it) which is said to mean a reformer of manners, I know no person
more proper to be applied to for redress in all the grievances we
suffer from want of manners in some people. You must know, I am a
single woman, and keep a shop in this town for a livelihood. There
is a certain neighbour of mine, who is really agreeable company
enough, and with whom I have had an intimacy of some time standing;
but of late she makes her visits so exceedingly often, and stays so
very long every visit, that I am tired out of all patience. I have
no manner of time at all to myself; and you, who seem to be a wise
man, must needs be sensible, that every person has little secrets
and privacies, that are not proper to be exposed even to the nearest
friend. Now I cannot do the least thing in the world, but she must
know about it; and it is a wonder I have found an opportunity to
write you this letter. My misfortune is, that I respect her very
well, and know not how to disoblige her so much as to tell her, I
should be glad to have less of her company; for if I should once
hint such a thing, I am afraid she would resent it so as never to
darken my door again.--But alas, Sir, I have not yet told you half
my affliction. She has two children that are just big enough to
run about and do pretty mischief: these are continually along with
mamma, either in my room or shop, if I have ever so many customers
or people with me about business. Sometimes they pull the goods off
my low shelves down to the ground, and perhaps where one of them has
just been making water. My friend takes up the stuff, and cries,
"Oh! thou little wicked mischievous rogue!" But however, it has done
no great damage; it is only wet a little, and so puts it up upon
the shelf again. Sometimes they get to my cask of nails behind the
counter, and divert themselves, to my great vexation, with mixing my
ten-penny and eight-penny and four-penny together. I endeavour to
conceal my uneasiness as much as possible, and with a grave look
go to sorting them out. She cries, "Don't thee trouble thyself,
neighbour. Let them play a little; I'll put all to rights before I
go." But things are never so put to rights but that I find a great
deal of work to do after they are gone. Thus, Sir, I have all the
trouble and pesterment of children, without the pleasure of calling
them my own; and they are now so used to being here that they will
be content no where else. If she would have been so kind as to have
moderated her visits to ten times a day, and staid but half an hour
at a time, I should have been contented, and I believe never have
given you this trouble. But this very morning they have so tormented
me that I could bear no longer; for while the mother was asking me
twenty impertinent questions, the youngest got to my nails, and with
great delight rattled them by handfuls all over the floor; and the
other at the same time made such a terrible din upon my counter with
a hammer, that I grew half distracted. I was just then about to make
myself a new suit of pinners, but in the fret and confusion I cut it
quite out of all manner of shape, and utterly spoiled a piece of the
first muslin. Pray, sir, tell me what I shall do. And talk a little
against such unreasonable visiting in your next paper: though I would
not have her affronted with me for a great deal, for sincerely I love
her and her children, as well, I think, as a neighbour can, and she
buys a great many things in a year at my shop. But I would beg her
to consider, that she uses me unmercifully, though I believe it is
only for want of thought. But I have twenty things more to tell you
besides all this: there is a handsome gentleman that has a mind (I
don't question) to make love to me; but he can't get the opportunity
to----O dear, here she comes again; I must conclude
"Your's, &c.
"PATIENCE."
Indeed, it is well enough, as it happens, that she is come to shorten
this complaint, which I think is full long enough already, and
probably would otherwise have been as long again. However, I must
confess, I cannot help pitying my correspondent's case, and in her
behalf, exhort the visitor to remember and consider the words of the
wise man, withdraw thy foot from the house of thy neighbour, lest
he grow weary of thee and so hate thee. It is, I believe, a nice
thing and very difficult, to regulate our visits in such a manner,
as never to give offence by coming too seldom, or too often, or
departing too abruptly, or staying too long. However, in my opinion,
it is safest for most people, in a general way, who are unwilling to
disoblige, to visit seldom, and tarry but a little while in a place;
notwithstanding pressing invitations, which are many times insincere.
And though more of your company should be really desired; yet in this
case, too much reservedness is a fault more easily excused than the
contrary.
Men are subject to various inconveniencies merely through lack of
a small share of courage, which is a quality very necessary in
the common occurrences of life, as well as in a battle. How many
impertinencies do we daily suffer with great uneasiness, because we
have not courage enough to discover our dislike? And why may not
a man use the boldness and freedom of telling his friends, that
their long visits sometimes incommode him? On this occasion, it may
be entertaining to some of my readers, if I acquaint them with the
Turkish manner of entertaining visitors, which I have from an author
of unquestionable veracity; who assures us, that even the Turks are
not so ignorant of civility and the arts of endearment, but that
they can practise them with as much exactness as any other nation,
whenever they have a mind to show themselves obliging.
