner in taming fish. He received us very
hospitably, and after lunch, we all proceeded to his garden, through
which ran a beautiful stream of the clearest water. It was about four
feet broad, and a foot deep, where it entered the garden, but gradually
widened in consequence of a dam with stakes at the top having been
erected at the lower part of it, until it became a pool twelve feet
broad, and four feet deep, of the most beautiful crystal clear water
that can be imagined, while the margin on both sides was fringed with
the fairest flowers that Europe or the tropics could afford. We all
peered into the stream, but could see nothing except an occasional
glance of a white scale or fin now and then.--“Liverpool!” shouted the
old German who was doing the honours--“Liverpool, come bring de food for
de fis.” Liverpool, a respectable-looking negro, approached, and
stooping down at the water’s edge, held a piece of roasted plantain
close to the surface of it. In an instant, upwards of a hundred mullet,
large fine fish, some of them above a foot long, rushed from out the
dark clear depths of the quiet pool, and jumped, and walloped, and
struggled for the food, although the whole party were standing close by.
Several of the ladies afterwards tried their hand, and the fish,
although not apparently quite so confident, after a tack here and a tack
there, always in the end came close to and made a grab at what was held
to them.
That evening I returned to Kingston, where I found an order lying for me
to repair as second-lieutenant on board the Firebrand once more, and to
resign the command of the Wave to no less a man than Moses Yerk,
esquire; and a happy man was Moses, and a gallant fellow he proved
himself in her, and earned laurels and good freights of specie, and is
now comfortably domiciled amongst his friends.
The only two Waves, that I successfully made interest at their own
request to get back with me, were Tailtackle, and little Reefpoint.
Time wore on--days and weeks and months passed away, during which we
were almost constantly at sea, but incidents worth relating had grown
scarce, as we were now in piping times of peace, when even a stray
pirate had become a rarity, and a luxury denied to all but the small
craft people. On one of our cruises, however, we had been working up
all morning to the southward of the Pedro shoals, with the wind strong
at east, a hard fiery sea-breeze. We had hove-about, some three hours
before, and were standing in towards the land, on the starboard tack,
when the look-out at the masthead hailed.
“The water shoals on the weather bow, sir;” and presently, “breakers
right ahead.”
“Very well,” I replied--“all right.”
“We are nearing the reefs, sir,” said I, walking aft and addressing
Captain Transom; “shall we stand by to go about, sir?”
“Certainly--heave in stays as soon as you like, Mr Cringle.”
At this moment the man aloft again sung out--“There is a wreck on the
weather most point of the long reef, sir.”
“Ay! what does she look like?”
“I see the stumps of two lower masts, but the bowsprit is gone, sir--I
think she must be a schooner or a brig, sir.”
The Captain was standing by, and looked up to me, as I stood on the long
eighteen at the weather-gangway.
“Is the breeze not too strong, Mr Cringle?”
I glanced my eye over the side--“Why, no, sir--a boat will live well
enough--there is not so much sea in shore here.”
“Very well--haul the courses up, and heave-to.”
It was done.
“Pipe away the yawlers, boatswain’s mate.”
The boat over the lee-quarter was lowered, and I was sent to
reconnoitre the object that had attracted our attention. As we
approached, we passed the floating swollen carcasses of several
bullocks, and some pieces of wreck; and getting into smooth water, under
the lee of the reef, we pulled up under the stem of the shattered hull
which lay across it, and scrambled on deck by the boat tackles, that
hung from the davits, as if the jolly-boat had recently been lowered.
The vessel was a large Spanish schooner, apparently about one hundred
and eighty tons burden, nearly new; every thing strong and well fitted
about her, with a beautiful spacious flush-deck, surrounded by high
solid bulwarks. All the boats had disappeared; they might either have
been carried away by the crew, or washed overboard by the sea. Both
masts were gone about ten feet above the deck; which, with the whole of
their spars and canvass, and the wreck of the bowsprit, were lumbering
and rattling against the lee-side of the vessel, and splashing about in
the broken water, being still attached to the hull by the standing
rigging, no part of which had been cut away. The mainsail, foresail,
fore-topsail, fore-staysail, and jib were all set, so she must most
likely have gone on the reef, either under a press of canvass in the
night, in ignorance of its vicinity, or by missing stays.
