JUST A PANG.
Mrs. Gorse was at home, the servant said, and Harlson found her
awaiting him in a room which was worth a visit, so luxurious were its
appointments and so delicate its colorings and its perfumes. A woman
of admirable taste was Mrs. Gorse, and one who knew how to produce
dramatic effect. But dramatic effects as between her and Grant Harlson
were things of the past. People sometimes know each other so well that
the introduction of anything but reality is absurd. Mrs. Gorse
attempted nothing as Harlson entered. She was not posed. She was
standing, and met him at the door smilingly.
"How do you do, Grant?"
"I'm well," he said, "and how are you? Certainly you are looking well."
"I am not ill. I think I am not plumper nor more thin than usual. I
imagine my weight is normal."
He laughed.
"And how much is that?"
The woman flushed a little.
"It is hardly worth the telling, since you do not remember. There was
a time, you know, when you had some whim about it, and when I had to
report to you. You professed to be solicitous about my health or
personal appearance, or whatever it was that led you to the demand.
And you have forgotten."
He was uneasy. "That is true, Ada. I did have that fad, didn't I?
Well, I forget the figures, but I see that you are still yourself, and
as you should be."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Take the big chair. It's the one you
like best. You see I don't forget certain trifles" (this with a slight
trembling inflection). "And tell me about yourself. I haven't seen
you for three months and over. Haven't you been out of town. Couldn't
you have written me a note."
"I've not been out of town. I might have written you a note, but I
didn't suppose it mattered."
"Yet there is a legend to the effect that men and women sometimes get
to be such friends, and have such relations, that a sudden unexplained
absence of three months matters a great deal."
"That is so. But--what is the use, Ada? It doesn't matter with us,
does it? Are we not each capable of taking care of ourselves? Were we
ever of the conventionally sentimental?"
She sighed. "I suppose not. But it grew that way a little, didn't it,
Grant? Has it all been nothing to you?"
"I won't say that," he answered. "It has been a great deal to me, but
isn't it wiser to make all in the past tense now? What have we to
gain?"
She tried to smile. "Nothing, I suppose." Then breaking out fiercely:
"You are a strange man! You are like the creature Margrave, in
Bulwer's hard 'Strange Story,' with mind and body, but with no soul nor
sympathy."
The man in his turn became almost angry. He spoke more grimly:
"You are not just! Have I broken any pledge or violated any promise,
even an implied one? Have we not known each other on even terms? It
was but a pact for mutual enjoyment until either should be weary. We
have no illusions. You a Lilith of the red earth, not of Adam; you a
woman sweet and passionate and kind, but soulless, too, and fickle; and
I a trained man, made as soulless by experience, we met and agreed,
without words, to break a lance in a flirtation. And that both lances
were splintered doesn't matter now. We had joy in the encounter,
didn't we, and more after each surrendered captive? But it has been
only mimic warfare. It has not been the real thing."
"Evidently not--to you! Unfortunately one forgets sometimes, and then
one is endangered."
He was troubled. He rose and came to her side, and put his hand upon
her head, the usually proudly carried head of a handsome woman, now
bowed in the effort to hide a face which told too much. "It is all
unfortunate. It is unfortunate that we met, if you care as you
profess. I had counted us as equal; that you were, with me, caring for
the day and never for the morrow, so far as we two were concerned."
She raised her face. "Do you love me?" she said.
He hesitated. "I am fond of you."
"Do you love me?"
"In the sense that I suppose you mean, no."
She did not look at him for a moment; then she rose swiftly to her feet
and looked squarely in his face.
"Is there some one else?"
He did not answer.
"Is there some one else?"
"Yes."
"Then it _is_ unfortunate, as you say--and for her."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I will not endure to be dropped by you as a child drops a
toy of which it is weary. I mean that I will not surrender you to some
new creature who has intervened! What does it matter that there has
been no pledge between us? You have made me love you! You know it!
The very being to each other what you and I have been is a pledge for
the future. Oh, Grant!"
The woman's eyes were full of tears, and her voice was a moan. The man
was suffering both shame and agony. He knew that, careless as he had
been, the relations had grown to imply a permanency. The woman was at
least justified in her claims that words are not always necessary to a
contract. What could he do? Then came the thought of Jean. One hair
of her brown head was more to him than this woman, or any other woman
he had ever known. He was decided.
"I am a brute, Ada," he said, "or, at least, I have to be brutal. We
do care for each other in a certain way, and we have found together
many of the good things in living, but we are not lovers in the greater
sense. We never could be. It means much. It means a knitting
together of lives, a oneness, a confluence of soul and heart and
passions, and a disposition to sacrifice, if need be. We have not been
that way, and are not. We have been more like two chess-players. We
have had a mutual pleasure in the game, but we have been none the less
antagonists. The playing is over, that is all. It doesn't matter who
has won the game. We will call it drawn, or you may have it. But it
is ended!"
She stood with one hand upon her breast. There came a shadow of pain
to her face, and a hard look followed.
"It is nonsense talking about the game. The playing ended a year ago,
and you were the winner. Now you are careless about the prize! Well"
(bitterly), "it may not be worth much--to you."
"It is worth a great deal. It has been worth a great deal to me. But
I must relinquish it."
"Why did you make me care for you?" she demanded, fiercely, again.
"I did not do more than you did. As I said before, we played the game
together. It is but the usual way of a flirting man and woman. We
should have each been more on guard."
The woman was silent for a little time, and it was evident that she was
making an effort at self-control. She succeeded. She had half-turned
her back to Harlson, and when she again faced him, she had assumed her
dignity.
"You are right, after all," she said. "I did not consider your own
character well enough. You tire of things. You will tire of the woman
you love now. And you will come back to me, just because I have been
less sentimental, and, so, less monotonous than some others. Whether
or not I shall receive you time will determine. Is that the way you
want me to look at it?"
He bowed. "That is perhaps as good a way as any. It doesn't matter.
Will you shake hands, Ada?"
She reached out her hand listlessly, and he took it. A minute later
and he was on the street. And so the last link of one sort with the
past was broken. It was long--though he had no concealments from
her--before he told Jean of this interview. And then he did not tell
the woman's name, nor did she care to know.