"When you visit a person of quality (says he) and have talked over
your business, or the compliments, or whatever concern brought
you thither, he makes a sign to have things served in for the
entertainment, which is generally a little sweetmeat, a dish of
sherbet, and another of coffee; all which are immediately brought in
by the servants, and tendered to all the guests in order, with the
greatest care and awfulness imaginable. At last comes the finishing
part of your entertainment, which is, perfuming the beards of the
company; a ceremony which is performed in this manner. They have for
the purpose a small silver chaffing dish, covered with a lid full of
holes, and fixed upon a handsome plate. In this they put some fresh
coals, and upon them a piece of lignum aloes, and shutting it up, the
smoke immediately ascends with a grateful odour through the holes of
the cover. This smoke is held under every one's chin, and offered as
it were a sacrifice to his beard. The bristly idol soon receives the
reverence done to it, and so greedily takes in and incorporates the
gummy steam, that it retains the savour of it, and may serve for a
nosegay a good while after.
"This ceremony may perhaps seem ridiculous at first hearing; but it
passes among the Turks for an high gratification. And I will say this
in its vindication, that its design is very wise and useful. For it
is understood to give a civil dismission to the visitants, intimating
to them, that the master of the house has business to do, or some
other avocation, that permits them to go away as soon as they please;
and the sooner after this ceremony the better. By this means you may,
at any time, without offence, deliver yourself from being detained
from your affairs by tedious and unseasonable visits; and from being
constrained to use that piece of hypocrisy, so common in the world,
of pressing those to stay longer with you, whom perhaps in your heart
you wish a great way off for having troubled you so long already."
Thus far my author. For my own part, I have taken such a fancy to
this Turkish custom, that for the future I shall put something like
it in practice. I have provided a bottle of right French brandy for
the men, and citron water for the ladies. After I have treated with
a dram, and presented a pinch of my best snuff, I expect all company
will retire, and leave me to pursue my studies for the good of the
public.
_Advertisement._
I give notice, that I am now actually compiling, and design to
publish in a short time, the true history of the rise, growth, and
progress of the renowned Tiff Club. All persons who are acquainted
with any facts, circumstances, characters, transactions, &c. which
will be requisite to the perfecting and embellishment of the said
work, are desired to communicate the same to the author, and direct
their letters to be left with the printer hereof.
The letter signed Would-be-something is come to hand.
_The Busy-Body._--No. V.
FROM TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, TO TUESDAY, MARCH 4, 1728,--9.
Vos, o patricius sanguis, quos vivere fas est,
Occipiti cæco, posticæ occurrite sannæ. PERSIUS.
This paper being design'd for a terror to evil doers, as well as a
praise to them that do well, I am lifted up with secret joy to find,
that my undertaking is approved, and encourag'd by the just and good,
and that few are against me but those who have reason to fear me.
There are little follies in the behaviour of most men, which their
best friends are too tender to acquaint them with; there are little
vices and small crimes which the law has no regard to or remedy for:
there are likewise great pieces of villany sometimes so craftily
accomplished, and so circumspectly guarded, that the law can take
no hold of the actors. All these things, and all things of this
nature, come within my province as Censor, and I am determined not to
be negligent of the trust I have reposed in myself, but resolve to
execute my office diligently and faithfully.
And that all the world may judge with how much humanity, as well as
justice, I shall behave in this office; and that even my enemies
may be convinced I take no delight to rake into the dunghill lives
of vicious men; and to the end that certain persons may be a little
eased of their fears, and relieved from the terrible palpitations
they have lately felt and suffered, and do still suffer; I hereby
graciously pass an act of general oblivion, for all offences, crimes,
and misdemeanors of what kind soever, committed from the beginning
of the year 1681, until the day of the date of my first paper, and
promise only to concern myself with such as have been since and shall
hereafter be committed. I shall take no notice who has (heretofore)
raised a fortune by fraud and oppression, nor who by deceit and
hypocrisy; what woman has been false to her good husband's bed, nor
what man has, by barbarous usage or neglect, broke the heart of a
faithful wife, and wasted his health and substance in debauchery;
what base wretch has betrayed his friend, and sold his honesty for
gold, nor what baser wretch first corrupted him, and then bought the
bargain: all this, and much more of the same kind, I shall forget,
and pass over in silence; but then it is to be observed, that I
expect and require a sudden and general amendment.