She lay on her beam-ends across the coral rock, on which there was
about three feet water where shallowest, and had fallen over to leeward,
presenting her starboard broadside to the sea, which surged along it in
a slanting direction, while the lee gunwale was under water. The
boiling white breakers were dashing right against her bows, lifting them
up with every send, and thundering them down again against the flint--
hard coral spikes, with a loud gritting rumble; while every now and then
the sea made a fair breach over them, flashing up over the whole deck
aft to the tafferel in a snow storm of frothy flakes. Forward in the
bows there lay, in one horrible fermenting and putrefying mass, the
carcasses of about twenty bullocks, part of her deck-load of cattle,
rotted into one hideous lump, with the individual bodies of the poor
brutes almost obliterated and undistinguishable, while streams of
decomposed animal matter were ever and anon flowing down to leeward,
although as often washed away by the hissing waters. But how shall I
describe the scene of horror that presented itself in the after part of
the vessel, under the lee of the weather-bulwarks!
There, lashed to the ring-bolts, and sheltered from the sun and sea, by
a piece of canvass, stretched across a broken oar, lay, more than half
naked, the dead bodies of an elderly female, and three young women; one
of the latter with two lifeless children fastened by handkerchiefs to
her waist, while each of the other two had the corpse of an infant
firmly clasped in her arms.
It was the dry season, and as they lay right in the wake of the windward
ports, exposed to a thorough draft of air, and were defended from the
sun and the spray, no putrefaction had taken place; the bodies looked
like mummies, the shrunken muscles, and wasted features, being covered
with a dry horny skin, like parchment; even the eyes remained full and
round, as if they had been covered over with a hard dim scale.
On looking down into the steerage, we saw another corpse, that of a tall
young slip of a Spanish girl, surging about in the water, which reached
nearly to the deck, with her long black hair floating and spread out all
over her neck and bosom, but it was so offensive and decayed, that we
were glad to look another way. There was no male corpse to be seen,
which, coupled with the absence of the boats, evinced but too clearly
that the crew had left the females, with their helpless infants, on the
wreck to perish. There was a small roundhouse on the after-part of the
deck, in which we found three other women alive, but wasted to
skeletons. We took them into the boat, but one died in getting her over
the side; the other two we got on board, and I am glad to say that they
both recovered. For two days neither could speak; there seemed to be
some rigidity about the throat and mouth that prevented them; but at
length the youngest--(the other was her servant)--a very handsome woman,
became strong enough to tell us, “that it was the schooner Caridad that
we had boarded, bound from Rio de la Hache to Savana la Mar, where she
was to have discharged her deck-load of cattle, and afterwards to have
proceeded to Batabano, in Cuba. She had struck, as I surmised, in the
night, about a fortnight before we fell in with her; and next morning,
the crew and male passengers took to the boats, which with difficulty
contained them, leaving the women under a promise to come back that
evening, with assistance from the shore, but they never appeared, nor
were they ever after heard of.” And here the poor thing cried as if her
heart would break. “Even my own Juan, my husband, left me and my child
to perish on the wreck. Oh God! Oh God! I could not have left him--I
could not have left him.”
There had been three families on board, with their servants, who were
emigrating to Cuba, all of whom had been abandoned by the males, who, as
already related, must in all human probability have perished after their
unmanly desertion. As the whole of the provisions were under water, and
could not be got at, the survivors had subsisted on raw flesh so long as
they had strength to cut it, or power to swallow it; what made the poor
creature tell it, I cannot imagine, if it were not to give the most
vivid picture possible, in her conception, of their loneliness and
desolation, but she said, “no sea-bird even ever came near us.”
It were harrowing to repeat the heart-rendering description given by
her, of the sickening of the heart when the first night fell, and still
no tidings of the boats; the second sun set--still the horizon was
speckless; the next dreary day wore to an end, and three innocent
helpless children were dead corpses; on the fourth, madness seized on
their mothers, and--but I will not dwell on such horrors.
