_My dear Daughter_,--You have just entered into that state which is
replete with happiness or misery. The issue depends upon that prudent,
amiable, uniform conduct, which wisdom and virtue so strongly
recommend, on the one hand, or on that imprudence which a want of
reflection or passion may prompt, on the other.
You are allied to a man of honor, of talents, and of an open, generous
disposition. You have, therefore, in your power, all the essential
ingredients of domestic happiness; it cannot be marred, if you now
reflect upon that system of conduct which you ought invariably to
pursue--if you now see clearly, the path from which you will resolve
never to deviate. Our conduct is often the result of whim or caprice,
often such as will give us many a pang, unless we see beforehand, what
is always the most praiseworthy, and the most essential to happiness.
The first maxim which you should impress deeply upon your mind, is,
never to attempt to control your husband by opposition, by displeasure,
or any other mark of anger. A man of sense, of prudence, of warm
feelings, cannot, and will not, bear an opposition of any kind, which
is attended with an angry look or expression. The current of his
affections is suddenly stopped; his attachment is weakened; he begins
to feel a mortification the most pungent; he is belittled even in his
own eyes; and be assured, the wife who once excites those sentiments in
the breast of a husband, will never regain the high ground which she
might and ought to have retained. When he marries her, if he be a good
man, he expects from her smiles, not frowns; he expects to find in her
one who is not to control him--not to take from him the freedom of
acting as his own judgment shall direct, but one who will place such
confidence in him, as to believe that his prudence is his best guide.
Little things, what in reality are mere trifles in themselves, often
produce bickerings, and even quarrels. Never permit them to be a
subject of dispute; yield them with pleasure, with a smile of
affection. Be assured that one difference outweighs them all a
thousand, or ten thousand times. A difference with your husband ought
to be considered as the greatest calamity--as one that is to be most
studiously guarded against; it is a demon which must never be permitted
to enter a habitation where all should be peace, unimpaired confidence,
and heartfelt affection. Besides, what can a woman gain by her
opposition or her differences? Nothing. But she loses every thing; she
loses her husband's respect for her virtues, she loses his love, and
with that, all prospect of future happiness. She creates her own
misery, and then utters idle and silly complaints, but utters them in
vain. The love of a husband can be retained only by the high opinion
which he entertains of his wife's goodness of heart, of her amiable
disposition, of the sweetness of her temper, of her prudence, and of
her devotion to him. Let nothing upon any occasion, ever lessen that
opinion. On the contrary, it should augment every day: he should have
much more reason to admire her for those excellent qualities, which
will cast a lustre over a virtuous woman, when her personal attractions
are no more.
Has your husband staid out longer than you expected? When he returns,
receive him as the partner of your heart. Has he disappointed you in
something you expected, whether of ornament, or furniture, or of any
conveniency? Never evince discontent; receive his apology with
cheerfulness. Does he, when you are housekeeper, invite company without
informing you of it, or bring home with him a friend? Whatever may be
your repast, however scanty it may be, however impossible it may be to
add to it, receive them with a pleasing countenance, adorn your table
with cheerfulness, give to your husband and to your company a hearty
welcome; it will more than compensate for every other deficiency; it
will evince love for your husband, good sense in yourself, and that
politeness of manners, which acts as the most powerful charm! It will
give to the plainest fare a zest superior to all that luxury can boast.
Never be discontented on any occasion of this nature.
In the next place, as your husband's success in his profession will
depend upon his popularity, and as the manners of a wife have no little
influence in extending or lessening the respect and esteem of others
for her husband, you should take care to be affable and polite to the
poorest as well as to the richest. A reserved haughtiness is a sure
indication of a weak mind and an unfeeling heart.
With respect to your servants, teach them to respect and love you,
while you expect from them a reasonable discharge of their respective
duties. Never tease yourself, or them, by scolding; it has no other
effect than to render them discontented and impertinent. Admonish them
with a calm firmness.
Cultivate your mind by the perusal of those books which instruct while
they amuse. Do not devote much of your time to novels; there are a few
which may be useful in improving and in giving a higher tone to our
moral sensibility; but they tend to vitiate the taste, and to produce a
disrelish for substantial intellectual food. Most plays are of the same
cast; they are not friendly to the delicacy which is one of the
ornaments of the female character. HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY, POETRY, MORAL
ESSAYS, BIOGRAPHY, TRAVELS, SERMONS, and other well written religious
productions, will not fail to enlarge your understanding, to render you
a more agreeable companion, and to exalt your virtue. A woman devoid of
rational ideas of religion, has no security for her virtue; it is
sacrificed to her passions, whose voice, not that of GOD, is her only
governing principle. Besides, in those hours of calamity to which
families must be exposed, where will she find support, if it be not in
her just reflections upon that all ruling Providence which governs the
Universe, whether animate or inanimate.
Mutual politeness between the most intimate friends, is essential to
that harmony, which should never be once broken or interrupted. How
important then is it between man and wife!--The more warm the
attachment, the less will either party bear to be slighted, or treated
with the smallest degree of rudeness or inattention. This politeness,
then, if it be not in itself a virtue, is at least the means of giving
to real goodness a new lustre; it is the means of preventing
discontent, and even quarrels; it is the oil of intercourse, it removes
asperities, and gives to every thing a smooth, an even, and a pleasing
movement.
I will only add, that matrimonial happiness does not depend upon
wealth; no, it is not to be found in wealth; but in minds properly
tempered and united to our respective situations. Competency is
necessary; all beyond that point, is ideal. Do not suppose, however,
that I would not advise your husband to augment his property by all
honest and commendable means. I would wish to see him actively engaged
in such a pursuit, because engagement, a sedulous employment, in
obtaining some laudable end, is essential to happiness. In the
attainment of a fortune, by honorable means, and particularly by
professional exertion, a man derives particular satisfaction, in self
applause, as well as from the increasing estimation in which he is held
by those around him.
In the management of your domestic concerns, let prudence and wise
economy prevail. Let neatness, order and judgment be seen in all your
different departments. Unite liberality with a just frugality; always
reserve something for the hand of charity; and never let your door be
closed to the voice of suffering humanity. Your servants, in
particular, will have the strongest claim upon your charity;--let them
be well fed, well clothed, nursed in sickness, and never let them be
unjustly treated.