A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY
SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY QUALITY.
Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very
sedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity
among the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed to have the
sagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity of
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing every word I
told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, at the prospect of
hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and political economy from the
lips of a monkey; although he took occasion to intimate that no desire
to learn anything lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his
country, these matters were pretty generally studied in the district
schools, the very children who ran about the streets of ‘Stunin’tun’
usually knowing more than most of the old people in foreign parts.
Still a monkey might have some new ideas; and for his part, he was
willing to hear what every one had to say; for, if a man didn’t put in
a word for himself in this world, he might be certain no one else would
take the pains to speak for him. But when I came to mention the details
of the programme of the forthcoming interview, and stated that it was
expected the audience would wear their own skins, out of respect to the
ladies, I greatly feared that my friend would have so far excited
himself as to go into fits. The rough old sealer swore some terrible
oaths, protesting “that he would not make a monkey of himself, by
appearing in this garb, for all the monikin philosophers, or high-born
females, that could be stowed in a ship’s hold; that he was very liable
to take cold; that he once knew a man who undertook to play beast in
this manner, and the first thing the poor devil knew, he had great
claws and a tail sprouting out of him; a circumstance that he had
always attributed to a just judgment for striving to make himself more
than Providence had intended him for; that, provided a man’s ears were
naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole body was naked; that
he did not complain of the monkeys going in their skins, and that they
ought, in reason, not to meddle with his clothes; that he should be
scratching himself the whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure
he cut; that he would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he was
apt to be deaf when he was cold; that he would be d——d if he did any
such thing; that human natur’ and monkey natur’ were not the same, and
it was not to be expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly
the same fashions; that the meeting would have the appearance of a
boxing match, instead of a philosophical lecture; that he never heard
of such a thing at Stunin’tun; that he should feel sneaking at seeing
his own shins in the presence of ladies; that a ship always made better
weather under some canvas than under bare poles; that he might possibly
be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these, he
would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor off his bows, with the
vessel driving on a lee-shore; that flesh and blood were flesh and
blood, and they liked their comfort; that he should think the whole
time he was about to go in a-swimming, and should be looking about for
a good place to dive”; together with a great many more similar
objections, that have escaped me in the multitude of things of greater
interest which have since occupied my time. I have frequently had
occasion to observe, that, when a man has one good, solid reason for
his decision, it is no easy matter to shake it; but, that he who has a
great many, usually finds them of far less account in the struggle of
opinions. Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke on the present
occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, one by one,
until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, like a stout ship that is
easily brought to her bearings by the breeze, he “stuck and hung” in a
manner to manifest it would require a heavy strain to bring him down
any lower. A lucky thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There were
a couple of good large bison-skins among my effects, and on suggesting
to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds of
one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observing that any
object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to the monikin
senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of art, which
they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On this
explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the
new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my ancient habits,
could I be permitted to use one of the skins, also, while Mr. Poke
occupied the other. Not the slightest objection was raised to the
proposal, and measures were immediately taken to prepare us to appear
in good company. Soon after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of
the conditions that were to regulate the approaching interview. This
document was written in Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I
afterwards understood, it was drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had
been educated for the diplomatic career at home, previously to the
accident which had thrown him, alas! into human hands. I translate it
freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who usually prefer their own
tongues to any others.
Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great
Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono,
F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities in the University of Monikinia,
and in the kingdom of Leaphigh:
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:
ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.
ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and not
a belligerent interview.
ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and
discursory.
ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the
privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of
hearing most.
ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking
questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them.
ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin
prejudices and sensibilities.
ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, shall
smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments,
in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf
and his friend.
ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him,
shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to
render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his
friends.
ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected.
ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be
interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties.
ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of
either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin
language on this occasion.
Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord
Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and then
seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness,
for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the compact. Captain
Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked more like a
quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human being. As
for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became my station and
character.
At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterino
appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was
formally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when a
silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but I
never yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, that I did
not feel a propensity to look out for weak places in them. I had begun
to see that the discussion might lead to argument, argument to
comparisons between the two species, and something like an esprit de
corps was stirring within me. It now struck me that a question might be
fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono’s appearing with THREE
backers, while I had but ONE. The objection was therefore urged on my
part, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord
Chatterino observed, it was true the protocol spoke in general terms of
mutual supporters, but if—
“Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the
instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were
mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was
alluded to only in the singular number.”
“Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark
that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must be
some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to
attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh.”
“The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degree
to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among
monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of
the law. Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as in conveyances
of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would be
necessary to have four female signatures, in order to give the
instrument validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr.
Reasono is attended by only two monikins.”
Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of
Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that
women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and he
thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men.
“This reply would completely cover the case, my lord,” I answered,
“were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly purely
a monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The
document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and
I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have
seen a better specimen of modern latinity.”
“It is undeniable, Sir John,” returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tail
in acknowledgment of the compliment, “that the protocol itself is in a
language that has now become common property; but the mere medium of
thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is
neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover, in this
particular case, article 11 of the protocol contains a stipulation that
no legal consequences whatever are to follow the use of the Latin
language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties in
possession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be a
monikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin
grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally
be conducted on monikin principles.”
