There was no expression on her face, perfectly blank it was—Pierson

had a mad longing to say 'For God's sake, woman, speak out what's

in your mind; tell me what you think of me and my daughter. Never mind

my cloth!' But he could no more say it than the woman could tell him

what was in her mind. And with a “Good morning” he passed on. No man

or woman would tell him anything, unless, perhaps, they were drunk. He

came to a public house, and for a moment even hesitated before it, but

the thought of insult aimed at Noel stopped him, and he passed that too.

And then reality made itself known to him. Though he had come out to

hear what they were thinking, he did not really want to hear it, could

not endure it if he did. He had been too long immune from criticism, too

long in the position of one who may tell others what he thinks of

them. And standing there in the crowded street, he was attacked by that

longing for the country which had always come on him when he was hard

pressed. He looked at his memoranda. By stupendous luck it was almost a

blank day. An omnibus passed close by which would take him far out. He

climbed on to it, and travelled as far as Hendon; then getting down, set

forth on foot. It was bright and hot, and the May blossom in full foam.

He walked fast along the perfectly straight road till he came to the top

of Elstree Hill. There for a few moments he stood gazing at the school

chapel, the cricket-field, the wide land beyond. All was very quiet, for

it was lunch-time. A horse was tethered there, and a strolling cat, as

though struck by the tall black incongruity of his figure, paused in her

progress, then, slithering under the wicket gate, arched her back and

rubbed herself against his leg, crinkling and waving the tip of her

tail. Pierson bent down and stroked the creature's head; but uttering

a faint miaou, the cat stepped daintily across the road, Pierson too

stepped on, past the village, and down over the stile, into a field

path. At the edge of the young clover, under a bank of hawthorn, he lay

down on his back, with his hat beside him and his arms crossed over his

chest, like the effigy of some crusader one may see carved on an old

tomb. Though he lay quiet as that old knight, his eyes were not closed,

but fixed on the blue, where a lark was singing. Its song refreshed his

spirit; its passionate light-heartedness stirred all the love of beauty

in him, awoke revolt against a world so murderous and uncharitable.

Oh! to pass up with that song into a land of bright spirits, where

was nothing ugly, hard, merciless, and the gentle face of the Saviour

radiated everlasting love! The scent of the mayflowers, borne down by

the sun shine, drenched his senses; he closed his eyes, and, at once,

as if resenting that momentary escape, his mind resumed debate with

startling intensity. This matter went to the very well-springs, had

a terrible and secret significance. If to act as conscience bade him

rendered him unfit to keep his parish, all was built on sand, had no

deep reality, was but rooted in convention. Charity, and the forgiveness

of sins honestly atoned for—what became of them? Either he was wrong

to have espoused straightforward confession and atonement for her, or

they were wrong in chasing him from that espousal. There could be no

making those extremes to meet. But if he were wrong, having done the

hardest thing already—where could he turn? His Church stood bankrupt

of ideals. He felt as if pushed over the edge of the world, with feet on

space, and head in some blinding cloud. 'I cannot have been wrong,'

he thought; 'any other course was so much easier. I sacrificed my

pride, and my poor girl's pride; I would have loved to let her run

away. If for this we are to be stoned and cast forth, what living force

is there in the religion I have loved; what does it all come to? Have I

served a sham? I cannot and will not believe it. Something is wrong with

me, something is wrong—but where—what?' He rolled over, lay on his

face, and prayed. He prayed for guidance and deliverance from the gusts

of anger which kept sweeping over him; even more for relief from the

feeling of personal outrage, and the unfairness of this thing. He had

striven to be loyal to what he thought the right, had sacrificed all his

sensitiveness, all his secret fastidious pride in his child and himself.

For that he was to be thrown out! Whether through prayer, or in the

scent and feel of the clover, he found presently a certain rest. Away in

the distance he could see the spire of Harrow Church.

The Church! No! She was not, could not be, at fault. The fault was in

himself. 'I am unpractical,' he thought. 'It is so, I know. Agnes

used to say so, Bob and Thirza think so. They all think me unpractical

and dreamy. Is it a sin—I wonder?' There were lambs in the next

field; he watched their gambollings and his heart relaxed; brushing the

clover dust off his black clothes, he began to retrace his steps. The

boys were playing cricket now, and he stood a few minutes watching them.

He had not seen cricket played since the war began; it seemed almost

otherworldly, with the click of the bats, and the shrill young

'voices, under the distant drone of that sky-hornet threshing along to

Hendon. A boy made a good leg hit. “Well played!” he called. Then,

suddenly conscious of his own incongruity and strangeness in that green

spot, he turned away on the road back to London. To resign; to await

events; to send Noel away—of those three courses, the last alone

seemed impossible. 'Am I really so far from them,' he thought,

'that they can wish me to go, for this? If so, I had better go. It

will be just another failure. But I won't believe it yet; I can't

believe it.'

The heat was sweltering, and he became very tired before at last he

reached his omnibus, and could sit with the breeze cooling his hot face.

He did not reach home till six, having eaten nothing since breakfast.

Intending to have a bath and lie down till dinner, he went upstairs.

Unwonted silence reigned. He tapped on the nursery door. It was

deserted; he passed through to Noel's room; but that too was empty.

The wardrobe stood open as if it had been hastily ransacked, and her

dressing-table was bare. In alarm he went to the bell and pulled

it sharply. The old-fashioned ring of it jingled out far below. The

parlour-maid came up.

“Where are Miss Noel and Nurse, Susan?”

“I didn't know you were in, sir. Miss Noel left me this note to give

you. They—I—”

Pierson stopped her with his hand. “Thank you, Susan; get me some tea,

please.” With the note unopened in his hand, he waited till she was

gone. His head was going round, and he sat down on the side of Noel's

bed to read:

“DARLING DADDY,

“The man who came this morning told me of what is going to happen. I

simply won't have it. I'm sending Nurse and baby down to Kestrel at

once, and going to Leila's for the night, until I've made up my mind

what to do. I knew it was a mistake my coming back. I don't care what

happens to me, but I won't have you hurt. I think it's hateful of

people to try and injure you for my fault. I've had to borrow money

from Susan—six pounds. Oh! Daddy dear, forgive me.

“Your loving

“NOLLIE.”

He read it with unutterable relief; at all events he knew where she

was—poor, wilful, rushing, loving-hearted child; knew where she

was, and could get at her. After his bath and some tea, he would go to

Leila's and bring her back. Poor little Nollie, thinking that by just

leaving his house she could settle this deep matter! He did not hurry,

feeling decidedly exhausted, and it was nearly eight before he set out,

leaving a message for Gratian, who did not as a rule come in from her

hospital till past nine.

The day was still glowing, and now, in the cool of evening, his

refreshed senses soaked up its beauty. 'God has so made this world,'

he thought, 'that, no matter what our struggles and sufferings, it's

ever a joy to live when the sun shines, or the moon is bright, or the

night starry. Even we can't spoil it.' In Regent's Park the lilacs

and laburnums were still in bloom though June had come, and he gazed at

them in passing, as a lover might at his lady. His conscience pricked

him suddenly. Mrs. Mitchett and the dark-eyed girl she had brought

to him on New Year's Eve, the very night he had learned of his own

daughter's tragedy—had he ever thought of them since? How had that

poor girl fared? He had been too impatient of her impenetrable mood.

What did he know of the hearts of others, when he did not even know his

own, could not rule his feelings of anger and revolt, had not guided his

own daughter into the waters of safety! And Leila! Had he not been too

censorious in thought? How powerful, how strange was this instinct of

sex, which hovered and swooped on lives, seized them, bore them away,

then dropped them exhausted and defenceless! Some munition-wagons,

painted a dull grey, lumbered past, driven by sunburned youths in drab.

Life-force, Death-force—was it all one; the great unknowable momentum

from which there was but the one escape, in the arms of their Heavenly

Father? Blake's little old stanzas came into his mind:

“And we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the

beams of love; And these black bodies and this sunburnt face Are but a

cloud, and like a shady grove.

“For when our souls have learned the heat to bear, The cloud will

vanish, we shall hear His voice, Saying: Come out from the grove, my

love and care, And round my golden tent like lambs rejoice!”

Learned the heat to bear! Those lambs he had watched in a field that

afternoon, their sudden little leaps and rushes, their funny quivering

wriggling tails, their tiny nuzzling black snouts—what little miracles

of careless joy among the meadow flowers! Lambs, and flowers, and

sunlight! Famine, lust, and the great grey guns! A maze, a wilderness;

and but for faith, what issue, what path for man to take which did not

keep him wandering hopeless, in its thicket? 'God preserve our faith

in love, in charity, and the life to come!' he thought. And a blind

man with a dog, to whose neck was tied a little deep dish for pennies,

ground a hurdy-gurdy as he passed. Pierson put a shilling in the dish.

The man stopped playing, his whitish eyes looked up. “Thank you

kindly, sir; I'll go home now. Come on, Dick!” He tapped his way

round the corner, with his dog straining in front. A blackbird hidden

among the blossoms of an acacia, burst into evening song, and another

great grey munition-wagon rumbled out through the Park gate. 2

The Church-clock was striking nine when he reached Leila's flat, went

up, and knocked. Sounds from-a piano ceased; the door was opened by

Noel. She recoiled when she saw who it was, and said:

“Why did you come, Daddy? It was much better not.”

“Are you alone here?”

“Yes; Leila gave me her key. She has to be at the hospital till ten

to-night.”

“You must come home with me, my dear.”

Noel closed the piano, and sat down on the divan. Her face had the

same expression as when he had told her that she could not marry Cyril

Morland.

“Come, Nollie,” he said; “don't be unreasonable. We must see

this through together.”

