In view of the prevalence of colds and the varying counsels given to
their patients by our leading so-called healers, a mass meeting of
doctors and public men was recently convened, with the hope that some
useful results might follow.
None did.
The Chairman in his opening remarks said that colds were at once
the commonest complaints to which human beings were subject and the
least understood by the faculty. It was scandalous that so little
serious attention should be paid to them by physicians. A scientific
investigator should be as proud of discovering a preventive for colds
as a scheme of wireless telegraphy. But it was not so. Researchers
were applauded for compounding new and more deadly explosives and
poisonous gas, while the whole mystery of colds remained unplumbed.
The situation was scandalous. (Loud sneezes.)
Letters were read, among others, from Lord NORTHCLIFFE, Mr. SNOWDEN
and Sir JOHN SIMON, all saying that from recent experience they could
affirm that an equable cold temperature was conducive to the avoidance
of catarrh. In short, an excellent means of escaping cold was to be
out in the cold.
A representative of the Board of Trade said that all that was
necessary to avoid colds was to keep fit and not approach infection.
Having offered this very practical advice the speaker gathered up his
papers and left the room.
Sir Septicus Jermyn, the famous physician, urged that the best
preventive for colds was to keep warm. One should wear plenty of thick
clothing and especially cover the neck and throat. A respirator was an
excellent thing. He even went so far as to recommend earflaps to his
patients, with beneficial results. A night-cap was also a great help.
Sir Eufus Hardy, the famous physician, protested that colds were for
the most part negligible. People took them much too seriously. The
best treatment was to be Spartan--wear the lightest clothes, abjure
mufflers, and, whenever you could find a draught, sit in it.
Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that all this cold-catching was nonsense. He
personally had never had a cold in his life. And why? Because he lived
healthily; he wore natural wool, retained his beard, ate no meat and
drank no wine. Lunatics who wore fancy tweeds, shaved, devoured their
fellow-creatures and imbibed poisonous acids were bound to catch cold.
Resuming his Jaeger halo, Mr. SHAW then left.
Sir Bluffon Gay, the famous physician, stated that in his experience
colds were necessary evils which often served useful ends in clearing
the system. For that reason he was against any treatment that served
to stop them. The "instantaneous cold cures" which were advertised so
freely filled him with suspicion. Colds should be unfettered.
Mr. Le Hay Fevre, K.C., representing the Ancient Order of
Haberdashers, said that he was in entire agreement with the last
speaker. Colds should be allowed to take their course. Nothing was
so bad as to check them.
Sir Romeo Path, the famous physician, asserted that colds were far
more serious things than people thought. As a matter of fact there
was no such thing as a cold pure and simple; colds were invariably
manifestations of other and deeper trouble. His own specific was a
long period of complete rest and careful but not meagre dieting,
followed by change of air, if necessary travel to the South of France.
(Loud coughs and cheers.)
Mr. Bolus, K.C., representing the Chemists and Druggists' Union, said
that it was felt very strongly that the seriousness of colds should
not be minimised, but that foreign travel was an error. No malady was
so much helped by the timely and constant employment of remedies at
home. He trusted that the remarks of the last speaker would speedily
be contradicted by a competent authority.
Sir Consul Tait, the famous physician, held that alcohol was the
greatest provocative of colds; aspirin was their greatest enemy.
Sir Tablloyd George, the famous physician, observed that a glass
of hot whisky and lemon-juice on going to bed was a sovran remedy.
Aspirin was to be avoided, but quinine had its uses.
Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT said that probably no one knew more about the way
that other people should behave than he did. He had written twelve
manuals on the subject and intended to write twenty-six more, by which
time he would have covered the whole field of human endeavour. Any one
who had read his book, _The Plain Man and his Wife and their Plainer
Children_, would remember that one chapter was devoted to the cause,
evasion and cure of colds. He would not at the moment say more than
that the work was procurable at all bookshops. He should like to
address the meeting at fuller length, but as he was suffering from a
very stubborn cold he must hurry back to bed.
Mr. H.G. WELLS remarked that he always found that the best corrective
for a cold was to write another novel of modern domestic life. He had
even heard of the perusal of some of his novels as a substitute for
coal.
Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so
efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the
habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free
from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace
Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers.
Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no
sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed.
Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention,
and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a
cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation.
The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our
reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S
remarks, took his departure.
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[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour
party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T
THEY?"
_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY
USED TO."]
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