_Library at the_ TILSBURYS’. MR. TILSBURY _at one end reading
a newspaper_, MRS. TILSBURY _at the other, with a pad and
pencil making sketches at random_.
KATY. (_Announcing_ MRS. BROWN.)
MRS. BROWN. (_Enters, dressed in automobile costume._) How do you
do? I know it isn’t time to start yet on our automobile ride, but I
came early on purpose, because I wanted to have a little chat with
Josephine. Now, Mr. Tilsbury, you go back to your newspaper and
don’t listen to what we say.
MR. TILSBURY. Hats and gowns, I suppose. No, I won’t listen to you,
Mrs. Brown. I am reading the President’s Message.
MRS. BROWN. Oh, I didn’t know he had sent one. Was it a wireless?
MR. TILSBURY. Well, most people seem to think it indicates
wire-pulling.
MRS. BROWN. Dear me, how interesting. Come over here on the sofa,
Josephine. I want you to tell me all about them.
MRS. TILSBURY. About whom?
MRS. BROWN. Why about Mr. Becker and Mr. Van Tousel, of course.
MRS. TILSBURY. You know as much about them as I do. They are both
after Mildred because of her money, and they keep running here all
the time. They seem nice enough men otherwise.
MRS. BROWN. They are too old for Mildred.
MRS. TILSBURY. Yes, but all the young men and boys are scared off
by her seriousness and rights of women ideas, but old birds you
know are harder to frighten away. They think that if a marriage
sometimes reforms a man, it generally transforms a woman into the
stereotyped wife, and that as soon as Mildred is married she will
settle down. (_Goes on drawing._)
MRS. BROWN. What are you doing?
MRS. TILSBURY. I was trying to design a cellar decoration.
MRS. BROWN. I thought they were generally white-washed, but of
course living in an apartment, it is so long since I have thought
about a cellar or a roof that I am not up to the latest fads.
MRS. TILSBURY. The Committee on Art of the Unseen Blushers were so
struck with my picture of the street cleaner that they have asked
me to submit to them some plans for decorating cellars.
MRS. BROWN. That doesn’t sound very complimentary. Cellars are so
dark that no one will see your work.
MRS. TILSBURY. On the contrary, a great many people will see it.
It is for the elevation of furnace men and the men who put away
the coal. It is to give them a sense of the beautiful and an
appreciation of the artistic. Spending so much of their time in
dark hideous cellars, they lose so much of the higher life that it
is really the duty of rich householders to remember these poor men
who have been so long neglected and try to make the scene of their
daily tasks more in harmony with their own luxurious drawing-rooms.
I have been so happy this week working over these designs, for I
have felt that I was doing good to others, and at the same time
that I was indulging myself in my beloved art.
MRS. BROWN. And you have been neglecting Mildred?
MRS. TILSBURY. Not at all. She has been feeling rather tired as a
result of the parade. She did not even go to the Suffragist’s Tea
that Mrs. Thom gave yesterday.
MRS. BROWN. And Mr. Becker and Mr. Van Tousel? What have you done
about them?
MRS. TILSBURY. She has refused to come down to see either of them
because of headaches.
MRS. BROWN. Do you suppose that what that little Slavinsky girl
said about Mr. Becker was true?
MRS. TILSBURY. What did she say?
MRS. BROWN. Don’t you remember? She said she saw him at the theatre
with a lady friend.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Indifferently._) Oh, very likely, it is true. Men
are like the moon, they never show but one side of their surface
to the world of women. I am going to put a moon up in this corner.
Would you make it full or three-quarters?
MRS. BROWN. They show enough of their other side after they are
married.
MRS. TILSBURY. Don’t marry them then. I think I will make this a
new moon. It is more suggestive of a bright future, and circles are
so difficult to draw.
MRS. BROWN. Josephine, you are positively unkind. Here I have done
everything to protect Mildred from Mr. Becker and Mr. Van Tousel
and now that I have succeeded so well that she is too piqued
to receive either of them, you won’t help me by giving me some
definite information about them. You don’t care for anything but
that old drawing.
MRS. TILSBURY. I must present this to the committee to be passed
upon by Tuesday. You are unreasonable, Imogene. How can I find out
about Mr. Becker’s moral character?
MRS. BROWN. You could ask your husband.
MRS. TILSBURY. You know what men are. They never give each other
away to women.
MRS. BROWN. Yes, they always form a close corporation to keep each
other in and women form a close corporation to keep each other out.
MRS. TILSBURY. I suppose that that is an elemental instinct.
Primæval men as hunters were obliged to combine to overcome the
strength of their prey, and women as the hunted used to separate to
disperse their trails.
