"_Tempora Mutantur._"
The present is emphatically the age of useful invention and scientific
discovery; and it is the peculiar good fortune of the present
generation, that the indefatigable labors of a few gigantic minds have
opened to it new and expanded sources of enjoyment, by the development
of principles which have long eluded the grasp of philosophy, and by
their practical application to the most ordinary affairs of life. Men
are not now bewildered by the imposing mysteries in which scientific
truth has been so long enveloped; nor are they deterred from a bold
investigation into the solidity of theories and hypotheses, by the
studied ambiguity of phrase in which the votaries of learning have
veiled them. They have learned properly to appreciate the fallacy of
those abstruse speculations and metaphysical researches, into which so
many thousands, in pursuit of some vain chimera, have been inextricably
involved--and have erected the standard of _utility_ as that alone by
which all the lucubrations of moonstruck enthusiasts, and all the
experiments of visionary projectors are to be rigidly scanned and
tested. The practical benefits which have resulted from the rapid march
of mind, are to be seen in the application of steam to the propulsion
of boats, and in the innumerable rail roads, canals, and other
stupendous improvements, which have developed the resources of this
extensive country, and multiplied the blessings so bounteously bestowed
upon it by providence. But in the first glow of astonishment and
exultation which these have excited in the minds of men, numerous
beneficial changes of minor importance have followed the march of
intellect, which from their comparative insignificance, have almost
escaped observation.
Formerly, the professors of the complex sciences of law, medicine, and
divinity, were regarded as exalted by their attainments, to an
immeasurable height of superiority over the mass of mankind, because
they shrouded the truths and principles of science from the vulgar eye,
by a veil of unintelligible jargon and grandiloquent technicalities,
entirely above the ordinary powers of comprehension. Years of laborious
and incessant toil were requisite to master the hidden complexities of
those venerated and "time-honored" professions; and he, who with
martyr-like resolution and unwearied perseverance, devoted his time and
talents to their attainment, was regarded by the "_vulgus ignobile_"
with sentiments of respect and admiration, nearly approaching to the
idolatrous reverence of a Hindoo, for the fabled virtues of his bloody
Juggernaut. But the illusion has at last been dispelled by the
refulgent light of truth, and those illustrious individuals, the
Luthers of the age, who have stripped these hoary errors of the veil
which concealed their enormity, may with merited exultation and triumph
exclaim, "_Nous avons changé toute cela!_" The art of economising time
has been simplified, and subjected to the grasp of the most obtuse
intellect; so that a science which formerly required years of intense
and unremitted study, united with long experience and observation, is
now thoroughly understood and mastered in a fortnight! So rapid indeed
has been the march of intellect, sweeping from its path obstacles
heretofore deemed insurmountable, and scaling the most impregnable
fortifications of philosophy, with a force no less astonishing than
irresistible, that many of our most profound adepts in the "glorious
science" of the law, are (_mirabile dictu!_) at once initiated into all
its mysteries by a single perusal of "Blackstone's Commentaries" and
the "Revised Code!" instead of toiling his way up the steep ascent of
fame by consuming the midnight oil, by exploring the dark and
forbidding chambers of the temple of law, dragging forth truth from the
musty volumes of antiquity, and searching the origin of long
established principles. Among the feudal customs of our Saxon
progenitors, a man may now become "like Mansfield wise, and Old Forster
just," by one month's attendance at the bar of a county court! At the
expiration of that period, he can rivet an admiring audience in fixed
attention, by the strains of Demosthenian eloquence, in which he asks
if "the court will hear a motion on a delivery bond?" And will astound
some illiterate ignoramus, by the consequential pomposity with which he
prates of "contingent remainders," "executory devises," and all the
labyrinthian subtleties of nisi prius! No one will then contest his
right to perambulate the streets, with all the ostentatious dignity of
a man "learned in the law," and to parade before the eyes of the
admiring rabble, his colored bag of most formidable
dimensions,--albeit, it may be filled with cheese and crackers to stay
his stomach in the intervals of business.
But the inappreciable benefits which the "March of Intellect" has
showered upon mankind, are easily discovered by referring to the
stupendous revolutions it has achieved, not only in the science of law
but in divinity, medicine, education, manners, and morals. Men do not
now venerate the ancient fathers of the church for the profound
erudition and wonderful acquirements displayed in those ponderous tomes
which now and then greet the eyes of the bibliopole, exciting the same
degree of astonishment as the appearance of a comet illumining the
immensity of space with its brilliant scintillations, or some _lusus
naturæ_ like the Siamese twins. Far from it. Modern philosophers have
discovered the inutility and absurdity of wading through the voluminous
discussions of controversial theologists, and tracing the origin of
some religious dogma or doctrinal schism, which has for ages furnished
these pugnacious wiseacres with food for inquiry and research. Instead
of wasting the time necessarily consumed in these ridiculous studies,
men who formerly might have dragged out their lives in the vulgar
vocation of a tailor, a butcher, or a hatter, spring forth in a single
week armed cap-a-pie to defend their religion from the unhallowed
assaults of infidels, and amply qualified to expound the sacred texts,
and deal out damnation with the indiscriminate prodigality of a
spendthrift, for the first time cursed with the means of gratifying his
extravagant propensities.
