difficult to relate. It is probable that if these lines are read by eyes
other than my own, they will be disbelieved, yet I will set them down as
I remember them. This is no easy matter, for I feel as though I were
recalling the incidents which happened in a far-off dream rather than
something which actually took place. And yet not altogether. What I am
going to tell is very real to me, even although the reality is utterly
different from what I ever experienced before. Even as I remember, I
find myself thinking out of ordinary grooves, and my thoughts are of
such a nature that I find no language sufficient to express them.
I was dead. I knew that my spirit, my essential self, had left my body,
and that I was no longer a habitant of the world in which I had lived.
My first sensation, for I can find no better word to express my thought,
was that of freedom, and with that sense of freedom came a consciousness
of utter loneliness. I felt as the Ancient Mariner in Coleridge's
immortal poem must have felt:
"Alone, alone, all alone,
Alone on a wild, wide sea,
So lonely it was that God Himself,
Scarce seemèd there to be."
I felt no pain, no weariness, and I was free; but I was alone.
I do not know that I felt fear; no terror possessed me; I did not think
of my past life with dread, neither did past scenes haunt me. My thought
of the past was rather the thought of emptiness, of purposelessness, of
vacancy; it seemed to me as though my life had been a great opportunity
of which I had failed to avail myself.
I had a feeling, too, that it was very cold. I seemed to be floating in
infinite space, through sunless air.
Kipling, I remember, in one of the most vivid poems he ever wrote,
described a man who, when he died, was carried far away:
"Till he heard as the roar of a rain-fed ford, the roar of the
Milky Way.
Till he heard the roar of the Milky Way die down, and drone and
cease....
Then Tomlinson looked up and down, and little gain was there For the
naked stars gleamed overhead, and he saw that his soul was bare. But the
wind that blows between the worlds had cut him like a knife...."
But the poet's imagination never saw in his vision an experience like
mine. No winds blew between the worlds; there was no roar as of a
rain-fed ford; all was silence. Not the silence of narrow spaces, not
even the silence of night, when the ears of listeners are filled with
noise made by silence; it was the silence of illimitable spaces, the
silence of eternity.
I thought my spirit was mounting; at least that was the impression left
upon me; I was going upward, not downward. But here words fail me again,
because, as it seemed to me, there was no upward and no downward. More
than that, there seemed to be a lack of standards whereby one could
measure anything. There was no more time, and as a consequence there was
no past, no present, no future. Everything, as I thought, was formless,
meaningless.
I know I have failed to give a true idea of what I saw and felt. As a
boy, I was for a short time fascinated by the study of astronomy, and I
remember being made afraid by the thought of the distances between the
worlds. Now all that was changed; I was floating, it appeared to me,
between unnumbered worlds, but in a way they were near to me, so near
that I could see what was happening on them.
How long I was alone I do not know, for, as I have said, time had no
meaning. In a sense I felt as though I wandered through the silences for
æons, although scenes flashed before me with the speed of light. My
experiences make me think of the words of the old Hebrew poet:
"A thousand years in Thy sight are but as yesterday,
when it is passed, and as a watch in the night."
I have said that the worlds I saw were near me, so near that I could see
their inhabitants and watch their movements and activities. But even in
this I convey a wrong impression, for while I had this sense of
nearness, I had also the consciousness that they were separated by vast
distances. It was just as though I had a glimpse of the Universe. There
were millions of worlds around me, and all were inhabited; everywhere
was life, life that expressed itself in thought and action. On every
hand were sentient thinking beings who played their part and did their
work in the world from which they drew their life.
A sense of unutterable awe possessed me. I was between the worlds. I
could watch what was being done on those worlds, and I felt myself to be
the merest speck in infinity.
As I have stated, the thought which possessed me was that I was utterly
alone, and that while I suffered no pain, and while I had a
consciousness of freedom which made me exultant, my loneliness was
beyond all thought....
I felt a presence; at least that is the only word I can think of to
express my thought. I had no consciousness of a person being near me,
and yet that Something was all around me, an Intelligence, a Will, a
Power. What it was I could not tell, but that Something answered the
questions which came to me....
