Snow was falling when Zebedee at last drove up the road, and from the
window of Mildred Caniper's bedroom Helen watched his huddled figure and
the striving horse. She saw him look for the obliterated track and then
turn towards the shelter of Brent Farm.
"Is he coming?" Mildred asked. She was childishly interested in his
return.
"Yes. He has gone to put the horse up at the farm."
"He will be cold."
"Yes." Helen was cold, too.
"It is a dreadful day for driving."
"I don't think he minds that," she said in a dead voice.
"No. You had better go downstairs."
"When I see him starting back. He'll have to talk to Lily. No, he's
coming now."
She stood at the window while she slowly counted twenty, and then she
warmed her hands before she went.
She was irritated by the memory of him running across the road with his
hands in his pockets, his head butting against the storm, his eager feet
sinking into the snow and dragging themselves out again. She had a crazy
wish that he would fall. Why could he not walk? she asked herself. It
was absurd to be in such a hurry. There was plenty of time, more than
enough, if he but knew it! She laughed, and hated the false, cruel
sound, and looked round the hall to see if there were any one to hear;
but in the snow, as she opened the gate to him, there was a moment in
which she knew nothing but joy. He had come back, he was close to her,
and evil had passed away.
"Oh, my darling--" he said. "Let me get off my coat!"
He took her hands, and unsmilingly he scanned her, from her smooth hair
to her mouth, from her hands to her feet.
"What is it?" he asked.
She gave him her clear regard. "All the things that have mattered most
to me have been comings and goings through this gate and the garden
door."
"Well, dearest one--"
"You've come again."
"And I shall come tomorrow."
"Will you?" She closed her eyelids on what he might see, and he kissed
her between the eyes. "I have stayed away too long," he said.
"Yes. I want to talk to you. Come and see Notya first."
"Things have been happening, Daniel tells me."
"Oh, yes, they have."
"And if your letters had shown me your face, I shouldn't have stayed
away another day."
"Isn't it so nice, Zebedee?"
"It's lovelier than it ever was, but there's a line here, and here, and
here. And your eyes--"
Again she shut them, but she held up her face. "I want you to kiss my
mouth."
"Helen," he said, when he had slowly done her bidding, "let us sit on
the stairs and think about each other. Yes, there's room for Jim, but,
oh, my blessed one, he ought to have a bath. No, you can stay down
there, my boy. Are you comfortable, little heart? Let me look at you
again. You are just like a pale flower in a wood. Here, in the darkness,
there might be trees and you gleaming up, a flower--"
She dropped her forehead to his knees. "I wish--I were--that flower."
She felt his body tighten. "What has happened?"
"I'll tell you soon."
"No, now."
"When you have seen Notya. She might notice if we looked--queer."
"Then let us go to her at once."
* * * * *
Mildred Caniper cut short the interview, saying, "Take him away, Helen.
I'm tired. I'm always tired now."
"Come into Jane," Helen said when they were on the landing. "No one will
disturb us there. Let Jim come, too."
"He isn't fit to be in your bedroom, dear. Neither am I. And how like
you it is!"
"It's cold," she said. Through the window she saw that the new snow had
covered George's tracks. "Cold--cold."
He put his arms round her. "I'm back again, and I can only believe it
when I'm holding you. Now tell me what's the matter."
"Shall I? Shall I? Don't hold me, or I can't. It's--oh, you have to
know. I'm married, Zebedee."
Plainly he did not think her sane. "This can't be true," he said in a
voice that seemed to drop from a great height.
"Yes, it's true. I can show you the thing--the paper. Here it is. Do you
want to read it? Oh, yes, it's true."
"But it can't be! I don't understand! I don't understand it. Who--For
God's sake, tell me the whole tale."
She told it quickly, in dull tones, and as she watched his face she saw
a sickly grey colour invade his tan.
"Don't, don't look like that!" she cried.
"Are you quite sure you're married?" he asked in his new voice. "Let me
look at this thing."
Outside, the snow fell thicker, darkening the room, and as she took a
step nearer, she saw the muscles twitching in his cheeks. He laid the
paper on her dressing-table.
"May his soul rot!" he whispered. He did not look at her. Darkness and
distance lay between them, but fearfully she crept up to him and touched
his arm.
"Zebedee--"
He turned swiftly, and his face made her shrink back.
"You--you dare to tell me this! And you said you loved me. I thought you
loved me."
"I did. I do," she moaned, and her hands fluttered. "Zebedee," she
begged.
"Oh--did you think I was going to wish you happiness? I'd rather see you
dead. I could have gone on loving you if you were dead, believing you
had loved me."