These threatenings of mine, I hope will have a good effect, and, if
regarded, may prevent abundance of folly and wickedness in others,
and, at the same time, save me abundance of trouble: and that people
may not flatter themselves with the hopes of concealing their loose
misdemeanors from my knowledge, and in that view persist in evil
doing, I must acquaint them, that I have lately entered into an
intimacy with the extraordinary person, who some time since wrote
me the following letter; and who, having a wonderful faculty, that
enables him to discover the most secret iniquity, is capable of
giving me great assistance in my designed work of reformation.
"MR. BUSY-BODY,
"I rejoice, sir, at the opportunity you have given me to be
serviceable to you, and, by your means, to this province. You must
know, that such have been the circumstances of my life, and such
were the marvellous concurrences of my birth, that I have not only
a faculty of discovering the actions of persons, that are absent
or asleep, but even of the devil himself, in many of his secret
workings, in the various shapes, habits, and names of men and women:
and having travelled and conversed much, and met but with a very few
of the same perceptions and qualifications, I can recommend myself
to you as the most useful man you can correspond with. My father's
father's father (for we had no grandfathers in our family) was
the same John Bunyan that writ that memorable book, The Pilgrim's
Progress, who had, in some degree, a natural faculty of second sight.
This faculty (how derived to him our family memoirs are not very
clear) was enjoyed by all his descendants, but not by equal talents.
It was very dim in several of my first cousins, and probably had
been nearly extinct in our particular branch, had not my father
been a traveller. He lived, in his youthful days, in New England.
There he married, and there was born my elder brother, who had so
much of this faculty, as to discover witches in some of their occult
performances. My parents transporting themselves to Great Britain,
my second brother's birth was in that kingdom. He shared but a small
portion of this virtue, being only able to discern transactions about
the time of, and for the most part after, their happening. My good
father, who delighted in the Pilgrim's Progress, and mountainous
places, took shipping, with his wife, for Scotland, and inhabited in
the Highlands, where myself was born; and whether the soil, climate,
or astral influences, of which are preserved divers prognosticks,
restored our ancestor's natural faculty of second sight, in a greater
lustre to me, than it had shined in through several generations, I
will not here discuss. But so it is, that I am possessed largely
of it, and design, if you encourage the proposal, to take this
opportunity of doing good with it, which I question not will be
accepted of in a grateful way by many of your honest readers, though
the discovery of my extraction bodes me no deference from your great
scholars and modern philosophers. This my father was long ago aware
of, and lest the name alone should hurt the fortunes of his children,
he, in his shiftings from one country to another, wisely changed it.
"Sir, I have only this further to say, how I may be useful to you,
and as a reason for my not making myself more known in the world:
by virtue of this great gift of nature, second-sightedness, I do
continually see numbers of men, women, and children, of all ranks,
and what they are doing, while I am sitting in my closet; which is
too great a burthen for the mind, and makes me also conceit, even
against reason, that all this host of people can see and observe me,
which strongly inclines me to solitude, and an obscure living; and,
on the other hand, it will be an ease to me to disburthen my thoughts
and observations in the way proposed to you, by sir, your friend and
humble servant."
I conceal this correspondent's name, in my care for his life
and safety, and cannot but approve his prudence, in chusing to
live obscurely. I remember the fate of my poor monkey: he had an
illnatured trick of grinning and chattering at every thing he saw
in peticoats: my ignorant country neighbours got a notion, that pug
snarled by instinct at every female who had lost her virginity. This
was no sooner generally believed, than he was condemned to death:
by whom I could never learn, but he was assassinated in the night,
barbarously stabbed and mangled in a thousand places, and left
hanging dead on one of my gate posts, where I found him the next
morning.
The Censor observing, that the itch of scribbling begins to spread
exceedingly, and being carefully tender of the reputation of his
country, in point of wit and good sense, has determined to take all
manner of writings in verse or prose, that pretend to either, under
his immediate cognizance; and accordingly, hereby prohibits the
publishing any such for the future, till they have first passed his
examination, and received his imprimatur: for which he demands as a
fee only sixpence per sheet.
N. B. He nevertheless permits to be published, all satirical remarks
on the Busy-Body, the above prohibition notwithstanding, and without
examination, or requiring the said fees; which indulgence the small
wits, in and about this city, are advised gratefully to accept and
acknowledge.
The gentleman, who calls himself Sirronio, is directed, on receipt of
this, to burn his great book of Crudities.
P. S. In compassion to that young man, on account of the great pains
he has taken, in consideration of the character I have just received
of him, that he is really good natured, and on condition he shows it
to no foreigner, or stranger of sense, I have thought fit to reprieve
his said great book of Crudities from the flames, till further order.