“No.”

“My dear, that's childish. Do you think the mere accident of your

being or not being at home can affect my decision as to what my duty

is?”

“Yes; it's my being there that matters. Those people don't care,

so long as it isn't an open scandal.”

“Nollie!”

“But it is so, Daddy. Of course it's so, and you know it. If I'm

away they'll just pity you for having a bad daughter. And quite right

too. I am a bad daughter.”

Pierson smiled. “Just like when you were a tiny.”

“I wish I were a tiny again, or ten years older. It's this half

age—But I'm not coming back with you, Daddy; so it's no good.”

Pierson sat down beside her.

“I've been thinking this over all day,” he said quietly.

“Perhaps in my pride I made a mistake when I first knew of your

trouble. Perhaps I ought to have accepted the consequences of my

failure, then, and have given up, and taken you away at once. After all,

if a man is not fit to have the care of souls, he should have the grace

to know it.”

“But you are fit,” cried Noel passionately; “Daddy, you are

fit!”

“I'm afraid not. There is something wanting in me, I don't know

exactly what; but something very wanting.”

“There isn't. It's only that you're too good—that's why!”

Pierson shook his head. “Don't, Nollie!”

“I will,” cried Noel. “You're too gentle, and you're too good.

You're charitable, and you're simple, and you believe in another

world; that's what's the matter with you, Daddy. Do you think they

do, those people who want to chase us out? They don't even begin to

believe, whatever they say or think. I hate them, and sometimes I hate

the Church; either it's hard and narrow, or else it's worldly.”

She stopped at the expression on her father's face, the most strange

look of pain, and horror, as if an unspoken treachery of his own had

been dragged forth for his inspection.

“You're talking wildly,” he said, but his lips were trembling.

“You mustn't say things like that; they're blasphemous and

wicked.”

Noel bit her lips, sitting very stiff and still, against a high blue

cushion. Then she burst out again:

“You've slaved for those people years and years, and you've had no

pleasure and you've had no love; and they wouldn't care that if

you broke your heart. They don't care for anything, so long as it all

seems proper. Daddy, if you let them hurt you, I won't forgive you!”

“And what if you hurt me now, Nollie?”

Noel pressed his hand against her warm cheek.

“Oh, no! Oh, no! I don't—I won't. Not again. I've done that

already.”

“Very well, my dear! then come home with me, and we'll see what's

best to be done. It can't be settled by running away.”

Noel dropped his hand. “No. Twice I've done what you wanted, and

it's been a mistake. If I hadn't gone to Church on Sunday to please

you, perhaps it would never have come to this. You don't see things,

Daddy. I could tell, though I was sitting right in front. I knew what

their faces were like, and what they were thinking.”

“One must do right, Nollie, and not mind.”

“Yes; but what is right? It's not right for me to hurt you, and

I'm not going to.”

Pierson understood all at once that it was useless to try and move her.

“What are you going to do, then?”

“I suppose I shall go to Kestrel to-morrow. Auntie will have me, I

know; I shall talk to Leila.”

“Whatever you do, promise to let me know.”

Noel nodded.

“Daddy, you—look awfully, awfully tired. I'm going to give you

some medicine.” She went to a little three-cornered cupboard, and bent

down. Medicine! The medicine he wanted was not for the body; knowledge

of what his duty was—that alone could heal him!

The loud popping of a cork roused him. “What are you doing, Nollie?”

Noel rose with a flushed face, holding in one hand a glass of champagne,

in the other a biscuit.

“You're to take this; and I'm going to have some myself.”

“My dear,” said Pierson bewildered; “it's not yours.”

“Drink it; Daddy! Don't you know that Leila would never forgive me

if I let you go home looking like that. Besides, she told me I was to

eat. Drink it. You can send her a nice present. Drink it!” And she

stamped her foot.

Pierson took the glass, and sat there nibbling and sipping. It was nice,

very! He had not quite realised how much he needed food and drink. Noel

returned from the cupboard a second time; she too had a glass and a

biscuit.

“There, you look better already. Now you're to go home at once, in

a cab if you can get one; and tell Gratian to make you feed up, or you

won't have a body at all; you can't do your duty if you haven't

one, you know.”

Pierson smiled, and finished the champagne.

Noel took the glass from him. “You're my child to-night, and

I'm going to send you to bed. Don't worry, Daddy; it'll all come

right.” And, taking his arm, she went downstairs with him, and blew

him a kiss from the doorway.

He walked away in a sort of dream. Daylight was not quite gone, but the

moon was up, just past its full, and the search-lights had begun their

nightly wanderings. It was a sky of ghosts and shadows, fitting to the

thought which came to him. The finger of Providence was in all this,

perhaps! Why should he not go out to France! At last; why not? Some

better man, who understood men's hearts, who knew the world, would

take his place; and he could go where death made all things simple, and

he could not fail. He walked faster and faster, full of an intoxicating

relief. Thirza and Gratian would take care of Nollie far better than

he. Yes, surely it was ordained! Moonlight had the town now; and all was

steel blue, the very air steel-blue; a dream-city of marvellous beauty,

through which he passed, exalted. Soon he would be where that poor boy,

and a million others, had given their lives; with the mud and the shells

and the scarred grey ground, and the jagged trees, where Christ was

daily crucified—there where he had so often longed to be these three

years past. It was ordained!

And two women whom he met looked at each other when he had gone by, and

those words 'the blighted crow' which they had been about to speak,

died on their lips.

VIII

Noel felt light-hearted too, as if she had won a victory. She found some

potted meat, spread it on another biscuit, ate it greedily, and finished

the pint bottle of champagne. Then she hunted for the cigarettes, and

sat down at the piano. She played old tunes—“There is a Tavern in

the Town,” “Once I Loved a Maiden Fair,” “Mowing the Barley,”

“Clementine,” “Lowlands,” and sang to them such words as she

remembered. There was a delicious running in her veins, and once she

got up and danced. She was kneeling at the window, looking out, when she

heard the door open, and without getting up, cried out:

“Isn't it a gorgeous night! I've had Daddy here. I gave him some

of your champagne, and drank the rest—” then was conscious of a

figure far too tall for Leila, and a man's voice saying:

“I'm awfully sorry. It's only I, Jimmy Fort.”

Noel scrambled up. “Leila isn't in; but she will be

directly—it's past ten.”

He was standing stock-still in the middle of the room.

“Won't you sit down? Oh! and won't you have a cigarette?”

“Thanks.”

By the flash of his briquette she saw his face clearly; the look on it

filled her with a sort of malicious glee.

“I'm going now,” she said. “Would you mind telling Leila that I

found I couldn't stop?” She made towards the divan to get her hat.

When she had put it on, she found him standing just in front of her.

“Noel-if you don't mind me calling you that?”

“Not a bit.”

“Don't go; I'm going myself.”

“Oh, no! Not for worlds.” She tried to slip past, but he took hold

of her wrist.

“Please; just one minute!”

Noel stayed motionless, looking at him, while his hand still held her

wrist. He said quietly:

“Do you mind telling me why you came here?”

“Oh, just to see Leila.”

“Things have come to a head at home, haven't they?”

Noel shrugged her shoulders.

“You came for refuge, didn't you?”

“From whom?”

“Don't be angry; from the need of hurting your father.”

She nodded.

“I knew it would come to that. What are you going to do?”

“Enjoy myself.” She was saying something fatuous, yet she meant it.

“That's absurd. Don't be angry! You're quite right. Only, you

must begin at the right end, mustn't you? Sit down!”

Noel tried to free her wrist.

“No; sit down, please.”

Noel sat down; but as he loosed her wrist, she laughed. This was where

he sat with Leila, where they would sit when she was gone. “It's

awfully funny, isn't it?” she said.

“Funny?” he muttered savagely. “Most things are, in this funny

world.”

The sound of a taxi stopping not far off had come to her ears, and she

gathered her feet under her, planting them firmly. If she sprang up,

could she slip by him before he caught her arm again, and get that taxi?

“If I go now,” he said, “will you promise me to stop till you've

seen Leila?”

“No.”

“That's foolish. Come, promise!”

Noel shook her head. She felt a perverse pleasure at his embarrassment.

“Leila's lucky, isn't she? No children, no husband, no father, no

anything. Lovely!”

She saw his arm go up as if to ward off a blow. “Poor Leila!” he

said.

“Why are you sorry for her? She has freedom! And she has you!”

She knew it would hurt; but she wanted to hurt him.

“You needn't envy her for that.”

He had just spoken, when Noel saw a figure over by the door.

She jumped up, and said breathlessly:

“Oh, here you are, Leila! Father's been here, and we've had some

of your champagne!”

“Capital! You are in the dark!”

Noel felt the blood rush into her cheeks. The light leaped up, and Leila

came forward. She looked extremely pale, calm, and self-contained, in

her nurse's dress; her full lips were tightly pressed together, but

Noel could see her breast heaving violently. A turmoil of shame and

wounded pride began raging in the girl. Why had she not flown long ago?

Why had she let herself be trapped like this? Leila would think she

had been making up to him! Horrible! Disgusting! Why didn't he—why

didn't some one, speak? Then Leila said:

“I didn't expect you, Jimmy; I'm glad you haven't been dull.

Noel is staying here to-night. Give me a cigarette. Sit down, both of

you. I'm awfully tired!”

She sank into a chair, leaning back, with her knees crossed; and at

that moment Noel admired her. She had said it beautifully; she looked

so calm. Fort was lighting her cigarette; his hand was shaking, his face

all sorry and mortified.

“Give Noel one, too, and draw the curtains, Jimmy. Quick! Not that it

makes any difference; it's as light as day. Sit down, dear.”

