About the period of what "_I am gaun to tell_," the ancient aristocracy
of Virginia had passed through its death struggle; the times when the
rich were every thing and the poor nothing, had passed away; and the
high pretensions of the sons of the Cavaliers had yielded to the more
levelling opinions of the Roundheads. The badges of distinction, such
as coats of arms and liveries, had become too odious to be generally
kept up; occasionally however the latter were seen, but so rarely, that
they looked like the spectres of departed greatness, and excited a
feeling of contempt or pity for the weakness of the master, rather than
respect for his wealth and rank. There was one class of people
nevertheless, who retained all their attachment to these distinctive
marks; and indeed they do so to this day: I mean the class of servants
who belonged to the old families. They were the veriest aristocrats
upon earth, and hated with the most unrelenting hatred all the ignoble
blood of the land, and deeply deplored the transition of property from
the nobles to the serfs. Though their own "_ancient but ignoble blood_"
had literally almost "_crept through scoundrels ever since the flood_,"
they detested the poor and adored the rich. I shall never forget the
Fall of the year ----. I had just graduated at one of our northern
colleges, and received my two diplomas, with their red ribbons and
seals attached. They were deposited by my good friend Andrew McMackin,
the most expert diploma rigger in all the village, in a plain
cylindrical case of pasteboard, for safe keeping, and would have
remained there probably to this day unmolested, had not the rats made
an inroad upon them, and in a single night demolished sigillum and
signature--all that it had cost me years of hard labor to obtain--aye,
and twenty dollars to boot. Not satisfied, I suppose, with the
attestation of the president and venerable board of trustees, they were
desirous of adding their own ratification of my pretensions to science.
Be that as it may; full of delightful anticipation at the prospect of
returning to my native state, after an absence of four years, I took my
seat in the mail stage, and travelled three hundred miles without once
going to bed. Such a journey at this day of steamboat and railroad car
would be nothing, but at that time it was a great undertaking, and
attended with much fatigue. The vehicles were crazy and often broke
down, and the passengers had the pleasure of paying dearly for the
privilege of walking many a mile through the mud. At length I arrived
at the little town of F----, the end of my journey on the great mail
route, where I expected to meet with some kind of conveyance to take me
into the country to my uncle's. As I leaped from the carriage to the
pavement, where many loiterers were gathered to witness the arrival of
the stage, I found myself suddenly locked in the arms of some one, who
exclaimed, "_There he is, the very moral of his grandpapa!_ God bless
your honor, how do ye do? I'm so glad to see you." Extricating myself
with some degree of embarrassment, because of the crowd around me, I
perceived that the salutation proceeded from one of our old servants,
who stood gazing upon me with the moat benevolent smile. His appearance
was quite outré to one who had lived so long at the north. His old and
faded livery, was blue turned up with yellow; he held in his hand a
horseman's cap, without the bearskin; his boots had once been
white-topped, but could no longer claim that distinctive epithet; like
Sir Hudibras, he wore but one spur, though probably for a different
reason; his high forehead glistened in the sun, and his slightly grey
hair was combed neatly back, and queud behind with an eelskin so tight
that he could hardly wink his eyes, exhibiting a face remarkably
intelligent and strongly marked, with a nose uncommonly high and
hawkbilled for a negro. Perceiving my embarrassment, he drew back with
a very courtly bow, and begged pardon, declaring he was so glad to see
me, he had forgotten himself and made too free. I made haste to assure
him that he had not--gave him a hearty shake by the hand--called him
Uncle Simon, a name he had been always accustomed to from me, and
drawing him aside, overwhelmed him with questions about every body and
every thing at home. Tell me, said I, how is my uncle? "I thank you
sir, quite hearty, and much after the old sort--full of his projjecks,
heh! heh! perpechil motion, and what not." What, said I, is he at that
still? "Oh yes--oh yes--and carridges to go without hawses; God love
you, Mass Ned, I don't think they ken go without animel nater." And how
does my aunt like all this? "Ah!" said he, putting up his hands with an
air of disgust, "She can't abide it--things go on badly. You 'member my
four greys? So beautiful!--my four in hand!--all gone, all sold. Why,
sir, I could whistle them hawses to the charrut jest as easy as snap my
finger. Our fine London charut too! _that's gone_--and my poor Missis
your aunt, has nothin to ride in, but a nasty, pitiful push phaton." I
am sorry to hear it, Simon. "Why, Mass Ned, what mek you all let them
Demmy Cats sarve you so? What you call 'em? Publicanes? Yes, _I'd_ cane
'um as old master used to do." But Simon, how is cousin Mary? "Miss
Mary? Oh, Miss Mary is a beauty; gay as a young filly, and she walks
upon her pasterns ----." Well, well, said I, interrupting him, Simon
let us be off; what have you brought for me to ride? "Old Reglus, sir,
your old favorite." Having taken some refreshment, and transferred my
clothes to the portmanteau, I mounted Regulus, who still shewed his
keeping. He was a bright bay, and his hair was as glossy as silk under
Simon's management; his eye still glanced its fire, and his wide
nostrils gave token of his wind. He knew me, I shall ever believe it,
for my voice made him prick his ears, as if listening to the music of
former days. It seemed to inspire him with new life; he flew like an
arrow, and Simon found it impossible to keep up with me, mounted as he
was on a high trotting, rawboned devil, that made the old man bound
like a trapball, whenever he missed his up-and-down-position movement.