Noli me tangere
I had resolved, when I first commenced this design, on no account to
enter into a public dispute with any man; for I judged it would be
equally unpleasant to me and my readers, to see this paper filled
with contentious wrangling, answers, replies, &c. which is a way
of writing that is endless, and, at the same time, seldom contains
any thing that is either edifying or entertaining. Yet, when such a
considerable man as Mr. ---- finds himself concerned so warmly to
accuse and condemn me, as he has done in Keimer's last Instructor,
I cannot forbear endeavouring to say something in my own defence,
from one of the worst of characters that could be given me by a man
of worth. But as I have many things of more consequence to offer the
public, I declare, that I will never, after this time, take notice
of any accusations, not better supported with truth and reason; much
less may every little scribbler, that shall attack me, expect an
answer from the Busy-Body.
The sum of the charge delivered against me, either directly or
indirectly, in the said paper, is this: not to mention the first
weighty sentence concerning vanity and ill-nature, and the shrewd
intimation, that I am without charity, and therefore can have no
pretence to religion, I am represented as guilty of defamation and
scandal, the odiousness of which is apparent to every good man,
and the practice of it opposite to christianity, morality, and
common justice, and, in some cases, so far below all these, as to be
inhuman; as a blaster of reputations; as attempting, by a pretence,
to screen myself from the imputation of malice and prejudice; as
using a weapon, which the wiser and better part of mankind hold in
abhorrence; and as giving treatment which the wiser and better part
of mankind dislike on the same principles, and for the same reason,
as they do assassination, &c.; and all this is inferred and concluded
from a character I have wrote in my Number III.
In order to examine the justice and truth of this heavy charge, let
us recur to that character. And here we may be surprized to find
what a trifle has raised this mighty clamour and complaint, this
grievous accusation!--The worst thing said of the person, in what is
called my gross description (be he who he will to whom my accuser has
applied the character of Cretico) is, that he is a sour philosopher,
crafty, but not wise. Few humane characters can be drawn that will
not fit some body, in so large a country as this; but one would
think, supposing I meant Cretico a real person, I had sufficiently
manifested my impartiality, when I said, in that very paragraph,
that Cretico is not without virtue; that there are many good things
in him, and many good actions reported of him; which must be allowed
in all reason, very much to overbalance in his favour those worst
words, sour tempered, and cunning. Nay, my very enemy and accuser
must have been sensible of this, when he freely acknowledges, that he
has been seriously considering, and cannot yet determine, which he
would choose to be, the Cato or Cretico of that paper; since my Cato
is one of the best of characters. Thus much in my own vindication. As
to the only reasons there given, why I ought not to continue drawing
characters, viz. Why should any man's picture be published which he
never sat for; or his good name taken from him any more than his
money or possessions, at the arbitrary will of another, &c. I have
but this to answer: the money or possessions, I presume, are nothing
to the purpose; since no man can claim a right either to those or a
good name, if he has acted so as to forfeit them. And are not the
public the only judges what share of reputation they think proper
to allow any man? Supposing I was capable, and had an inclination,
to draw all the good and bad characters in America, why should a
good man be offended with me for drawing good characters? And if I
draw ill ones, can they fit any but those that deserve them? And
ought any but such to be concerned that they have their deserts? I
have as great an aversion and abhorrence for defamation and scandal
as any man, and would, with the utmost care, avoid being guilty of
such base things: besides I am very sensible and certain, that if I
should make use of this paper to defame any person, my reputation
would be sooner hurt by it than his; and the Busy-Body would quickly
become detestable; because, in such a case, as is justly observed,
the pleasure arising from a tale of wit and novelty soon dies away
in generous and honest minds, and is followed with a secret grief,
to see their neighbours calumniated. But if I myself was actually
the worst man in the province, and any one should draw my true
character, would it not be ridiculous in me to say, he had defamed
and scandalized me, unless he had added in a matter of truth? If any
thing is meant by asking, why any man's picture should be published
which he never sat for? it must be, that we should give no character
without the owner's consent. If I discern the wolf disguised in
harmless wool, and contriving the destruction of my neighbour's
sheep, must I have his permission, before I am allowed to discover
and prevent him? If I know a man to be a designing knave, must I
ask his consent, to bid my friends beware of him? If so, then, by
the same rule, supposing the Busy-Body had really merited all his
enemy had charged him with, his consent likewise ought to have been
obtained, before so terrible an accusation was published against him.