During these manifold goings and comings I naturally enlarged the circle
of my acquaintance in the island, especially in Kingston, the mercantile
capital; and often does my heart glow within me, when the scenes I have
witnessed in that land of fun and fever rise up before me after the
lapse of many years, under the influence of a good fire and a glass of
old Madeira. Take the following sample of Jamaica High Jinks as one of
many. On a certain occasion I had gone to dine with Mr Isaac Shingle,
and extensive American merchant, and a most estimable man, who
considerately sent his gig down to the wherry wharf for me. At six
o’clock I arrived at my friend’s mansion, situated in the upper part of
the town, a spacious one-story house, overshadowed by two fine old
trees, and situated back from the street about ten yards; the
intervening space being laid out in a beautiful little garden, raised
considerably above the level of the adjoining thoroughfare, from which
it was divided by a low parapet wall, surmounted by a green painted
wooden railing. There was a flight of six brick steps from the street
to the garden, and you ascended from the latter to the house itself,
which was raised on brick pillars a fathom high, by another stair of
eight, broad marble slabs. The usual verandah, or piazza, ran along the
whole front, beyond which you entered a large and lofty, but very
darksome hall, answering to our European drawing room into which the
bedrooms opened on each side. It did strike me at first as odd, that
the principal room in the house should be a dark dungeon of a place,
with nothing but borrowed lights, until I again recollected that
darkness and coolness were convertible terms within the tropics.
Advancing through this room you entered, by a pair of folding doors, on
a very handsome dining room, situated in what I believe is called a back
jamb, a sort of outrigger to the house, fitted all round with movable
blinds, or jealousies, and open like a lantern to all the winds of
heaven except the west, in which direction the main body of the house
warded off the sickening beams of the setting sun. And how sickening
they are, let the weary sentries under the pillars of the Jamaica
viceroy’s house in Spanish Town tell, reflected as they were there from
the hot brick walls of the palace.
This room again communicated with the back yard, in which the negro
houses, kitchen, and other offices were situated, by a wooden stair of
the same elevation as that in front. Here the table was laid for
dinner, covered with the finest diaper, and snow-white napkins, and
silver wine-coolers, and silver forks, and fine steel, and cut glass,
and cool green finger-glasses with lime leaves floating within, and
tall wax lights shaded from the breeze in thin glass barrels, and an
epergne filled with flowers, with a fragrant fresh-gathered lime in
each of the small leaf-like branches, and salt-cellars with red
peppers in them, &c. &c. all of which made the tout ensemble the most
captivating imaginable to a hungry man.
I found a large party assembled in the piazza and the dark hall, to whom
I was introduced in due form. In Jamaica, of all countries I ever was
in, it is a most difficult matter for a stranger to ascertain the real
names of the guests at a bachelor dinner like the present, where all the
parties were intimate--there were so many soubriquets amongst them; for
instance, a highly respectable merchant of the place, with some fine
young women for daughters, by the way, from the peculiarity of a
prominent front tooth, was generally known as the Grand Duke of Tuscany;
while an equally respectable elderly man, with a slight touch of
paralysis in his head, was christened Old Steady in the West, because he
never kept his head still; so, whether some of the names of the present
party were real or fictitious, I really cannot tell.
First, there was Mr Seco, a very neat gentlemanlike little man,
perfectly well bred, and full of French phrases. Then came Mr Eschylus
Stave, a tall, raw-boned, well-informed personage; a bit of a quiz on
occasion, but withal a pleasant fellow. Mr Isaac Shingle, mine host, a
sallow, sharp, hatchet-faced, small, but warm hearted and kind, as I
often experienced during my sojourn in the west, only sometimes a little
peppery and argumentative. Then came Mr Jacob Bumble, a sleek fat--
pated Scotchman. Next I was introduced to Mr Alonzo Smoothpate, a very
handsome fellow, with an uncommon share of natural good-breeding and
politeness. Again I clapper-clawed, according to the fashion of the
country, a violent shake of the paw being the Jamaica investment to
acquaintanceship, with Mr Percales, whom I took for a foreign Jew
somehow or other at first, from his uncommon name, until I heard him
speak, and perceived he was an Englishman; indeed, his fresh complexion,
very neat person, and gentlemanlike deportment, when I had time to
reflect, would of themselves have disconnected him from all kindred with
the sons of Levi. Then came a long, dark-complexioned, curly-pated
slip of a lad, with white teeth and high strongly marked features,
considerably pitted with small-pox. He seemed the great promoter of
fun and wickedness in the party, and was familiarly addressed as the
Don, although I believe his real name was Mr Lucifer Longtram. Then
there was Mr Aspen Tremble, a fresh-looking, pleasant, well informed
man, but withal a little nervous, his cheeks quivering when he spoke
like shapes of calf’s foot jelly; after him came an exceedingly polite
old gentleman, wearing hair-powder and a queue, ycleped Nicodemus; and
a very devil of a little chap, of the name of Rubiochico, a great ally
in wickedness with Master Longtram; the last in this eventful history
being a staid, sedate looking, elderly-young man, of the name of Onyx
Steady, an extensive foreign merchant, with a species of dry caustic
readiness about him that was dangerous enough.--We sat down, Isaac
Shingle doing the honours, confronted by Eschylus Stave, and all was
right, and smooth, and pleasant, and in no way different from a party
of well bred men in England.
