Let me perish if I know what to make either of myself or of this
surprising creature—now calm, now tempestuous.—But I know thou lovest
not anticipation any more than I.
At my repeated requests, she met me at six this morning.
She was ready dressed; for she had not her clothes off every since she
declared, that they never more should be off in this house. And
charmingly she looked, with all the disadvantages of a three-hours
violent stomach-ache—(for Dorcas told me that she had been really
ill)—no rest, and eyes red and swelled with weeping. Strange to me that
those charming fountains have not been so long ago exhausted! But she
is a woman. And I believe anatomists allow, that women have more watry
heads than men.
Well, my dearest creature, I hope you have now thoroughly considered of
the contents of Captain Tomlinson’s letter. But as we are thus early
met, let me beseech you to make this my happy day.
She looked not favourably upon me. A cloud hung upon her brow at her
entrance: but as she was going to answer me, a still greater solemnity
took possession of her charming features.
Your air, and your countenance, my beloved creature, are not propitious
to me. Let me beg of you, before you speak, to forbear all further
recriminations: for already I have such a sense of my vileness to you,
that I know not how to bear the reproaches of my own mind.
I have been endeavouring, said she, since I am not permitted to avoid
you, to obtain a composure which I never more expected to see you in.
How long I may enjoy it, I cannot tell. But I hope I shall be enabled
to speak to you without that vehemence which I expressed yesterday, and
could not help it.*
* The Lady, in her minutes, says, ‘I fear Dorcas is a false one. May I
not be able to prevail upon him to leave me at my liberty? Better to
try than to trust to her. If I cannot prevail, but must meet him and my
uncle, I hope I shall have fortitude enough to renounce him then. But I
would fain avoid qualifying with the wretch, or to give him an
expectation which I intend not to answer. If I am mistress of my own
resolutions, my uncle himself shall not prevail with me to bind my soul
in covenant with so vile a man.’
After a pause (for I was all attention) thus she proceeded:
It is easy for me, Mr. Lovelace, to see that further violences are
intended me, if I comply not with your purposes, whatever they are, I
will suppose them to be what you solemnly profess they are. But I have
told you as solemnly my mind, that I never will, that I never can be
your’s; nor, if so, any man’s upon earth. All vengeance, nevertheless,
for the wrongs you have done me, I disclaim. I want but to slide into
some obscure corner, to hide myself from you and from every one who
once loved me. The desire lately so near my heart, of a reconciliation
with my friends, is much abated. They shall not receive me now, if they
would. Sunk in mine own eyes, I now think myself unworthy of their
favour. In the anguish of my soul, therefore, I conjure you, Lovelace,
[tears in her eyes,] to leave me to my fate. In doing so, you will give
me a pleasure the highest I now can know.