In the grey dawn of Friday morning Katharine woke from broken sleep to
face the reality of what she had done twenty-four hours earlier. It had
snowed very heavily during the night, and her first conscious perception
was of that strange, cold glare which the snow reflects, and which makes
even a bedroom feel like a chilly outer hall into which the daylight
penetrates through thick panes of ground glass.
She had slept very little, and against her will, losing consciousness
from time to time out of sheer exhaustion, and roused again by the cruel
reuniting of the train of thought. Those who have received a wound by
which a principal nerve has been divided, know how intense is the
suffering when the severed cords begin to grow together, with agonizing
slowness, day by day and week by week, convulsing the whole frame of the
man in their meeting. Katharine felt something like that each time that
the merciful curtains of sleep were suddenly torn asunder between
herself and the truth of the present.
The pain was combined of many elements, too, and each hurt her in its
own way. There was the shame of the thing, first, the burning, scarlet
shame--the thought of it had a colour for her. John Ralston was
disgraced in the eyes of all the world. Even the smooth-faced dandy,
fresh from college, young Van De Water, might sneer at him and welcome,
and feel superior to him, for never having gone so far in folly. Now if
such men as Van De Water knew the story, it was but a question of hours,
and all society must know it, too. Society would set down John Ralston
as a hopeless case. Katharine wondered, with a sickening chill, whether
the virtuous--like her father--would turn their backs on Ralston and
refuse to know him. She did not know. But Ralston was her husband.
The thought almost drove her mad. There was that condition of the
inevitable in her position which gives fate its hold over men’s minds.
She could not escape. She could not go back to the point where she had
been yesterday morning, and begin her life again. As she had begun it,
so it must go on to the very end, ‘until death them should part’--the
life of a spotless girl married to a man who was the very incarnation of
a disgusting vice. In those first moments it would have been a human
satisfaction to have been free to blame some one besides herself for
what she had done.
But even now, when every bitter thought seemed to rise up against John
Ralston, she could not say that the fault had been his if she had bound
herself to him. To the very last he had resisted. This was Friday
morning, and on the Wednesday night at the Thirlwalls’ he had told her
that he could not be sure of himself. By and by, perhaps, that brave act
of his might begin to tell in his favour with her, but not yet. The
faces, the expressions, the words, of those from whom she had learned
the story of his doings were before her eyes and present in her hearing
now, as she lay wide awake in the early morning, staring with hot eyes
at the cold grey ceiling of her room.
It was only yesterday that her sister Charlotte had sat there, lamenting
her imaginary woes. How Katharine had despised her! Had she not
deliberately chosen, of her own free will, and was she not bound to
stand by her choice, out of mere self-respect? And Katharine had felt
then that, come what might, for good or ill, better or worse, honour or
dishonour, she was glad that she had married John Ralston and that she
would face all imaginable deaths to help him, even a little. But
now--now, it was different. He had failed her at the very outset. It was
not that others had turned upon him, despising him wholly for a partial
fault. The public disgrace made it all worse than it might have been,
but it was only secondary, after all. The keenest pain was from the
thrust that had entered Katharine’s own heart. It had been with him as
though she had not existed. He had not been strong enough, for her sake,
on their wedding day--the day of days to her--to keep himself sober from
three o’clock in the afternoon until ten o’clock at night. Only seven
hours, Katharine repeated to herself in the cold snow-glare of the early
morning--seven little hours; her lips were hot and dry with anger, and
her hands were cold, as she thought of it. It was not only the weakness
of him, contemptible as that was--if it had at least been weakness for
something less brutal, less beastly, less degrading. Katharine chose the
strongest words she could think of, and smote him with them in her
heart. Was he not her husband, and had she not the right to hate and
despise what he had done? It was bad enough, as she said it, and as it
appeared to most people that morning. There was not a link missing in
the evidence, from the moment when John had begun to lose his temper
with Miner at the club, until he had been brought home insensible to his
mother’s house by a couple of policemen. His relations and his best
friends were all convinced that he had been very drunk, and there was no
reason why society in general should be more merciful than his own
people. Robert Lauderdale said nothing, but when he saw the paragraph
in a morning paper describing ‘Mr. John R----’s drunken encounter with
a professional pugilist,’ he regarded the statement as an elucidatory
comment on his interview with his great-nephew. No one spoke of the
matter in Robert Lauderdale’s presence, but the old gentleman felt that
it was a distinct shame to the whole family, and he inwardly expressed
himself strongly. The only one who tried to make matters look a little
better than every one believed they were, was Hamilton Bright. He could
not deny the facts, but he put on a cheerful countenance and made the
best of them, laughing good-humouredly at John’s misfortune, and asking
every one who ventured an unfavourable comment whether John was the only
man alive on that day in the city of New York who had once been a little
lively, recommending the beardless critics of his friend’s conduct to go
out and drive cattle in the Nacimiento Valley if they wished to
understand the real properties of alcohol, and making the older ones
feel uncomfortable by reminding them vividly of the errors of their
youth. But no one else said anything in Ralston’s favour. He was down
just then, and it was as well to hit him when everybody was doing the
same thing.