MRS. BROWN. I am sure I don’t care what the reason was. I will
leave that to Mrs. Thom. I only want to know if Mr. Becker is
unattached, and I can’t go around enquiring about him so I want you
to. A married woman ought to be able to find out everything from
her husband.
MRS. TILSBURY. I think it was Mrs. Thom whom I heard make that
reference to primitive man. She or some other Suffragist. She was
trying to urge the women to be more co-operative. Well, I will ask
George sometime if he knows anything about Mr. Becker’s private
life, but, for my own part, I like Mr. Van Tousel best, you know.
There’s the bell now. That must be he. I’ll go and put on my coat.
MRS. BROWN. Are they both coming this afternoon?
MRS. TILSBURY. No, only Mr. Van Tousel. Mr. Becker had another
engagement, but he is coming here later for tea.
(_Enter_ KATY _with a card on a salver_.)
MRS. TILSBURY. Who is it, Katy? Bring me the card. Mr. Edward
Melvin. I don’t know him. He must have come to the wrong house when
he intended calling on someone else. Take the card back to the
gentleman and tell him he has made a mistake.
KATY. He asked for Miss Tilsbury, ma’am. I thought she was here.
She must be in her room. I will take the card to her.
MRS. TILSBURY. But Miss Tilsbury can’t know him either, if I don’t.
There must be a mistake somewhere.
KATY. I think Miss Tilsbury knows him, ma’am. He has been here
every day this week.
MRS. TILSBURY. What! And you never told me.
KATY. He never asked for you, ma’am. He always asked for Miss
Mildred.
MRS. TILSBURY. But Miss Tilsbury’s friends are mine.
KATY. You just said you didn’t know him, ma’am; besides you were
out a-playin’ Bridge every afternoon.
MR. TILSBURY. You do not seem to have been a very careful
chaperone, Josephine. Who is this man?
MRS. TILSBURY. I don’t know. I never heard of him. Every one seems
to have conspired to deceive me. (_To_ KATY _severely_.) Tell Mr.
Melvin that Miss Tilsbury is out.
MRS. BROWN. Would that be wise, Josephine? If he has been here
every day this week, things must have gone pretty far. You don’t
want to create opposition.
MR. TILSBURY. Melvin! What Melvin is that? Bring the card here,
Katy. Edward Melvin, Harmony Club. Why he must be the president of
the Cornering Trust Company. I can’t afford to have him turned out
of the house. He’s a very strong man. You must treat him politely,
Josephine.
MRS. TILSBURY. What am I to do? It’s one minute I must play the
dragon and keep men away from Mildred, and the next minute that I
must treat a man politely because he is of importance. I can’t ask
men here to dinner and then put poison in their food.
MRS. BROWN. Never mind, dear. Let him come up here. I’ll help you
out. He must be a better _parti_ than Mr. Becker. I’ll try my
fascinations on him.
MRS. TILSBURY. If he has been here so often as Katy says, I am
afraid that Mildred’s fascinations are the only ones that will
appeal to him. Oh, dear, it is dreadful to be a stepmother. One
never knows what a child may have inherited from either father or
mother, while in the case of one’s own children, one at least knows
if they take after oneself.
MRS. BROWN. Or if they don’t. It is as likely to be one way as the
other. But come, have him up. Let us see the Romeo.
MRS. TILSBURY. I must speak to Mildred first. Katy, ask Miss
Tilsbury to come here. I must find out how she met him and what it
all means.
MRS. BROWN. Be careful. Don’t make a martyr of her.
(MILDRED _enters_.)
MILDRED. What is it, Josephine? Katy said you wanted to speak to me.
MRS. TILSBURY. Who is this Mr. Melvin who has come to see you.
Where did you meet him?
MILDRED. Oh, is he here? (_She starts to leave the room._)
MRS. TILSBURY. One minute, please. Tell us first where you met him.
MILDRED. He said papa would know him.
MR. TILSBURY. I know him in a business way but not socially. Tell
us where you ran across him, Mildred. Why have you kept this
acquaintance so secret?
MILDRED. Why, I haven’t kept it secret. Josephine knew all about
it. He’s the man who saw me home the day of the parade.
MRS. TILSBURY. That man, but you didn’t tell me he had been to call.
MILDRED. I have not had a chance. You have been so busy with your
painting in the morning and your bridge in the afternoon. I have
not seen you alone, but I must go, I must not keep Mr. Melvin
waiting any longer.
MRS. TILSBURY. Wouldn’t it be better to send for him to come here
and let him meet your father. You forget, Mildred, that you are an
heiress and that you must not form acquaintances on the street.
MILDRED. Mr. Melvin doesn’t know I am an heiress.