But Noel remained standing.

“What have you been talking of? Love and Chinese lanterns, or only

me?”

At those words Fort, who was drawing the last curtain, turned round; his

tall figure was poised awkwardly against the wall, his face, unsuited to

diplomacy, had a look as of flesh being beaten. If weals had started up

across it, Noel would not have been surprised.

He said with painful slowness:

“I don't exactly know; we had hardly begun, had we?”

“The night is young,” said Leila. “Go on while I just take off my

things.”

She rose with the cigarette between her lips, and went into the inner

room. In passing, she gave Noel a look. What there was in that look,

the girl could never make clear even to herself. Perhaps a creature shot

would gaze like that, with a sort of profound and distant questioning,

reproach, and anger, with a sort of pride, and the quiver of death. As

the door closed, Fort came right across the room.

“Go to her;” cried Noel; “she wants you. Can't you see, she

wants you?”

And before he could move, she was at the door. She flew downstairs, and

out into the moonlight. The taxi, a little way off, was just beginning

to move away; she ran towards it, calling out:

“Anywhere! Piccadilly!” and jumping in, blotted herself against the

cushions in the far corner.

She did not come to herself, as it were, for several minutes, and then

feeling she 'could no longer bear the cab, stopped it, and got out.

Where was she? Bond Street! She began, idly, wandering down its narrow

length; the fullest street by day, the emptiest by night. Oh! it had

been horrible! Nothing said by any of them—nothing, and yet everything

dragged out—of him, of Leila, of herself! She seemed to have no pride

or decency left, as if she had been caught stealing. All her happy

exhilaration was gone, leaving a miserable recklessness. Nothing she

did was right, nothing turned out well, so what did it all matter? The

moonlight flooding down between the tall houses gave her a peculiar

heady feeling. “Fey” her father had called her. She laughed. 'But

I'm not going home,' she thought. Bored with the street's length;

she turned off, and was suddenly in Hanover Square. There was the

Church, grey-white, where she had been bridesmaid to a second cousin,

when she was fifteen. She seemed to see it all again—her frock, the

lilies in her hand, the surplices of the choir, the bride's dress, all

moonlight-coloured, and unreal. 'I wonder what's become of her!'

she thought. 'He's dead, I expect, like Cyril!' She saw her

father's face as he was marrying them, heard his voice: “For better,

for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death

do you part.” And the moonlight on the Church seemed to shift and

quiver-some pigeons perhaps had been disturbed up there. Then instead

of that wedding vision, she saw Monsieur Barra, sitting on his

chair, gazing at the floor, and Chica nursing her doll. “All mad,

mademoiselle, a little mad. Millions of men with white souls, but all a

little tiny bit mad, you know.” Then Leila's face came before her,

with that look in her eyes. She felt again the hot clasp of Fort's

fingers on her wrist, and walked on, rubbing it with the other hand. She

turned into Regent Street. The wide curve of the Quadrant swept into

a sky of unreal blue, and the orange-shaded lamps merely added to the

unreality. 'Love and Chinese lanterns! I should like some coffee,'

she thought suddenly. She was quite close to the place where Lavendie

had taken her. Should she go in there? Why not? She must go somewhere.

She turned into the revolving cage of glass. But no sooner was she

imprisoned there than in a flash Lavendie's face of disgust; and the

red-lipped women, the green stuff that smelled of peppermint came back,

filling her with a rush of dismay. She made the full circle in the

revolving cage; and came out into the street again with a laugh. A tall

young man in khaki stood there: “Hallo!” he said. “Come in and

dance!” She started, recoiled from him and began to walk away as fast

as ever she could. She passed a woman whose eyes seemed to scorch her. A

woman like a swift vision of ruin with those eyes, and thickly powdered

cheeks, and loose red mouth. Noel shuddered and fled along, feeling that

her only safety lay in speed. But she could not walk about all night.

There would be no train for Kestrel till the morning—and did she

really want to go there, and eat her heart out? Suddenly she thought of

George. Why should she not go down to him? He would know what was best

for her to do. At the foot of the steps below the Waterloo Column

she stood still. All was quiet there and empty, the great buildings

whitened, the trees blurred and blue; and sweeter air was coming across

their flowering tops. The queer “fey” moony sensation was still

with her; so that she felt small and light, as if she could have floated

through a ring. Faint rims of light showed round the windows of the

Admiralty. The war! However lovely the night, however sweet the lilac

smelt-that never stopped! She turned away and passed out under the arch,

making for the station. The train of the wounded had just come in, and

she stood in the cheering crowd watching the ambulances run out. Tears

of excited emotion filled her eyes, and trickled down. Steady, smooth,

grey, one after the other they came gliding, with a little burst of

cheers greeting each one. All were gone now, and she could pass in.

She went to the buffet and got a large cup of coffee, and a bun.

Then, having noted the time of her early morning train, she sought the

ladies' waiting-room, and sitting down in a corner, took out her purse

and counted her money. Two pounds fifteen-enough to go to the hotel, if

she liked. But, without luggage—it was so conspicuous, and she could

sleep in this corner all right, if she wanted. What did girls do who

had no money, and no friends to go to? Tucked away in the corner of that

empty, heavy, varnished room, she seemed to see the cruelty and hardness

of life as she had never before seen it, not even when facing her

confinement. How lucky she had been, and was! Everyone was good to her.

She had no real want or dangers, to face. But, for women—yes, and men

too—who had no one to fall back on, nothing but their own hands and

health and luck, it must be awful. That girl whose eyes had scorched

her—perhaps she had no one—nothing. And people who were born ill,

and the millions of poor women, like those whom she had gone visiting

with Gratian sometimes in the poorer streets of her father's

parish—for the first time she seemed to really know and feel the

sort of lives they led. And then, Leila's face came back to her

once more—Leila whom she had robbed. And the worst of it was, that,

alongside her remorseful sympathy, she felt a sort of satisfaction. She

could not help his not loving Leila, she could not help it if he loved

herself! And he did—she knew it! To feel that anyone loved her was

so comforting. But it was all awful! And she—the cause of it! And

yet—she had never done or said anything to attract him. No! She could

not have helped it.

She had begun to feel drowsy, and closed her eyes. And gradually there

came on her a cosey sensation, as if she were leaning up against someone

with her head tucked in against his shoulder, as she had so often leaned

as a child against her father, coming back from some long darkening

drive in Wales or Scotland. She seemed even to feel the wet soft

Westerly air on her face and eyelids, and to sniff the scent of a frieze

coat; to hear the jog of hoofs and the rolling of the wheels; to feel

the closing in of the darkness. Then, so dimly and drowsily, she seemed

to know that it was not her father, but someone—someone—then no

more, no more at all.

IX

She was awakened by the scream of an engine, and looked around her

amazed. Her neck had fallen sideways while she slept, and felt horridly

stiff; her head ached, and she was shivering. She saw by the clock

that it was past five. 'If only I could get some tea!' she thought.

'Anyway I won't stay here any longer!' When she had washed, and

rubbed some of the stiffness out of her neck, the tea renewed her sense

of adventure wonderfully. Her train did not start for an hour; she had

time for a walk, to warm herself, and went down to the river. There

was an early haze, and all looked a little mysterious; but people were

already passing on their way to work. She walked along, looking at the

water flowing up under the bright mist to which the gulls gave a sort of

hovering life. She went as far as Blackfriars Bridge, and turning back,

sat down on a bench under a plane-tree, just as the sun broke through.

A little pasty woman with a pinched yellowish face was already sitting

there, so still, and seeming to see so little, that Noel wondered of

what she could be thinking. While she watched, the woman's face began

puckering, and tears rolled slowly, down, trickling from pucker to

pucker, till, summoning up her courage, Noel sidled nearer, and said:

“Oh! What's the matter?”

The tears seemed to stop from sheer surprise; little grey eyes gazed

round, patient little eyes from above an almost bridgeless nose.

“I'ad a baby. It's dead.... its father's dead in France.... I

was goin' in the water, but I didn't like the look of it, and now I

never will.”

That “Now I never will,” moved Noel terribly. She slid her arm along

the back of the bench and clasped the skinniest of shoulders.

“Don't cry!”

“It was my first. I'm thirty-eight. I'll never 'ave another. Oh!

Why didn't I go in the water?”

The face puckered again, and the squeezed-out tears ran down. 'Of

course she must cry,' thought Noel; 'cry and cry till it feels

better.' And she stroked the shoulder of the little woman, whose

emotion was disengaging the scent of old clothes.

“The father of my baby was killed in France, too,” she said at last.

The little sad grey eyes looked curiously round.

“Was 'e? 'Ave you got your baby still?”

“Yes, oh, yes!”

“I'm glad of that. It 'urts so bad, it does. I'd rather lose me

'usband than me baby, any day.” The sun was shining now on a cheek

of that terribly patient face; its brightness seemed cruel perching

there.

“Can I do anything to help you?” Noel murmured.

“No, thank you, miss. I'm goin' 'ome now. I don't live

far. Thank you kindly.” And raising her eyes for one more of those

half-bewildered looks, she moved away along the Embankment wall. When

she was out of sight, Noel walked back to the station. The train was in,

and she took her seat. She had three fellow passengers, all in khaki;

very silent and moody, as men are when they have to get up early. One

was tall, dark, and perhaps thirty-five; the second small, and about

fifty, with cropped, scanty grey hair; the third was of medium height

and quite sixty-five, with a long row of little coloured patches on his

tunic, and a bald, narrow, well-shaped head, grey hair brushed back at

the sides, and the thin, collected features and drooping moustache of

the old school. It was at him that Noel looked. When he glanced out of

the window, or otherwise retired within himself, she liked his face; but

when he turned to the ticket-collector or spoke to the others, she did

not like it half so much. It was as if the old fellow had two selves,

one of which he used when alone, the other in which he dressed every

morning to meet the world. They had begun to talk about some Tribunal on

which they had to sit. Noel did not listen, but a word or two carried to

her now and then.