His figure, thus bobbing in front of a monstrous portmanteau and
bearskin, was so ludicrous, I could not forbear laughing; and reining
up my steed, I told him I would ride slower for the sake of
conversation with him. "Do, my good sir," cried he, "for this vile
garran will knock the breath out of my body. If I had but my old hawse
Grey Dick alive agin--that hawse, Mass Ned, was the greatest hawse upon
the face of the yearth; I rod him ninety miles the hottest day that
ever come from heaven, and when I got through our outer gate, he seized
the bit between his teeth, and run away with me, and never stopped till
he got clean into the stable. Whenever I fed him, I was 'bliged to shet
the stable door and go away, for if he heard me move or a stirrup
jingle, he would'nt eat another mouthful, but stood with his head up
and his eyes flying about, impatient for me to mount." I knew this was
the moment to put in a leading question to bring out a story I had
heard a thousand times. That was not the horse that ran away with you
when a boy? "No--no--that was Whalebone; _your_ grandpapa used always
to go to court in his coach and six; I can see him now, in his great
big wig, hanging down upon his shoulders, and powdered as white as a
sheet. I was then a little shaver, and always went behind the carridge
to open the gates. Waitinman George rod the old gentleman's ridin horse
Bearskin, and led Mass Bobby's hawse Whalebone; Mass Bobby rod in the
carridge with old master. Well, one day what should George do but put
me up upon Whalebone, as big a devil as ever was; soonever I got upon
him, off he went by the coach as hard as he could stave; old master
hallooed and bawled--he'll kill him--he'll kill him--George how dare
you put Simon upon Whalebone? Pshey! the more he hallooed the more
Whalebone run. I pulled and pulled till I got out of sight, and turned
down the quarter stretch, and then _I did give him the timber_--Flying
Childers was nothin to him. When old master got home, there I was with
Whalebone as cool as a _curcumber_. I made sure I should get a caning,
but all he said was, D--n the fellow! I 'blieve he could ride old
Whalebone's tail off--heh! heh! heh!"
I am sorry I cannot do more justice to the eloquence of Simon, who
excelled in all the arts of oratory. His eyes spoke as much as his
tongue; his gestures were vehement, but quite appropriate; he uttered
some words in as startling a voice as Henry Clay, and his forefinger
did as much execution as John Randolph's. As to his political opinions,
he was the most confirmed aristocrat, and thought it the birthright of
his master's family, to ride over the poor, booted and spurred. It was
his delight to tell of his meeting one day, as he swept along the road
with his smoking four in hand, a poor man on horseback, whom he
contemptuously styled a _Johnny_. He ordered the man to give the road;
but as he did not obey him as readily as he desired, he resolved to
punish him. By a dexterous wheel of his leaders, he brought the chariot
wheel in contact with the fellow's knee, and shaved every button off as
nicely as he could have shaved his beard with a razor. But enough of
Simon. I beguiled the way by drawing him out upon his favorite topics,
until we got within sight of my uncle's house, a fine old mansion, with
an avenue of cedars a mile in length. They had been kept for several
generations neatly trimmed, and he who had dared to mar their beauty
with an axe, would have been considered a felon, and met his fate
without benefit of clergy. I have lived to see them all cut down by the
ruthless hand of an overseer, who sees no beauty in any thing but a
cornstalk. However, this is wandering from my present theme. Then they
were in all their evergreen loveliness, and I hailed them as my ancient
friends, as I galloped by them, with a joyous feeling at approaching
the scene of my childhood. The folding doors soon flew wide open, and
the whole family rushed out to meet me with true-hearted old fashioned
Virginia promptitude. I must not attempt to describe a meeting which is
always better imagined than described. Let it suffice, that after the
most affectionate greeting, which extended to every servant about the
premises, I was ushered to my bed room at a late hour, with as much of
state as could be mustered about the now decaying establishment, and
soon sunk into a profound slumber, well earned by the toils and
fatigues of my journey. Early the next morning, before I left my room,
my excellent and revered uncle paid me a visit, and ordered in the
never failing julep,--_such a one as would have done honor to Chotank_.