When the second course appeared, I noticed that the blackie, who brought
in two nice tender little ducklings, with the concomitant green peas,
both just come in season, was chuckling, and grinning, and showing his
white teeth most vehemently, as he placed both dishes right under Jacob
Bumble’s nose. Shingle and Longtram exchanged looks. I saw there was
some mischief toward, and presently, as if by some preconcerted signal,
every body asked for duck, duck, duck. Bumble, with whom the dish was a
prime favourite, carved away with a most stern countenance, until he had
got half through the second bird, when some unpleasant recollection
seemed to come over him, and his countenance fell; and lying back on his
chair, he gave a deep sigh. But “Mr Bumble, that breast, if you please
thank you,”--“Mr Bumble, that back, if you please,” succeeded each
other rapidly, until all that remained of the last of the ducklings was
a beautiful little leg, which, under cover of the following story, Jacob
cannily smuggled on to his own plate.
“Why, gentlemen, a most remarkable circumstance happened to me while
dressing for dinner. You all know I am next door neighbour to our
friend Shingle--our premises being only divided by a brick wall, about
eight feet high. Well, my dressing room window looks out on this wall,
between which and the house, I have my duck pen....”
“Your what?” said I.
“My poultry yard--as I like to see the creatures fed myself--and I was
particularly admiring two beautiful ducklings which I had been carefully
fattening for a whole week”--(here our friend’s voice shook, and a tear
glistened in his eye)--“when first one and then another jumped out of
the little pond, and successively made a grab at something which I could
not see, and immediately began to shake their wings, and struggle with
their feet, as if they were dancing, until, as with one accord--deuce
take me!”--(here he almost blubbered aloud)--“if they did not walk up
the brick wall with all the deliberation in the world, merely helping
themselves over the top by a small flaff of their wings; and where they
have gone, none of Shingle’s people know.”
“I’ll trouble you for that leg, Julius,” said Longtram, at this
juncture, to a servant, who whipped away the plate from under Bumble’s
arm, before he could prevent him, who looked after it as if it had been
a pound of his own flesh. It seemed that Longtram, who had arrived
rather early, had found a fishing-tackle in the piazza, and knowing the
localities of Bumble’s premises, as well as his peculiarities, he, by
way of adding his quota to the entertainment, baited two hooks with
pieces of raw potatoes, and throwing them over the wall, had, in
conjunction with Julius the black, hooked up the two ducklings out of
the pen, to the amazement of Squire Bumble.
By and by, as the evening wore on, I saw the Longtram lad making
demonstrations to bring on a general drink, in which he was nobly
seconded by Rubiochico; and, I grieve to say it, I was no ways loath,
nor indeed were any of the company.--There had been a great deal of
mirth and frolic during dinner,--all within proper bounds, however,--but
as the night made upon us, we set more sail--more, as it turned out,
than some of us had ballast for--when lo! towards ten of the clock, up
started Mr Eschylus to give us a speech. His seat was at the bottom of
the table, with the back of his chair close to the door that opened into
the yard; and after he had got his breath out, on I forget what topic;
he sat down, and lay back on his balanced chair, stretching out his long
legs with great complacency. However, they did not prove a sufficient
counterpoise to his very square shoulders, which, obeying the laws of
gravitation, destroyed his equilibrium, and threw him a somersault, when
exit Eschylus Stave, esquire, head foremost, with a formidable rumble
tumble and hurry--scurry, down the back steps, his long shanks
disappearing last, and clipping between us, and the bright moon like a
pair of flails.
However, there was no damage done; and, after a good laugh, Stave’s own
being loudest of all, the Don and Rubiochico righted him, and helped him
once more into his chair.