Katharine tried to make up her mind as to what she should do, and she
did not find it an easy matter. It would be useless to deny the fact
that what she felt for Ralston on that morning bore little resemblance
to love. She remembered vaguely, and with wonder, how she had promised
to stand by him and help him to her utmost to overcome his weakness. How
was she to help him now? How could she play a part and conceal the
anger, the pain, the shame that boiled and burned in her? If he should
come to her, what should she say? She had promised that she would never
refer to the matter in any way, when it had seemed but the shadow of a
possibility. But it had turned into the reality so soon, and into such a
reality--far more repulsive than anything of which she had dreamed.
Besides, she added in her heart, it was unpardonable on that day of all
days. Married she was, but forgive she could not and would not. Wounded
love is less merciful than any hatred, and Katharine could not help
deepening the wound by recalling every circumstance of the previous
evening, from the moment when she had looked in vain for John’s face in
the crowded room, until she had broken down and asked Hester Crowdie to
bring her home.
She rose at last to face the day, undecided, worn out with fatigue, and
scared, had she been willing to admit the fact, by the possibilities of
the next twelve hours. Half dressed, she paused and sat down to think it
all over again--all she knew, for she had yet to learn the end of the
story.
She had been married just four and twenty hours. Yesterday, at that
very time, life had been before her, joyous, hopeful, merry. All that
was to be had glistened with gold and gleamed with silver, with the
silver of dreamland and the gold of hope, having love set as a jewel in
the midst. To-day the precious things were but dross and tinsel and
cheap glass. For it was all over, and there was no returning. Real life
was beginning, began, had begun--the reality of an existence not defined
except in the extent of its suffering, but desperately limited in the
possibilities of its happiness.
Katharine tried to think it over in some other way. The snow-glare was
more grey than ever, and her eyes ached with it, whichever way she
turned. The room was cold, and her teeth chattered as she sat there,
half dressed. Then, when she let in the hot air from the furnace, it was
dry and unbearable. And she tried hard to find some other way in which
to save her breaking heart--if so be that she might look at it so as not
to see the break, and so, perhaps--if there were mercy in heaven, beyond
that aching snow-glare--that by not seeing she might feel a little less,
only a little less. It was hard that she should have to feel so much and
so very bitterly, and all at once. But there was no other way. Instead
of facing life with John Ralston, she had now to face life and John
Ralston. How could she guess what he might do next? A drunken man has
little control of his faculties--John might suddenly publish in the club
the fact that he was her husband.
He was not the same John Ralston whom she had married yesterday morning,
and whom she had seen yesterday afternoon for one moment at her door.
The hours had changed him. Instead of his face there was a horrible
mask; instead of his straight, elastic figure there was the reeling,
delapidated body of the drunken wretch her father had once shown her in
the streets. How could she love that thing? It was not even a man. She
loathed it and hated it, for it had broken her life. She remembered
having once broken a thermometer when she had been a little girl. She
remembered the jagged edge of glass, and how the bright mercury had all
run out and lost itself in tiny drops in the carpet. She recalled it
vividly, and she felt that she was like the broken thermometer, and the
idea was not ridiculous to her, as it must be to any one else, because
she was badly hurt.
Vague ideas of a long and painful sacrifice rose before her--of
something which must inevitably be begun and ended, like an execution.
She had never understood what the inevitable meant until to-day.
Then, all at once, the great question presented itself clearly, the
great query, the enormous interrogation of which we are all aware, more
or less dimly, more or less clearly--the question which is like the
death-rattle in the throat of the dying nineteenth century,--‘What is it
all for?’
It came in a rush of passionate disappointment and anger and pain. It
had come to Katharine before then, and she had faced it with the easy
answer, that it was for love--that it was all for love of John
Ralston--life, its thoughts, its deeds, its hopes, its many fears--all
for him, so far as Katharine Lauderdale was concerned. Love made God
true, and heaven a fact, the angels her guardians now and her companions
hereafter. And her love had been so great that it had seemed to demand a
wider wealth of heavenly things wherewith to frame it. God was hardly
good enough nor heaven broad enough.
