December 23. Deacon Webbe has been here to-day. He was so bowed and bent
and broken I could hardly talk to him without sobbing; and I had to tell
him I was to have been his daughter, and that if he would let me, I
would be so still. He was greatly touched, and he will keep our secret.
December 24. More than the death of Father, more, even, than that of
Mother who had been my care and comfort so long, the death of Tom seems
to leave me alone in a wide, empty universe. I cannot conceive of a
future without him; I cannot believe the bonds which bound us are
broken. I have his child, and I cannot take baby in my arms without
feeling I am coming closer to Tom. All my friends have been very dear. I
do not think any one of them, except perhaps Miss Charlotte, suspects
how much the loss of Tom means to me, but they at least realize that we
were life-long comrades, and that I must feel the death of the father of
baby very keenly. However much or little they suspect, no one has
betrayed any intimation that Tom and I were more than close friends.
Even Aunt Naomi has said nothing to make me shrink. People are so kind
in this world, no matter what pessimists may say.
December 31. I have been very busy with all the Christmas work for my
poor people, the things Tom wanted done for the reading-room, and the
numberless trifles which need to be attended to. To-night I think I am
writing in my diary for the last time. The year has been full of
wonderful things, some of them terrible to bear, and yet, now I look
back, I see it has brought me more than it has taken away. Tom is mine
always, everywhere, as long as we two have any existence in all the wide
spaces between the stars we used to choose to fly to; and his baby is
left to comfort me and to hearten me for the work I have all around me
to do. I cannot keep the tears back always, and heartache is not to be
cured by any sort of reasoning that I know; yet as long as I have his
love, the memory of Father and Mother, and dear baby, I have no right to
complain. Just to be in one's place and working, to go on
growing,--dying when the time comes,--what a priceless, blessed thing
life is!
Transcriber's Note.
Phrases in italics are indicated by _italics_.
Phrases in bold are indicated by =bold=.
Words in the text which were in small-caps were
converted to normal case.
Double-word "a" removed on page 228:
"Yours truly and with a a sad and loving"
Typos corrected:
page 35:
"fastastic" --> "fantastic"
(fantastic bunches of snow in the willows)
page 119:
"be" --> "he"
(clergyman with whom he)