"What!" quoth Sancho, "three thousand lashes! Odd's-flesh! I will as
soon give myself three stabs as three single lashes, much less three
thousand! The devil take this way of disenchanting! I cannot see what my
buttocks have to do with enchantments. Before Heaven! if Signor Merlin
can find out no other way to disenchant the lady Dulcinea del Toboso,
enchanted she may go to her grave for me!"
"Not lash thyself! thou garlic-eating wretch!" quoth Don Quixote; "I
shall take thee to a tree, and tie thee naked as thou wert born, and
there, not three thousand and three hundred, but six thousand six
hundred lashes will I give thee, and those so well laid on that three
thousand three hundred hard tugs shall not tug them off. So answer me
not a word, scoundrel! for I will tear thy very soul out!"
"It must not be so," said Merlin; "the lashes that honest Sancho is to
receive must not be applied by force, but with his good-will, and at
whatever time he pleases, for no term is fixed; and furthermore, he is
allowed, if he please, to save himself half the trouble of applying so
many lashes, by having half the number laid on by another hand, provided
that hand be somewhat heavier than his own."
"Neither another hand nor my own," quoth Sancho, "no hand, either heavy
or light, shall touch my flesh. Was the lady Dulcinea brought forth by
me that my posteriors must pay for the transgressions of her eyes? My
master, indeed, who is part of her, since at every step he is calling
her his life, his soul, his support and stay,--he it is who ought to
lash himself for her and do all that is needful for her delivery; but
for me to whip myself,--no, I pronounce it!"
No sooner had Sancho thus declared himself than the spangled nymph who
sat by the side of Merlin arose, and throwing aside her veil, discovered
a face of extraordinary beauty; and with a masculine air and no very
amiable voice, addressed herself to Sancho: "O wretched squire, with no
more soul than a pitcher! thou heart of cork and bowels of flint! hadst
thou been required, nose-slitting thief! to throw thyself from some
high tower; hadst thou been desired, enemy of human kind! to eat a dozen
of toads, two dozen of lizards, and three dozen of snakes; hadst thou
been requested to kill thy wife and children with some bloody and sharp
scimitar,--no wonder if thou hadst betrayed some squeamishness; but to
hesitate about three thousand three hundred lashes, which there is not a
wretched school-boy but receives every month, it amazes, stupefies, and
affrights the tender bowels of all who hear it, and even of all who
shall hereafter be told it. Cast, thou marble-hearted wretch!--cast, I
say, those huge goggle eyes upon these lovely balls of mine, that shine
like glittering stars, and thou wilt see them weep, drop by drop, and
stream after stream, making furrows, tracks, and paths down these
beautiful cheeks! Relent, malicious and evil-minded monster! Be moved by
my blooming youth, which, though yet in its teens, is pining and
withering beneath the vile bark of a peasant wench; and if at this
moment I appear otherwise, it is by the special favor of Signor Merlin,
here present, hoping that these charms may soften that iron heart, for
the tears of afflicted beauty turn rocks into cotton and tigers into
lambs. Lash, untamed beast! lash away on that brawny flesh of thine, and
rouse from that base sloth which only inclines thee to eat and eat
again, and restore to me the delicacy of my skin, the sweetness of my
temper, and all the charms of beauty. And if for my sake thou wilt not
be mollified into reasonable compliance, let the anguish of that
miserable knight stir thee to compassion,--thy master, I mean, whose
soul I see sticking crosswise in his throat, not ten inches from his
lips, waiting only thy cruel or kind answer either to fly out of his
mouth or to return joyfully into his bosom."
Don Quixote, here putting his finger to his throat, "Before Heaven!"
said he, "Dulcinea is right, for I here feel my soul sticking in my
throat like the stopper of a crossbow!"
"What say you to that, Sancho?" quoth the duchess.
"I say, madam," answered Sancho, "what I have already said, that as to
the lashes, I pronounce them."
"_Renounce_, you should say, Sancho," quoth the duke, "and not
pronounce."
"Please your grandeur to let me alone," replied Sancho, "for I cannot
stand now to a letter more or less. These lashes so torment me that I
know not what I say or do. But I would fain know one thing from the Lady
Dulcinea del Toboso, and that is, where she learnt her manner of asking
a favor? She comes to desire me to tear my flesh with stripes, and at
the same time lays upon me such a bead-roll of ill names that the devil
may bear them for me. What! does she think my flesh is made of brass? or
that I care a rush whether she is enchanted or not? Where are the
presents she has brought to soften me? Instead of a basket of fine linen
shirts, night-caps, and socks (though I wear none), here is nothing but
abuse. Every one knows that 'the golden load is a burden light;' that
'gifts will make their way through stone walls;' 'pray devoutly and
hammer on stoutly;' and 'one take is worth two I'll give thee's.'