Jacob Bumble now favoured us with a song, that sounded as if he had been
barrelled up in a puncheon, and was cantando through the bunghole; then
Rubiochico sang, and the Don sang, and we all sang and bumpered away;
and Mr Seco got on the table, and gave us the newest quadrille step;
and, in fine, we were all becoming dangerously drunk. Longtram,
especially, had become uproarious beyond all bounds, and, getting up
from his chair, he took a short run of a step or two, and sprang right
over the table, whereby he smashed the epergne full of fruit and
flowers, scattering the contents all about like hail, and driving a
volley of preserved limes like grapeshot, in all their syrup and
stickiness, slap into my face--a stray one spinning with a sloppy whit
into Jacob Bumble’s open mouth as he sang, like a musket-ball into a
winter turnip; while a fine preserved pineapple flew bash on Isaac
Shingle’s sharp snout, like the bursting of a shrapnel shell.
“D----n it,” hiccuped Shingle, “wont stand this any longer, by JuJu
jupiter! Give over your practicals, Lucifer. Confound it, Don, give
over--do, now, you mad long legged son of a gun!”--Here the Don caught
Shingle round the waist, and whipping him bodily out of his chair,
carried him kicking and spurring into the hall, now well lit up, and
laid him on a sofa, and then returning, coolly installed himself in his
seat.
In a little we heard the squeaking of a pig in the street, and our
friend Shingle’s voice high in oath. I sallied forth to see the cause of
the uproar, and found our host engaged in single combat with a drawn
sword-stick that sparkled blue and bright in the moonbeam, his
antagonist being a strong porker that he had taken for a town guard, and
had hemmed into a corner formed by the stair and the garden wall, which,
on being pressed, made a dash between his spindleshanks, and fairly
capsized him into my arms. I carried him back to his couch again; and,
thinking it was high time to be off, as I saw that Smoothpate, and
Steady, and Nicodemus, and the more composed part of the company, had
already absconded, I seized my hat, and made sail in the direction of
the former’s house, where I was to sleep, when that devil Longtram made
up to me.
“Hillo, my little man of war--heave-to a bit, and take me with you.
Why what is that? what the deuce is that?” We were at this time
staggering along under the dark piazza of a long line of low wooden
houses, every now and then thundering against the thin boards or
bulkheads that constituted the side next the street, making, as we could
distinctly hear, the inmates start and snort in the inside, as they
turned themselves in their beds. In the darkest part of the piazza,
there was the figure of a man in the attitude of a telescope levelled on
its stand, with its head, as it were, counter-sunk or morticed into the
wooden partition. Tipsy as we both were, we stopped in great surprise.
“D--n it, Cringle,” said the Don, his philosophy utterly at fault, “the
trunk of a man without a head,--how is this?”
“Why, Mr Longtram,” I replied, “this is our friend Mr Smoothpate, or I
mistake greatly.”
“Let me see,” said Longtram,--“if it be him, he used to have a head
somewhere, I know.--Let me see.--Oh, it is him; you are right, my boy;
and here is his head after all, and a devil of a size it has grown to
since dinner-time to be sure.--But I know his features bald pate--high
forehead and cheekbones.”
Nota Bene. We were still in the piazza, where Smoothpate was
unquestionably present in the body, but the head was within the house,
and altogether, as I can avouch, beyond the Don’s ken.
“Where?” said I, groping about--“very odd, for deuce take me if I can
see his head.--Why, he has none--a phenomenon--four legs and a tail, but
no head, as I am a gentleman--lively enough, too, he is, don’t seem to
miss it much.” Here poor Smoothpate made a violent walloping in a vain
attempt to disentangle himself.
We could now hear shouts of laughter within, and a voice that I was sure
belonged to Mr Smoothpate, begging to be released from the pillory he
had placed himself in by removing a board in the wooden partition, and
sliding it up, and then thrusting his caput from without into the
interior of the house, to the no small amazement of the brown fiddler
and his daughter who inhabited the same, and who had immediately secured
their prize by slipping the displaced board down again, wedging it
firmly on the back of his neck, as if he had been fitted for the
guillotine, thus nailing him fast, unless he had bolted, and left his
head in pawn.