Formerly too, the most attentive and patient observation of the
progressive development of the mental faculties of a child were
necessary to enable a parent to adapt his education to the sphere of
life in which nature had destined him to move. Innumerable obstacles
were to be encountered in tutoring his mind to the comprehension of the
profession for which he was intended; and, perhaps, after years of
incessant toil and intense parental anxiety, the young stripling
blasted all the hopes of his kindred, by either becoming the hero of a
racefield or the magnus apollo of a grog shop, or distinguished his
manhood by the puerile follies of youth, or the incurable stupidity of
an idiot. But the "March of Mind" has obviated or removed all these
difficulties, by the discovery of the renowned science of phrenology. A
parent, in this blessed age of intellectual illuminism, may by an
examination of certain craniological protuberances, ascertain with
mathematical exactness, whether his child is a hero or a coward, a
philosopher or a--fool; and may regulate his education in conformity to
the result. The safety and well being of society, too, is thus
encompassed with additional safeguards, which will effectually protect
it from those evils which have heretofore been only partially
suppressed by legislation. If any ill favored monster of the human
species happens to have the organ of destructiveness largely
"developed," (_ut verbum est_) and not counteracted by any antagonist
organ,--all the murders, rapes and thefts which he is morally certain
to perpetrate,--with their attendant train of want, calamity and ruin,
may be at once prevented by hanging the scoundrel in terrorem, as a
kind of scarecrow to all evil doers. A desideratum in political economy
will thus be also attained. The accounts of those "caterpillars of the
commonwealth," clerks, sheriffs, lawyers, _et id omne genus_, who swarm
around the treasury in verification of the old maxim of Plautus, "_ubi
mel, ibi apes_,"--(Anglice--Where there is money, _there_ are lawyers,)
are balanced without the payment of a cent; for it is obvious that
there is no necessity for all the tedious formalities of a trial at
law, the guilt of the murderer being already ascertained and summarily
punished by this _preventive_ justice, and the commonwealth of course
exempted from the expense of a prosecution.
It would require a volume to enumerate all the advantages which have
resulted from the discovery of this science. But even these are about
to be quadrupled by the successful experiments recently made in the
immortal and euphoniously titled science of phrenodontology, by which a
man's _grinders_ are regarded as the unerring indices of his habits,
manners and propensities; and should these last be of an evil nature,
they can be entirely eradicated by the extraction of such of the
_incissores_ as indicate their existence. There is no necessity
whatever of inculcating self denial, regular habits, fortitude and
virtue, to correct the depravity and vice of any individual. Only knock
out his teeth, (or as that method is somewhat too summary,) have them
extracted _secundum artem_ by a dentist, and you instantly metamorphose
him into a paragon of moral purity!
But one of the principal benefits of the "March of Mind," is the
salutary reformation effected in the opinions of mankind, in relation
to numerous important subjects. All those low and grovelling ideas
which once tenanted the crania of our honest yeomanry as to the
education of their children, have now evaporated into thin air. Instead
of tying their sons to a vulgar plough, bronzing their visages to the
complexion of an Indian, as was formerly the absurd practice, they are
now transplanted into the genial hothouse of a town life, where they
are soon installed in all the fashionable paraphernalia of tights,
dickey, and safety chain; and astonish their honest old dads by the
dexterity with which they flourish a yardstick, and by the surprising
volubility with which they can chatter nonsense, _a la mode du bon
ton_. I have often been enraptured with the incontrovertible evidence
of the "March of Mind," when I saw one of these praiseworthy
youngsters, with his crural appendages, cased in a pair of eelskin
inexpressibles, and his nasal adjunct inflamed to that rubicund
complexion which Shakspeare has immortalized in the jovial Bardolph,
quiz a country greenhorn, and _cul_, in the genuine Brummel style, some
vulgar, lowborn, mechanic acquaintance, who insolently aspired to the
honor of a nod! The improvement too, in the education of our young
ladies, is "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ," of the rapid
and resistless march of science and intellect. With a precocity of
talent which would have absolutely dumbfoundered a belle of the olden
time, they now arrive at full maturity at the age of thirteen; when
"My dukedom to a beggarly denier,"
they can out-manoeuvre the most consummate coquette of fifty! They
perfect their education with almost the rapidity of light; and prattle
most bewitchingly in French or Italian, before their pretty mouths have
been sullied by their vulgar vernacular. The odious and despicable
practice of knitting stockings and baking pies, fit only for a race of
Goths in an age of Vandalism, has been inscribed with "_Ilium fuit_,"
and is now patronised only by the rustic _canaille_, who still adhere
to the horrid custom of rising at the dawn of day and attending to
household business. Their proficiency too, in the science of
diacousticks, or the doctrine of sounds, is truly amazing--and the
whole _posse comitatus_ of foreign fiddlers, jugglers, and mountebanks
who kindly condescend to instruct them in music, (as they facetiously
term it) are often thrown into raptures by the ease with which they
produce every variety of noise on a piano, from the deafening roar of a
northwester to the objurgatory grunt of a Virginia porker,
unceremoniously ousted from his luxurious ottoman of mud!