The one predominating thought or consciousness which flooded and
overwhelmed everything was the consciousness of God. While I had been in
the body, something hid from me the reality of God; now everything was
God. I lived in God; everything was submerged in this one great Fact of
Facts, and I wondered at my blindness when I was alive. And yet I was
overwhelmed by what, for want of a better word, I call the immensity of
everything. I remember asking myself how God could care for such a life
as mine; how He could take an interest in the myriads of beings who
inhabited the worlds; how He, Who controlled planets and suns, could
care for the little lives of men. For I seemed so infinitely little; I
was but a speck in infinite space, less to the Universe than the tiniest
insect which crawled upon the face of the globe on which I had lived.
But even as the thought came to me came also the answer: because God was
infinite in thought, in love, in power, so His Being enveloped all; that
because He governed the infinitely Great, so He cared for the tiniest
speck of life He had created....
I saw the world from which I had come; I was able to locate my own
country. Europe stretched out before me like a plain, and there I saw
the nations at war. At first the war appeared only like the struggle of
ants upon their little hills, and it seemed of no more importance as to
which army should conquer the other than if they had been so many
insects at war.
"How little we must be to God!" I thought. "On earth we regarded the
European War as something beyond all thought, all comprehension, yet
seen from here it is less than a struggle of gnats. What does it matter
to God whether England or Germany wins in what we call the Great World
Struggle?" But even as the thought flashed through my spirit came the
answer that God did care; that because we were the breath of His life we
had a destiny to fulfil, a work to do; that the energies of God were on
the side of those who sought to express His will.
It was all infinitely beyond me; I could not understand, and yet I had
the consciousness that God watched the struggle of the creatures He had
made, and that He was on the side of those who, perhaps unknown to
themselves, were moving towards His own purposes. As I watched, the
world seemed to become nearer to me, and such was my power of vision
that I was able to visualize all the struggle and all the deadly warfare
from Russia to France. I heard the boom of guns, I saw the flash of
bayonets, I could plainly see the men in their trenches and could hear
them talking with each other. I saw shells flying from the mouths of the
guns, I watched their passage through the air. I beheld them as they
fell, and I saw the stain on the battle-fields. I realized everything as
I had never realized it before. I saw men in their death agony, I heard
their groans, their shrieks of pain. I saw thousands of torn, mangled
bodies, bodies which a moment before were full of life and vigor.
Then, as it seemed to me, I beheld the agony of the world. I saw
blighted homes, broken lives, bleeding, broken hearts.
"O God!" I cried out, "let me not see! I cannot bear it!"
For death was horrible to me, and life a mockery. How could God care
when He allowed these young lives, so full of hope and promise, to
perish in a moment?
Then out of all the mad carnage and above the din and horror of war came
a voice that filled my being and rang through the worlds:
"Fear not them who can kill the body, but are not able to kill the
soul."
I saw that the great tragedy of the world was not the tragedy caused by
war, but the tragedy of men killing their souls even while their bodies
lived; that the death of those on the battle-fields was as nothing
compared to the death of those who seemed to live and yet who were dead,
because they had sacrificed truth and honor and love, and that death was
impossible while honor and truth and love lived.
Then I looked again, and behold, the heavens were full of the spirits of
those who had offered their all on the altar of duty, and that for them
there was no death. I saw that instruments of war had no power to touch
the real life of these men; that each had a Divine Spark of life, and
that that life was still under the overshadowing wing of the Eternal
love....
Ages appeared to pass; how long I knew not, cared not, for time had no
meaning. I saw that the Eternal Love and the Eternal Life, which was
everywhere, was bringing out of all that at first seemed a meaningless
chaos an infinite order; that even the War of the World in which men
lost their lives by thousands and hundreds of thousands, in which unholy
passions seemed to prevail, and in which Death stalked triumphant: I say
I saw evolving out of all this, confused and contradictory as it all
appeared, a higher life and a higher thought--a movement towards the
Eternal Will and towards the Eternal Purpose which was behind
everything.
I know I have badly expressed all this, because I find no words
wherewith to make clear that which came to me; for in truth thought was
lost in consciousness, and language fails to express that consciousness.
I only know that I saw order coming out of chaos, light out of darkness,
love out of hatred, divinity out of bestiality, life out of death.
For life and love were all.
