Rush walked up and down the room for a few moments in silence. Mrs.
Balfame sat back and folded her hands. She was haunted by a vague sense
of inefficiency, of having not quite risen to the occasion, but she felt
there could be no doubt that she not only had impressed the reporters as
an innocent woman but as a perfect lady. The rest didn't matter.
"Are you really not a bit nervous?" demanded Rush, swinging on his heel
and confronting her.
"I will not permit myself to be. And except that I hate publicity, I
really do not dread the trial. It means the beginning of the end of this
detestable prison life. I want to be out and free. A week in a courtroom
is not too heavy a price to pay."
"Have you ever been to a murder trial?"
"Of course not. Such a thing would never have occurred to me."
Rush sighed. She had no imagination. But as her counsel he reminded
himself that he should be grateful for the lack; he wanted no scenes,
either in the courtroom or here in the imminent hours. But he would have
welcomed a little more feminine shrinking, appeal to his superior
strength. Even when he had worshipped her from afar, she had never moved
him so powerfully as on the day of her arrest when she had flung herself
over the table in an abandonment to despair as complete as the most
exacting male could wish. That incident had long since taken on the
shifting outlines of a dream. If she had felt any tremors since then
she had concealed them from him.
"Tell me," he asked almost wistfully, "are you not terribly frightened
at times? You are alone here so much. And it has been an experience to
try even a strong man's nerves."
"Women nowadays really have better nerves than men. We not only lead a
far fuller and more varied life than our predecessors, but you men work
at such a terrific strain that it is a wonder you retain any control of
your nerves at all. I will admit that I did have attacks of fear at
first. It was all so strange and odd. But I got over them. You can get
used to anything, I guess. And I have a strong will. I just made myself
think about something else. This war has been a godsend. Have you
noticed my new maps? I've really read about twenty war books, besides
all the editorials, and they have given me a distaste for lighter
reading, and really developed my--my--intellect. That seems such a big
word. And then I've knitted dozens of things for the children and
soldiers, and felt as if I were of some use for the first time in my
life."
She glanced at him shyly, as he stared through the bars of one of the
windows. The suppressions of a lifetime made it impossible to betray any
depth of feeling save under terrible stress. She was ashamed of her
breakdown before him on the day of her arrest, but she was conscious of
the wish that she were able to infuse her cool even tones with warmth,
to make them tremulous at the right moment; but if she attempted to
betray something of her newer self even in her eyes, self-consciousness
overcame her and she dropped the lids almost in a panic.
She wondered if love broke down those cliffs of ice that seemed to
encompass a new-born soul. Or was it merely that the other members of
her personal company, mature, jealous, self-sufficient, resented the
intrusion of this shrinking alien? They had got on quite well without
it; they felt no yearning for possible complications, readjustments.
With all their quiet force they discouraged the stranger. Before any of
the supreme experiences, including love, they might be routed, the new
force might spring up in an instant like a flower from the magic soils
of India--but not while the conventions bulwarked them. Their sum was
Mrs. Balfame of Elsinore, and not for a moment did they permit
themselves to forget it.
Moreover, it was quite true that she had conquered her first
apprehensions and welcomed the trial as the initial step toward freedom.
Her poise had always been remarkable, the result in part of a
self-centred life and a will driven relentlessly in a narrow groove.
More than ever was she determined to sit through those long days in the
courtroom with the cold aloofness of the unfortunate women of history.
The very ascents she had made of secret and solitary heights alone would
have restored her poise, for she felt on far more friendly terms with
herself than when living with a wretch she loathed, and dreaming of no
higher altitudes then complete success in Elsinore. But she wished for
the first time that she were a younger woman, or had made those ascents
many years ago; she would have liked to reveal herself spontaneously to
this interesting young man who was so deeply in love with her.
Suddenly she wondered if he were as ardently in love with her as in
that brief period when they had talked of themselves. Not loving him in
return, she had been content with lip-service, the sure knowledge that
all his fine abilities were at work upon the obstacles to her freedom;
and she would have been deeply annoyed if he had broken the pact made on
the day of her arrest and reiterated his devotion and his hopes.
But significant happenings--omissions--a certain flatness.... She turned
her head sharply and looked at him. He was still staring moodily through
the bars.
If far too diffident to show the best that was in her, she found it
comparatively simple to practice the feminine art of angling, albeit
with a somewhat heavy hand.
She asked softly: "Don't you think I did the wise thing to tell them I
intended to travel as soon as I was acquitted? It surely would be in
better taste than to settle down here--in that house!"
"Did you mean it? The intention would make a good impression on the
public, certainly."
"Why, of course I meant it. I am not a good hand at saying things merely
for effect."
"Where shall you go? Europe is rather impossible."
"Oh, not altogether. There is always Italy. And there is no danger from
Zeppelins in the interior of Great Britain. And there is Spain--"
"I think Europe a very good place for women to keep away from until the
war is over. Any of the nations may become involved at any
minute--ourselves, for that matter. Better follow the advice of
advertisers and see America first."
"Yes, I could visit the Expositions in California, and camp for a while
in Glacier Park, and there are the Yellowstone and Grand Canyon--but all
that would only consume a few months--and then there is this winter to
think of. What I feel I should do is to stay away for a year, at
least--"
"You could live very pleasantly in Southern California."
"I should be very conspicuous in those small fashionable settlements.
The case has been telegraphed all over the country, and I have seen
dreadful pictures of myself in several Western papers."
"Well, you might live quietly in New York until the war is over. There
is no better place to hide--if you avoid the restaurants and theatres.
And after all, even a _cause celebre_ is quickly forgotten if there is
no aftermath. But I certainly advise against even sailing for Europe
until peace is declared. There is always the danger of mines and too
enthusiastic submarines."
She turned quite cold and stared at her hands. They were well-shaped but
large, and they looked like blocks of white marble on her black gown. He
was still at the window, and his tone was listless. She had a curious
sense of panic in the region of her heart. But instantly she curled her
lip with defiant scorn. Was she the woman to fancy herself in love with
a man the moment she seemed to be in danger of losing him? Besides, no
doubt, the poor man was tired, and too absorbed in the case to have any
room in him for the moods of the lover. Only a foolish impulsive woman
would in conditions like the present try to rouse a dormant passion.
When she was free, and he as well, his heart would automatically take
precedence once more and he would plead ardently for the privilege of
marrying her. That was quite in order.
She rose briskly. "Let me show you this map," she said. "It is the very
latest--Letitia Battle brought it to me two days ago. And do smoke."
"Thanks, but I must go over and watch those girls. Yes, it is a fine
map. This war certainly is a godsend! Good luck. Keep up those splendid
spirits. You're all right."