_Definition._--The history of "naturals"--which chiefly include the human
species--and of "simples" (herbs), occupies the branch of science we are
about to enlighten our readers upon. It treats, in fact, of animated
nature; while physical history--instead of being the history of
Apothecaries' Hall, as many suppose--deals exclusively with inanimate
matter.
_Of genus, species, and orders._--If, in the vegetable world, we commence
with the buttercup, and trace all the various kinds and sizes of plants
that exist, up to the pine (Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy
(Cormack's Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat
and go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John
Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see that
nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything. Now, to
render a knowledge of everything in natural history as difficult of
acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific world divides nature
into the above-mentioned classes, to which Latin names are given. For
instance, it would be vulgarly ridiculous to call a "cat" by its right
name; and when one says "cat," a dogmatic naturalist is justified in
thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the _cat_egory
of "cats;" hence, a "cat" is denominated, for shortness, _felis
Ægyptiacus;_ an ass is turned into a horse, by being an _equus_; a woman
into a man, for with him she is equally _homo_.
Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The variety
of it we commence with is,
THE BARBER (_homo emollientissimus_.--TRUEFIT).
_Physical structure and peculiarities_.--The most singular peculiarity of
the barber is, that although, in his avocations, he always is what is
termed a "strapper," yet his stature is usually short. His tongue,
however, makes up for this deficiency, being remarkably long,--a beautiful
provision of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs
with rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the "run." His
eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth is tinged with humour, and
his hair--particularly when threatening to be gray--with _poudre unique_.
Manner, prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He
seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave.
1. _Habits, reproduction, and food._--A singular uniformity of _habits_ is
observable amongst barbers. They all live in shops curiously adorned with
play-bills and pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to
every new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject;
and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a
triangular view of it.
2. _Reproduction._--Some men are born barbers, others have barberism
thrust upon them. The first class are brought forth in but small numbers,
for shavers seldom pair. The second take to the razor from disappointment
in trade or in love. This is evident, from the habits of the animal when
alone, at which period, if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic
gloom will be seen to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a
social being; company is as necessary to his existence as beards.
3. _Food._--Upon this subject the most minute researches of the most
prying naturalists have not been able to procure a crumb of information.
That the barber does eat can only be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no
person was ever known to catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he
munches in silence and in secret[1].
[1] Not so of drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a
pot of ale in a barber's shop; and very good ale it was, too,
for we tasted it.
_Geographical distribution of barbers._--Although the majority of
barbers live near the _pole_, they are pretty diffusely disseminated
over the entire face of the globe. The advance of civilization has,
however, much lessened their numbers; for we find, wherever valets are
kept, barbers are not; and as the magnet turns towards the north, they
are attracted to the east. In St. James's, the shaver's "occupation's
gone;" but throughout the whole of Wapping, the distance is very short
[Illustration: "FROM POLE TO POLE."]
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