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THE Old Woman and me had quite an argument last Sunday,” said the Old
Soak. “It ended up with her turning a saucepan full of hot peas onto my
bald spot, which ain't no way to treat garden truck, with the cost of
things what they be.
“But I won one of these here moral victories, even if she did get the
best of me and chase me out of the house.
“It all come about over some pie we had for dinner on Sunday. It looked
like mince pie to me when she set it on the table, and I says to her why
don't she make some rhubarb pie or apple pie or something, for this is
a hell of a time of year to be having mince pie. And mince pie ain't no
good anyhow unless you put a shot of brandy or hard cider into it. She
knows I orter be careful what I put into my stomach, which is all to the
bad since I can't get the right kind of drink any more, and I told her
so.
“'Well, then,' says she, 'this ain't mince pie. This is raisin pie.'
“'Raisin pie!' I says, and I was shocked and scandalized. 'Raisin pie!
Good lord, woman, are you crazy? You don't mean to say you've went and
took hundreds and hundreds of good raisins and went and wasted them
thataway by puttin' 'em in a _pie!_ It's the most extravagant thing I
ever hearn tell on! Ain't you got sense enough to know that in these
days raisins ain't something you eat?'
'“Well, what are they, then?' she says.
'“Raisins, I told her, 'is something you make hootch out of, and you
know I'm reduced to makin' my own stuff these days. And yet here you be,
puttin' at least a quart of good raisins into a gosh-darned pie!'
“Well, one word led to another, and, as I said, she hit me with the
peas. But I got away with that pie. I won the moral victory. I got that
pie fermentin' now, in the bottom of a cask full of grape and berry
juice and other truck I picked up here and there. No, sir, there ain't
goin' to be no raisins wasted around my house by eatin' of 'em in this
here time of need!”
The Old Soak was silent a moment, and then he said: “This here
installment of my diary of booze takes up that very point of quarrellin'
with the Old Woman.”