“How many to-day?” she heard the old fellow ask, and the little

cropped man answering: “Hundred and fourteen.”

Fresh from the sight of the poor little shabby woman and her grief, she

could not help a sort of shrinking from that trim old soldier, with his

thin, regular face, who held the fate of a “Hundred and fourteen”

in his firm, narrow grasp, perhaps every day. Would he understand their

troubles or wants? Of course he wouldn't! Then, she saw him looking at

her critically with his keen eyes. If he had known her secret, he would

be thinking: 'A lady and act like that! Oh, no! Quite-quite out of

the question!' And she felt as if she could, sink under the seat with

shame. But no doubt he was only thinking: 'Very young to be travelling

by herself at this hour of the morning. Pretty too!' If he knew

the real truth of her—how he would stare! But why should this utter

stranger, this old disciplinarian, by a casual glance, by the mere form

of his face, make her feel more guilty and ashamed than she had yet

felt? That puzzled her. He was, must be, a narrow, conventional old man;

but he had this power to make her feel ashamed, because she felt that he

had faith in his gods, and was true to them; because she knew he would

die sooner than depart from his creed of conduct. She turned to the

window, biting her lips-angry and despairing. She would never—never

get used to her position; it was no good! And again she had the longing

of her dream, to tuck her face away into that coat, smell the scent of

the frieze, snuggle in, be protected, and forget. 'If I had been that

poor lonely little woman,' she thought, 'and had lost everything, I

should have gone into the water. I should have rushed and jumped. It's

only luck that I'm alive. I won't look at that old man again: then I

shan't feel so bad.'

She had bought some chocolate at the station, and nibbled it, gazing

steadily at the fields covered with daisies and the first of the

buttercups and cowslips. The three soldiers were talking now in

carefully lowered voices. The words: “women,” “under control,”

“perfect plague,” came to her, making her ears burn. In the

hypersensitive mood caused by the strain of yesterday, her broken night,

and the emotional meeting with the little woman, she felt as if they

were including her among those “women.” 'If we stop, I'll get

out,' she thought. But when the train did stop it was they who got

out. She felt the old General's keen veiled glance sum her up for the

last time, and looked full at him just for a moment. He touched his cap,

and said: “Will you have the window up or down?” and lingered to

draw it half-way up.' His punctiliousness made her feel worse than

ever. When the train had started again she roamed up and down her empty

carriage; there was no more a way out of her position than out of this

rolling cushioned carriage! And then she seemed to hear Fort's voice

saying: 'Sit down, please!' and to feel his fingers clasp her wrist,

Oh! he was nice and comforting; he would never reproach or remind her!

And now, probably, she would never see him again.

The train drew up at last. She did not know where George lodged, and

would have to go to his hospital. She planned to get there at half past

nine, and having eaten a sort of breakfast at the station, went forth

into the town. The seaside was still wrapped in the early glamour which

haunts chalk of a bright morning. But the streets were very much alive.

Here was real business of the war. She passed houses which had been

wrecked. Trucks clanged and shunted, great lorries rumbled smoothly by.

Sea—and Air-planes were moving like great birds far up in the bright

haze, and khaki was everywhere. But it was the sea Noel wanted. She made

her way westward to a little beach; and, sitting down on a stone, opened

her arms to catch the sun on her face and chest. The tide was nearly

up, with the wavelets of a blue bright sea. The great fact, the greatest

fact in the world, except the sun; vast and free, making everything

human seem small and transitory! It did her good, like a tranquillising

friend. The sea might be cruel and terrible, awful things it could do,

and awful things were being done on it; but its wide level line, its

never-ending song, its sane savour, were the best medicine she could

possibly have taken. She rubbed the Shelly sand between her fingers

in absurd ecstasy; took off her shoes and stockings, paddled, and sat

drying her legs in the sun.

When she left the little beach, she felt as if someone had said to her:

'Your troubles are very little. There's the sun, the sea, the air;

enjoy them. They can't take those from you.'

At the hospital she had to wait half an hour in a little bare room

before George came.

“Nollie! Splendid. I've got an hour. Let's get out of this

cemetery. We'll have time for a good stretch on the tops. Jolly of you

to have come to me. Tell us all about it.”

When she had finished, he squeezed her arm. 348

“I knew it wouldn't do. Your Dad forgot that he's a public figure,

and must expect to be damned accordingly. But though you've cut and

run, he'll resign all the same, Nollie.”

“Oh, no!” cried Noel.

George shook his head.

“Yes, he'll resign, you'll see, he's got no worldly sense; not a

grain.”

“Then I shall have spoiled his life, just as if—oh, no!”

“Let's sit down here. I must be back at eleven.”

They sat down on a bench, where the green cliff stretched out before

them, over a sea quite clear of haze, far down and very blue.

“Why should he resign,” cried Noel again, “now that I've gone?

He'll be lost without it all.”

George smiled.

“Found, my dear. He'll be where he ought to be, Nollie, where the

Church is, and the Churchmen are not—in the air!”

“Don't!” cried Noel passionately.

“No, no, I'm not chaffing. There's no room on earth for saints

in authority. There's use for a saintly symbol, even if one doesn't

hold with it, but there's no mortal use for those who try to have

things both ways—to be saints and seers of visions, and yet to come

the practical and worldly and rule ordinary men's lives. Saintly

example yes; but not saintly governance. You've been his deliverance,

Nollie.”

“But Daddy loves his Church.”

George frowned. “Of course, it'll be a wrench. A man's bound to

have a cosey feeling about a place where he's been boss so long;

and there is something about a Church—the drone, the scent, the half

darkness; there's beauty in it, it's a pleasant drug. But he's not

being asked to give up the drug habit; only to stop administering drugs

to others. Don't worry, Nollie; I don't believe that's ever suited

him, it wants a thicker skin than he's got.”

“But all the people he helps?”

“No reason he shouldn't go on helping people, is there?”

“But to go on living there, without—Mother died there, you know!”

George grunted. “Dreams, Nollie, all round him; of the past and the

future, of what people are and what he can do with them. I never see him

without a skirmish, as you know, and yet I'm fond of him. But I should

be twice as fond, and half as likely to skirmish, if he'd drop the

habits of authority. Then I believe he'd have some real influence over

me; there's something beautiful about him, I know that quite well.”

“Yes,” murmured Noel fervently.

“He's such a queer mixture,” mused George. “Clean out of his

age; chalks above most of the parsons in a spiritual sense and chalks

below most of them in the worldly. And yet I believe he's in the right

of it. The Church ought to be a forlorn hope, Nollie; then we should

believe in it. Instead of that, it's a sort of business that no one

can take too seriously. You see, the Church spiritual can't make good

in this age—has no chance of making good, and so in the main it's

given it up for vested interests and social influence. Your father is a

symbol of what the Church is not. But what about you, my dear? There's

a room at my boarding-house, and only one old lady besides myself, who

knits all the time. If Grace can get shifted we'll find a house, and

you can have the baby. They'll send your luggage on from Paddington if

you write; and in the meantime Gracie's got some things here that you

can have.”

“I'll have to send a wire to Daddy.”

“I'll do that. You come to my diggings at half past one, and I'll

settle you in. Until then, you'd better stay up here.”

When he had gone she roamed a little farther, and lay down on the

short grass, where the chalk broke through in patches. She could hear a

distant rumbling, very low, travelling in that grass, the long mutter

of the Flanders guns. 'I wonder if it's as beautiful a day there,'

she thought. 'How dreadful to see no green, no butterflies, no

flowers-not even sky-for the dust of the shells. Oh! won't it ever,

ever end?' And a sort of passion for the earth welled up in her, the

warm grassy earth along which she lay, pressed so close that she could

feel it with every inch of her body, and the soft spikes of the grass

against her nose and lips. An aching sweetness tortured her, she wanted

the earth to close its arms about her, she wanted the answer to

her embrace of it. She was alive, and wanted love. Not death—not

loneliness—not death! And out there, where the guns muttered, millions

of men would be thinking that same thought!

X

Pierson had passed nearly the whole night with the relics of his past,

the records of his stewardship, the tokens of his short married life.

The idea which had possessed him walking home in the moonlight sustained

him in that melancholy task of docketing and destruction. There was

not nearly so much to do as one would have supposed, for, with all

his dreaminess, he had been oddly neat and businesslike in all parish

matters. But a hundred times that night he stopped, overcome by

memories. Every corner, drawer, photograph, paper was a thread in the

long-spun web of his life in this house. Some phase of his work,

some vision of his wife or daughters started forth from each bit of

furniture, picture, doorway. Noiseless, in his slippers, he stole up and

down between the study, diningroom, drawing-room, and anyone seeing him

at his work in the dim light which visited the staircase from above the

front door and the upper-passage window, would have thought: 'A ghost,

a ghost gone into mourning for the condition of the world.' He had to

make this reckoning to-night, while the exaltation of his new idea was

on him; had to rummage out the very depths of old association, so that

once for all he might know whether he had strength to close the door

on the past. Five o'clock struck before he had finished, and, almost

dropping from fatigue, sat down at his little piano in bright daylight.