I shall conclude with observing, that in the last paragraph save one
of the piece now examined, much ill nature and some good sense are
co-inhabitants (as he expresses it). The ill nature appears, in his
endeavouring to discover satire, where I intended no such thing, but
quite the reverse: the good sense is this, that drawing too good a
character of any one is a refined manner of satire, that may be as
injurious to him as the contrary, by bringing on an examination that
undresses the person, and in the haste of doing it, he may happen
to be stript of what he really owns and deserves. As I am Censor, I
might punish the first, but I forgive it. Yet I will not leave the
latter unrewarded; but assure my adversary, that in consideration of
the merit of those four lines, I am resolved to forbear injuring him
on any account in that refined manner.
I thank my neighbour P---- W----l for his kind letter.
The lions complained of shall be muzzled.
_The Busy-Body._--No. VIII.
FROM TUESDAY, MARCH 20, TO THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 1729.
Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,
Auri sacra fames?----VIRGIL.
One of the greatest pleasures an author can have, is, certainly, the
hearing his works applauded. The hiding from the world our names,
while we publish our thoughts, is so absolutely necessary to this
self-gratification, that I hope my well-wishers will congratulate
me on my escape from the many diligent, but fruitless enquiries,
that have of late been made after me. Every man will own, that an
author, as such, ought to be hid by the merit of his productions
only; but pride, party, and prejudice, at this time, run so very
high, that experience shows we form our notions of a piece by the
character of the author. Nay, there are some very humble politicians
in and about this city, who will ask, on which side the writer is,
before they presume to give their opinion of the thing wrote. This
ungenerous way of proceeding I was well aware of before I published
my first speculation; and therefore concealed my name. And I appeal
to the more generous part of the world, if I have, since I appeared
in the character of the Busy-Body, given an instance of my siding
with any party more than another, in the unhappy divisions of my
country; and I have, above all, this satisfaction in myself, that
neither affection, aversion, or interest, have biassed me to use any
partiality towards any man, or set of men; but whatsoever I find
nonsensical, ridiculous, or immorally dishonest, I have, and shall
continue openly to attack, with the freedom of an honest man, and a
lover of my country.
I profess I can hardly contain myself, or preserve the gravity and
dignity that should attend the censorial office, when I hear the odd
and unaccountable expositions, that are put upon some of my works,
through the malicious ignorance of some, and the vain pride of more
than ordinary penetration in others; one instance of which many of
my readers are acquainted with. A certain gentleman has taken a
great deal of pains to write a key to the letter in my Number IV,
wherein he has ingeniously converted a gentle satyr upon tedious
and impertinent visitants, into a libel on some of the government.
This I mention only as a specimen of the taste of the gentleman; I
am, forsooth, bound to please in my speculations, not that I suppose
my impartiality will ever be called in question on that account.
Injustices of this nature I could complain of in many instances; but
I am at present diverted by the reception of a letter, which, though
it regards me only in my private capacity, as an adept, yet I venture
to publish it for the entertainment of my readers.
"_To Censor Morum, Esq. Busy-Body General of the Province of
Pennsylvania, and the Counties of Newcastle, Kent, and Sussex upon
Delaware._
"HONOURABLE SIR,
"I judge by your lucubrations, that you are not only a lover of truth
and equity, but a man of parts and learning, and a master of science;
as such I honour you. Know then, most profound sir, that I have,
from my youth up, been a very indefatigable student in, and admirer
of, that divine science, astrology. I have read over Scot, Albertus
Magnus, and Cornelius Agrippa, above three hundred times; and was
in hopes, by my knowledge and industry, to gain enough to have
recompensed me for my money expended, and time lost in the pursuit
of this learning. You cannot be ignorant, sir, (for your intimate
second-sighted correspondent knows all things) that there are large
sums of money hidden under ground in divers places about this town,
and in many parts of the country: but alas, sir, notwithstanding I
have used all the means laid down in the immortal authors before
mentioned, and when they failed the ingenious Mr. P--d--l, with his
mercurial wand and magnet, I have still failed in my purpose. This,
therefore, I send, to propose and desire an acquaintance with you,
and I do not doubt, notwithstanding my repeated ill fortune, but we
may be exceedingly serviceable to each other in our discoveries; and
that if we use our united endeavours, the time will come, when the
Busy-Body, his second-sighted correspondent, and your very humble
servant, will be three of the richest men in the province: and then,
sir, what may we not do? A word to the wise is sufficient.
"I conclude with all demonstrable respect,
"Yours and Urania's Votary,
"TITAN PLEIADES."