We now entered, and perceived it was really Don Alonzo’s flushed but
very handsome countenance that was grinning at us from where it was
fixed, like a large peony rose stuck against the wall. After a hearty
laugh we relieved him, and being now joined by Percales, who came up in
his gig, with Mr Smoothpate’s following in his wake, we embarked for an
airing at half-past one in the morning--Smoothpate and Percales,
Longtram and Tom Cringle. Amongst other exploits, we broke into a
proscribed conventicle of drunken negroes--but I am rather ashamed of
this part of the transaction, and intended to have held my tongue, had
Aaron managed his, although it was notorious as the haunt of all the
thieves and slight ladies of the place; here we found parson Charley, a
celebrated black preacher, three parts drunk, extorting, as Mawworm
says, a number of devotees, male and female, all very tipsy, in a most
blasphemous fashion, the table being covered with rummers of punch, and
fragments of pies and cold meat; but this did not render our conduct
more excusable, I will acknowledge. Finally, as a trophy, Percales, who
was a wickeder little chap than I took him for, with Longtram’s help,
unshipped the bell of the conventicle from the little belfry, and
fastening it below Smoothpate’s gig, we dashed back to Mr Shingle’s with
it clanging at every jolt. In our progress the horse took fright, and
ran away, and no wonder.
“Zounds, Don, the weather-rein has parted--what shall we do?” said I.
“Do?” rejoined Lucifer, with drunken gravity--“haul on the other, to be
sure--there is one left, an’t there?--so hard a-port, and run him up
against that gun at the street corner, will ye? That will stop him, or
the devil is in it.”
Crash--it was done--and over the horse’s ears we both flew like
skyrockets; but, strange to tell, although we had wedged the wheel of
the ketureen fast as a wreck on a reef, with the cannon that was stuck
into the ground postwise between it and the body, there was no damage
done beyond the springing of the starboard shaft, so, with the
assistance of the negro servant, who had been thrown from his perch
behind, by a shock that frightened him out of his wits, we hove the
voiture off again, and arrived in safety at friend Shingle’s once more.
Here we found the table set out with devilled turkey, and a variety of
high-spiced dishes; and, to make a long story short, we had another set
to, during which, as an interlude, Longtram capsized Shingle out of the
sofa he had again lain down on, in an attempt to jump over it, and broke
his arm; and, being the soberest man of the company, I started off,
guided by a negro servant, for Doctor Greyfriars. On our return, the
first thing that met our eyes was the redoubted Don himself, lying on
his back where he had fallen at his leap, with his head over the step at
the door of the piazza. I thought his neck was broken; and the doctor,
considering that he was the culprit to be carved, forthwith had him
carried in, his coat taken off, and was about striking a phleme into
him, when Isaac’s voice sounded from the inner apartment, where he had
lain all the while below the sofa like a crushed frog, the party in the
background, who were boosing away, being totally unconscious of his
mishap, as they sat at table in the room beyond, enjoying themselves,
impressed apparently with the belief that the whole affair was a lark.
“Doctor, doctor,” shouted he in great pain,--“here, here--it is me that
is murdered--that chap is only dead drunk, but I am really dead, or will
be, if you don’t help.”
At length the arm was set, and Shingle put to bed, and the whole crew
dispersed themselves, each moving off as well as he could towards his
own home.
But the cream of the jest was richest next day. Parson Charley, who,
drunk as he had been overnight, still retained a confused recollection
of the parties who had made the irruption, in the morning applied to Mr
Smoothpate to have his bell restored, when the latter told him, with the
utmost gravity, that Mr Onyx Steady was the culprit, who, by the by, had
disappeared from Shingle’s before the bell interlude, and, in fact, was
wholly ignorant of the transaction. “Certainly,” quoth Smoothpate, with
the greatest seriousness, “a most unlikely person, I will confess,
Charley, as he is a grave, respectable man; still, you know, the most
demure cats sometimes steal cream, Charley; so, parson, my good man, Mr
Onyx Steady has your bell, and no one else.”
Whereupon, away trudged Charley to Mr Steady’s warehouse, pulling off
his hat with a formal salaam, “Good Massa Onyx--sweet Massa Teady--pray
give me de bell.” Here the sable clerigo gathered himself up, and leant
composedly on his long staff, hat still in hand, and ear turned towards
Mr Steady, awaiting his answer.