At the same time he suggested to me that he would greatly prefer my
taking a mixture of his own, which he extolled as much as Don Quixotte
did his balsam to Sancho, or Dr. Sangrado his warm water to Gil Blas.
It was a pleasant beverage, he said, compounded of an acid and an
alkali. He had discovered by close observation, that all diseases had
their origin in acid, and that alkali of course was the grand panacea;
even poisons were acids, and he had no doubt that he should be able to
form a concrete mass, by means of beef gall and alkali, which would
resemble and equal in virtue the mad stone. If I felt the slightest
acidity of stomach, I would find myself much relieved by one of his
powders. He had written to Dr. Rush on the subject, and he shewed me a
letter from that gentleman, at which he laughed heartily, and in which
the Doctor protested he might as well attempt to batter the rock of
Gibraltar with mustard seed shot as to attack the yellow fever with
alkali. I could not help smiling at the earnestness of my dear uncle,
and assured him that I had no doubt of the virtues of his medicine, but
as I was quite well, I would rather try the anti-fogmatic; and if I
should feel indisposed, would resort to his panacea; although I
secretly resolved to have as little to do with it as Gil Blas had with
water. Having dressed myself and descended to the breakfast room, I
there met my aunt and cousin, who soon made me acquainted with the
present condition of the family. Every thing was fast declining, in
consequence of the total absorption of the mind of my uncle in his
visionary schemes; and I saw abundant evidence of the wreck of his
fortune, in the absence of a thousand comforts and elegancies which I
had been accustomed to behold. He soon joined us, and such was his
excellence of character, that we most carefully avoided casting the
smallest damp upon his ardor. Indeed, he was a man of great natural
talent and much acquired information, and was far above the ridicule
which was sometimes played off upon him by his more ignorant neighbors.
I almost begin to think that _we_ were the mistaken ones, when I look
around and see the perfection of many of his schemes, which I then
thought wholly impracticable. When old Simon thought that a carriage
could never go without _animel nater_, he certainty never dreamed of a
railroad car, nor of the steam carriages of England; and when my uncle
gravely told me that he should fill up his icehouse, and manufacture
ice as he wanted it in Summer, by letting out air highly condensed in a
tight copper vessel, upon water, I did not dream of the execution of
the plan by some French projector. I must not be thus diffuse, or I
shall weary the patience of my reader. A ride was proposed after
breakfast, and my uncle immediately invited me to try his newly
invented vehicle which could not be overset. I have constructed, said
he, a carriage with a moveable perch; by means of which the body swings
out horizontally, whenever the wheels on one side pass over any high
obstacle or ground more elevated than the other wheels rest upon; and I
shall be glad to exhibit it to a young man who is fresh from college,
and must be acquainted with the principles of mechanics. I readily
accepted his proposal, although I trembled for my neck; but declared I
had no mechanical turn whatever, and could not construct a wheelbarrow.