MRS. TILSBURY. Every one knows it. Men make a business of knowing
how much money a girl has. They have it printed in a little book
like a time-table, “Bradshaw’s” they call it. Only after a girl’s
name instead of putting the time the train arrives, they state the
amount of her present fortune and the next stop is represented by
her future expectations, and “discontinued” means, she has married
some one else. All the men carry pocket editions of this book with
them so as to avoid mistakes.
MILDRED. I do not think that Mr. Melvin is attracted by my money.
He wouldn’t stoop to read such a book as you describe.
MRS. TILSBURY. You have very likely told him yourself that you are
an heiress. You are so used to the position.
MILDRED. Oh, I did. I told him about my subscription to the D. D.’s
and about mamma’s leaving me all the money and only her portrait to
papa. Do you really think he only wants me for my money? He seemed
so high-minded and so much in love. Oh, what shall I do?
MRS. TILSBURY. All men are alike. They are all looking for money
when they think of marriage. Mrs. Brown can tell you that.
MRS. BROWN. Yes, Mildred. I have not had a single offer of marriage
since I became a widow and that was six months ago, just because
the late Mr. Brown made a most unkind will and left all his money
to his cousins if I married again. All the judges upheld the will.
They had probably made their own similar. They would establish
the suttee if they could. Never mind, dear, think how splendid it
will be when you have won the ballot for women and we have lady
judges. Mrs. Thom will make a fine judge. The men will never get
a favorable decision from her. Meanwhile, until that happy day
arrives, you are far better off living here in this peaceful home
with your father and Josephine than you would be married to an
adventurer.
KATY. What shall I say to the gentleman, ma’am?
MRS. TILSBURY. I had forgotten he was here. Well, ask him to come
up to this room. It will be better to have him meet your father,
Mildred.
(KATY _goes out_.)
MILDRED. He always enquires after papa.
MRS. TILSBURY. He is afraid to meet him probably.
MILDRED. Josephine, you are unjust. He is not at all the kind of
man you seem to think he is. I am sure he is not a fortune hunter.
He has lots of money of his own.
(_Enter_ MELVIN _just before she finishes speaking_.)
MR. MELVIN. What do you know about fortune hunters, Miss Tilsbury?
MILDRED. Nothing whatsoever, Mr. Melvin. They only trouble my
stepmother. Let me introduce her, Mrs. Tilsbury, Mr. Melvin, and
our friend Mrs. Brown. I think you said you had met my father.
(MELVIN _bows to_ MRS. BROWN _and_ MRS. TILSBURY, _while_ MR.
TILSBURY _comes forward and shakes hands with him_.)
MR. TILSBURY. How do you do, Melvin?
MR. MELVIN. Glad to see you again, Tilsbury. How are you feeling
to-day, Miss Tilsbury, quite rested?
MR. MELVIN. Did your daughter tell you, Mrs. Tilsbury, that she is
educating me in the principles of Woman Suffrage?
MRS. BROWN. (_Aside._) Another Mr. Van Tousel.
MRS. TILSBURY. No, she has never told me anything about you, Mr.
Melvin.
MRS. BROWN. Has she succeeded yet in convincing you of its
importance?
MR. MELVIN. No, it will be a slow process, I am afraid, but she has
declared she will not give it up easily.
MRS. BROWN. She has great success with her other delinquent pupils,
so she naturally feels encouraged to try to convert you.
MR. MELVIN. Here is the little book you loaned me.
MILDRED. Isn’t it splendid?
MRS. BROWN. What book is that?
MILDRED. It is called, _How Women will Use the Ballot to Extend
Home Influence_. It is written by Sophie Slavinsky with a preface
by Mrs. Thom.
MR. MELVIN. The English of the author might be improved upon.
MILDRED. But Miss Slavinsky is a foreigner. Wouldn’t you like to
take it to read, Mrs. Brown?
MRS. BROWN. No, thank you. I really have no time to read. Why, I
am so behind in society news even that I asked my maid to read me
Urban Utterances this morning through the keyhole while I took
my shower. I was going to lunch and I was afraid I wouldn’t
understand a word of the conversation if I didn’t study up
beforehand.
MRS. TILSBURY. My manicure usually keeps me posted upon what is
going on. She seems to know all the gossip about every one.
MRS. BROWN. The masseuse I had last winter when I was prostrated
after Mr. Brown’s death was like that, but she found out such
surprising things about people and excited me so much that the
doctor stopped her coming. I used to lie awake all night after a
massage instead of sleeping better as I was supposed to do.
MR. MELVIN. Are you not going to lend me another book, Miss
Tilsbury?
MILDRED. I am afraid you are not sufficiently appreciative.
MR. MELVIN. I assure you my mind is open to conviction, only I
don’t find Miss Slavinsky’s book convincing. You are not going to
stop my education so soon as this surely. Backward and defective
pupils are the most considered in these progressive times.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Speaking aside to_ MRS. BROWN.) Do something. He
is making love to her before our very eyes.
