THE ADJUTANT’S DINNER.
The adjutant’s dinner was as professional an affair as need be. A circuit
or a learned society could not have been more exclusively devoted to
their own separate and immediate topics than were we. Pipeclay in all its
varieties came on the _tapis_; the last regulation cap, the new button,
the promotions, the general orders, the colonel and the colonel’s wife,
stoppages, and the mess fund were all well and ably discussed; and strange
enough, while the conversation took this wide range, not a chance allusion,
not one stray hint ever wandered to the brave fellows who were covering the
army with glory in the Peninsula, nor one souvenir of him that, was even
then enjoying a fame as a leader second to none in Europe. This surprised
me not a little at the time; but I have since that learned how little
interest the real services of an army possess for the ears of certain
officials, who, stationed at home quarters, pass their inglorious lives in
the details of drill, parade, mess-room gossip, and barrack scandal. Such,
in fact, were the dons of the present dinner. We had a commissary-general,
an inspecting brigade-major of something, a physician to the forces, the
adjutant himself, and Major Dalrymple; the _hoi polloi_ consisting of the
raw ensign, a newly-fledged cornet (Mr. Sparks), and myself.
The commissary told some very pointless stories about his own department;
the doctor read a dissertation upon Walcheren fever; the adjutant got very
stupidly tipsy; and Major Dalrymple succeeded in engaging the three juniors
of the party to tea, having previously pledged us to purchase nothing
whatever of outfit without his advice, he well knowing (which he did) how
young fellows like us were cheated, and resolving to be a father to us
(which he certainly tried to be).
As we rose from the table, about ten o’clock, I felt how soon a few such
dinners would succeed in disenchanting me of all my military illusions;
for, young as I was, I saw that the commissary was a vulgar bore, the
doctor a humbug, the adjutant a sot, and the major himself I greatly
suspected to be an old rogue.
“You are coming with us, Sparks?” said Major Dalrymple, as he took me by
one arm and the ensign by the other. “We are going to have a little tea
with the ladies; not five minutes’ walk.”
“Most happy, sir,” said Mr. Sparks, with a very flattered expression of
countenance.
“O’Malley, you know Sparks, and Burton too.”
This served for a species of triple introduction, at which we all bowed,
simpered, and bowed again. We were very happy to have the pleasure, etc.
“How pleasant to get away from these fellows!” said the major, “they are so
uncommonly prosy! That commissary, with his mess beef, and old Pritchard,
with black doses and rigors,--nothing so insufferable! Besides, in
reality, a young officer never needs all that nonsense. A little medicine
chest--I’ll get you one each to-morrow for five pounds--no, five pounds
ten--the same thing--that will see you all through the Peninsula. Remind me
of it in the morning.” This we all promised to do, and the major resumed:
“I say, Sparks, you’ve got a real prize in that gray horse,--such a trooper
as he is! O’Malley, you’ll be wanting something of that kind, if we can
find it for you.”
“Many thanks, Major; but my cattle are on the way here already. I’ve only
three horses, but I think they are tolerably good ones.”
The major now turned to Burton and said something in a low tone, to which
the other replied, “Well, if you say so, I’ll get it; but it’s devilish
dear.”
“Dear, my young friend! Cheap, dog cheap.”
“Only think, O’Malley, a whole brass bed, camp-stool, basin-stand, all
complete, for sixty pounds! If it was not that a widow was disposing of
it in great distress, one hundred could not buy it. Here we are; come
along,--no ceremony. Mind the two steps; that’s it, Mrs. Dalrymple, Mr.
O’Malley; Mr. Sparks, Mr. Burton, my daughters. Is tea over, girls?”
“Why, Papa, it’s nearly eleven o’clock,” said Fanny, as she rose to ring
the bell, displaying in so doing the least possible portion of a very
well-turned ankle.
Miss Matilda Dal laid down her book, but seemingly lost in abstraction, did
not deign to look at us. Mrs. Dalrymple, however, did the honors with much
politeness, and having by a few adroit and well-put queries ascertained
everything concerning our rank and position, seemed perfectly satisfied
that our intrusion was justifiable.
While my _confrère_, Mr. Sparks, was undergoing his examination I had time
to look at the ladies, whom I was much surprised at finding so very
well looking; and as the ensign had opened a conversation with Fanny, I
approached my chair towards the other, and having carelessly turned over
the leaves of the book she had been reading, drew her on to talk of it. As
my acquaintance with young ladies hitherto had been limited to those who
had “no soul,” I felt some difficulty at first in keeping up with the
exalted tone of my fair companion, but by letting her take the lead for
some time, I got to know more of the ground. We went on tolerably together,
every moment increasing my stock of technicals, which were all that was
needed to sustain the conversation. How often have I found the same plan
succeed, whether discussing a question of law or medicine, with a learned
professor of either! or, what is still more difficult, canvassing the
merits of a preacher or a doctrine with a serious young lady, whose
“blessed privileges” were at first a little puzzling to comprehend.
I so contrived it, too, that Miss Matilda should seem as much to be making
a convert to her views as to have found a person capable of sympathizing
with her; and thus, long before the little supper, with which it was the
major’s practice to regale his friends every evening, made its appearance,
we had established a perfect understanding together,--a circumstance that,
a bystander might have remarked, was productive of a more widely diffused
satisfaction than I could have myself seen any just cause for. Mr. Burton
was also progressing, as the Yankees say, with the sister; Sparks had
booked himself as purchaser of military stores enough to make the campaign
of the whole globe; and we were thus all evidently fulfilling our various
vocations, and affording perfect satisfaction to our entertainers.
Then came the spatch-cock, and the sandwiches, and the negus, which Fanny
first mixed for papa, and subsequently, with some little pressing, for Mr.
Burton; Matilda the romantic assisted _me_; Sparks helped himself. Then we
laughed, and told stories; pressed Sparks to sing, which, as he declined,
we only pressed the more. How, invariably, by-the-bye, is it the custom to
show one’s appreciation of anything like a butt by pressing him for a song!
The major was in great spirits; told us anecdotes of his early life in
India, and how he once contracted to supply the troops with milk, and made
a purchase, in consequence, of some score of cattle, which turned out to be
bullocks. Matilda recited some lines from Pope in my ear. Fanny challenged
Burton to a rowing match. Sparks listened to all around him, and Mrs.
Dalrymple mixed a very little weak punch, which Dr. Lucas had recommended
to her to take the last thing at night,--_Noctes coenoeque_ etc. Say
what you will, these were very jovial little _réunions_. The girls were
decidedly very pretty. We were in high favor; and when we took leave at the
door, with a very cordial shake hands, it was with no _arrière pensée_ we
promised to see them in the morning.