The last memory to beset him was the first of all; his honeymoon, before

they came back to live in this house, already chosen, furnished, and

waiting for them. They had spent it in Germany—the first days in

Baden-baden, and each morning had been awakened by a Chorale played down

in the gardens of the Kurhaus, a gentle, beautiful tune, to remind them

that they were in heaven. And softly, so softly that the tunes seemed to

be but dreams he began playing those old Chorales, one after another, so

that the stilly sounds floated out, through the opened window, puzzling

the early birds and cats and those few humans who were abroad as

yet.....

He received the telegram from Noel in the afternoon of the same day,

just as he was about to set out for Leila's to get news of her; and

close on the top of it came Lavendie. He found the painter standing

disconsolate in front of his picture.

“Mademoiselle has deserted me?”

“I'm afraid we shall all desert you soon, monsieur.”

“You are going?”

“Yes, I am leaving here. I hope to go to France.”

“And mademoiselle?”

“She is at the sea with my son-in-law.”

The painter ran his hands through his hair, but stopped them half-way,

as if aware that he was being guilty of ill-breeding.

“Mon dieu!” he said: “Is this not a calamity for you, monsieur le

cure?” But his sense of the calamity was so patently limited to his

unfinished picture that Pierson could not help a smile.

“Ah, monsieur!” said the painter, on whom nothing was lost. “Comme

je suis egoiste! I show my feelings; it is deplorable. My disappointment

must seem a bagatelle to you, who will be so distressed at leaving

your old home. This must be a time of great trouble. Believe me; I

understand. But to sympathise with a grief which is not shown would

be an impertinence, would it not? You English gentlefolk do not let us

share your griefs; you keep them to yourselves.”

Pierson stared. “True,” he said. “Quite true!”

“I am no judge of Christianity, monsieur, but for us artists the doors

of the human heart stand open, our own and others. I suppose we have no

pride—c'est tres-indelicat. Tell me, monsieur, you would not think

it worthy of you to speak to me of your troubles, would you, as I have

spoken of mine?”

Pierson bowed his head, abashed.

“You preach of universal charity and love,” went on Lavendie; “but

how can there be that when you teach also secretly the keeping of your

troubles to yourselves? Man responds to example, not to teaching; you

set the example of the stranger, not the brother. You expect from others

what you do not give. Frankly, monsieur, do you not feel that with every

revelation of your soul and feelings, virtue goes out of you? And I

will tell you why, if you will not think it an offence. In opening your

hearts you feel that you lose authority. You are officers, and must

never forget that. Is it not so?”

Pierson grew red. “I hope there is another feeling too. I think we

feel that to speak of our sufferings or, deeper feelings is to obtrude

oneself, to make a fuss, to be self-concerned, when we might be

concerned with others.”

“Monsieur, au fond we are all concerned with self. To seem selfless is

but your particular way of cultivating the perfection of self. You admit

that not to obtrude self is the way to perfect yourself. Eh bien! What

is that but a deeper concern with self? To be free of this, there is no

way but to forget all about oneself in what one is doing, as I forget

everything when I am painting. But,” he added, with a sudden smile,

“you would not wish to forget the perfecting of self—it would not be

right in your profession. So I must take away this picture, must I not?

It is one of my best works: I regret much not to have finished it.”

“Some day, perhaps—”

“Some day! The picture will stand still, but mademoiselle will not.

She will rush at something, and behold! this face will be gone. No; I

prefer to keep it as it is. It has truth now.” And lifting down the

canvas, he stood it against the wall and folded up the easel. “Bon

soir, monsieur, you have been very good to me.” He wrung Pierson's

hand; and his face for a moment seemed all eyes and spirit. “Adieu!”

“Good-bye,” Pierson murmured. “God bless you!”

“I don't know if I have great confidence in Him,” replied

Lavendie, “but I shall ever remember that so good a man as you has

wished it. To mademoiselle my distinguished salutations, if you

please. If you will permit me, I will come back for my other things

to-morrow.” And carrying easel and canvas, he departed.

Pierson stayed in the old drawing-room, waiting for Gratian to come in,

and thinking over the painter's words. Had his education and position

really made it impossible for him to be brotherly? Was this the secret

of the impotence which he sometimes felt; the reason why charity and

love were not more alive in the hearts of his congregation? 'God knows

I've no consciousness of having felt myself superior,' he thought;

'and yet I would be truly ashamed to tell people of my troubles and of

my struggles. Can it be that Christ, if he were on earth, would count us

Pharisees, believing ourselves not as other men? But surely it is not as

Christians but rather as gentlemen that we keep ourselves to ourselves.

Officers, he called us. I fear—I fear it is true.' Ah, well! There

would not be many more days now. He would learn out there how to open

the hearts of others, and his own. Suffering and death levelled all

barriers, made all men brothers. He was still sitting there when Gratian

came in; and taking her hand, he said:

“Noel has gone down to George, and I want you to get transferred

and go to them, Gracie. I'm giving up the parish and asking for a

chaplaincy.”

“Giving up? After all this time? Is it because of Nollie?”

“No, I think not; I think the time has come. I feel my work here is

barren.”

“Oh, no! And even if it is, it's only because—”

Pierson smiled. “Because of what, Gracie?”

“Dad, it's what I've felt in myself. We want to think and decide

things for ourselves, we want to own our consciences, we can't take

things at second-hand any longer.”

Pierson's face darkened. “Ah!” he said, “to have lost faith is a

grievous thing.”

“We're gaining charity,” cried Gratian.

“The two things are not opposed, my dear.”

“Not in theory; but in practice I think they often are. Oh, Dad!

you look so tired. Have you really made up your mind? Won't you feel

lost?”

“For a little. I shall find myself, out there.”

But the look on his face was too much for Gratian's composure, and she

turned away.

Pierson went down to his study to write his letter of resignation.

Sitting before that blank sheet of paper, he realised to the full how

strongly he had resented the public condemnation passed on his own flesh

and blood, how much his action was the expression of a purely mundane

championship of his daughter; of a mundane mortification. 'Pride,'

he thought. 'Ought I to stay and conquer it?' Twice he set his pen

down, twice took it up again. He could not conquer it. To stay where he

was not wanted, on a sort of sufferance—never! And while he sat before

that empty sheet of paper he tried to do the hardest thing a man can

do—to see himself as others see him; and met with such success as one

might expect—harking at once to the verdicts, not of others at all,

but of his own conscience; and coming soon to that perpetual gnawing

sense which had possessed him ever since the war began, that it was his

duty to be dead. This feeling that to be alive was unworthy of him when

so many of his flock had made the last sacrifice, was reinforced by his

domestic tragedy and the bitter disillusionment it had brought. A sense

of having lost caste weighed on him, while he sat there with his past

receding from him, dusty and unreal. He had the queerest feeling of

his old life falling from him, dropping round his feet like the outworn

scales of a serpent, rung after rung of tasks and duties performed day

after day, year after year. Had they ever been quite real? Well, he

had shed them now, and was to move out into life illumined by the great

reality-death! And taking up his pen, he wrote his resignation.

XI 1

The last Sunday, sunny and bright! Though he did not ask her to go,

Gratian went to every Service that day. And the sight of her, after this

long interval, in their old pew, where once he had been wont to see his

wife's face, and draw refreshment therefrom, affected Pierson

more than anything else. He had told no one of his coming departure,

shrinking from the falsity and suppression which must underlie every

allusion and expression of regret. In the last minute of his last sermon

he would tell them! He went through the day in a sort of dream. Truly

proud and sensitive, under this social blight, he shrank from all alike,

made no attempt to single out supporters or adherents from those who

had fallen away. He knew there would be some, perhaps many, seriously

grieved that he was going; but to try and realise who they were, to

weigh them in the scales against the rest and so forth, was quite

against his nature. It was all or nothing. But when for the last time of

all those hundreds, he mounted the steps of his dark pulpit, he showed

no trace of finality, did not perhaps even feel it yet. For so beautiful

a summer evening the congregation was large. In spite of all reticence,

rumour was busy and curiosity still rife. The writers of the letters,

anonymous and otherwise, had spent a week, not indeed in proclaiming

what they had done, but in justifying to themselves the secret fact

that they had done it. And this was best achieved by speaking to their

neighbours of the serious and awkward situation of the poor Vicar.

The result was visible in a better attendance than had been seen since

summer-time began.

Pierson had never been a great preacher, his voice lacked resonance and

pliancy, his thought breadth and buoyancy, and he was not free from,

the sing-song which mars the utterance of many who have to speak

professionally. But he always made an impression of goodness and

sincerity. On this last Sunday evening he preached again the first

sermon he had ever preached from that pulpit, fresh from the honeymoon

with his young wife. “Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like

one of these.” It lacked now the happy fervour of that most happy

of all his days, yet gained poignancy, coming from so worn a face and

voice. Gratian, who knew that he was going to end with his farewell, was

in a choke of emotion long before he came to it. She sat winking away

her tears, and not till he paused, for so long that she thought his

strength had failed, did she look up. He was leaning a little forward,

seeming to see nothing; but his hands, grasping the pulpit's edge,

were quivering. There was deep silence in the Church, for the look of

his face and figure was strange, even to Gratian. When his lips parted

again to speak, a mist covered her eyes, and she lost sight of him.

“Friends, I am leaving you; these are the last words I shall ever

speak in this place. I go to other work. You have been very good to me.

God has been very good to me. I pray with my whole heart that He may

bless you all. Amen! Amen!”

The mist cleared into tears, and she could see him again gazing down at

her. Was it at her? He was surely seeing something—some vision sweeter

than reality, something he loved more dearly. She fell on her knees, and

buried her face in her hand. All through the hymn she knelt, and through

his clear slow Benediction: “The peace of God, which passeth all

understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love

of God, and of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord; and the blessing of God

Almighty, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, be amongst you and

remain with you always.” And still she knelt on; till she was alone

in the Church. Then she rose and stole home. He did not come in; she did

not expect him. 'It's over,' she kept thinking; 'all over. My

beloved Daddy! Now he has no home; Nollie and I have pulled him

down. And yet I couldn't help it, and perhaps she couldn't. Poor

Nollie!...'