MRS. BROWN. Here I go to the rescue. I did not know that Miss
Slavinsky wrote books. I thought her vocation was to usher at the
theatre.
MILDRED. That is what she is compelled to do, to support life, but
her books are the expression of her soul.
MR. MELVIN. Are you so loyal to all your friends, Miss Tilsbury?
MILDRED. When I believe in them. I wish you could meet Sophie and
then you would see for yourself what a splendid girl she is. She is
coming for tea at five o’clock. Won’t you stay?
MR. MELVIN. Thank you. I should be very glad to.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Aside._) And it is just striking three now. Two
hours before tea.
KATY. (_Announcing._) Mr. Van Tousel!
(MR. VAN TOUSEL _enters_.)
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Oh, Mrs. Tilsbury, I am so afraid I have kept you
waiting, but I waited for my mother to bring me around in the
carriage. I meet that Slavinsky girl so often passing the house
that I have become quite anxious about going out alone. (_He turns
towards_ MILDRED.) How is the champion of her sex this morning. How
do you do, Mrs. Brown? Hello, Melvin. Hello, Tilsbury.
MR. MELVIN. How are you, Van Tousel? I am afraid I am keeping you,
Mrs. Tilsbury. You have an engagement.
MRS. TILSBURY. We were going for a motor ride, Mr. Melvin, to see
the line of war-ships in the North River.
MR. TILSBURY. I’ll put on my overcoat. It’s time we started.
(_He goes out._)
MRS. TILSBURY. Mr. Tilsbury and I want to thank you, Mr. Melvin,
for your kindness in bringing Mildred home the day of the parade,
but we tell her that although in this case, of course, everything
was all right, she ought not to be quite so ready to trust a
stranger.
MR. MELVIN. I am afraid that she only had a choice between my
taxicab and an ambulance that day, Mrs. Tilsbury, and the doctor in
the ambulance would have been a stranger.
MRS. TILSBURY. She might have telephoned to us.
MILDRED. Why, Josephine, I was too dizzy headed to telephone.
Everything was going round and round.
MRS. TILSBURY. Well, Mr. Melvin might have telephoned then, but of
course, I suppose you did the best you could, Mr. Melvin. Only it
seems a rather curious affair.
MRS. BROWN. I must go and put on my coat and pick up Cochon. I left
him in the hall with the fur coats. I was afraid to bring him near
the fire. Dear little thing, how he does love a motor ride. He
grunts all the way.
(_She goes out._)
MR. MELVIN. Good-bye, Mrs. Tilsbury, I am delighted to have met
you. I hope you will enjoy your ride, Miss Tilsbury.
MILDRED. I am not going.
MRS. TILSBURY and MR. VAN TOUSEL. Not going! Why not?
MILDRED. No, I have a cold. I told you I wasn’t going at luncheon.
Don’t you remember, Josephine? Won’t you stay and talk to me, Mr.
Melvin?
MR. MELVIN. I should be delighted to, if you are sure it won’t make
your cold worse.
MRS. TILSBURY. Why, I didn’t know you had a cold, Mildred. You said
at luncheon that you had a headache.
MILDRED. Well, that was brought about by the cold.
MRS. TILSBURY. You look so well. I thought it had passed off.
(_Re-enter_ MRS. BROWN _in fur coat with_ COCHON _under her
arm_.)
MRS. BROWN. Doesn’t Cochon match my coat nicely?
MRS. TILSBURY. Mildred is not going with us. She says she has a
cold.
MRS. BROWN. Oh, come along, Mildred. The fresh air will do your
cold good.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Yes, Miss Mildred. Don’t disappoint us in this way.
Melvin will come and see you another time.
MRS. BROWN. Why won’t Mr. Melvin come with us?
MR. MELVIN. Thank you. I can’t very well. I have an engagement for
four o’clock.
MRS. BROWN. I thought you were going to stay here for tea at five
o’clock.
MR. MELVIN. I was coming back to tea to meet Miss Slavinsky.
(MR. TILSBURY _returns dressed in fur coat and goggles_.)
MR. TILSBURY. Come along, Josephine. Are you not ready yet? The
days are growing so short that we ought to start right away if we
are going to return before dark.
MRS. BROWN. We are waiting for Mildred.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Decidedly._) If you do not feel well enough to go,
Mildred, I will stay at home with you. Perhaps we had best send for
the doctor.
MILDRED. Oh, don’t stay at home for me, Josephine. I shall be all
right.
MR. MELVIN. I will take good care of her, Mrs. Tilsbury. Don’t
worry.
MRS. BROWN. (_Aside._) No doubt he will. (_To_ MILDRED.) Let me
stay with you, Mildred dear.
MILDRED. Oh, no, Mrs. Brown. Cochon would be so disappointed.