“If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right
to assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg
leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in
a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up a claim of
territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must
be admitted to be human, since the locataire of this apartment is a
man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain.”
“Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and I
beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading
consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest—that we are met
to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a monikin
theme—that the accessory must be secondary to the principal—that the
lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in the
greater—and, by consequence, that—”
“You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold—”
“Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I
say—”
“One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that—”
“A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but—”
“My Lord Chatterino!”
“Sir John Goldencalf!”
Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young
monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to
the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had
occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after
wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was
especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My
auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison’s skin,
and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a proper degree of
human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this
desultory manner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa
advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by
placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the young nobleman,
effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is running away, he
usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes, and gates,
and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master of his own movements,
in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in
sole possession of the argument, than I brought it to a close. Dr.
Reasono improved the pause, to introduce a proposition that, the
experiment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino being evidently a
failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire and make an effort to agree upon
an entirely new programme of the proceedings. This happy thought
suddenly restored peace; and, while the two negotiators were absent, I
improved the opportunity to become better acquainted with the lovely
Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all
the graces of diplomacy, who could turn from a hot and angry
discussion, on the instant, to the most bland and winning courtesy, was
foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing his charming mistress to
throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once,
into a free and friendly discourse.
Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appears
that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently
explained it himself, a “Stunin’tun principle,” Captain Poke conceived
he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every proposition which came
from the other party. This difficulty would probably have proved
insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and
liberal proposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the
sole dictation of his colleague, reserving to himself the same
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well assured that the
philosopher was no lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this
spirit of concession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would
recommend this happy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and
embarrassing treaties, since it enables each party to gain his point,
and probably leaves as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any
other mode that has yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as
follows, it having been written, in duplicate, in English and in
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators
gave it very much the character of a capitulation.
PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:
ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.
ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure.
ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on
philosophical and liberal principles.
ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.
ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding
questions, and either party the privilege of answering them.
ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless so
disposed.
ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstract
rules of propriety and decorum.
ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to
time, according to the state of the weather.
ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.
ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.
Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents like
two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the
opinions we had before advanced, and which we had both shown so much
cleverness in supporting.
“Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikins
at all at this interview!”
“The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may come
and go who may be so disposed.”
“Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to
BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it
follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more than
ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said interview.”
“Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by
article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and by
article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall be
conducted ‘on philosophical and liberal principles’; now, it need
scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of
illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by
the other.”
“Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but
legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as
jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of
conjecture.”
“And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that ‘no advantage shall be
taken by lawyers.’ By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and in
conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the negotiators to
spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the subtleties and
devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit
me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices of
those who framed the very conditions about which we are now arguing.
Did YOU, sir,” continued my Lord Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke,
with emphasis and dignity; “did you, sir, when you drew up this
celebrated article 10—did you deem that you were publishing authority
of which the lawyers could take advantage?”
A deep and very sonorous “No,” was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.
My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor,
first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:
“And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you were
supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?”
The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble paused,
and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.
“Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative,
and unanswerably just, my lord,” I put in; “but I must be permitted to
hint that the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment; now
the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, the virtue of the
stipulation, is not derived from the intention of the party who may
happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent of the legal
deputies. In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I now
ask permission to address a few questions to them, reversing the order
of your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly furnish a clue
to the quo animo, in a new light.” Addressing the philosopher, I
continued—“Did YOU, sir, in assenting to article 10, imagine that you
were defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might
to the injury of right?”
The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious,
“No.”
“And YOU, sir,” turning to Captain Poke, “did you, in assenting to
article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes of
humanity could torture your approbation into the means of determining
that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing with
the best monikins of the land?”
“Blast me, if I did!”
But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning—”
“Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord—”
“Nay, good Sir—”
“Permit me, my dear lord—”
“Sir John—”
“My lord—”
Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another timely
interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in preventing the
reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, and I came to
another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the
whole affair should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. I
could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling
accompaniment of Captain Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women
caused more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and, from the
little he had seen, he expected it would turn out the same with
monikinas.
The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is
denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the
referees returned with the following programme:
PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:
ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, ethical,
liberal, general, and controversial interview.
ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable.
ART. 3. The interview shall be general.
ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.
ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.
ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.
ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal.
ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.
ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philosophical,
ethical, logical, general, and amicable.
ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon.
The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord
Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new
grounds for the argument that each was resolved on.
“Auguste! cher Auguste!” exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the
prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard—“Pour moi!”
“A moi! monseignear!” I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol—I
was checked in the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at the
bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking
and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a corner.
“I think, Sir John,” observed the worthy sealer, “if we ever mean to
let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now.
The females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we cannot
weather upon two women before the matter is well over. In Stunin’tun,
when it is thought best to accommodate proposals, why we object and
raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the end we kinder soften
and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The hardest gale must
blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best argument the best
monkey of them all can agitate!”
“This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an esprit
de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?”
“Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir
John; and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me down
as a pettifogger.”
The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some
sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce
know which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had
equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now met
on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation;
and preparations were instantly commenced for the lecture of Dr.
Reasono.