2

Pierson had stayed in the vestry, talking with his choir and wardens;

there was no hitch, for his resignation had been accepted, and he had

arranged with a friend to carry on till the new Vicar was appointed.

When they were gone he went back into the empty Church, and mounted to

the organ-loft. A little window up there was open, and he stood leaning

against the stone, looking out, resting his whole being. Only now that

it was over did he know what stress he had been through. Sparrows were

chirping, but sound of traffic had almost ceased, in that quiet Sunday

hour of the evening meal. Finished! Incredible that he would never come

up here again, never see those roof-lines, that corner of Square Garden,

and hear this familiar chirping of the sparrows. He sat down at the

organ and began to play. The last time the sound would roll out and echo

'round the emptied House of God. For a long time he played, while

the building darkened slowly down there below him. Of all that he would

leave, he would miss this most—the right to come and play here in the

darkening Church, to release emotional sound in this dim empty space

growing ever more beautiful. From chord to chord he let himself go

deeper and deeper into the surge and swell of those sound waves, losing

all sense of actuality, till the music and the whole dark building were

fused in one rapturous solemnity. Away down there the darkness crept

over the Church, till the pews, the altar-all was invisible, save the

columns; and the walls. He began playing his favourite slow movement

from Beethoven's Seventh Symphony—kept to the end, for the visions

it ever brought him. And a cat, which had been stalking the sparrows,

crept in through the little window, and crouched, startled, staring at

him with her green eyes. He closed the organ, went quickly down, and

locked up his Church for the last time. It was warmer outside than in,

and lighter, for daylight was not quite gone. He moved away a few yards,

and stood looking up. Walls, buttresses, and spire were clothed in milky

shadowy grey. The top of the spire seemed to touch a star. 'Goodbye,

my Church!' he thought. 'Good-bye, good-bye!' He felt his face

quiver; clenched his teeth, and turned away.

XII

When Noel fled, Fort had started forward to stop her; then, realising

that with his lameness he could never catch her, he went back and

entered Leila's bedroom.

She had taken off her dress, and was standing in front of her glass,

with the cigarette still in her mouth; and the only movement was the

curling of its blue smoke. He could see her face reflected, pale, with

a little spot of red in each cheek, and burning red ears. She had not

seemed to hear him coming in, but he saw her eyes change when they

caught his reflection in the mirror. From lost and blank, they became

alive and smouldering.

“Noel's gone!” he said.

She answered, as if to his reflection in the glass

“And you haven't gone too? Ah, no! Of course—your leg! She fled, I

suppose? It was rather a jar, my coming in, I'm afraid.”

“No; it was my coming in that was the jar.”

Leila turned round. “Jimmy! I wonder you could discuss me. The

rest—” She shrugged her shoulders—“But that!”

“I was not discussing you. I merely said you were not to be envied for

having me. Are you?”

The moment he had spoken, he was sorry. The anger in her eyes changed

instantly, first to searching, then to misery. She cried out:

“I was to be envied. Oh! Jimmy; I was!” and flung herself face down

on the bed.

Through Fort's mind went the thought: 'Atrocious!' How could he

soothe—make her feel that he loved her, when he didn't—that he

wanted her, when he wanted Noel. He went up to the bedside and touched

her timidly:

“Leila, what is it? You're overtired. What's the matter? I

couldn't help the child's being here. Why do you let it upset you?

She's gone. It's all right. Things are just as they were.”

“Yes!” came the strangled echo; “just!”

He knelt down and stroked her arm. It shivered under the touch, seemed

to stop shivering and wait for the next touch, as if hoping it might be

warmer; shivered again.

“Look at me!” he said. “What is it you want? I'm ready to do

anything.”

She turned and drew herself up on the bed, screwing herself back against

the pillow as if for support, with her knees drawn under her. He was

astonished at the strength of her face and figure, thus entrenched.

“My dear Jimmy!” she said, “I want you to do nothing but get me

another cigarette. At my age one expects no more than one gets!” She

held out her thumb and finger: “Do you mind?”

Fort turned away to get the cigarette. With what bitter restraint and

curious little smile she had said that! But no sooner was he out of the

room and hunting blindly for the cigarettes, than his mind was filled

with an aching concern for Noel, fleeing like that, reckless and hurt,

with nowhere to go. He found the polished birch-wood box which held the

cigarettes, and made a desperate effort to dismiss the image of the girl

before he again reached Leila. She was still sitting there, with her

arms crossed, in the stillness of one whose every nerve and fibre was

stretched taut.

“Have one yourself,” she said. “The pipe of peace.”

Fort lit the cigarettes, and sat down on the edge of the bed; and his

mind at once went back to Noel.

“Yes,” she said suddenly; “I wonder where she's gone. Can you

see her? She might do something reckless a second time. Poor Jimmy! It

would be a pity. And so that monk's been here, and drunk champagne.

Good idea! Get me some, Jimmy!”

Again Fort went, and with him the image of the girl. When he came back

the second time; she had put on that dark silk garment in which she

had appeared suddenly radiant the fatal night after the Queen's

Hall concert. She took the wineglass, and passed him, going into the

sitting-room.

“Come and sit down,” she said. “Is your leg hurting you?”

“Not more than usual,” and he sat down beside her.

“Won't you have some? 'In vino veritas;' my friend.”

He shook his head, and said humbly: “I admire you, Leila.”

“That's lucky. I don't know anyone else who, would.” And she

drank her champagne at a draught.

“Don't you wish,” she said suddenly, “that I had been one of

those wonderful New Women, all brain and good works. How I should have

talked the Universe up and down, and the war, and Causes, drinking tea,

and never boring you to try and love me. What a pity!”

But to Fort there had come Noel's words: “It's awfully funny,

isn't it?”

“Leila,” he said suddenly, “something's got to be done. So

long as you don't wish me to, I'll promise never to see that child

again.”

“My dear boy, she's not a child. She's ripe for love; and—I'm

too ripe for love. That's what's the matter, and I've got to lump

it.” She wrenched her hand out of his and, dropping the empty glass,

covered her face. The awful sensation which visits the true Englishman

when a scene stares him in the face spun in Fort's brain. Should he

seize her hands, drag them down, and kiss her? Should he get up and

leave her alone? Speak, or keep silent; try to console; try to pretend?

And he did absolutely nothing. So far as a man can understand that

moment in a woman's life when she accepts the defeat of Youth

and Beauty, he understood perhaps; but it was only a glimmering. He

understood much better how she was recognising once for all that she

loved where she was not loved.

'And I can't help that,' he thought dumbly; 'simply can't

help that!' Nothing he could say or do would alter it. No words can

convince a woman when kisses have lost reality. Then, to his infinite

relief, she took her hands from her face, and said:

“This is very dull. I think you'd better go, Jimmy.”

He made an effort to speak, but was too afraid of falsity in his voice.

“Very nearly a scene!” said Leila. “My God!

“How men hate them! So do I. I've had too many in my time; nothing

comes of them but a headache next morning. I've spared you that,

Jimmy. Give me a kiss for it.”

He bent down and put his lips to hers. With all his heart he tried to

answer the passion in her kiss. She pushed him away suddenly, and said

faintly:

“Thank you; you did try!”

Fort dashed his hand across his eyes. The sight of her face just then

moved him horribly. What a brute he felt! He took her limp hand, put it

to his lips, and murmured:

“I shall come in to-morrow. We'll go to the theatre, shall we? Good

night, Leila!”

But, in opening the door, he caught sight of her face, staring at him,

evidently waiting for him to turn; the eyes had a frightened look. They

went suddenly soft, so soft as to give his heart a squeeze.

She lifted her hand, blew him a kiss, and he saw her smiling. Without

knowing what his own lips answered, he went out. He could not make

up his mind to go away, but, crossing to the railings, stood leaning

against them, looking up at her windows. She had been very good to him.

He felt like a man who has won at cards, and sneaked away without giving

the loser his revenge. If only she hadn't loved him; and it had been

a soulless companionship, a quite sordid business. Anything rather than

this! English to the backbone, he could not divest himself of a sense of

guilt. To see no way of making up to her, of straightening it out, made

him feel intensely mean. 'Shall I go up again?' he thought. The

window-curtain moved. Then the shreds of light up there vanished.

'She's gone to bed,' he thought. 'I should only upset her worse.

Where is Noel, now, I wonder? I shall never see her again, I suppose.

Altogether a bad business. My God, yes! A bad-bad business!'

And, painfully, for his leg was hurting him, he walked away.

Leila was only too well aware of a truth that feelings are no less real,

poignant, and important to those outside morality's ring fence than

to those within. Her feelings were, indeed, probably even more real and

poignant, just as a wild fruit's flavour is sharper than that of

the tame product. Opinion—she knew—would say, that having wilfully

chosen a position outside morality she had not half the case for

brokenheartedness she would have had if Fort had been her husband:

Opinion—she knew—would say she had no claim on him, and the sooner

an illegal tie was broken, the better! But she felt fully as wretched

as if she had been married. She had not wanted to be outside morality;

never in her life wanted to be that. She was like those who by

confession shed their sins and start again with a clear conscience. She

never meant to sin, only to love, and when she was in love, nothing else

mattered for the moment. But, though a gambler, she had always so far

paid up. Only, this time the stakes were the heaviest a woman can

put down. It was her last throw; and she knew it. So long as a woman

believed in her attraction, there was hope, even when the curtain fell

on a love-affair! But for Leila the lamp of belief had suddenly gone

out, and when this next curtain dropped she felt that she must sit in

the dark until old age made her indifferent. And between forty-four and

real old age a gulf is fixed. This was the first time a man had tired

of her. Why! he had been tired before he began, or so she felt. In one

swift moment as of a drowning person, she saw again all the passages

of their companionship, knew with certainty that it had never been a

genuine flame. Shame ran, consuming, in her veins. She buried her face

in the cushions. This girl had possessed his real heart all the time.