MR. TILSBURY. Come, come, Josephine, we can go and be back in less
time than you take to argue about it.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_To_ MRS. BROWN.) Men are so dense. What shall I do?
MRS. BROWN. Go and come back.
MRS. TILSBURY. I guess that will be best. (_Making a last effort._)
Are you sure you won’t go, Mildred? You wouldn’t feel cold sitting
between Mrs. Brown and me on the back seat and this is your last
chance you know. The fleet sails away to-morrow.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. You oughtn’t to miss seeing it, Miss Mildred. It is
an international event.
MILDRED. But what would become of Cochon? He will have to sit
between you and Mrs. Brown, Josephine.
MRS. TILSBURY. We will leave Cochon here.
MILDRED. Oh, no! That would be a pity. He enjoys automobiling so
much. Do hurry, Josephine. Here, let me hold your coat for you.
MR. TILSBURY. (_From below._) Josephine, are you coming? It will be
dark before we start.
MRS. TILSBURY. Yes, dear, we’re all ready. Good-bye, Mildred. Take
good care of yourself. Good-bye, Mr. Melvin.
ALL. Good-bye, good-bye. (_Exit all but_ MILDRED _and_ MELVIN.)
MR. MELVIN. (_Softly._) At last they have all gone. Do they always
bother you like this?
MILDRED. Yes, Josephine fusses over me all the time. Fortunately
this week she has been busy over her drawing and I have been a
little free to do what I chose. Oh, what am I saying?
MR. MELVIN. You were unconsciously paying me an indirect compliment
which it was very sweet to me to hear.
MILDRED. I have done lots of things that I wanted to do this week,
Mr. Melvin. You weren’t the only thing.
MR. MELVIN. Am I a thing?
MILDRED. Well, people then. I have seen lots of people.
MR. MELVIN. (_Suspiciously._) Men?
MILDRED. Men and women both. (_To change the subject._) I don’t
know but what you were right about the Daughters of the Danaïdes,
Mr. Melvin.
MR. MELVIN. Right how?
MILDRED. About their drawing water in a sieve. I am beginning to
be very discouraged. We do not seem to accomplish anything. There
doesn’t seem to be any prospect of our ever really accomplishing
anything, and sometimes I am not sure that the others care; even
Mrs. Thom seems to enjoy the excitement more than she is concerned
about results.
MR. MELVIN. Why, do you know, I am beginning to be of just the
opposite opinion and to believe that societies like the Daughters
of the Danaïdes do a lot of good in teaching women to organize and
to think and to prepare themselves eventually for the vote.
MILDRED. Then we are just as far apart in agreeing as ever—since we
have both turned around.
MR. MELVIN. Not at all, for we have each had two points of view now
and can sympathize better with each other.
MILDRED. I am so glad to talk with you. I feel so lonely. Josephine
and I have so little in common and Mrs. Thom and Sophie have such
different ideas from mine. I am afraid I am not strong minded.
MR. MELVIN. Don’t be. Talk to me all you want. I think you have
beautiful ideas.
MILDRED. They are very foolish ones I am afraid.
MR. MELVIN. Not to me. Mildred, marry me and then we can talk over
these matters more intimately as men and women should, and then we
could help each other to understand all these questions better.
MILDRED. I never thought of this.
MR. MELVIN. No, but I have and I want you very much dear. I can
teach you to carry water in a sieve in a more scientific way than
the old Danaïdes ever thought of.
MILDRED. How is that? Will you stop up the holes?
MR. MELVIN. No, that would take too long. I have a better plan. We
will freeze the water into ice.
MILDRED. If I married you what would papa and Josephine do without
me? I have all the money, you know, and support the house.
MR. MELVIN. That could be arranged. I have plenty of money for
both you and me and I am making more all the time. The Cornering
Trust is in splendid condition.
MILDRED. And mamma’s portrait, I should hate to leave it. It is my
Guardian Angel, you know.
MR. MELVIN. I have a splendid idea. We’ll buy the portrait. We will
pay an enormous price for it and establish a record value. Then we
will have the picture and your father will have enough to live on.
He would be willing to part with the portrait, wouldn’t he?
MILDRED. I think so, to me at any rate. It is by Madrazo. It is
really a valuable painting.
MR. MELVIN. Then, Mildred, dear, please do not try to think of any
more objections. I should try very hard to make you happy.
MILDRED. We have known each other for so short a time.
MR. MELVIN. That is very true. We must begin to grow better
acquainted at once. (_He takes her hand in his._) Suppose I give
you a few lessons in how to fall in love in exchange for those
lessons in the principles of women’s rights.
MILDRED. I am afraid you are not very serious.