I did not see God--that is, I was not able to visualize His Presence. I
did not talk with God as a man talketh with his friend, and yet my whole
being seemed to be filled with His Light and Love and Peace. I felt that
I was breathing God, because God was all; that nothing was outside His
Care, that nothing was too small for His Love. I wondered at my doubts
and at my absence of faith, for God was everywhere, in everything; in
all purposes, plans, desires. I was conscious that He was shaping and
directing and controlling all the thoughts of men, and that everything
was moving towards His Eternal Purposes.
In the light of what I saw, pain and wrong and misery were being
overruled by the Eternal Love, so that even they were speeding men
towards the greater, fuller life, and that in the march of untold ages
Life and Love were everything.
A sense of triumph, of exultation filled me, bore me up as if on the
wings of eagles. I saw everything from a new perspective. I realized as
I never realized before the meaning of the words of the Apostle:
"Our light affliction, which is but for a _moment_, worketh for us a far
more exceeding and Eternal weight of glory."
I saw that all things--all wrong, all pain, all darkness, everything
which made life dark and terrible--were only for a _moment_, and that
they were overruled by the Eternal God, so that those who suffered them
merged through the ages into Eternal Love and Eternal Light.
How long I was in this state I do not know, for, as I have said, time
had no meaning to me. All life's standards seemed to melt away. I only
knew that I was, that I felt, that I was filled with an overwhelming
joy, because I knew that darkness would end in Eternal Light, that pain
would end in Infinite Peace.
Then slowly everything began to fade away; the worlds by which I was
surrounded ceased to be. I lost the power, of visualizing; my thoughts
became dim and indistinct. Presently all became darkness save for one
speck of light. Sometimes that speck of light became very small;
sometimes it grew larger, but it was always there, and I was conscious
of an unspeakable peace.
XXVIII
THE NEW LIFE
The first thing I can remember after coming to consciousness was the
feeling that strangers were around me. I could not see them, but I knew
they were there. I remember trying to open my eyes, but I could see
nothing; I heard whispered voices, however.
"Is he dead?"
"I am not quite sure. No, he's not dead, his pulse still beats!"
"Will he live, do you think?"
"Difficult to say. He came out of it all right, but his vitality is very
low."
"Was the operation severe?"
"Yes, very severe; it is a miracle that he has lived as long as he has.
I must go by the Riviera express to-morrow morning, but I will call
about eight o'clock."
"Have you any further orders to give?"
"No, you can only do what I have told you. His life hangs on a thread;
he may live, but I doubt it."
I listened in a detached kind of way, scarcely realizing what I heard; I
was perfectly indifferent, too. It had nothing to do with me, and even
if it had, I did not care. Then darkness came upon me again and I no
longer saw the bright speck shining.
After that I had quickly fleeting moments of consciousness; things
around me became real for a moment and then passed away. Doubtless I was
in a semi-comatose condition; sometimes I imagined I heard fragments of
conversation, but I can remember nothing definite.
After that followed a time of intense weariness. I felt as though I were
too weak even to lie down; I could not move my limbs, and the weight of
my own body on the bed seemed to weary me, but I was not sufficiently
conscious to realize the full extent of my weariness. I have a vague
remembrance of being fed; I call to mind a woman standing by my bedside
holding something to my mouth; but as I reflect now these things seem
only phantoms of the mind.
After a time I became conscious of intense pain, and I have a
recollection of being able to move my limbs, and I remember hearing a
voice saying:
"He is stronger anyhow, but I never saw a man so utterly exhausted."
A long space of time, how long I do not know, but it seemed to me
interminable. Day appeared to follow day and week to follow week, and
yet I have no distinct remembrance. In recalling it all, I am like a man
trying to remember a far-off dream.
Suddenly I became awake. I was fully conscious that I was living; I
could outline the room in which I lay, I could see the sunlight
streaming in at the window, I could hear the birds singing. I was very
weak, but I was alive; I was able to think, too, able to connect thought
with thought, although my memory was dim. Incidents of my life passed
before me like shadows; I saw them only in part, but I did see them.
The room was strange to me. This was not my little bedroom by the sea;
the apartment was bigger than the whole of my cottage. The ceiling was
high, and the window through which the sun shone was large. I did not
care so much where I was; all the same, I was curious.
"What has happened to me, I wonder?" I asked myself, "and why am I
here?"