"And do you think I want to be alive?" she asked him, and slipped to her
knees beside the bed. "I didn't want to die until just now. All the
time, I said, Zebedee will understand. He'll know I did my best. He'll
be so sorry for me--"
"So sorry for you that he couldn't think about himself! Sorry for
you--yes! But can't you see what you have done for me? You never thought
of that! It's like a woman. If you'd killed me--but you have killed me.
And you did it lightly. You let me come here, you gave me your mouth to
kiss, and then you tell me this! This! Oh, it's nothing! You've married
some one else! You couldn't help it! Ah--!" He shook with a rage that
terrified her, and having held out disregarded arms to him, she let her
trembling mouth droop shapelessly, and made no effort to control her
heavy tears, the sobs rushing up and out with ugly, tortured sounds. She
spoke between them.
"I never thought you would be angry. But I dreamt about you angry.
Oh"--she spoke now only to herself--"he doesn't understand. If I hadn't
loved him truly, I needn't have kept my word, but I had to be honest, or
I wouldn't have been worthy." She dropped her face against the bed and
mumbled there. "Nothing matters, then. Not even being honest. I--I--Oh!
Angry--Zebedee darling, I can't bear it. Tell me you won't be angry any
more."
"Dearest--" He sat on the bed and pulled her wet face to his knee.
"Dearest--"
She took his hands and pressed them against her eyes. "Forgive me,
Zebedee."
"I can't forgive you. I can only love you. For ever and ever--I want to
think, Helen."
"You're shaking so."
"And you are shivering. Come downstairs beside a fire."
"No; we are safer here." Her arms went round him, beneath his coat, and
she leaned her head against his breast. "I wish we could go to sleep and
never wake."
"I ought never to have left you."
She looked up. "Zebedee, he hasn't worried me. He kissed me once. That's
all. That's why I made you kiss my mouth."
"He shall never worry you. I'm going to see him now, and I shall come
back soon. Let me go, sweetheart."
"No, I can't let you go. It isn't that I'm afraid for you. I--I don't
mind if you hurt each other, but if you killed him--if he killed you--!
But you won't do that. You'll just say dreadful things, and then he'll
come to me and take me all. Don't you see? He could. He would. In my own
way, I can--I can keep him off, but if you went to him and claimed
me--No, Zebedee, there would be no hope for me."
"I'll shoot him, if you like, without giving him a chance. The man
ought to be shot. He takes advantage of his own beastliness--" He broke
off. "If I talk about it I shall choke."
"But he doesn't know about you."
"You didn't tell him that?"
"I couldn't. I couldn't beg. I didn't want to say your name to him, to
bring you into it."
"Yes, I was left out of your calculations pretty thoroughly."
"Zebedee--!"
"Ah, but you expect me to take this very calmly. You keep your promise
to a drunken brute, but what of one to me?"
"There wasn't one between us two. We just belonged, as we do now and
always shall. You're me and I am you. When I was thinking of myself, I
was thinking of you, too. And all the time I thought you'd understand."
"I do--begin to understand. But what about Miriam? Little fool, little
fool! Does she know what she's done?"
"No one knows but you. You see, she fainted. I always thought she'd come
between us, but what queer things God does!"
His voice rose suddenly, saying, "Helen, it's unbearable. But you shall
not stay here. I shall take you away."
"There's Notya."
"Yes."
"Do you mean--Is she going to die?"
"I don't know. She may not live for long. And if she dies, you shall
come away with me. We can go together anywhere in the world. There's no
morality and no sense and no justice in such a sacrifice."
"Oh," she sighed, "what peace, if I could go with you!"
"You shall go with me."
She felt his heart ticking away the seconds. "But I can't," she said
softly. "You see, I've married him."
"Great God--!"
"I know. But I can't help it. I knew what I was doing. And he needs me."
"Ah! If he's going to need you--And again, what of my need of you?"
"You're a better man than he is."
He pushed her from him and went to the window, and she dared not ask him
for his thoughts. Perhaps he had none: perhaps, in the waste of snow
from which the black trunks of trees stood up, he saw a likeness to his
life.
He turned to ask, "How often does that beast get washed?"
She looked at him vaguely. "Who?"
"That dog."
"Oh--once a fortnight."
"Who does it?"
"John or I."
"You let him sleep with you?"
"Outside my door."
"I think he ought to be inside. I'm going over to see John. You can't
live here alone. And, Helen, I've not given up my right to you. You
shall come to me when Mrs. Caniper sets you free."
She was standing now, and she answered through stiff lips, "You mustn't
hope for that. You know I told you long ago the kind of woman I am."
"And you can't change yourself for my sake?"
She moved uneasily. "I would, so gladly, if I could," she said, and he
shook his head as though he did not believe her.