MR. MELVIN. Forgive me, sweetheart, if I seem frivolous. I have
never felt more serious in my life. (_Puts his arm around her._)
(_Enter_ MR. _and_ MRS. TILSBURY, _followed by_ MRS. BROWN
_who holds a handkerchief to her eyes and is assisted to walk
by_ MR. VAN TOUSEL.)
MRS. TILSBURY. A tire broke and we were obliged to come home in a
trolley car.
MR. TILSBURY. I don’t see what was the matter with that tire. It
was only put on last week.
MRS. BROWN. And Cochon is killed.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. And my fur coat has been stolen.
ALL. (_Seeing_ MELVIN _and_ MILDRED.) Oh!
MILDRED. Mr. Melvin and I are engaged, papa.
MR. TILSBURY. Engaged without asking my consent! I forbid it.
MR. MELVIN. (_Understanding his thoughts._) I was just going to ask
it, Tilsbury. I am going to take two treasures away from you at
once,—your daughter and your late wife’s portrait. Mildred wants it
and I will give you $200,000 for it.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Aside._) Thank Heaven, I shall not be obliged to
go to any more Woman Suffrage meetings.
MR. TILSBURY. Melvin, this is a surprise to me. You must let me
think it over.
MRS. TILSBURY. (_Aside._) And to get rid of the old portrait too.
The whole thing is too good to be true. (_To_ MR. TILSBURY.) Don’t
keep Mr. Melvin in suspense, George. The cruel parent is out of
fashion nowadays.
MILDRED. Dear papa, Edward and I are going to be so happy together.
MR. TILSBURY. (_Aside._) Two hundred thousand dollars and my
commissions as trustee. Melvin has his hands so full now, he won’t
want to bother with the care of Mildred’s little fortune. (_To_
MELVIN.) Melvin, I will entrust my daughter to your hands. I am
sure you are worthy of her. As to the portrait—bitter as it is
to me to part with this last token of my late wife’s affection
bequeathed to me in her will, yet for Mildred’s sake I will give
you her dear mother’s portrait for $200,000.
KATY. (_Announcing._) Mrs. Thom.
(MRS. THOM _enters_.)
MRS. BROWN. Two broken tires in one day and Cochon dead. It is too
much. (_Sobs._)
MRS. THOM. I was so disappointed that you couldn’t come to pour tea
at the Suffrage reception yesterday. I am so sorry you have been
ill, dear child. I hope you are feeling better to-day. (_Looks at
her suspiciously._)
MILDRED. Yes, indeed, Mrs. Thom, I am quite recovered, thank
you. I hated to fall out the last minute, but I had such a bad
headache that I could not have carried the tea in the sieve—the tea
strainer, I mean.
MRS. THOM. Well, you must come next week. The teas are to be held
at the Club-house every Friday during the month. The cups all have
“Votes for Women” on them, and I charge fifty cents for a cup of
tea and the purchaser carries the cup home. It is a very good
arrangement, for we make quite a little sum in our sales and the
cups remind the purchasers of the cause.
MRS. TILSBURY. I am afraid Mildred will not have much time for
Woman Suffrage teas at present, Mrs. Thom. She has just become
engaged to Mr. Melvin.
MRS. THOM. Mildred engaged! Why, when did that happen?
MRS. TILSBURY. About an hour ago. It is a result of your Woman
Suffrage Parade. Mr. Melvin saw Mildred home in a taxi cab on that
day, you remember.
MRS. THOM. Dear child, I hope you will be happy, but knowing from
my own case and from that of many of my friends how unequal are
the risks that men and women assume in the married state, I can
only tremble for your future. Of course your fiancé believes in the
cause, otherwise you would not have accepted him.
MILDRED. Oh, Josephine, how could you! We were not going to
announce our engagement just yet.
MRS. TILSBURY. I thought you were announcing it rather emphatically
when we came in.
MILDRED. I want to introduce you to Mr. Melvin, Mrs. Thom. He
has just finished reading your preface to Sophie’s book and is
delighted to have the opportunity to tell you how much he enjoyed
it.
MR. MELVIN. I am glad to meet you, Mrs. Thom, but I cannot claim
your friendship on false pretences. I regret to say I skipped
your preface. It is the one thing I have learned from the Shavian
philosophy, but I will ask Mildred to tell me about it sometime.
MRS. THOM. Of course your fiancé has signed the petition, Mildred?
MR. MELVIN. No, Mrs. Thom, I do not believe sufficiently in “the
cause” to be willing to sign the petition.
MRS. THOM. Do you know what petition I mean?
MR. MELVIN. Certainly: the petition to the State Legislature for
the Enfranchisement of Women Citizens.
MRS. THOM. You know about the petition and yet you refuse to
subscribe to it! Mildred, dear, this is a question of your future
happiness. I might almost say of your future safety. Reflect
before it is too late what it means to put yourself in the power of
a man who believes in the continued enslavement of women.