I could see no one in the room, and all was silent save for the singing
of the birds and the humming of the insects. I had a vague consciousness
that the feeling of summer was in the air, and a delicious kind of
restfulness possessed me. I was no longer too tired to lie down, rather
I felt the luxury of being in bed. I suffered no pain either, although
at my side, where I remembered suffering exquisite agony, was a kind of
tingling sensation which I associated with a wound in the act of
healing.
I saw a woman come to the head of my bed; she wore a nurse's uniform,
and had a placid, kindly face.
"Who are you, and where am I?"
I know I spoke the words, but I did not recognize my voice at all; it
seemed far away, like a whispering among breezes.
The woman said something, I know, but what, I could not tell. I imagine
the effect was soothing, for immediately afterwards I found myself going
to sleep.
Again I was conscious, more vividly conscious than before. The outlines
of the room were the same, and I was able to recognize some of the
furniture which I had previously seen. I remembered, too, lifting my
hand from the counterpane and noting how thin and white it was.
The door of the room opened and a man entered. I saw at a glance that it
was Simpson, and I looked at him through my half-closed eyes. He came to
my bedside and looked steadily at me, then he placed his hand gently on
my forehead; his touch was as soft as that of a woman.
"Simpson," I said, and this time I was able to recognize my voice. "Is
that you, Simpson?"
"Yes, sir; thank you, sir."
His old-time formula acted on me like a tonic; it made me want to laugh.
Yes, I really was alive then, and Simpson was with me; but what was the
meaning of this strange room?
"Simpson," I said, "am I really alive?"
"Yes, sir; thank God, sir."
I thought I saw the tears gather in his eyes, and I am sure I saw his
lips tremble.
"Have I been ill, Simpson?"
"Yes, sir, very ill, but I believe we have beaten them, sir."
"Beaten who?" I asked.
But this time he did not answer. The woman came in again bearing
something in her hand. There was a whispered consultation between them,
and then I remember drinking something, after which I went to sleep
again.
When I again awoke I felt sure it was morning. I had no reason for
believing this, but I had no doubt about it; the air was morning air,
the sounds were morning sounds. The birds were chirping in the trees,
the cattle were lowing in the meadows, the poultry were cackling in a
yard near by, a thousand whispering voices everywhere told me that I had
awakened to the dawn of a new day. I moved in my bed; yes, I had
strength enough for that, and the movement caused me no pain. In an
instant I heard footsteps, and Simpson again came to my side.
"Can I do anything for you, sir? How are you to-day?"
"I feel like a man reborn, Simpson," I said. And it was true. A life was
surging in my veins which I never remembered before; I felt as though my
whole being had been made clean and all my powers renewed. I was
unutterably weak, but I felt all a child's health and joy.
"Tell me what this means, Simpson," I said; "this is not my room, not my
bed."
"No, sir, but I am your man, sir," and his voice was husky.
"Yes, I am glad you are with me, Simpson. It is good to wake up and find
you here."
"I hope I shall never have to leave you, sir," and I saw him wipe away
his tears.
"Tell me about it, Simpson--tell me where I am and what has happened to
me."
"I am forbidden to talk, sir; the doctor won't allow me. You see----"
"What doctor?" I interrupted.
"Dr. Rhomboid, sir."
"Dr. Rhomboid? Dr. Rhomboid?" The name was familiar to me.
"Where am I, Simpson?"
"You are at Trecarrel, sir; Miss Lethbridge insisted on----"
"Miss Lethbridge! Miss Lethbridge!" Then like a flash the veil dropped
from my memory. I called to mind the struggle on the beach, the
hand-to-hand fight, the plot which I had determined to expose.
"Miss Lethbridge insisted on my being brought here, did she, Simpson?"
"Yes, sir; you see, sir, that man Liddicoat struck you with something
heavy. I--I--but there, I mustn't tell you."
"Yes, you must, Simpson; I insist upon knowing everything. I remember
all that happened now: I was leaning against the rock waiting, when the
dog barked, and the man Liddicoat sprang upon me. I struggled with him
for a long time, and then suddenly everything became dark."
"Yes, sir, after they had finished----"
"Finished what?" I asked.
"I can't tell you now, sir; but Miss Lethbridge insisted on your being
brought here. And really, sir, the road is easier here than it is to our
house, and I gave in."
"But how did Miss Lethbridge get there?"