But if this were to be the end, what had it all meant? She stood before
the window and looked at the grey sky till the reflection from the dead
white snow beneath her window and on the opposite roof was painful. Yet
the little physical pain was a relief. She turned, quite suddenly, and
fell upon her knees beside the corner of the toilet table, and buried
her face in her hands and became conscious of prayer.
That seems to be the only way of describing what she felt. The wave of
pain beat upon her agonized heart, and though the wave could not speak
words, yet the surging and the moaning, and the forward rushing, and
the backward, whispering ebb, were as the sounds of many prayers.
Was God good? How could she tell? Was He kind? She did not know.
Merciful? What would be mercy to her? God was there--somewhere beyond
the snow-glare that hurt so, and the girl’s breaking heart cried to Him,
quite incoherently, and expecting nothing, but consciously, though it
knew more of its own bitterness than of God’s goodness, just then.
Momentarily the great question sank back into the outer darkness with
which it was concerned, and little by little the religious idea of a
sacrifice to be made was restored with greater stability than before.
She had chosen her own burden, her own way of suffering, and she must
bear all as well as she could. The waves of pain beat and crashed
against her heart--she wondered, childishly, whether it were broken yet.
She knew it was breaking, because it hurt her so.
There was no connected thread of thought in the torn tissue of her mind,
any more than there was any coherence in the few words which from time
to time tried to form themselves on her lips without her knowledge. So
long as she had been lying still and staring at the grey ceiling, the
storm had been brooding. It had burst now, and she was as helpless in it
as though it had been a real storm on a real sea, and she alone on a
driving wreck.
She lifted her face and wrung her hands together. It was as though some
one from behind had taken a turn of rough rope round her breast--some
one who was very strong--and as though the rope were tightening fast.
Soon she should not be able to draw breath against it. As she felt it
crushing her, she knew that the hideous picture her mind had made of
John was coming before her eyes again. In a moment it must be there.
This time she felt as though she must scream when she saw it. But when
it came she made no sound. She only dropped her head again, and her
forehead beat upon the back of her hands and her fingers scratched and
drew the cover of the toilet table. Then the picture was drowned in the
tide of pain--as though it had fallen flat upon the dark sands between
her and the cruel surf of her immense suffering that roared up to crash
against her heart again. It must break this time, she thought. It could
not last forever--nor even all day long. God was there--somewhere.
A lull came, and she said something aloud. It seemed to her that she had
forgotten words and had to make new ones--although those she spoke were
old and good. With the sound of her own voice came a little courage, and
enough determination to make her rise from her knees and face daylight
again.
Mechanically, as she continued to dress, she looked at herself in the
mirror. Her features did not seem to be her own. She remembered to have
seen a plaster cast from a death mask, in a museum, and her face made
her think of that. There were no lines in it, but there were shadows
where the lines would be some day. The grey eyes had no light in them,
and scarcely seemed alive. Her colour was that of wax, and there was
something unnatural in the strong black brows and lashes.
The door opened at that moment, and Mrs. Lauderdale entered the room.
She seemed none the worse for having danced till morning, and the
freshness which had come back to her had not disappeared again. She
stood still for a moment, looking at Katharine’s face as the latter
turned towards her with an enquiring glance, in which there was
something of fear and something of shyness. A nervous thoroughbred has
the same look, if some one unexpectedly enters its box. Mrs. Lauderdale
had a newspaper in her hand.
“How you look, child!” she exclaimed, as she came forward. “Haven’t you
slept? Or what is the matter?”
She kissed Katharine affectionately, without waiting for an answer.
“Well, I don’t wonder,” she added, a moment later, as though speaking to
herself. “I’ve been reading this--”
She paused and hesitated, as though not sure whether she should give
Katharine the paper or not, and she glanced once more at the paragraph
before deciding.
“What is it about?” Katharine asked, in a tired voice. “Read it.”
“Yes--but I ought to tell you first. You know, last night--you asked me
about Jack Ralston, and I wouldn’t tell you what I had heard. Then I saw
that somebody else had told you--you really ought to be more careful,
dear! Everybody was noticing it.”
“What?”
“Why--your face! It’s of no use to advertise the fact that you are
interested in Jack’s doings. They don’t seem to have been very
creditable--it’s just as well that he didn’t try to come to the ball in
his condition. Do you know what he was doing, late last night, just
about supper-time? I’m so glad I spoke to you both the other day.
