(_HOW TO EXORCISE, AFTER READING CORRESPONDENCE ON THE SUBJECT IN
SEVERAL "DAILIES."_)
_THE "WALKING-STICK AND UMBRELLA FIEND."_
[Illustration]
Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with
a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are
hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held
firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way.
In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob,
let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the
whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you,
you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing
instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes
involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your
removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for
your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to
your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course,
you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your
umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a
newly-patented principle.
_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_
This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to
purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure
boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight
miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will
find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially
if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital
"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to
get out of your way when it sees you coming.
_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_
Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several
fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and
unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at
either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially
arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only
overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in
the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You
have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to
comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of
the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that
you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.
There are other London fiends removable by various measures,
concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN "BREAKING IN" HIS
SHOOTING-BOOTS.]
* * * * *
"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly
says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says),
ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it
possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative
children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when
another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the
author of _Poems and Ballads?_
* * * * *
[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH.
(_As zey are Spoke at ze Country 'Ouse._)
_Hostess_. "OH--ER--J'ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY
VOTRE--VOTRE--ER--ER--VOTRE _COLLAR STUD_, BARRONG?"
_M. le Baron_. "OH, I ZANK YOU, YES! I FIND 'EEM ON MY _CHEST OF
TROWSERS_!"]
* * * * *
"AFTER YOU!"
["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are
mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons),
that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public
Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should
hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at
Stockton-on-Tees_.]
_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:--
Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self.
In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe.
If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf,
To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve.
But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so.
We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true.
When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low,
"After _you_!"
We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses
Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak.
Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess,
But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak;
And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge,
On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do.
"No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge'
"After _you_!"
Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee
The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR.
_He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed!
Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score?
Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench
On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who?
He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,--
"After _you_!"
Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn
As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G.,
With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn,
If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!"
He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism.
"Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!"
He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism,
"After _you_!"
And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee
To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in.
No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree
In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin,
Which "we do not understand," like that other little game
That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true.
But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame,
"After _you_!"
* * * * *
WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are
forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United
Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_
identical with "Untied."
* * * * *
"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED.
["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective
in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and
unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir
James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._]
And one lies here of whom the scoffer said,
He did his best the green churchyard to fill;
None ever looks upon his lowly bed,
Without the recollection of a pill.
He lived sequestered, and he died unknown,
A truly unsophisticated man;
A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone,
And thus the epitaph they graved him ran:
"Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more;
His charge was moderate, but quite enough:
Death left a last prescription at the door,
And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "AFTER YOU!"
"HE BELIEVED THAT EVERYONE OF THEM WOULD PREFER THAT SOMEONE ELSE
SHOULD HOLD THAT HIGH AND HONOURABLE OFFICE."--SIR MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH
_at Stockton-on-Tees_.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: WATER V. WINE. "HOLD! ENOUGH!"]
* * * * *