One of the latest peculiarities of the KAISER is an absolute horror at the
thought of being prematurely buried. Several experts however say that this
is impossible.
***
It appears that HINDENBURG accuses the CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA of having
misunderstood an order, thus losing Grandcourt for the Germans. RUPPRECHT,
we understand, retorted that the real culprits were the British.
***
In a character-sketch of VON BISSING, the _Cologne Gazette_ says, "He is a
fine musician and his execution is good." It would be.
***
[Illustration: THE PAPER SHORTAGE.
_News Editor of_ "_Daily Bugle Blast_." "JUST TYPE A SHORT NOTICE THAT
FINDERS OF FIRST SNOWDROP, CROCUS, PRIMROSE OR ANY EARLY SPRING PHENOMENA
MUST APPRISE WORLD THROUGH OUR ADVERTISEMENT COLUMNS."]
***
No German submarine, says ADMIRAL VON CAPELLE, has been lost since the
beginning of the submarine war. This assurance has been received with the
liveliest satisfaction by several U-boat commanders who have been in the
awkward predicament of not knowing whether they were officially missing.
***
Captain BOY ED is stated to have returned to the United States disguised.
Not on this occasion, we may assume, as an officer and a gentleman.
***
According to the ex-Portuguese Consul at Hamburg bone tickets are issued
for making soup, but the bone must be returned to the authorities. Possibly
the hardship of the procedure would be mitigated if ticket-holders were
permitted to growl.
***
A metallurgical engineer at the Surbiton Tribunal said he was forty-one
years old, and only missed the age-limit by eighteen hours. It is not
thought that he did it purposely.
***
At the Billericay Tribunal an applicant last week stated that he had nine
children, but upon counting them again he discovered that he had ten. There
seems to be no excuse for this sort of thing, for Adding machines are now
fairly well advertised.
***
Discussing the latest dress fashion, a lady writer says, "It is a most
ridiculous dress. Nothing worse could be conceived." This, of course, is
foolish talk, for the lady has not seen next season's style.
***
Austrian tobacconists are now prohibited from selling more than one cigar a
day to a customer. To conserve the supply still further it is proposed to
compel the tobacconist to offer each customer the alternative of nuts.
***
"When I see a map of the British Empire," said Mr. PONSONBY, M.P., "I do
not feel any pride whatsoever." People have been known to express similar
sentiments upon sighting certain M.P.'s.
***
"The public must hold up the policeman's hands," said a London magistrate
in a recent traffic case. It is astonishing how some policeman are able to
hold them up without assistance for several seconds at a time.
***
The staff of the new Pensions Minister, it is announced, will be over two
thousand. It is still hoped, however, that there may be a small surplus
which can be devoted to the needs of disabled soldiers.
***
Several men have been arrested in Dresden for passing counterfeit food
tickets. The defence will presumably be that it wasn't real food.
***
The Royal Engineers are advertising for seamen for the Inland Water
Transport Section. The Chief Transport Officer, we understand, has already
hoisted his bargee.
***
Eggs to the number of six million odd have just arrived from China, says a
news item, and will be used for confectionery. Had they arrived three
months ago nothing could have averted a General Election.
***
A hen while being sold at a Red Cross sale at Horsham laid an egg which
fetched 35_s._ In the best hen circles, where steady silent work is being
done, there is a growing tendency to frown upon these isolated acts of
ostentatious patriotism.
***
_The Times_, it seems, has not published a complete list of its rivals in
the desperate struggle for the smallest circulation. A Finchley Church
magazine has increased its price to 1-1/2_d._ a copy.
***
Paper bags are no longer being used by greengrocers in Bangor, and their
customers are patriotically assisting this economy by unpodding their green
peas and rolling them home.
***
"Bacon, as a breakfast food," says an evening paper, "is fast disappearing
from the table." We have often noticed it do so.
***
"It is pitiful and disgraceful," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "to watch
women-folk walking beside their half-starved dogs. There is no room in
warfare for dogs." We have all along felt sorry for the poor animals at a
time when one half the dachshund does not know how the other half lives.
***
A Felicitous Juxtaposition.
"EGGS FOR LINCOLN HOSPITAL.
COL. ---- LAYS A FALSE RUMOUR."--_Lincoln Leader_.
***
"PULLETS, laying 3s. 6d. each."--_Provincial Paper_.
Yet farmers persist in telling us there's no money in fowls.
***
"The first description of how the German Fleet reached Rome after the
battle of Jutland is furnished by a neutral from Kiel."--_Johannesburg
Daily Mail_.
Of all the roads that lead to Rome this is certainly the roughest.
***