Imagine the mere idea of marrying a man who gets into drunken brawls
with prize fighters and is taken home by the police--”
“Stop--please! Don’t talk like that!” Katharine was trembling visibly.
“My dear child! It’s far better that I should tell you--it’s in the
papers this morning. That sort of thing can’t be concealed, you know.
The first person you meet will talk to you about it.”
Katharine had turned from her and was facing the mirror, steadying
herself with her hands upon the dressing table.
“And as for behaving as you did last night--he’s not worth it. One might
forgive him for being idle and all that--but men who get tipsy in the
streets and fight horse-car conductors and pugilists are not exactly the
kind of people one wants to meet in society--to dance with, for
instance. Just listen to this--”
“Mother!”
“No--I want you to hear it. You can judge for yourself. ‘Mr. John R----,
a well-known young gentleman about town and a near relation of--’”
“Mother--please don’t!” cried Katharine, bending over the table as
though she could not hold up her head.
“‘--one of our financial magnates,’” continued Mrs. Lauderdale,
inexorably, “and the hero of more than one midnight adventure, has at
last met his match in the person of Tam Shelton, the famous light-weight
pugilist. An entirety unadvertised and scantily attended encounter took
place between these two gentlemen last night between eleven and twelve
o’clock, in consequence of a dispute which had arisen in a horse-car. It
appears that the representative of the four hundred had mistaken the
public conveyance for his own comfortable quarters, and suddenly feeling
very tired had naturally proceeded to go to bed--’”
With a very quick motion Katharine turned, took the paper from her
mother’s hands and tore the doubled fourfold sheet through twice, almost
without any apparent effort, before Mrs. Lauderdale could interfere. She
said nothing as she tossed the torn bits under the table, but her eyes
had suddenly got life in them again.
“Katharine!” exclaimed Mrs. Lauderdale, in great annoyance. “How can you
be so rude?”
“And how can you be so unkind, mother?” asked Katharine, facing her.
“Don’t you know what I’m suffering?”
“It’s better to know everything, and have it over,” answered Mrs.
Lauderdale, with astonishing indifference. “It only seemed to me that as
every one would be discussing this abominable affair, you should know
beforehand just what the facts were. I don’t in the least wish to hurt
your feelings--but now that it’s all over with Jack, you may as well
know.”
“What may I as well know? That you hate him? That you have suddenly
changed your mind--”
“My dear, I’ll merely ask you whether a man who does such things is
respectable. Yes, or no?”
“That’s not the question,” answered Katharine, with rising anger.
“Something strange has happened to you. Until last Tuesday you never
said anything against him. Then you changed, all in a moment--just as
you would take off one pair of gloves and put on another. You used to
understand me--and now--oh, mother!”
Her voice shook, and she turned away again. The little momentary flame
of her anger was swept out of existence by the returning tide of pain.
Mrs. Lauderdale’s whole character seemed to have changed, as her
daughter said that it had, between one day and the next. A strong new
passion had risen up in the very midst of it and had torn it to shreds,
as it were. Even now, as she gazed at Katharine, she was conscious that
she envied the girl for being able to suffer without looking old. She
hated herself for it, but she could not resist it, any more than she
could help glancing at her own reflection in the mirror that morning to
see whether her face showed any fatigue after the long ball. This at
least was satisfactory, for she was as brilliantly fresh as ever. She
could hardly understand how she could have seemed so utterly broken down
and weary on Monday night and all day on Tuesday, but she could never
forget how she had then looked, and the fear of it was continually upon
her. Nevertheless she loved Katharine still. The conflict between her
love and her envy made her seem oddly inconsequent and almost frivolous.
Katharine fancied that her mother was growing to be like Charlotte. The
appealing tone of the girl’s last words rang in Mrs. Lauderdale’s ears
and accused her. She stretched out her hand and tried to draw Katharine
towards her, affectionately, as she often did when she was seated and
the girl was standing.
“Katharine, dear child,” she began, “I’m not changed to you--it’s
only--”
“Yes--it’s only Jack!” answered Katharine, bitterly.
“We won’t talk of him, darling,” said Mrs. Lauderdale, softly, and
trying to soothe her. “You see, I didn’t know how badly you felt about
it--”
“You might have guessed. You know that I love him--you never knew how
much!”
“Yes, sweetheart, but now--”
“There is no ‘but’--it’s the passion of my life--the first, the last,
and the only one!”
“You’re so young, my darling, that it seems to you as though there could
never be anything else--”
“Seems! I know.”
