HOMELESSNESS
From time to time the present age is criticised, as if its corruption
contrasted with the moral strictness of earlier periods. Such charges
are as crude and as groundless as is most of the same kind of criticism
that is common to every generation of man's history. They have been
repeated ever since man began to strive consciously for other ends than
the momentary gratification of his undisciplined impulses.
One need only to consult the men of the present generation and the still
living representatives of the past generation, to be assured that bad
conduct at school is not characteristic of our time. Let any one read
the account of life at universities in earlier periods when the younger
students were of the same age as schoolboys in high schools and it will
soon be plain that the cause of the evil is not modern literature nor
modern belief.
The really direct causes of this difficulty must be looked for in human
emotions. This side of the question I do not intend to discuss here. It
can only be solved by an expert in psychology and physiology; by one
who, along with this capacity, is a pedagogical genius. There might not
be sufficient material for such a task, even if an individual could be
found able to put together the original elements in the systems of
Socrates, Rousseau, Spencer, and give them life. Under no other
condition could a real contribution be made adequate to meet the
requirements of the present day in the field of education. My intention
is only to make some remarks on the secondary cause of the evil, for not
sufficient attention has been devoted to this side of the problem. The
cause I have in view is the increasing homelessness of all branches of
society. Living with one's parents as children do who go to school in
the city is not the same as living at home. Family life in the working
classes is unsettled by the mother working out of the house. In the
upper classes the same result is produced by the constantly increasing
pressure of social pleasures and obligations.
Formerly it was only the husband and father whom outside interests took
from the home. Now the home is deserted by the wife and mother also,
not alone for social gatherings but for clubs for self-improvement,
meetings, lectures, committees; one evening after another, just at the
time which she should be devoting herself to her children who have been
occupied in the morning at school.
The ever-growing social life, the incessant extension of club and
out-of-door life, result in the mother sending her children as early as
possible to school, even when there is nothing but the conditions above
mentioned to prevent her from giving the children their first
instruction herself. As a rule the present generation of mothers who
have had school training could do this quite well, in the case of
children who do not need the social stimulus of the school. Indeed
before the school time begins, and in the hours out of school, children
are as a rule taken by a maid servant to walk or to skate and so on.
Children of the upper classes in most cases receive just as much,
perhaps more, of their education from the nursery maid or from the
school than from the mother. The father need not be mentioned at all,
for as a rule he is an only occasional and unessential factor in the
education of the child.
Many will say by way of objection, that at no time has so much been
done for the education of children as at present; that parents were
never so watchful over the physical and psychical needs of the children;
that at no time has the intercourse between children and parents been so
free; at no time have schools been so actively at work.
This is true but much of this tends to increase the homelessness of
which I am speaking. The more the schools develop the more they are
burdened with all the instruction for children, the more hours of the
day they require for their demands. The school is expected to give
instruction even in such simple matters as making children acquainted
with their national literature, and handwork, which mothers could do
perfectly well, certainly as well as our grandmothers. The greater the
attention given at school to such essentially good things as gymnastics,
handwork, and games, the more children are withdrawn from home. And even
when at home, they are hindered by lessons and written exercises from
being with their father and mother, on those exceptional occasions when
the parents are at home. If we take into consideration the way in which
the modern school system uses up the children's time, and present
social and club life take up the time of parents, we come to the
conclusion I began with, that domestic life is more and more on the
decline.
The reforms that must be demanded from the schools in order to restore
the children to the home cannot be discussed now, since it is my
intention to deal here only with those matters which must be reformed by
the family itself, if reforms at school are to really benefit the young.
Reforms of this kind have been made in schools but mothers complain that
children have too little work at home or too few hours at school; that
they, the mothers, absolutely do not know how they can keep the children
occupied in so much free time.
What may justly be considered the great progress in the family life of
the present day, the confidential intercourse between parents and
children, has not taken an entirely right direction. The result has been
that children have been permitted to behave like grown people, sharing
the habits and pleasures of their parents, or that the parents have
ceased to live their own life. In neither of these two ways can a deep
and sound relation between children and parents be produced.
We see on the one side a minority of conscientious mothers and fathers,
who in a real sense live only for the children. They mould their whole
life for the life of the children; and the children get the idea that
they are the central point of existence. On the other side, we see
children who take part in all the life and over-refinements of the home.
They demand like adults the amusements and elegancies of life; they even
give balls and suppers at home or in hotels for their school companions.
In these social functions, the vanity and stupidity of adults are
conscientiously imitated.
Then we require from these boys and girls, when they reach a time of
life in which the passions awake, a self-control, a capacity of
self-denial, a stoicism towards temptations to which they have never
been trained, and which they have never seen their parents exercise.
Most homes of the upper classes have not the means to keep up the life
that is lived in them. By the money of creditors, or by an exorbitant
profit made at the cost of working people, or by careless consumption of
the very necessary savings to be laid by for hard times, or against the
death of the family provider, a luxurious style of living is maintained.
But even when in rare cases there is real ability to live in this way,
parents would not do it, if the best interests of the children were
taken into account.