"But I will not have you and John trying to arrange my life. I choose to
be alone. If you interfere--" His look reproached her. "I'm sorry,
Zebedee, but I'm suffering, too, and I know best about George, about
myself. After all"--her voice rose and broke--"after all, I've married
him! Oh, what a fuss, what a fuss! We make too much of it. We have to
bear it. We are not willing to bear anything. Other women, other men,
have lost what they loved best. We want too much. We were not meant for
happiness."
His hand was on the door, but he came back and stood close to her. "Do
you think you have been talking to a stone? What do you expect of me?
I"--he held his head--"I am trying to keep sane. To you, this may be a
small thing among greater ones, but to me--it's the only one."
"To me, too. But if I made a mistake in promising, I should make another
in running away now. One has to do one's best."
"And this is a woman's best!" he said in a voice she did not know.
"Is that so bad?" She was looking at a stranger: she was in an empty
world, a black, wild place, and in it she could not find Zebedee.
"There is no logic in it," she heard him say, and she was in her room
once more, holding to the bed-rail, standing near this haggard travesty
of her man.
"Oh! What have I done to you?" she cried out.
He followed his own thought. "If your sense of duty is greater towards
him than towards me, why don't you go to him and give him all he wants?"
"He has not asked for it."
"And I do. If he has no rights, remember mine; but if he has them--"
"Yes, it may come to that," she said, and he saw her lined, white face.
"No, no, Helen! Not for my sake this time, but for yours! No! I didn't
mean it. Believe me, I could be glad if you were happy."
"I shan't be happy without you, but if I can't have you, why shouldn't I
do my best for him?"
He looked at the floor and said, "Helen, I can't let him touch you." He
looked up. "Have you thought of everything?"
"There have been days and days to think in."
"My dear, it isn't possible! To give you into his hands!"
"I shall keep out of them if I can, and no one else can do it for me.
Remember that, or you will push me into them. But I'm trying to make my
body a little thing. It's only a body, after all. Zebedee, will you let
me sit on your knee? Just this once more. Oh, how your arms know how to
hold me! I hope--I hope you'll never have to marry any one for Daniel's
sake."
He rested his cheek on hers. "Daniel will have to look after himself.
Men don't hurt the people they love best for the sake of some one else.
That's a woman's trick."
"You never talked like this before."
"Because, you see, no woman had ever hurt me so much."
"And now she has."
"Oh, yes, she has."
"And you love me less?"
"Come with me and see! Helen, Helen, darling, come with me. I want you
so. We'll make life beautiful together. Sweetheart, if you needn't
suffer, I could bear it for myself, I could manage to bear it for
myself."
"I should suffer if I came with you. I should always feel George wanting
me."
"And you won't feel me?"
"You are just like myself. You will always be there. No one can come
between. George can't."
"But his children will." He set her on her feet and began to walk up and
down the room. "Had you thought of that?"
She covered her face and whispered, "I can't talk about it yet. And,
oh!" she went on, "I wanted ours. Did you?"
"You know I did."
"And even if I went with you, we couldn't have them. That's gone--just
slipped away. They were so clear to me, so beautiful."
"In that house of ours," he said. "Helen, I bought that house before I
went away."
"Our house?"
"Our square house--with the trees."
She broke into another storm of sobbing, and he took her on his knee
again. He knew that Halkett's children would come and stifle pain and,
as he tried to think he would not hate them, her voice came softly
through those thoughts.
"Zebedee, I want to tell you something."
"Go on, dear."
"I want to tell you--I--He's not repellent. Don't think that. I didn't
want you to think that. I suppose one can forget. And I shall always
think, 'It's Zebedee who has the rest, who has all the best of me.'"
"I know you, dear. You'll be giving him all you have."
"Oughtn't I to?"
"Oh, my darling, God only knows. Don't ask me. To me there seems only
one thing to do--to smite him in the mouth--and you whom I worship have
tied my hands. And I sit here! What do you think is happening to me
inside? I'm mad! I can promise nothing. I need time to think. Helen, if
you would hate him always, I could bear it better. But you won't,
you'll grow fond of him--and I suppose I should be glad; but I can't
stand that." He put her down roughly and stood over her. "I can't endure
this any longer," he said under his breath, and went.
Then she realized what she had done to him, and with how much gentleness
he had used her. She ran after him and called from the stairhead:
"Zebedee! Wait for me. Kiss me once more. I'll never ask again. It isn't
easy for me, either, Zebedee."
He stood, helpless, enraged at destiny, aware that any weapon he might
lift in her defence would fall on her and wound her. He could do nothing
but swear his lasting love, his ready service.