Though Mrs. Lauderdale had already repented of what she had done and
really wished to be sympathetic, she could not help smiling faintly at
the absolute conviction with which Katharine spoke. There was something
so young and whole-hearted in the tone as well as in those words that
only found an echo far back in the forgotten fields of the older
woman’s understanding. She hardly knew what to answer, and patted
Katharine’s head gently while she sought for something to say. But
Katharine resented the affectionate manner, being in no humour to
appreciate anything which had a savour of artificiality about it. She
withdrew her hand and faced her mother again.
“I know all that you can tell me,” she said. “I know all there is to be
known, without reading that vile thing. But I don’t know what I shall
do--I shall decide. And, please--mother--if you care for me at
all--don’t talk about it. It’s hard enough, as it is--just the thing,
without any words.”
She spoke with an effort, almost forcing the syllables from her lips,
for she was suffering terribly just then. She wished that her mother
would go away, and leave her to herself, if only for half an hour. She
had so much more to think of than any one could know, or guess--except
old Robert Lauderdale and Jack himself.
“Well, child--as you like,” said Mrs. Lauderdale, feeling that she had
made a series of mistakes. “I’m sure I don’t care to talk about it in
the least, but I can’t prevent your father from saying what he pleases.
Of course he began to make remarks about your not coming to breakfast
this morning. I didn’t go down myself until he had nearly finished, and
he seemed hurt at our neglecting him. And then, he had been reading the
paper, and so the question came up. But, dearest, don’t think I’m unkind
and heartless and all that sort of thing. I love you dearly, child.
Don’t you believe me?”
She put her arm round Katharine’s neck and kissed her.
“Oh, yes!” Katharine answered wearily. “I’m sure you do.”
Mrs. Lauderdale looked into her face long and earnestly.
“It’s quite wonderful!” she exclaimed at last. “You’re a little
pale--but, after all, you’re just as pretty as ever this morning.”
“Am I?” asked Katharine, indifferently. “I don’t feel pretty.”
“Oh, well--that will all go away,” answered Mrs. Lauderdale, withdrawing
her arm and turning towards the door. “Yes,” she repeated thoughtfully,
as though to herself, “that will all go away. You’re so young--still--so
young!”
Her head sank forward a little as she went out and she did not look back
at her daughter.
Katharine drew a long breath of relief when she found herself alone. The
interview had not lasted many minutes, but it had seemed endless. She
looked at the torn pieces of the newspaper which lay on the floor, and
she shuddered a little and turned from them uneasily, half afraid that
some supernatural power might force her to stoop down and pick them up,
and fit them together and read the paragraph to the end. She sat down to
try and collect her thoughts.
But she grew more and more confused as she reviewed the past and tried
to call up the future. For instance, if John Ralston came to the house
that afternoon, to explain, to defend himself, to ask forgiveness of
her, what should she say to him? Could she send him away without a word
of hope? And if not, what hope should she give him? And hope of what? He
was her husband. He had a right to claim her if he pleased--before every
one.
The words all seemed to be gradually losing their meaning for her. The
bells of the horse-cars as they passed through Clinton Place sang queer
little songs to her, and the snow-glare made her eyes ache. There was no
longer any apparent reason why the day should go on, nor why it should
end. She did not know what time it was, and she did not care to look.
What difference did it make?
Her ball gown was lying on the sofa, as she had laid it when she had
come home. She looked at it and wondered vaguely whether she should ever
again take the trouble to put on such a thing, and to go and show
herself amongst a crowd of people who were perfectly indifferent to her.
On reflection, for she seriously tried to reflect, it seemed more
probable that John would write before coming, and this would give her
an opportunity of answering. It would be easier to write than to speak.
But if she wrote, what should she say? It was just as hard to decide,
and the words would look more unkind on paper, perhaps, than she could
possibly make them sound.
Was it her duty to speak harshly? She asked herself the question quite
suddenly, and it startled her. If her heart were really broken, she
thought, there could be nothing for her to do but to say once what she
thought and then begin the weary life that lay before her--an endless
stretch of glaring snow, and endless jingling of horse-car bells.
She rose suddenly and roused herself, conscious that she was almost
losing her senses. The monstrous incongruity of the thoughts that
crossed her brain frightened her. She pressed her hand to her forehead
and with characteristic strength determined there and then to occupy
herself in some way or other during the day. To sit there in her room
much longer would either drive her mad or make her break down
completely. She feared the mere thought of those tears in which some
women find relief, almost as much as the idea of becoming insane, which
presented itself vividly as a possibility just then. Whatever was to
happen during the day, she must at any cost have control over her
outward actions. She stood for one moment with her hands clasped to her
brows, and then turned and left the room.