He was sorry to hear this, as he was in hopes I would be the depositary
of all his schemes, and bring them to perfection in case of his death,
for the benefit of his family. We soon set off on our ride; and Simon
was the driver. As I anticipated, in descending a hill where the ground
presented great inequality, the whole party were capsized, and nothing
saved our bones but the lowness of the vehicle. Never shall I forget
the chagrin of my uncle, nor the impatient contemptuous look of Simon,
as he righted the carriage; he did not dare to expostulate with his
master, but could not forbear saying that he had never met with such an
accident when he drove his four greys. "Ah, there is the cause," said
my uncle, much gratified at having an excuse for his failure; "Simon is
evidently intoxicated; old man, never presume to drive me again when
you are not perfectly sober; you will ruin the most incomparable
contrivance upon earth." Simon contented himself with a sly wink at me,
and we made the best of our way home; my uncle promising me another
trial in a short time, and I determining to avoid it, if human
ingenuity could contrive the means. The next day, as I was amusing
myself with a book, my uncle came in from his workshop, with a face
beaming with pleasure; and entering the room, proceeded in the most
careful manner to close all the doors; and producing a small crooked
stick, said to me with a mysterious air, "My boy, this stick, small and
inconsiderable as it seems to be, has made your fortune. It is worth a
million of dollars, for it has suggested to me an improvement in my
machine for producing perpetual motion, which puts the thing beyond all
doubt." Is it possible, cried I, that so small a stick can be worth so
much? "Yes, depend upon it--and I carefully closed the doors, because I
would not be overheard for the world. Some fellow might slip before me
to the patent office, and rob me of my treasure." I observed that
nobody was there who could possibly do so. "Yes, somebody might be
casually passing, and I cannot be too vigilant. I take it for granted,"
he resumed, "that you are apprised of the grand desideratum in this
business. You do not imagine, with the ignorant, that I expect to make
matter last longer than God intended; the object is to get a machine to
keep time so accurately, that it may be used at sea to ascertain the
longitude with precision. Do you know that a gentleman has already
constructed a time piece, for which the Board of Longitude paid him
fifty thousand pounds; but owing to the metallic expansion, it would
not be entirely accurate." I answered that I had not so much as heard
of the Board of Longitude--and he proceeded to explain his improvement,
of which I did not comprehend a syllable. All that I felt sure of,
although I did not tell him so, was that he would not succeed in
realizing the million of dollars; and, accordingly, when admitted as a
great favor into his sanctum sanctorum, the work shop, to witness his
machine put in motion, it stood most perversely still after one
revolution, and "_some slight alteration_" remained to be made to the
end of the chapter,--until hope became extinct in every breast save
that of the projector. I could fill a volume with anecdotes of this
sort, but will add only one, as descriptive of the very great height to
which visionary notions may be carried. My uncle was a federalist, and
of course hated Buonaparte from the bottom of his soul. He told me as a
most profound secret, that he had discovered the means of making an old
man young again, by removing from him the atmospheric pressure, and
that nothing deterred him from patenting his discovery, but the fear
that Buonaparte would attach his machinery to a body of soldiers and
fly across the British Channel, and thus light down in the midst of
England, and make an easy conquest of the only barrier left upon earth
to secure the liberties of mankind. Eheu! jam satis! thought I. In this
way did my poor uncle spend his time, to the utter ruin of a fine
estate, which was surrendered to the management of that most pestilent
of the human race, an overseer,--who would not at last be at the
trouble of furnishing the old gentleman with wood enough to keep him
warm in his spacious edifice. The means he resorted to, to reprove the
overseer, were not less characteristic and laughable than many of his
singular notions. One very cold day he sent for him; the man attended,
and was ushered with much solemnity into an apartment where a single
chump was burning feebly in the chimney place, and a table was standing
in the centre of the room, covered with papers, pen and ink. My uncle
received him with unusual courtesy, and ordered the servant to set a
chair for Mr. Corncob by the _fire_,--with a peculiar emphasis on the
word. "I have sent for you, Mr. Corncob," said he, "to get you to
witness my will. You see, sir," pointing at the same time to the
fire--"you see, sir, how small a probability there is that I shall
survive the present winter. I am anxious to settle my affairs previous
to my being attacked by the pleurisy, and have therefore sent for you
to aid me in doing so." This was a severe reproof, and the man having
done as he was bid, retired with an air the most sheepish imaginable. I
fill up the picture by stating that I married my cousin, and inherited
the estate in due course of time; but a mortgage swallowed it up as
effectually as an earthquake--and poor old Simon died of a broken heart
when Regulus was knocked off at the sale of his master's property at
twenty dollars, to the man whom he hated of all others, Christopher
Corncob, Esquire.