"I don't know, sir. I expect she will be telling you herself as soon as
you are strong enough. Then I insisted upon sending for Dr. Rhomboid,
and, sir, as Providence would have it, he was staying at the Tolgarrick
Manor Hotel. The Squire had heard of it, sir; that was why, as soon as
you were brought here...."
I felt that my mind was weakening, and that I had no longer any strength
to grasp the things which Simpson was saying. I lost interest in them,
too, and I remember falling asleep with the thought in my mind that I
was in the house where Isabella Lethbridge had insisted upon bringing
me.
I awoke again, and I knew that I was stronger; everything was outlined
more clearly to me. Not only the objects by which I was surrounded, but
my thoughts seemed more definite. It was now night; the room in which I
lay was only illumined by a candle, but I saw everything plainly.
Sitting by my side was the nurse whom I remembered previously; she
started up on hearing me move and looked at me anxiously.
"You need not fear, nurse," I said. "I am better; the cobwebs have
gone."
The nurse smiled, then she placed her hand upon my wrist.
"Yes," she said, "you are better, stronger. Can you bear to have this in
your mouth a minute?"
"I can bear anything, nurse."
Evidently she was pleased with me, for a minute later she smiled
confidently.
"Your pulse is normal and you have no fever," she said.
"Why am I here, nurse? What has happened to me? Tell me everything."
"No, no; go to sleep now, and in the morning you may be strong enough to
bear it."
"I should sleep far better if I knew everything," I replied; "don't be
foolish, nurse."
"What do you want to know?"
"Dr. Rhomboid has been here, I am told," I said. "What did he say about
me? When I saw him in London he wrote my death-warrant."
"Now he has given you a reprieve," was her reply, "and more than a
reprieve. In fact, he said that if you got through the operation you
would live!"
I was not surprised; I felt that life, and not death, was surging within
me.
"Don't try to keep things back from me, nurse," I said. "I remember
everything that took place. I remember the struggle on the beach and the
darkness which followed. Simpson tells me that I have been brought to
Mr. Lethbridge's house, and that, as if by special Providence, Dr.
Rhomboid was staying at the Tolgarrick Hotel. What was his verdict?"
"He sent for a London surgeon," said the nurse, "and he told us that if
you recovered from the operation you would live. You have recovered."
"Then he made a wrong diagnosis in London. That means I had something
growing in me, and now it's cut out I shall live?"
The nurse nodded and smiled.
"That's all I must tell you now," she said; "take this and go to sleep."
I obeyed her like a child; a feeling of utter contentment possessed me,
and I felt myself dropping into a deep, untroubled sleep.
When I awoke again I had a feeling that it was morning. I knew that the
dewdrops were shining on the grass, that the day was new-born; I knew,
too, that the sun was rising in a cloudless sky, that the time was
summer.
I was in the same room, but somehow it was different. A new atmosphere
pervaded it; I saw vases of flowers, flowers that were wet with the
morning dew, flowers that had been gathered that morning. Their perfume
was as sweet as the spices of Araby. A feeling of delicious restfulness
possessed me; I was as weak as a child; but there was new life in my
being, a life that would overcome everything. I closed my eyes with the
consciousness that all was well; nothing troubled me, no thought of care
weighed upon my brain or heart. I caught myself remembering those lines
of Browning:
"The lark's on the wing,
The morning's at seven,
The hillside's dew-pearled,
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in His heaven,
All's right with the world!"
I heard a sob close by my side.
I did not know how it was, but the sob seemed to be in accord with my
thoughts, for it contained no sorrow.
I opened my eyes and saw Isabella Lethbridge leaning over my bed. I
didn't speak, I couldn't; my life was filled with wonder, a wonder which
I cannot put into words.
She was dressed, I remember, all in white; this I thought strange,
because I imagined she would show some kind of mourning for her dead
brother; but I gave it only a passing thought, for it was of no
importance; the thing that impressed me was the new light in her eyes,
the new joy in her face.
The barrier which had always stood between us had melted away; she was
transformed, glorified. There was no need to tell me that a wondrous
change had come over her; that some joy to which she had hitherto been
blind possessed her; that a new power was pulsating in her life:
Isabella Lethbridge was transformed, beautified beyond all thought.
We looked at each other without speaking a word; there was no need for
words; words at that moment would have seemed like sacrilege.
A thousand questions flashed through my mind, but I did not ask them;
there was only one question which I longed to ask, a question which
embraced everything.