“Bell!” ejaculated Steady, in great amazement,--“bell! what bell?”
“Oh, good, sweet Massa Onyx, dear Massa Onyx Teady, every body know you
good person--quiet, wise somebody you is--all person sabe dat,” whined
Charley; then slipping near our friend, he whispered to him--“but de
best of we lob bit of fon now and dende best of we lef to himshef
sometime.”
“Confound the fellow!” quoth Onyx, rather pushed off his balance by such
an unlooked--for attack before his clerks; “get out of my house, sir
what the mischief do I know of you or your infernal bell? I wish the
tongue of it was in your stomach--get out, sir, away with you.”
Charley could stand this no longer, and losing patience, “D--n me eye,
you is de tief, sir--so give me de bell, Massa Teady, or I sall pull you
go before de Mayor, Massa Teady, and you sall be shame, Massa Teady; and
it may be you sall be export to de Bay of Honduras, Massa Teady. Aha,
how you will like dat, Massa Teady? you sall be export may be for break
into chapel, during sarvice, and teal bell--aha, teal bell--who ever
yeerie one crime equal to dat!”
“My good man,” quoth Onyx, who now felt the absurdity of the affair, “I
know nothing of all this--believe me there is a mistake. Who sent you
here?”
“Massa Smoothpate,” roared Charley, “Massa Smoothpate, he who neber tell
lie to nobody, Massa Smoothpate sent me, sir, so de debil if you no give
up de bell I sall....”
“Mr Smoothpate--oh ho!” sung out Steady, ‘I see, I see’--Finally the
affair was cleared up, a little hush-money made him snug, and Charley
having got back his instrument, bore no malice, so he and Steady resumed
their former friendly footing--the “statu quo ante bellum.”
Another story and I have done.
About a week after this, several of the same party again met at dinner,
when my excellent friend Mr Nicodemus amused us exceedingly by the
following story, which, for want of a better title, I shall relate under
the head of:
A Slippery Youth
“We all know,” quoth old Nic, “that house robberies have been very rife
of late, and on peril even of having the laugh against me, I will tell
you how I suffered, no longer than three nights ago; so, Tom Cringle,
will you and Bang have the charity to hold your tongues, and be
instructed?
“Old Gelid, Longtram, Steady, and myself, had been eating ratoons, at
the Fortner’s domicile, and it was about nine in the evening when I got
home. We had taken next to no wine, a pint of Madeira apiece during
dinner, and six bottles of claret between us afterwards, so I went to
bed as cool as a cucumber, and slept soundly for several hours, until
awakened by my old gander--now do be quiet, Cringle--by my old watchman
of a gander, cackling like a hero. I struck my repeater--half past one
so I turned myself, and was once more falling over into the arms of
Morpheus, when I thought I saw some dark object flit silently across the
open window that looks into the piazza, between me and the deep blue and
as yet moonless sky. This somewhat startled me, but it might have been
one of the servants. Still I got up and looked out, but I could see
nothing. It did certainly strike me once or twice, that there was some
dark object cowering in the deep gloom caused by the shade of the orange
tree at the end of the piazza, but I persuaded myself it was fancy, and
once more slipped into my nest. However, the circumstance had put sleep
to flight. Half an hour might have passed, and the deep dark purity of
the eastern sky was rapidly quickening into a greenish azure, the
forerunner of the rising moon,” (“oh, confound your poetry,” said
Rubiochico,) “which was fast swamping the sparkling stars, like a bright
river flowing over diamonds, when the old gander again set up his
gabblement and trumpeted more loudly than before. ‘If you were not so
tough, my noisy old cock’--thought I--‘next Michaelmas should be your
last.’ So I now resolutely shut my eyes, and tried to sleep
perforce, in which usually fruitless attempt, I was actually beginning
to succeed, do you know, when a strong odour of palm oil came through
the window, and on opening my eyes, I saw by the increasing light a
naked negro standing at it, with his head and shoulders in sharp relief
against the pale broad disk of the moon, at that moment just peering
over the dark summit of the Long mountain.
“I rubbed my eyes, and looked again; the dark figure was still there,
but as if aware that some one was on the watch, it gradually sank down,
until nothing but the round bullet head appeared above the window sill.
