Durst ever see a license, Jack?
‘Edmund, by divine permission, Lord Bishop of London, to our
well-beloved in Christ, Robert Lovelace, [your servant, my good Lord!
What have I done to merit so much goodness, who never saw your Lordship
in my life?] of the parish of St. Martin’s in the Fields, bachelor, and
Clarissa Harlowe, of the same parish, spinster, sendeth
greeting.—WHEREAS ye are, as is alleged, determined to enter into the
holy state of Matrimony [this is only alleged, thou observest] by and
with the consent of, &c. &c. &c. and are very desirous of obtaining
your marriage to be solemnized in the face of the church: We are
willing that your honest desires [honest desires, Jack!] may more
speedily have their due effect: and therefore, that ye may be able to
procure such Marriage to be freely and lawfully solemnized in the
parish church of St. Martin’s in the Fields, or St. Giles’s in the
Fields, in the county of Middlesex, by the Rector, Vicar, or Curate
thereof, at any time of the year, [at ANY time of the year, Jack!]
without publication of bans: Provided, that by reason of any
pre-contract, [I verily think that I have had three or four
pre-contracts in my time; but the good girls have not claimed upon them
of a long while,] consanguinity, affinity, or any other lawful cause
whatsoever, there be no lawful impediment on this behalf; and that
there be not at this time any action, suit, plaint, quarrel, or demand,
moved or depending before any judge ecclesiastical or temporal, for or
concerning any marriage contracted by or with either of you; and that
the said marriage be openly solemnized in the church above-mentioned,
between the hours of eight and twelve in the forenoon; and without
prejudice to the minister of the place where the said woman is a
parishioner: We do hereby, for good causes, [it cost me—let me see,
Jack—what did it cost me?] give and grant our License, as well to you
as to the parties contracting, as to the Rector, Vicar, or Curate of
the said church, where the said marriage is intended to be solemnized,
to solemnize the same, in manner and form above specified, according to
the rites and ceremonies prescribed in the Book of Common Prayer in
that behalf published by authority of Parliament. Provided always, that
if hereafter any fraud shall appear to have been committed, at the time
of granting this License, either by false suggestions, or concealment
of the truth, [now this, Belford, is a little hard upon us; for I
cannot say that every one of our suggestions is literally true:—so, in
good conscience, I ought not to marry under this License;] the License
shall be void to all intents and purposes, as if the same had not been
granted. And in that case we do inhibit all ministers whatsoever, if
any thing of the premises shall come to their knowledge, from
proceeding to the celebration of the said Marriage; without first
consulting Us, or our Vicar-general. Given,’ &c.
Then follow the register’s name, and a large pendent seal, with these
words round it—SEAL OF THE VICAR-GENERAL AND OFFICIAL PRINCIPAL OF THE
DIOCESE OF LONDON.
A good whimsical instrument, take it altogether! But what, thinkest
thou, are the arms to this matrimonial harbinger?—Why, in the first
place, two crossed swords; to show that marriage is a state of offence
as well as defence; three lions; to denote that those who enter into
the state ought to have a triple proportion of courage. And [couldst
thou have imagined that these priestly fellows, in so solemn a case,
would cut their jokes upon poor souls who came to have their honest
desires put in a way to be gratified;] there are three crooked horns,
smartly top-knotted with ribands; which being the ladies’ wear, seem to
indicate that they may very probably adorn, as well as bestow, the
bull’s feather.
To describe it according to heraldry art, if I am not mistaken—gules,
two swords, saltire-wise, or; second coat, a chevron sable between
three bugle-horns, OR [so it ought to be]: on a chief of the second,
three lions rampant of the first—but the devil take them for their
hieroglyphics, should I say, if I were determined in good earnest to
marry!
And determined to marry I would be, were it not for this consideration,
that once married, and I am married for life.
That’s the plague of it!—Could a man do as the birds do, change every
Valentine’s day, [a natural appointment! for birds have not the sense,
forsooth, to fetter themselves, as we wiseacre men take great and
solemn pains to do,] there would be nothing at all in it. And what a
glorious time would the lawyers have, on the one hand, with their
_noverini universi’s_, and suits commenceable on restitution of goods
and chattels; and the parsons, on the other, with their indulgencies
[renewable annually, as other licenses] to the honest desires of their
clients?