With a laugh she thought: 'I put my money on the wrong horse; I ought

to have backed Edward. I could have turned that poor monk's head. If

only I had never seen Jimmy again; if I had torn his letter up, I could

have made poor Edward love me!' Ifs! What folly! Things happened as

they must!

And, starting up, she began to roam the little room. Without Jimmy she

would be wretched, with him she would be wretched too! 'I can't bear

to see his face,' she thought; 'and I can't live here without

him! It's really funny!' The thought of her hospital filled her

with loathing. To go there day after day with this despair eating at her

heart—she simply could not. She went over her resources. She had more

money than she thought; Jimmy had given her a Christmas present of five

hundred pounds. She had wanted to tear up the cheque, or force him to

take it back; but the realities of the previous five years had prevailed

with her, and she had banked it. She was glad now. She had not to

consider money. Her mind sought to escape in the past. She thought of

her first husband, Ronny Fane; of their mosquito-curtained rooms in

that ghastly Madras heat. Poor Ronny! What a pale, cynical young

ghost started up under that name. She thought of Lynch, his horsey,

matter-of-fact solidity. She had loved them both—for a time. She

thought of the veldt, of Constantia, and the loom of Table Mountain

under the stars; and the first sight of Jimmy, his straight look, the

curve of his crisp head, the kind, fighting-schoolboy frankness of his

face. Even now, after all those months of their companionship, that

long-ago evening at grape harvest, when she sang to him under the

scented creepers, was the memory of him most charged with real feeling.

That one evening at any rate he had longed for her, eleven: years ago,

when she was in her prime. She could have held her own then; Noel would

have come in vain. To think that this girl had still fifteen years

before she would be even in her prime. Fifteen years of witchery; and

then another ten before she was on the shelf. Why! if Noel married

Jimmy, he would be an old man doting on her still, by the time she had

reached this fatal age of forty-four: She felt as if she must scream,

and; stuffing her handkerchief into her mouth, turned out the light.

Darkness cooled her, a little. She pulled aside the curtains, and let in

the moon light. Jimmy and that girl were out in it some where, seeking

each other, if not in body, then in thought. And soon, somehow,

somewhere, they would come together—come together because Fate meant

them to! Fate which had given her young cousin a likeness to herself;

placed her, too, in just such a hopeless position as appealed to Jimmy,

and gave him a chance against younger men. She saw it with bitter

surety. Good gamblers cut their losses! Yes, and proud women did not

keep unwilling lovers! If she had even an outside chance, she would

trail her pride, drag it through the mud, through thorns! But she had

not. And she clenched her fist, and struck out at the night, as though

at the face of that Fate which one could never reach—impalpable,

remorseless, surrounding Fate with its faint mocking smile, devoid of

all human warmth. Nothing could set back the clock, and give her what

this girl had. Time had “done her in,” as it “did in” every

woman, one by one. And she saw herself going down the years, powdering

a little more, painting a little more, touching up her hair, till it was

all artifice, holding on by every little device—and all, to what end?

To see his face get colder and colder, hear his voice more and more

constrained to gentleness; and know that underneath, aversion was

growing with the thought 'You are keeping me from life, and love!'

till one evening, in sheer nerve-break, she would say or do some fearful

thing, and he would come no more. 'No, Jimmy!' she thought; 'find

her, and stay with her. You're not worth all that!' And puffing

to the curtains, as though with that gesture she could shut out her

creeping fate, she turned up the light and sat down at her writing

table. She stayed some minutes motionless, her chin resting on her

hands, the dark silk fallen down from her arms. A little mirror,

framed in curiously carved ivory, picked up by her in an Indian bazaar

twenty-five years ago, hung on a level with her face and gave that face

back to her. 'I'm not ugly,' she thought passionately, 'I'm

not. I still have some looks left. If only that girl hadn't come. And

it was all my doing. Oh, what made me write to both of them, Edward and

Jimmy?' She turned the mirror aside, and took up a pen.

“MY DEAR JIMMY,” she wrote: “It will be better for us both if you

take a holiday from here. Don't come again till I write for you. I'm

sorry I made you so much disturbance to-night. Have a good time, and a

good rest; and don't worry. Your—”

So far she had written when a tear dropped on the page, and she had to

tear it up and begin again. This time she wrote to the end—“Your

Leila.” 'I must post it now,' she thought, 'or he may not get

it before to-morrow evening. I couldn't go through with this again.'

She hurried out with it and slipped it in a pillar box. The night

smelled of flowers; and, hastening back, she lay down, and stayed awake

for hours, tossing, and staring at the dark.

XIII 1

Leila had pluck, but little patience. Her one thought was to get away

and she at once began settling up her affairs and getting a permit to

return to South Africa. The excitements of purchase and preparation were

as good an anodyne as she could have taken. The perils of the sea

were at full just then, and the prospect of danger gave her a sort of

pleasure. 'If I go down,' she thought, 'all the better; brisk,

instead of long and dreary.' But when she had the permit and her cabin

was booked, the irrevocability of her step came to her with full force.

Should she see him again or no? Her boat started in three days, and she

must decide. If in compunction he were to be affectionate, she knew she

would never keep to her decision, and then the horror would begin again,

till again she was forced to this same action. She let the hours go and

go till the very day before, when the ache to see him and the dread of

it had become so unbearable that she could not keep quiet. Late that

afternoon—everything, to the last label, ready—she went out, still

undecided. An itch to turn the dagger in her wound, to know what had

become of Noel, took her to Edward's house. Almost unconsciously she

had put on her prettiest frock, and spent an hour before the glass. A

feverishness of soul, more than of body, which had hung about her ever

since that night, gave her colour. She looked her prettiest; and she

bought a gardenia at a shop in Baker Street and fastened it in her

dress. Reaching the old Square, she was astonished to see a board up

with the words: “To let,” though the house still looked inhabited.

She rang, and was shown into the drawing-room. She had only twice been

in this house before; and for some reason, perhaps because of her own

unhappiness, the old, rather shabby room struck her as pathetic, as

if inhabited by the past. 'I wonder what his wife was like,' she

thought: And then she saw, hanging against a strip of black velvet on

the wall, that faded colour sketch of the slender young woman leaning

forward, with her hands crossed in her lap. The colouring was lavender

and old ivory, with faint touches of rose. The eyes, so living, were

a little like Gratian's; the whole face delicate, eager, good.

'Yes,' she thought, 'he must have loved you very much. To say

good-bye must have been hard.' She was still standing before it when

Pierson came in.

“That's a dear face, Edward. I've come to say good-bye. I'm

leaving for South Africa to-morrow.” And, as her hand touched his,

she thought: 'I must have been mad to think I could ever have made him

love me.'

“Are you—are you leaving him?”

Leila nodded:

“That's very brave, and wonderful.”

“Oh! no. Needs must when the devil drives—that's all. I don't

give up happiness of my own accord. That's not within a hundred miles

of the truth. What I shall become, I don't know, but nothing better,

you may be sure. I give up because I can't keep, and you know why.

Where is Noel?”

“Down at the sea, with George and Gratian.”

He was looking at her in wonder; and the pained, puzzled expression on

his face angered her.

“I see the house is to let. Who'd have thought a child like that

could root up two fossils like us? Never mind, Edward, there's the

same blood in us. We'll keep our ends up in our own ways. Where are

you going?”

“They'll give me a chaplaincy in the East, I think.”

For a wild moment Leila thought: 'Shall I offer to go with him—the

two lost dogs together?'

“What would have happened, Edward, if you had proposed to me that May

week, when we were—a little bit in love? Which would it have been,

worst for, you or me?”

“You wouldn't have taken me, Leila.”

“Oh, one never knows. But you'd never have been a priest then, and

you'd never have become a saint.”

“Don't use that silly word. If you knew—”

“I do; I can see that you've been half burned alive; half burned

and half buried! Well, you have your reward, whatever it is, and I

mine. Good-bye, Edward!” She took his hand. “You might give me your

blessing; I want it.”

Pierson put his other hand on her shoulder and, bending forward, kissed

her forehead.

The tears rushed up in Leila's eyes. “Ah me!” she said, “it's

a sad world!” And wiping the quivering off her lips with the back of

her gloved hand, she went quickly past him to the door. She looked back

from there. He had not stirred, but his lips were moving. 'He's

praying for me!' she thought. 'How funny!'

2

The moment she was outside, she forgot him; the dreadful ache for Fort

seemed to have been whipped up within her, as if that figure of lifelong

repression had infuriated the love of life and pleasure in her. She

must and would see Jimmy again, if she had to wait and seek for him all

night! It was nearly seven, he would surely have finished at the War

Office; he might be at his Club or at his rooms. She made for the

latter.

The little street near Buckingham Gate, where no wag had chalked

“Peace” on the doors for nearly a year now, had an arid look after

a hot day's sun. The hair-dresser's shop below his rooms was still

open, and the private door ajar: 'I won't ring,' she thought;

'I'll go straight up.' While she was mounting the two flights

of stairs, she stopped twice, breathless, from a pain in her side. She

often had that pain now, as if the longing in her heart strained it

physically. On the modest landing at the top, outside his rooms, she

waited, leaning against the wall, which was covered with a red paper.