This was trying enough, but I made an effort, and lay still. The
stratagem succeeded; the figure, deceived by my feigned snoring and
quietude, slowly rose, and once more stood erect. Presently it slipped
one foot into the room, and then another, but so noiselessly that when I
saw the black figure standing before me on the floor, I had some
misgivings as to its being really a being of this world. However, I had
small space for speculation, when it slid past the foot of the bed
towards my open bureau--I seized the opportunity--started up--turned the
key of the door--and planted myself right between the thief and the open
window. ‘Now, you scoundrel, surrender, or I will murder you on the
spot.’ I had scarcely spoken the word, when with the speed of light, the
fellow threw himself on me--we closed--I fell--when, clip, he slipped
through my fingers like an eel--bolted through the window--cleared the
balcony at a bound, and disappeared. The thief had stripped himself as
naked as he was born, and soaped his woolly scull, and smeared his whole
corpus with palm oil, so that in the struggle I was charmingly
lubricated.”
Nicodemus here lay back on his chair, evidently desirous of our
considering this the whole of the story, but he was not to be let off so
easily, for presently Longtram, with a wicked twinkle of his eye, chimed
in.
“Ay, and what happened next, old Nic--did nothing follow, eh?”
Nic’s countenance assumed an irresolute expression; he saw he was jammed
up in the wind, so at a venture he determined to sham deafness.
“Take wine, Lucifer--a glass of Hermitage?”
“With great pleasure,” said his Satanic majesty. The propitiatory
libation, however, did not work, for no sooner had his glass touched the
mahogany again, than he returned to the charge.
“Now, Mr Nicodemus, since you won’t, I will tell the company the reason
of so nice an old gentleman wearing Baltimore flour in his hair instead
of perfumed Mareschale powder, and none of the freshest either, let me
tell you; why, I have seen three weavels take flight from your august
pate since we sat down to dinner.”
Old Nic, seeing he was caught, met the attack with the greatest good
humour.
“Why, I will tell the whole truth, Lucifer, if you don’t bother.” (“The
devil thank you,” said Longtram.)--“So you must know,” continued
Nicodemus, “that I immediately roused the servants, searched the
premises in every direction without success--nothing could be seen; but,
at the suggestion of my valet, I lit a small spirit lamp, and placed it
on the table at my bed-side, on which it pleased him to place my brace
of Mantons, loaded with slug, and my naked small sword, so that, thought
I, if the thief ventures back, he shall not slip through my fingers
again so easily. I do confess that these imposing preparations did
appear to me somewhat preposterous, even at the time, as it was not, to
say the least of it, very probable that my slippery gentleman would
return the same night. However, my servant in his zeal was not to be
denied, and I was not so fit to judge as usual, from having missed my
customary quantity of wine after dinner the previous day; so, seeing all
right, I turned in, thus bristling like a porcupine, and slept soundly
until daylight, when I bethought me of getting up. I then rose-slipped
on my nightgown--and,”--here Nicodemus laughed more loudly than ever,
“as I am a gentleman, my spirit lamp--naked sword--loaded pistols--my
diamond breast-pin, and all my clothes, even unto my unmentionables,
had disappeared; but what was the cruelest cut of all, my box of
Mareschale powder, my patent puff, and all my pomade divine had also
vanished; and true enough, as Lucifer says, it so happened that from the
delay in the arrival of the running ships, there was not an ounce of
either powder or pomatum to be had in the whole town, so I have been
driven in my extremity--oh most horrible declension!--to keep my tail on
hog’s lard and Baltimore flour ever since.”
“Well but”--persisted Lucifer--“who the deuce was the man in the moon?
Come, tell us. And what has become of the queue you so tenderly
nourished, for you sport a crop, Master Nic, now, I perceive?”
Here Nicodemus was neither to hold nor to bind; he was absolutely
suffocating with laughter, as he shrieked out, with long intervals
between.
“Why, the robber was my own favourite body-servant, Crabclaw, after
all, and be d----d to him--the identical man who advised the warlike
demonstrations; and as for the pigtail, why, on the very second night of
the flour and grease, it was so cruelly damaged by a rat while I slept,
that I had to amputate the whole affair, stoop and roop, this very
morning.” And so saying, the excellent creature fell back in his chair,
like to choke from the uproariousness of his mirth, while the tears
streamed down his cheeks and washed channels in the flour, as if he had
been a tattooed Mandingo.