Then, were a stated mullet, according to rank or fortune, to be paid on
every change, towards the exigencies of the state [but none on renewals
with the old lives, for the sake of encouraging constancy, especially
among the _minores_] the change would be made sufficiently difficult,
and the whole public would be the better for it; while those children,
which the parents could not agree about maintaining, might be
considered as the children of the public, and provided for like the
children of the antient Spartans; who were (as ours would in this case
be) a nation of heroes. How, Jack, could I have improved upon
Lycurgus’s institutions had I been a lawgiver!
Did I never show thee a scheme which I drew up on such a notion as
this?—In which I demonstrated the conveniencies, and obviated the
inconveniencies, of changing the present mode to this? I believe I
never did.
I remember I proved to a demonstration, that such a change would be a
mean of annihilating, absolutely annihilating, four or five very
atrocious and capital sins.—Rapes, vulgarly so called; adultery, and
fornication; nor would polygamy be panted after. Frequently would it
prevent murders and duelling; hardly any such thing as jealousy (the
cause of shocking violences) would be heard of: and hypocrisy between
man and wife be banished the bosoms of each. Nor, probably, would the
reproach of barrenness rest, as it now too often does, where it is
least deserved.—Nor would there possibly be such a person as a barren
woman.
Moreover, what a multitude of domestic quarrels would be avoided, where
such a scheme carried into execution? Since both sexes would bear with
each other, in the view that they could help themselves in a few
months.
And then what a charming subject for conversation would be the gallant
and generous last partings between man and wife! Each, perhaps, a new
mate in eye, and rejoicing secretly in the manumission, could afford to
be complaisantly sorrowful in appearance. ‘He presented her with this
jewel, it will be said by the reporter, for example sake: she him with
that. How he wept! How she sobb’d! How they looked after one another!’
Yet, that’s the jest of it, neither of them wishing to stand another
twelvemonth’s trial.
And if giddy fellows, or giddy girls, misbehave in a first marriage,
whether from noviceship, having expected to find more in the matter
than can be found; or from perverseness on her part, or positiveness on
his, each being mistaken in the other [a mighty difference, Jack, in
the same person, an inmate or a visiter]; what a fine opportunity will
each have, by this scheme, of recovering a lost character, and of
setting all right in the next adventure?
And, O Jack! with what joy, with what rapture, would the changelings
(or changeables, if thou like that word better) number the weeks, the
days, the hours, as the annual obligation approached to its desirable
period!
As for the spleen or vapours, no such malady would be known or heard
of. The physical tribe would, indeed, be the sufferers, and the only
sufferers; since fresh health and fresh spirits, the consequences of
sweet blood and sweet humours (the mind and body continually pleased
with each other) would perpetually flow in; and the joys of
expectation, the highest of all our joys, would invigorate and keep all
alive.
But, that no body of men might suffer, the physicians, I thought, might
turn parsons, as there would be a great demand for parsons. Besides, as
they would be partakers in the general benefit, they must be sorry
fellows indeed if they preferred themselves to the public.
Every one would be married a dozen times at least. Both men and women
would be careful of their characters and polite in their behaviour, as
well as delicate in their persons, and elegant in their dress, [a great
matter each of these, let me tell thee, to keep passion alive,] either
to induce a renewal with the old love, or to recommend themselves to a
new. While the newspapers would be crowded with paragraphs; all the
world their readers, as all the world would be concerned to see who and
who’s together—
‘Yesterday, for instance, entered into the holy state of matrimony,’
[we should all speak reverently of matrimony, then,] ‘the right
Honourable Robert Earl Lovelace’ [I shall be an earl by that time,]
‘with her Grace the Duchess Dowager of Fifty-manors; his Lordship’s
one-and-thirtieth wife.’—I shall then be contented, perhaps, to take
up, as it is called, with a widow. But she must not have had more than
one husband neither. Thou knowest that I am nice in these particulars.