April 10. Yesterday the new nurse, Miss Dyer, arrived, and great is the
comfort of having her here. She is a plain, simple body, in her neat
uniform, rather colorless except for her snapping black eyes. Her eyes
are interestingly at variance with the calmness of her demeanor, and
give one the impression that there is a volcano somewhere within. She
interests me much,--largely, I fancy, from the suggestion about her of
having had a history. She is swift and yet silent in her motions, and
understands what she has to do so well that I felt like an awkward
novice beside her. She disposed of Mrs. Bagley with a turn of the hand,
as it were, somehow managing that the frowzy old woman was out of the
house within an hour, with her belongings, pipe and all, yet without any
fuss or any contention. Mrs. Bagley had the appearance of being too
dazed to be angry, although I fancy when she has had time to think
matters over she will be indignantly wrathful at having been so
summarily expelled.
"I pity you more for having that sort of a woman in the house than for
having to take care of the patient, Miss Privet," Miss Dyer said. "I
don't see what the Lord permits such folks in the world for, without it
is to sharpen up our Christian charity."
"She would sharpen mine into vinegar, I'm afraid," I answered, laughing.
"I confess it has been about all I could do to stay in the house with
her."
To-night I can sleep peacefully in my own bed, secure that Julia is well
taken care of. The girl seems to me to be worse instead of better, and
Dr. Wentworth does not give much encouragement. I suppose it is better
for her to die, but it is cruel that she wants so to live. She is
horribly afraid of death, and she wants so much to live that it is
pitiful to reflect it is possible she may not. What is there she can
hope for? She does not seem to care for the child. This is because she
is so ill, I think, for anybody must be touched by the helplessness of
the little blinking, pink thing. It is like a little mouse I saw in my
childhood, and which made a great impression on me. That was naked of
hair, just so wrinkled, so pink, so blinking. It was not in the least
pretty, any more than the baby is; but somehow it touched all the
tenderness there was in me, and I cried for days because Hannah gave it
to the cat. I feel much in the same way about this baby. I have not the
least feeling toward it as a human being, I am afraid. To me it is just
embodied babyhood, just a little pink, helpless, palpitating bunch of
pitifulness.
April 11. Miss Dyer came just in time. I could not have gone through
to-night without her, I think. I could not have stayed quiet by Julia's
beside, although I am as far as possible from being able to sleep.
To-night, just as the evening was falling, and I was almost ready to
come home, I heard a knock at the door. Miss Dyer was in the room with
Julia, so I answered the knock myself. I opened the door to find myself
face to face with Tom Webbe.
The shock of seeing his white face staring at me out of the dusk was so
great that I had to steady myself against the door-post. He did not put
out his hand, but greeted me only by taking off his hat.
"Father said you were here," he began, in a strained voice.
"Yes," I answered, feeling my throat contract; "I am here now, but I am
going home soon."
I was so moved and so confused that I could not think. I had longed for
him to come; I could not have borne that he should have been so base as
not to come; and yet now that he was here I would have given anything to
have him away. He had to come; he had to bear his part of the
consequences of wrong, but it was horrible to me for him to be so near
that dreadful girl, and it was worse because I pitied her, because she
was so helpless, so pathetic, so near even to death.
We stood in the dusk for what seemed to me a long time without further
speech. Tom must have found it hard to know what to say at such a time.
He looked at me with a sort of wild desperation. Then he cleared his
throat, and moistened his lips.
"I have come," he said. "What do you want me to do?"