THE LAW.
The most litigious fellow I ever knew, was a Welshman, named Bones. He
had got possession, by some means, of a bit of waste ground behind a
public-house in Hogwash Street. Adjoining this land was a yard belonging
to the parish of St. Jeremiah, which the Parish Trustees were fencing in
with a wall. Bones alleged that one corner of their wall was advanced
about ten inches on his ground, and as they declined to remove it back,
he kicked down the brick-work before the mortar was dry. The Trustees
having satisfied themselves that they were not only within their
boundary, but that they had left Bones some feet of the parish land to
boot, built up the wall again. Bones kicked it down again.
The Trustees put it up a third time, under the protection of a
policeman. The inexorable Bones, in spite of the awful presence of this
functionary, not only kicked down the wall again, but kicked the
brick-layers into the bargain. This was too much, and Bones was marched
off to Guildhall for assaulting the brick-layers. The magistrate rather
pooh-poohed the complaint, but bound over Bones to keep the peace. The
_causa belli_, the wall, was re-edified a fourth time; but when the
Trustees revisited the place next morning, it was again in ruins! While
they were in consultation upon this last insult, they were politely
waited on by an attorney's clerk, who served them all with "writs" in an
action of trespass, at the suit of Bones, for encroaching on his land.
Thus war was declared about a piece of dirty land literally not so big
as a door-step, and the whole fee-simple of which would not sell for a
shilling. The Trustees, however, thought they ought not to give up the
rights of the parish to the obstinacy of a perverse fellow, like Bones,
and resolved to indict Bones for assaulting the workmen. Accordingly,
the action and the indictment went on together.
The action was tried first, and as the evidence clearly showed the
Trustees had kept within their own boundary, they got the verdict. Bones
moved for a new trial; that failed. The Trustees now thought they would
let the matter rest, as it had cost the parish about one hundred and
fifty pounds, and they supposed Bones had had enough of it. But they had
mistaken their man. He brought a writ of error in the action, which
carried the cause into the Exchequer Court, and tied it up nearly two
years, and in the meantime he forced them _nolens volens_ to try the
indictment. When the trial came on, the judge said, that as the whole
question had been decided in the action, there was no occasion for any
further proceedings, and therefore the Defendant had better be
acquitted, and so make an end of it.
Accordingly, Bones was acquitted; and the very next thing Bones did was
to sue the Trustees in a new action, for maliciously instituting the
indictment against him without reasonable cause! The new action went on
to trial; and it being proved that one of the Trustees had been
overheard to say that they would punish him; this was taken as evidence
of malice, and Bones got a verdict for forty shillings damages besides
all the costs. Elated with this victory, Bones pushed on his old action
in the Exchequer Chamber to a hearing, but the Court affirmed the
judgment against him, without hearing the Trustees' counsel.
The Trustees were now sick of the very name of Bones, which had become a
sort of bugbear, so that if a Trustee met a friend in the street he
would be greeted with an inquiry after the health of his friend, Mr.
Bones. They would have gladly let the whole matter drop into oblivion,
but Jupiter and Bones had determined otherwise; for the indomitable
Briton brought a Writ of Error in the House of Lords, on the judgment of
the Exchequer Chamber. The unhappy Trustees had caught a Tartar, and
follow him into the Lords they must. Accordingly, after another year or
two's delay, the case came on in the Lords. Their Lordships pronounced
it the most trumpery Writ of Error they had ever seen, and again
affirmed the judgment, with costs, against Bones. The Trustees now taxed
their costs, and found that they had spent not less than five hundred
pounds in defending their claims to a bit of ground that was not of the
value of an old shoe. But, then, Bones was condemned to pay the costs.
True--so they issued execution against Bones; caught him, after some
trouble, and locked him up in jail. The next week, Bones petitioned the
Insolvent Court, got out of prison, and, on examination of his schedule,
his effects appeared to be £0 0_s._ 0_d._! Bones had, in fact, been
fighting the Trustees on credit for the last three years; for his own
attorney was put down as a creditor to a large amount, which was the
only satisfaction the Trustees obtained from perusing his schedule.
They were now obliged to have recourse to the Parish funds to pay their
own law expenses, and were consoling themselves with the reflection that
these did not come out of _their own pockets_--when they received the
usual notification that a Bill in Chancery had been filed against them,
at Mr. Bones's suit, to overhaul their accounts with the parish, and
_prevent the misapplication of the Parish money_ to the payment of
their law costs! This was the climax. And being myself a disciple of
Coke, I have heard nothing further of it; being unwilling, as well
perhaps as unqualified, to follow the case into the labyrinthic vaults
of the Court of Chancery. The catastrophe, if this were a tale, could
hardly be mended--so the true story may end here.