There's his worship my master, too, instead of wheedling and coaxing me
to make myself wool and carded cotton, threatens to tie me naked to a
tree and double the dose of stripes. These tender-hearted gentlefolks
ought to remember, too, that they not only desire to have a squire
whipped, but a governor, making no more of it than saying, 'Drink with
your cherries.' Let them learn,--plague take them!--let them learn how
to ask and entreat, and mind their breeding. All times are not alike,
nor are men always in a humor for all things. At this moment my heart is
ready to burst with grief to see this rent in my jacket, and people come
to desire that I would also tear my flesh, and that, too, of my own good
will. I have just as much mind to the thing as to turn Turk."
"In truth, friend Sancho," said the duke, "if you do not relent and
become softer than a ripe fig, you finger no government. It were good
indeed, that I should send my islanders a cruel flinty-hearted governor;
one who relents not at the tears of afflicted damsels, nor at the
entreaties of wise, awful, and ancient enchanters, and sages. In fine,
Sancho, either you must whip yourself, or let others whip you, or be no
governor."
"My lord," answered Sancho, "may I not be allowed two days to consider
what is best for me to do?"
"No, in no wise," quoth Merlin; "here, at this instant and upon this
spot, the business must be settled: or Dulcinea must return to
Montesinos' cave, and to her former condition of a country wench; or
else in her present form be carried to the Elysian fields, where she
must wait till the number of lashes be fulfilled."
"Come, honest Sancho," quoth the duchess, "be of good cheer, and show
gratitude for the bread you have eaten of your master Don Quixote, whom
we are all bound to serve for his good qualities and his high
chivalries. Say, yes, son, to this whipping bout, and the devil take the
devil, and let the wretched fear; for a good heart breaks bad fortune,
as you well know."
"Hark you, Signor Merlin," quoth Sancho, addressing himself to the sage;
"pray will you tell me one thing--how comes it about that the
devil-courier just now brought a message to my master from Signor
Montesinos, saying that he would be here anon, to give directions about
this disenchantment; and yet we have seen nothing of them all this
while?"
"Pshaw!" replied Merlin, "the devil is an ass and a lying rascal; he was
sent from me and not from Montesinos, who is still in his cave
contriving, or rather awaiting, the end of his enchantment, for the tail
is yet unflayed. If he owes you money, or you have any other business
with him, he shall be forthcoming in a trice, when and where you think
fit; and therefore come to a decision, and consent to this small
penance, from which both your soul and body will receive marvellous
benefit; your soul by an act of charity, and your body by a wholesome
and timely bloodletting."
"How the world swarms with doctors," quoth Sancho, "the very enchanters
seem to be of a trade! Well, since everybody tells me so, though the
thing is out of all reason, I promise to give myself the three thousand
three hundred lashes, upon condition that I may lay them on whenever I
please, without being tied to days or times; and I will endeavor to get
out of debt as soon as I possibly can, that the beauty of my lady
Dulcinea del Toboso may shine forth to all the world; as it seems she is
really beautiful, which I much doubted. Another condition is, that I
will not be bound to draw blood, and if some lashes happen only to
fly-flap, they shall all go into the account. Moreover if I should
mistake in the reckoning, Signor Merlin here, who knows everything,
shall give me notice how many I want or have exceeded."
"As for exceedings, there is no need of keeping account of them,"
answered Merlin; "for when the number is completed, that instant will
the lady Dulcinea del Toboso be disenchanted, and come full of gratitude
in search of good Sancho, to thank and even reward him for the generous
deed. So that no scruples are necessary about surplus and deficiency;
and Heaven forbid that I should allow anybody to be cheated of a single
hair of their head."
"Go to, then, in God's name," quoth Sancho; "I must submit to my ill
fortune: I say I consent to the penance upon the conditions I have
mentioned."
No sooner had Sancho pronounced his consent than the innumerable
instruments poured forth their music, the volleys of musketry were
discharged, while Don Quixote clung about Sancho's neck, giving him, on
his forehead and brawny cheeks, a thousand kisses; the duke and duchess,
and all who were present, likewise testified their satisfaction. The car
now moved on, and in departing the fair Dulcinea bowed her head to the
duke and duchess, and made a low curtesy to Sancho.
By this time the cheerful and joyous dawn began to appear, the flowerets
of the fields expanded their fragrant beauties to the light; and brooks
and streams, in gentle murmurs, ran to pay expecting rivers in their
crystal tribute. The earth rejoiced, the sky was clear, and the air
serene and calm; all, combined and separately, giving manifest tokens
that the day, which followed fast upon Aurora's heels, would be bright
and fair. The duke and duchess, having happily executed their ingenious
project, returned highly gratified to their castle, and determined on
the continuation of fictions which afforded more pleasures than
realities.