A window at the back was open and the confused sound of singing came

in—a chorus “Vive-la, vive-la, vive-la ve. Vive la compagnie.” So

it came to her. 'O God!' she thought: 'Let him be in, let him be

nice to me. It's the last time.' And, sick from anxiety, she opened

the door. He was in—lying on a wicker-couch against the wall in the

far corner, with his arms crossed behind his head, and a pipe in his

mouth; his eyes were closed, and he neither moved, nor opened them,

perhaps supposing her to be the servant. Noiseless as a cat, Leila

crossed the room till she stood above him. And waiting for him to come

out of that defiant lethargy, she took her fill of his thin, bony face,

healthy and hollow at the same time. With teeth clenched on the pipe it

had a look of hard resistance, as of a man with his head back, his arms

pinioned to his sides, stiffened against some creature, clinging and

climbing and trying to drag him down. The pipe was alive, and dribbled

smoke; and his leg, the injured one, wriggled restlessly, as if worrying

him; but the rest of him was as utterly and obstinately still as though

he were asleep. His hair grew thick and crisp, not a thread of grey in

it, the teeth which held the pipe glinted white and strong. His face was

young; so much younger than hers. Why did she love it—the face of a

man who couldn't love her? For a second she felt as if she could seize

the cushion which had slipped down off the couch, and smother him as he

lay there, refusing, so it seemed to her, to come to consciousness. Love

despised! Humiliation! She nearly turned and stole away. Then through

the door, left open, behind her, the sound of that chorus: “Vive-la,

vive-la, vive-la ve!” came in and jolted her nerves unbearably.

Tearing the gardenia from her breast, she flung it on to his upturned

face.

“Jimmy!”

Fort struggled up, and stared at her. His face was comic from

bewilderment, and she broke into a little nervous laugh.

“You weren't dreaming of me, dear Jimmy, that's certain. In what

garden were you wandering?”

“Leila! You! How—how jolly!”

“How—how jolly! I wanted to see you, so I came. And I have seen you,

as you are, when you aren't with me. I shall remember it; it was good

for me—awfully good for me.”

“I didn't hear you.”

“Far, far away, my dear. Put my gardenia in, your buttonhole. Stop,

I'll pin it in. Have you had a good rest all this week? Do you like my

dress? It's new. You wouldn't have noticed it, would you?”

“I should have noticed. I think it's charming.

“Jimmy, I believe that nothing—nothing will ever shake your

chivalry.”

“Chivalry? I have none.”

“I am going to shut the door, do you mind?” But he went to the door

himself, shut it, and came back to her. Leila looked up at him.

“Jimmy, if ever you loved me a little bit, be nice to me today. And

if I say things—if I'm bitter—don't mind; don't notice it.

Promise!”

“I promise.”

She took off her hat and sat leaning against him on the couch, so that

she could not see his face. And with his arm round her, she let herself

go, deep into the waters of illusion; down-down, trying to forget there

was a surface to which she must return; like a little girl she played

that game of make-believe. 'He loves me-he loves me—he loves me!'

To lose herself like that for, just an hour, only an hour; she felt that

she would give the rest of the time vouchsafed to her; give it all and

willingly. Her hand clasped his against her heart, she turned her face

backward, up to his, closing her eyes so as still not to see his face;

the scent of the gardenia in his coat hurt her, so sweet and strong it

was.

3

When with her hat on she stood ready to go, it was getting dark. She had

come out of her dream now, was playing at make-believe no more. And she

stood with a stony smile, in the half-dark, looking between her lashes

at the mortified expression on his unconscious face.

“Poor Jimmy!” she said; “I'm not going to keep you from dinner

any longer. No, don't come with me. I'm going alone; and don't

light up, for heaven's sake.”

She put her hand on the lapel of his coat. “That flower's gone brown

at the edges. Throw it away; I can't bear faded flowers. Nor can you.

Get yourself a fresh one tomorrow.”

She pulled the flower from his buttonhole and, crushing it in her hand,

held her face up.

“Well, kiss me once more; it won't hurt you.”

For one moment her lips clung to his with all their might. She wrenched

them away, felt for the handle blindly, opened the door, and, shutting

it in his face, went slowly, swaying a little, down the stairs. She

trailed a gloved hand along the wall, as if its solidity could help

her. At the last half-landing, where a curtain hung, dividing off back

premises, she stopped and listened. There wasn't a sound. 'If I

stand here behind this curtain,' she thought, 'I shall see him

again.' She slipped behind the curtain, close drawn but for a little

chink. It was so dark there that she could not see her own hand. She

heard the door open, and his slow footsteps coming down the stairs. His

feet, knees, whole figure came into sight, his face just a dim blur. He

passed, smoking a cigarette. She crammed her hand against her mouth to

stop herself from speaking and the crushed gardenia filled her nostrils

with its cold, fragrant velvet. He was gone, the door below was shut. A

wild, half-stupid longing came on her to go up again, wait till he came

in, throw herself upon him, tell him she was going, beg him to keep her

with him. Ah! and he would! He would look at her with that haggard pity

she could not bear, and say, “Of course, Leila, of course.” No! By

God, no! “I am going quietly home,” she muttered; “just quietly

home! Come along, be brave; don't be a fool! Come along!” And she

went down into the street: At the entrance to the Park she saw him,

fifty yards in front, dawdling along. And, as if she had been his shadow

lengthened out to that far distance, she moved behind him. Slowly,

always at that distance, she followed him under the plane-trees, along

the Park railings, past St. James's Palace, into Pall Mall. He went up

some steps, and vanished into his Club. It was the end. She looked up

at the building; a monstrous granite tomb, all dark. An emptied cab was

just moving from the door. She got in. “Camelot Mansions, St. John's

Wood.” And braced against the cushions, panting, and clenching her

hands, she thought: 'Well, I've seen him again. Hard crust's

better than no bread. Oh, God! All finished—not a crumb, not a crumb!

Vive-la, vive-la, vive-la ve. Vive-la compagnie!'

XIV

Fort had been lying there about an hour, sleeping and awake, before that

visit: He had dreamed a curious and wonderfully emotionalising dream. A

long grey line, in a dim light, neither of night nor morning, the whole

length of the battle-front in France, charging in short drives, which

carried the line a little forward, with just a tiny pause and suck-back;

then on again irresistibly, on and on; and at each rush, every voice,

his own among them, shouted “Hooray! the English! Hooray! the

English!” The sensation of that advancing tide of dim figures in grey

light, the throb and roar, the wonderful, rhythmic steady drive of it,

no more to be stopped than the waves of an incoming tide, was gloriously

fascinating; life was nothing, death nothing. “Hooray, the English!”

In that dream, he was his country, he was every one of that long

charging line, driving forward in. those great heaving pulsations,

irresistible, on and on. Out of the very centre of this intoxicating

dream he had been dragged by some street noise, and had closed his eyes

again, in the vain hope that he might dream it on to its end. But it

came no more; and lighting his pipe, he lay there wondering at its

fervid, fantastic realism. Death was nothing, if his country lived and

won. In waking hours he never had quite that single-hearted knowledge of

himself. And what marvellously real touches got mixed into the fantastic

stuff of dreams, as if something were at work to convince the dreamer

in spite of himself—“Hooray!” not “Hurrah!” Just common

“Hooray!” And “the English,” not the literary “British.” And

then the soft flower had struck his forehead, and Leila's voice cried:

“Jimmy!”

When she left him, his thought was just a tired: 'Well, so it's

begun again!' What did it matter, since common loyalty and compassion

cut him off from what his heart desired; and that desire was absurd, as

little likely of attainment as the moon. What did it matter? If it gave

her any pleasure to love him, let it go on! Yet, all the time that he

was walking across under the plane trees, Noel seemed to walk in front

of him, just out of reach, so that he ached with the thought that he

would never catch her up, and walk beside her.

Two days later, on reaching his rooms in the evening, he found this

letter on ship's note-paper, with the Plymouth postmark—

“Fare thee well, and if for ever, Then for ever fare thee well”

“Leila”

He read it with a really horrible feeling, for all the world as if he

had been accused of a crime and did not know whether he had committed it

or not. And, trying to collect his thoughts, he took a cab and drove to

her fiat. It was closed, but her address was given him; a bank in

Cape Town. He had received his release. In his remorse and relief, so

confusing and so poignant, he heard the driver of the cab asking where

he wanted to go now. “Oh, back again!” But before they had gone a

mile he corrected the address, in an impulse of which next moment he

felt thoroughly ashamed. What he was doing indeed, was as indecent as if

he were driving from the funeral of his wife to the boudoir of another

woman. When he reached the old Square, and the words “To let” stared

him in the face, he felt a curious relief, though it meant that he would

not see her whom to see for ten minutes he felt he would give a year of

life. Dismissing his cab, he stood debating whether to ring the bell.

The sight of a maid's face at the window decided him. Mr. Pierson

was out, and the young ladies were away. He asked for Mrs. Laird's

address, and turned away, almost into the arms of Pierson himself. The

greeting was stiff and strange. 'Does he know that Leila's gone?'

he thought. 'If so, he must think me the most awful skunk. And am I?

Am I?' When he reached home, he sat down to write to Leila. But having

stared at the paper for an hour and written these three lines—

“MY DEAR LEILA,

“I cannot express to you the feelings with which I received your

letter—”

he tore it up. Nothing would be adequate, nothing would be decent. Let

the dead past bury its dead—the dead past which in his heart had never

been alive! Why pretend? He had done his best to keep his end up. Why

pretend?