No. II.--PREPARATION.
SCENE.--_The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of
Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy
of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends_ BUCKSTONE BOLDERO,
TIFFINGTON SPINKS, CHARLIE GUSHBY, _and_ HARRY HALL. _Besides these, we
may note_ Colonel THOMAS CLUMK, _an ex-military Amateur, who devotes
more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever
did to soldiering. Then there is_ ANDREW JARP, _a portly and elderly
partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long
practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office
is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private
brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies
the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man
of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he
hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer._ HORATIO SPUFFIL _is
also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned
such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council.
A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The
Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres
Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in
their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"_--Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE,
Miss AMELIA SLIMPER, _who are new to the Amateurs,_ and KITTY LARKINGS,
_who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before._ BOLDERO _is Stage
Manager. The Stage is occupied by_ SPINKS (_as_ Colonel DEBENHAM, _a
retired Indian Officer_), GUSHBY (_as_ TOM TILBURY, _a comic Country
Squire_), _and_ DOROTHY SHUTTLE (_as_ BELINDA, _Nurserymaid in the
family of_ Lord _and_ Lady SHORTHORN, _represented respectively by_
BOLDERO _and_ Miss AMELIA).
_Boldero_ (_from the front of the house_). Stop a moment! You know we
really must settle what we are to do about those two children that
_Belinda's_ got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the
Duchess of MIDDLESEX to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but
she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here
who can help us? [_The three Ladies titter._
_Gushby_ (_in whose breast the leading part played by_ SPINKS _still
rankles_). Why not let SPINKS do it? He's always wanting to "double"
parts, and here's a splendid chance for him.
_Spinks_ (_coldly_). That's _very_ funny--really _very_ funny, GUSHBY.
It's a pity "Colonel DEBENHAM" (_alluding to his own rôle in the
comedy_) isn't a _clown's_ part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it
was. Ha, ha! (_bitterly_).
_Colonel Clumk_. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two
red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em.
_Boldero._ That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow.
Let's get on a bit now. Come, SPINKS!
_Spinks._ Where were we? (_With an air of intense annoyance._) These
constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (_Resumes
rehearsing the part of_ "Colonel DEBENHAM.") "Nursemaid, take those
squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady SHORTHORN permitting them
in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once--at once, I say; or I'll
make curry-powder of the lot of you!"
_Miss Dorothy Shuttle_ (_as_ "BELINDA"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so
spoken to afore. (_To her imaginary children._) Did the horrid man scold
them, then, pretty dears? (_To_ DEBENHAM.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit
to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [_Exit, wheeling
an imaginary perambulator._
_Boldero_ (_enthusiastically_). Excellent! That couldn't have been done
better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go.
(Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE _is much pleased, and foresees several stalls
being taken on the occasion of her next benefit._) Now, then (_to_
SPINKS, _who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to
praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal_), SPINKS,
hurry up a bit, hurry up!
_Spinks._ My dear BOLDERO, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever
the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to
get on if _everybody_ wants to talk at the same moment. (_Resumes his
part as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _shaking his fist at the departing_
BELINDA.) "Impertinent minx! (_Turns furiously on_ GUSHBY, _who is on
the stage in the character of_ TILBURY, _the comic Squire._) And you,
Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by
standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not
stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable
turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (_Carried away by histrionic
enthusiasm_, SPINKS _brings his fist down violently on the precise spot
where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he
hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the
Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic.
The unfortunate_ SPINKS _hurts himself considerably, and is furious.
Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself
again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager._) Upon my soul,
BOLDERO, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get
that table placed there _at all costs_, and time after time you forget
it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be
d---- (_suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a
milder expletive_)--confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm
too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined.
You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics.
[_Limps up and down the Stage._
_Miss Amelia Slimper_ (_rather a novice, and anxious to make useful
acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs--to_ Miss KITTY,
_whispering_). Are they very keen about notices?
_Miss Kitty_ (_experienced in Amateurs_). Keen! I should think they
were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.
_Boldero_ (_peaceably_). Well, SPINKS, you know you smashed two tables
last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see
it's there next time. Now then, JARP! Where's JARP? This is his
entrance. Where the deuce is he? (_Enter_ JARP _as_ "Mr. BINNS, _Butler
to_ Lord SHORTHORN"). Dear me, JARP, what have you been up to?
_Jarp_ (_vexed_). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been
learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to
follow my example, instead of talking all day.
_Boldero._ JARP, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if
you know your part, after all this.
JARP (_as_ BINNS, _without moving a muscle_). "'Er Ladyship's
compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would like to see you."
_Spinks_ (_as_ DEBENHAM). "Very well. Tell her I'll come."
_Jarp_ (_as_ BINNS). "Yes, Sir."
[_Exit_ JARP _as_ BINNS, _but immediately becomes_ JARP, _and complains
to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The
professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very
provoking, and_ Miss AMELIA _takes the opportunity of expressing her
confident opinion that he_, JARP, _will play his part admirably, and
only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the
conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability
of_ Miss AMELIA _being engaged next season at a fashionable London
Theatre, &c., &c._
_Miss Dorothy_ (_aside, in a whisper, to_ Miss KITTY, _alluding to_
JARP'S _recent exit_). Is that all he's got to say?
_Miss Kitty_ (_in same tone to_ Miss DOROTHY). Not quite. He says, "'Er
Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of
learning.
[_The rehearsal proceeds._ SPUFFIL _does wonders as "a young man about
town";_ Colonel CLUMK _performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a
manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar._ BOLDERO
_having praised_ SPINKS, _is pronounced by the latter to be
unapproachable as_ Lord SHORTHORN. _In the Third Act_, HALL _sings his
song about_ "the Boy in Buttons." _On the previous day, he had had a
difference with_ SPINKS _and_ BOLDERO.
_Boldero._ I think that song's out of place. What say you, SPINKS?
_Spinks._ Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.
_Boldero._ Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, HALL. It'll do for next
year just as well. You can make it fit any piece?
_Hall_ (_pale, but determined_). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes,
SPINKS, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to BOLDERO,
but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (_observes_ SPUFFIL
_smiling_) no, nor of SPUFFIL'S either, when you spoke to me yesterday:
and as for GUSHBY, why we all know what GUSHBY is.
[_All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes._
_Boldero_ (_looking at his watch_). Good heavens! we shall miss our
train, and I've promised to look in on IRVING to-night. He'd never
forgive me if I didn't turn up.
[_Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other
Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court,"
are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with
himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else._
_Miss Amelia_ (_to_ KITTY). What a funny lot! Are they like that every
year?
_Miss Kitty._ Yes, always. But (_confidentially_) they do come out
strong for a "ben."
[_They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest._
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