Elders may speak of industry as much as they like; if the father's and
mother's work for children has no reality about it, the parents would do
best to be silent. The same must be said of warnings and arbitrary
prohibitions to children concerning the satisfaction of their desire for
enjoyment, if the parents themselves do not influence the children by
their own example.
On the other hand there are just as disturbing consequences when
industrious parents conceal their self-denial from their children, when
they deprive themselves in the effort to spare their children the
knowledge that their parents are not in a position to clothe them as
well as their companions or to give them the same pleasures. Least of
all is home life successful in helping children through the difficulties
of their earlier years, when discipline has killed confidence between
them and their parents, when they become insincere from want of courage
and careless from want of freedom; when parents present themselves to
the children as exceptional beings, asking for blind reverence and
absolute subjection. From such homes in old days fine men and women
could proceed, but now extremely seldom. Young people recognise in our
days no such requirements; confidential intercourse with parents has
robbed them of this nimbus of infallibility.
Homes which send out men and women with the strongest morality, with the
freshest stimulus to work, are those where children and parents are
companions in labour, where they stand on the same level, where, like a
good elder sister or an elder brother, parents regard the younger
members of the household as their equals; where parents by being
children with the children, being youthful with young people, help those
who are growing up, without the exercise of force, to develop into human
beings, always treating them as human beings. In a home like this
nothing is especially arranged for children; they are regarded not as
belonging to one kind of being while parents represent another, but
parents gain the respect of their children by being true and natural;
they live and conduct themselves in such a way that the children gain an
insight into their work, their efforts, and as far as possible into
their joys and pains, their mistakes and failures. Such parents without
artificial condescension or previous consideration gain the sympathy of
children and unconsciously educate them in a free exchange of thought
and opinions. Here children do not receive everything as a gift;
according to the measure of their power they must share in the work of
the home; they learn to take account of their parents, of servants, and
one another. They have duties and rights that are just as firmly fixed
as those of their parents; and they are respected themselves just as
they are taught to respect others. They come into daily contact with
realities, they can do useful tasks, not simply pretend that they are
doing them; they can arrange their own amusements, their own small money
accounts, their own punishments even, by their parents never hindering
them from suffering the natural consequences of their own acts.
In such a home a command is never given unless accompanied at the same
time with a reason for it, just as soon as a reason can be understood.
So the feeling of responsibility is impressed upon the children from the
tenderest age. The children are as seldom as possible told not to do
things, but such commands when given are absolute because they always
rest on good reasons, not on a whim. Mother and father are watchful, but
they do not act as spies on their children. Partial freedom teaches
children to make use of complete freedom. A system of negative commands
and oversight produces insincerity and weakness. An old illiterate
housekeeper who earned a living by taking school children to board was
one of the best educators I have ever seen. Her method was loving young
people and believing in them--a confidence that they as a rule sought to
deserve. Moreover a good home is always cheerful, its affection real,
not sentimental. No time is wasted in it in preaching about petty
details or prosing. Mother and sisters do not look shocked when the
small boy tells a funny story or uses strong language. A joke is not
regarded as evidence of moral corruption, nor keen views as an
indication of depravity. Liveliness, want of prudishness, which can be
combined, so far as the feminine part of the household is concerned,
with purity of mind and simple nobility, are characteristics for which
there can be no substitutes. In such a household concord prevails, the
young and old work, read, and talk together, together take common
diversions; sometimes the young people, sometimes their elders, take the
lead. The house is open for the friends of the children; they are free
to enjoy themselves as completely as possible but in all naturalness
without allowing their amusements to change the habits of the home.
It is told of the childhood of a great Finnish poet, Runeberg, that his
mother when she invited the young guests of her son to dance as long as
they could, added, "When you are thirsty, the water cooler is there, and
by it hangs the cup"; and more delightful dances, the old lady who told
the story never remembered to have seen. This old-fashioned distinction,
the courage to show oneself as one is, is absent from modern homes, and
lack of courage has resulted in lack of happiness.
The simple hospitable homely pleasures that have now been superseded by
children's parties, lesson drudgery, and by parents living outside of
the home must come back again if what is bad now is not to become worse.
Evil is not to be expelled by evil; it is to be overcome by good. If the
home is not to be again sunny, quiet, simple, and lively, mothers may go
out as much as they like to discuss education and morality in the
evening. There will be no real change. Mothers must seriously perceive
that no social activity has greater significance than education, and
that in this nothing can replace their own appropriate influence in a
home. They must make up their minds to real reform, such reforms as
those introduced by a lady in Stockholm; burdened though she was with
social engagements and public obligations, she refused to accept any
invitation except on one day of the week, in order to spend her evenings
quietly with her children. How long will the majority of mothers
sacrifice children to the eternal ennui and vacuity of our modern social
and club life?
There is no intention here to recommend that social life and public
activities shall be deprived of the influence of experienced and
thinking mothers. But I only wish to point to the cases of overstrain
now caused by the stress of excessive sociability and outside activity.
This kind of over-exertion, more especially, injures the home through
the mother. In our day as in all other periods, be our opinions in other
respects what they may, pagan, Christian, Jewish, or free thinking, a
good home is only created by those parents who have a religious
reverence for the holiness of the home.