(_An Actuality, in one short Scene, at the service of the Institute of
Journalists._)
SCENE--_An Editor's Room._ Editor _discovered in conversation with_
Would-be Reporter.
_Editor (preparing to resume his work)._ Well, from all you tell me, I
imagine you must be a most accomplished person.
_Would-be Reporter (smiling)._ Well, I believe I am up to the standard
required by the Institute of Journalists. My classics are fairly good,
but I do not know as much as I should of mixed mathematics. However,
I took a double first at Oxford; but then I had a particularly easy
year. All the men against me were practically duffers.
_Ed. (slightly interested)._ Do you know anything of modern languages?
_W.-be Rep._ Well, yes. I can speak and write European in all its
branches, including Swedish and Norwegian _patois_, and the _argot_
used on the borders of Turkey and Greece. I am fairly well up in
Chinese, but have only a general idea of the grammar of Afghanistan.
But I may add that I am spending four hours a day in completing this
part of my training.
_Ed._ I think you said that you have passed in engineering,
orchestra-playing, astronomy, naval and military tactics, and the
history of the world, and the other components of the planetary
system?
_W.-be Rep._ Certainly; I have in every way (save that I have still
to pass in Roman Law) satisfied the requirements of the Institute
of Journalists. I am all but qualified for the reception of an
Associate's degree.
_Ed. (with a view to closing the interview)._ Very well, then; we
shall be glad to use anything you may be good enough to send us--of
course, at the customary rate.
_W.-be Rep. (gratefully)._ A thousand thanks. I know; three-half-pence
a line, with a minimum of three shillings.
_Ed._ Precisely. (_Taking up his pen._) And now, as my Sub-editor
told me that there was a fire somewhere in the neighbourhood, you had
better look after it.
_W.-be Rep._ Thank you so much. But as I have forgotten to bring my
reporter's-book, perhaps you will kindly lend me some copy-paper?
_Ed._ Certainly; you will find some in that corner. (_He approaches
speaking-tube, to which he has been summoned by a whistle._) Ah! You
need not trouble after the fire, for I find we have already received a
report from someone on the spot.
_W.-be Rep. (in a tone of disappointment)._ What a bore! just as I was
going to report it myself! However, better luck next time.
_Ed. (courteously)._ I hope so; good morning. (_Exit_ Would-be
Reporter.) What a nuisance these fellows are! Highly educated,
of course, and all that sort of thing; but I am not sure that the
rough-and-ready school was not the better.
_W.-be Rep. (re-entering hurriedly)._ My good Sir! Fancy! the man
who has sent you the report of the local fire was educated at a small
grammar-school, and never even entered a university!
_Ed._ Well, what of that?
_W.-be Rep. (surprised)._ You surely won't use his copy?
_Ed. (decisively)._ I surely shall. First come, first served. And now
you must allow me. (_Returns to his work, to the surprise and disgust
of_ Would-be Reporter. _Curtain._)
* * * * *
"PIECE AND WAR!" AT DRURY LANE.
"Victory sits on our helms!" cries Sir DRURIOLANUS AUCTOR to HENRICUS
PARVUS ETIAM AUCTOR, as they drive back to "The Helms, Regent's Park,"
after the curtain has descended on the last scene of the last act of
_A Life of Pleasure_ at Drury Lane. Twice has Sir DRURIOLANUS appeared
before the footlights at the end of the Fourth Act, when some battle
in Burmah is gallantly won by the united dramatic forces under the
heroic but comic Captain HARRY NICHOLLS, Colonel Lord FRANK FENTON
AVONDALE, Sergeant CLARENCE HOLT, and a handful of the bravest
soldiers that ever marched to glory over the boards of old Drury Lane.
What the story is, and how these heroes got into the jungle and out
again, and how the right man married the right woman, and how the
wronged woman would have saved the villain from the vengeance of HENRY
DESMOND O'NEVILLE,--who, alas, had to stay in the green-room while
the others were distinguishing themselves in Burmah,--is known to the
clever collaborators and a few of their trusted confidants. Of that
strange history I, a mere civilian, had every detail blown clean out
of my head by the din of the great battle. In fact, never have I heard
of any "theatrical engagement" equal to this.
[Illustration: "The Action of the Piece."]
That Miss LILY HANBURY looked lovely, and touched my heart; that Mrs.
BERNARD-BEERE suddenly developed a brogue that, on occasion, betrayed
her nationality; that Miss LE THIERE was a villainous matron; that
Miss LAURA LINDEN was sprightly and pretty; that Mr. ARTHUR DACRE was
the best representative of lop-sided villainy ever seen on the stage;
and that Mr. ROBERT SOUTAR reappeared as an elderly masher about town;
all this, I am ready to admit, would have been good enough for
me, without any attempt on my part at stringing them together in a
consecutive story. Didn't I know from the very moment she appeared
in deep black, and with a very pale face, that Miss LE THIERE was a
villain of the deepest dye in petticoats? Could I have trusted Mr.
ARTHUR DACRE, in his neat grey suit, with a sixpence, much less
with my life? As for Mr. ELTON, representing the Hebraic
money-lender--indispensable of late years to all Drury Lane
dramas--wasn't I well aware that he was to be the comic villain, only
set up to be knocked down again, and to be finally bowled out by
the apparently simple HARRY NICHOLLS? Then there is the scene at the
Empire, admirably stage-managed, but the ladies should try to take
just a trifle more interest in the strange proceedings of that
eventful night, as they should also do when re-appearing as wedding
guests in the last act. But these fair ladies are heartless; all's
one to them, happen what may. Then there was the House-boat, equally
well-arranged; but everything is entirely eclipsed by the Military
Act, in three scenes, which contains "the action of the piece," and
leaves the audience half-deafened by mitrailleuses, and half-choked by
the gunpowder. But as the smoke gradually cleared away, the stalwart
figure of the Commander-in-Chief, yclept DRURIOLANUS himself, was seen
bowing his acknowledgments.
But what was it all about? "'Why, that I cannot tell,' quoth Old
CASPAR, 'but 'twas a famous victory!'" And if you, my non-combatant
readers, wish to know how the Burmese War was undertaken for the
special benefit of HARRY NICHOLLS, you just go and see for yourself
the new drama, mysteriously entitled _A Life of Pleasure_, at T. R.
Drury Lane, and for this advice you will thank
"OLD CASPAR."
* * * * *
A MOOT POINT.--The G. O. M. is reported to have been engaged in
translating _Horace_. Is this a picturesque way of referring to the
recent elevation of Sir HORACE DAVEY?