MR. MELVIN. Oh, Mrs. Thom, you are too severe. If I am in no hurry
to see women voting and a reduplication of the ignorant vote, I
refuse to be called a Bluebeard. I believe that noble women are
inherent queens above the vote, not below it.
MRS. THOM. In England they class women with children and
lunatics in barring them from political rights. In New York, the
Constitution extends the vote to any male citizen over twenty-one
years old regardless of whether he is sane or insane. Even a
lunatic if he be a male is held superior to a woman.
MRS. BROWN. That’s because so many men are a little queer. If votes
could be challenged for craziness as well as for illegal residence
the watchers at the polls would never finish their tasks.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. I want to wish you every happiness, Miss Mildred,
but like Mrs. Thom, I feel a little uncertain about your future. A
woman who is so strong on the subject of Woman Suffrage as you are
ought to marry a man who could sympathize with her.
MILDRED. Oh, but Edward does sympathize with me. He has been
sympathizing with me all the week. I never met any one who
understood me so well.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Perhaps I should have said sympathize in “the
cause.” A man and a woman who believe in the same cause when joined
together can do so much for its advancement.
MILDRED. I will convert him after we are married.
MRS. THOM. It will be too late then. Conversion after marriage is
like putting yeast in bread after it is baked. It cannot raise the
fallen.
(_Enter_ SOPHIE SLAVINSKY _and_ BECKER. _The latter a little
shamefaced._)
KATY. (_Announcing._) Mr. and Mrs. Becker!
MILDRED. Oh, Sophie, I am so glad to see you. I want to be the
first to tell you of my engagement to Mr. Melvin, since Josephine
has already let the cat out of the bag.
SOPHIE. How lovely! Let me kiss you. Marriage is true happiness for
a woman. We must have a little talk together, you and I. (_Turning
to others._) How do you all do, you dear good people.
MRS. TILSBURY. How do you do, Miss Slavinsky.
SOPHIE. Mrs. Becker, please, Mrs. Theodore Halowell Becker. We have
just been married by the Mayor and I stopped here to see Mildred
before we start on the honeymoon. _Nicht Wahr_, dearest? (_To
Becker._)
MRS. THOM. You have married that man—that monster who tramples the
rights of women beneath his feet like worms in the dust!
SOPHIE. We have—what you call it?—swapped votes, like two men,
a Republican and a Democrat, when they want to go play golf on
election day. They two agree, not one will vote. Then everything is
cancelled. So Mr. Becker and me—he is a great big opponent to the
cause and I am a strong advocate. If we both keep quiet the result
is zero, see?
MRS. BROWN. Ah, yes, you and Mr. Becker have become two adjacent
hemispheres.
SOPHIE. (_After a slight pause._) Yes, every brain consists of
two hemispheres, and I am proud to be a hemisphere of Mr. Becker’s
great, big, splendid brain.
MILDRED. This is such a beautiful surprise. Sophie, dear, do tell
us how it all happened.
SOPHIE. Well, you see that day when Mr. Becker met me here, he
came to the theatre the next night to see if I really usher and he
bought his ticket so late he was obliged to take a way back and
sit down seat; almost under the—what do you call it?—oh, yes, the
undress circle where people wear their business clothes. Just as I
had shown him his place and had pushed down his seat and made him
comfortable, and had given him a programme, which he had forgot to
take, and was going to help him off with his overcoat, I happened
to look up, and there was a big pair of opera-glasses falling down
from the undress circle right towards his dear little bald spot,
as if it were a bull’s-eye, and I put out my arm and it hit my arm
instead of his head and made one great blue spot. It is there yet,
see. (_Bares arm._)
MILDRED. You saved Mr. Becker’s life and then he married you! How
romantic! It is just like Edward and me, only it was Edward that
saved my life that day of the Parade.
MR. BECKER. Pardon me, Miss Tilsbury, you women——
SOPHIE. Dear!
MR. BECKER. Except you, Sophie, you women all generalize from one
example. Sophie did probably save my life, but Mr. Melvin can
hardly be said to have saved yours.
SOPHIE. Is he not sweet? He has promised now whenever he says “you
women” to make of me an exception.
MILDRED. But go on with your story, Sophie. What happened next when
you had saved Mr. Becker’s head from the opera-glasses?
MRS. BROWN. Did the owner ever claim them?
SOPHIE. I don’t know. I returned them to the lost and found office.
Well, my arm was so hurted that I could not usher any more this
last week. How could I put out disorderly audiences with one arm
laid up in a sling? Well, Mr. Becker came to see me every day with
flowers and—well, love did the rest.
MILDRED. Well, dear Sophie, I am so glad you are happy.