But, as Byron says, greater "than this, than these, than all," are the
wonderful phenomena which have occurred in the science of medicine. The
physicians of modern times, have snatched the imperishable laurels from
the brows of Galen and Hippocrates, and have compelled Old Esculapius
himself, to "hide his diminished head!" It had long been a source of
the most poignant regret to the philanthropic observer of the ills and
afflictions incident to human nature, that the benign system of medical
jurisprudence, designed originally for the alleviation of human
suffering, had been so dilatory and uncertain in its operation, and so
fatally ill adapted to the eradication of numerous diseases from the
human frame, as to effect only a partial accomplishment of its
beneficent purpose. This radical disadvantage in that system of medical
science, might reasonably have been attributed to the want of a proper
firmness and adventurous temerity in its practitioners;--probably,
also, it might have resulted from their lamentable ignorance of the
structure and conformation of the human frame. This system, as was to
have been expected, had met with numerous advocates, principally in
consequence of their perfect personal indemnity from the frequently
fatal result of their ignorance or mismanagement; it being well known
that under this system a practitioner might, if he so chose, administer
a deadly poison to his patient, who would naturally "shuffle off this
mortal coil," while his afflicted relatives would piously attribute his
decease to a dispensation of Providence; and the physician, composedly
pocketing his fees, would have the satisfaction of seeing himself
eulogised in his patient's obituary, as a man of "science and skill."
It is obvious that under this system the patient's life was but
"A vapour eddying in the whirl of chance,"
and the distressing frequency with which we were called on to attend
the remains of a fellow being to the gloomy prisons of the dead,
imperatively demanded a radical and extensive reform.
But fortunately for the human species, the "March of Mind" has led to
medical discoveries which have chained up the monster Death in
impotence, and rendered him a plaything to "the faculty." The long and
pompous pageants of M. D.'s diplomas, &c &c. have ceased to overawe the
eager aspirant for medical celebrity, and he now steps forward in the
path of fame at the age of nineteen, _maximus in magnis_, greatest
among the great! Diseases that formerly baffled the utmost skill of
science, and preyed upon their victims for years, are now thoroughly
extirpated in an hour! The long catalogue of noxious medicines with
which the pharmacopia was crammed, and which served no other purpose
than to swell
"The beggarly account of empty boxes,"
which the shelves of a rascally apothecary presented to view, are now
discarded; and their places are supplied by medicines so simple and so
efficacious, that the value of life, once considered so inestimable,
has actually undergone a considerable diminution, merely because of the
ease with which it may be enjoyed. It is now no longer necessary to
watch the various diagnostics of an obdurate disease through their
origin and development; it is no longer important that the unfortunate
patient should be bolstered up in bed for months, and his stomach
annihilated by a nauseous diet of mush and water gruel. This was but
the quackery of the rapacious cormorants, who grew rich upon the
credulity of their dupes. The patient may be on his feet in half an
hour, by the salutary operation of some harmless medicine, which
produces no other evil effect than a remarkable elongation of the
visage, and divers contortions of the abdominal viscera! Instead of
first ascertaining to what extent the body of the patient has been
debilitated by the ravages of his disorder, it is only requisite to
refer to a mystical talisman, vulgarly called a _teetotum_, which
entirely supersedes the necessity of thought or reflection; and whose
final position, after performing sundry gyrations on its point, informs
the practitioner with unerring certainty, whether his patient should be
_puked, sweated, or blistered!_ The result is certain. The most
complicated case of pulmonary consumption is instantly and thoroughly
cured by _steam_; and an obstinate fever, produced by a superabundance
of bile upon the stomach, is effectually extirpated by an injection of
_cayenne pepper!_ As revolutions never retrograde, these important
changes in medical jurisprudence will only terminate in the actual
resuscitation of a dead body, by an external application of camphorated
salts! a "consummation devoutly to be wished," and most certain to be
effected, by the rejection of all mineral medicines,--which the "March
of Mind" has demonstrated to be hurtful,--and the substitution in their
stead of a few simple vegetable remedies, accurately arranged,
classified, and _numbered!_
But enough. No man can reflect upon these things, without applying, as
I do, the trite quotation, "_tempora mutantur_," &c. Although it has
been used for the ten thousandth time, by the whole tribe of newspaper
scribblers and juvenile poetasters, yet it has never been more
_apropos_. Times _are_ changed; and "oh, _how_ changed!" What mind does
not expand at the delightful contemplation of these grand revolutions;
and who does not look forward with eagerness to the memorable era when
all the vulgar _bourgeois_ qualities of common sense, common decency,
and common virtue, will fade into nothingness before the resistless and
all powerful "March of Mind!"