MRS. THOM. I suppose we shall not see you at the tea on next Friday.
SOPHIE. No, we are going to Niagara, for our honeymoon. It is train
time now, Theodore, _nicht wahr_?
MR. BECKER. I think we should be starting. You women—except you,
Sophie—are so apt to miss trains.
SOPHIE. _Au revoir._ _Auf wiedersehen!_ See you later.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Good-bye. My congratulations, Becker.
(_The_ BECKERS _leave after embraces and kisses_.)
MR. VAN TOUSEL. There but for the kindness of Providence goes Henry
Van Tousel.
MILDRED. Dear me, hasn’t this been a wonderful afternoon! Poor
little me engaged and Sophie married!
MR. MELVIN. It has been the most successful day of my life.
MRS. TILSBURY. Well, it is all the result of your Parade, Mrs.
Thom. The Parade seems to have been a more speedy matchmaker than a
dancing class.
MRS. THOM. I shall not stay here to be insulted.
MILDRED. Oh, Mrs. Thom, no one is insulting you. Don’t spoil
this beautiful day. Let me give you a cup of tea. I am going to
celebrate my engagement by giving a little gift to the cause.
MR. MELVIN. I will double it, Mrs. Thom.
MRS. BROWN. (_Aside._) It is probably the last.
MRS. THOM. Make the check out to me please, Mary Henrietta Thom.
We have no treasurer at present, and I am taking charge of the
donations. I won’t stay for tea, thank you. I have an engagement
and I know that you and Mr. Melvin have a lot to say to each other.
Good-bye, dear child. May you be happy. (_She kisses_ MILDRED,
_bows to the others, and goes_.)
MRS. BROWN. (_Aside to_ MRS. TILSBURY.) Well, there does not seem
to be any one left for me but Mr. Van Tousel and his vice-president
mother.
MRS. TILSBURY. Cheer up, dear, no one ever made a success out of a
vice-presidency except Roosevelt.
MRS. BROWN. Well, I will hope for the best. Mr. Van Tousel, I feel
so upset over Cochon’s death. I am afraid to go home alone. Will
you see me around the corner? It is not very far. The apartment
will be so lonesome without Cochon.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Certainly, I will see you home, Mrs. Brown. I am
coming in to call on you too. I have never been before because
somehow I could not reconcile my idea of you as a lovely woman with
a pig as a companion.
MRS. TILSBURY. Beauty and the Beast, Mr. Van Tousel.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. True, I had forgotten that tale.
MILDRED. How was Cochon killed, Mrs. Brown, or would it make you
feel too badly to tell me about it?
MRS. BROWN. He fell out of the automobile and was run over by an
automobile coming in the opposite direction. Oh dear.
MR. VAN TOUSEL. Come, Mrs. Brown. Let me give you my arm.
Good-afternoon, Mrs. Tilsbury. Thank you for a delightful ride.
Best wishes, Miss Tilsbury, and to you, Melvin.
MRS. BROWN. Good-bye, Josephine. I will telephone in the morning.
MRS. TILSBURY. I think I know what it will be about. Good luck to
you, Imogene.
(MRS. BROWN _and_ MR. VAN TOUSEL _go out_.)
MILDRED. Is she going to have a funeral for Cochon?
MR. TILSBURY. No, she sold him to a butcher for twenty-five dollars
while Mr. Van Tousel went around the corner to get her sal volatile
at a chemist’s. Cochon was killed at a convenient place,—right
opposite a butcher’s shop. Then she closed at once with the people
in the other automobile for fifty dollars for all damages. Good
business woman, Mrs. Brown. Good friend for you, Josephine, but
she’ll do you some day.
MRS. TILSBURY. Well, as my duties as a chaperone seem to be over,
I think I shall return to my art. You will dine with us to-night,
will you not, Mr. Melvin? We shall be quite _en famille_.
MR. MELVIN. Thank you, I should like to very much.
MR. TILSBURY. Well, I am off to the Club. See you later, Melvin.
(MR. _and_ MRS. TILSBURY _go out_.)
MR. MELVIN. Hereafter I am going to change the war-cry to the
singular, and say, “Votes for one woman.”
MILDRED. And I shall say, “Votes for one man.”
(_Curtain._)
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been
corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within
the text and consultation of external sources.
Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added,
when a predominant preference was found in the original book.
Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the
text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.
Pg 43: ‘Do you members’ replaced by ‘Do your members’.
Pg 60: ‘their boots backened’ replaced by ‘their boots blackened’.
Pg 78: ‘Enter MELVIN . . . speaking.’ replaced by ‘(Enter MELVIN
. . . speaking.)’.
Pg 81: ‘MR. VAN TOUSEL enters.’ replaced by ‘(MR. VAN TOUSEL
enters.)’.