You have all seen it in the latest V.C. list--"The Reverend Paul Grayne,
Chaplain to the Forces, for conspicuous bravery and gallant example in
the face of desperate circumstances."
You have all pictured him, the beau-ideal of muscular Christian, the
Fighting Parson, eighteen hands high, terrific in wind and limb, with a
golden mane and a Greek profile; a Pekinese in the drawing-room, a
bull-dog in the arena; a soupçon of Saint FRANCIS with a dash of JOHN L.
SULLIVAN--and all that.
But we who have met heroes know that they are very seldom of the type
which achieves the immortality of the picture post-card.
The stalwart with pearly teeth, lilac eyes and curly lashes is C3 at
Lloyd's (Sir FRANCIS), and may be heard twice daily at the Frivolity
singing, "My Goo-goo Girl from Honolulu" to entranced flappers; while
the lad who has Fritzie D. Hun backed on the ropes, clinching for time,
is usually gifted with bow legs, freckles, a dented proboscis and a
coiffure after the manner of a wire-haired terrier.
The Reverend Paul Grayne, V.C., sometime curate of Thorpington Parva, in
the county of Hampshire, was no exception to this rule. Æsthetically he
was a blot on the landscape; among all the heroes I have met I never saw
anything less heroically moulded.
He stood about five feet nought and tipped the beam at seven stone
nothing. He had a mild chinless face and his long beaky nose, round
large spectacles, and trick of cocking his head sideways when
conversing, gave him the appearance of an intelligent little dicky-bird.
I remember very well the occasion of our first meeting. I was in my
troop lines one afternoon, blackguarding a farrier, when a loud nicker
sounded on the road and a black cob, bearing a feebly protesting padre
upon his fat back, trotted through the gate, up to the lines and began
to swop How d'y'do's with my hairies. The little Padre cocked his head
on one side and oozed apologies from every pore.
He hadn't meant to intrude, he twittered; Peter had brought him; it was
Peter's fault; Peter was very eccentric.
Peter, I gathered, was the fat cob, who by this time had butted into the
lines and was tearing at a hay net as if he hadn't had a meal for years.
His alleged master looked at me hopeless, helpless. What was he to do?
"Well, since Peter is evidently stopping to tea with my horses," said I,
"the only thing you can do is to come to tea with us." So I lifted him
down and bore him off to the cow-shed inhabited by our mess at the time
and regaled him on chlorinated Mazawattee, marmalade and dog biscuit. An
hour later, Peter willing, he left us.
We saw a lot of the Padre after that. Peter, it appeared, had taken
quite a fancy to us and frequently brought him round to meals. The Padre
had no word of say in the matter. He confessed that, when he embarked
upon Peter in the morning, he had not the vaguest idea where mid-day
would find him. Nothing but the black cob's fortunate rule of going home
to supper saved the Padre from being posted as a deserter.
He had an uneasy feeling that Peter would one day suddenly sicken of the
war and that he would find himself in Paris or on the Riviera. We had an
uneasy feeling that Peter would one day develop a curiosity as to the
Bosch horse rations, and stroll across the line, and we should lose the
Padre, a thing we could ill afford to do, for by this time he had taken
us under his wing spiritually and bodily. On Sundays he would appear in
our midst dragging a folding harmonium and hold Church Parade, leading
the hymns in his twittering bird-like voice.
Then the spinster ladies of his old parish of Thorpington Parva gave him
a Ford car, and with this he scoured back areas for provisions and
threaded his tin buggy in and out of columns of dusty infantry and
clattering ammunition limbers, spectacles gleaming, cap slightly awry,
while his batman (a wag) perched precariously a-top of a rocking pile of
biscuit tins, cigarette cases and boxes of tinned fruit, and shouted
after the fashion of railway porters, "By your leave! Fags for the
firin' line. Way for the Woodbine Express."
But if we saw a lot of the Padre it was the Antrims who looked upon him
as their special property. They were line infantry, of the type which
gets most of the work and none of the Press notices, a hard-bitten,
unregenerate crowd, who cared not a whit whether Belgium bled or not,
but loved fighting for its own sake and put their faith in bayonet and
butt. And wherever these Antrims went thither went the Padre also, his
harmonium and his Woodbines. I have a story that, when they were in a
certain part of the line where the trenches were only thirty yards apart
(so close indeed that the opposing forces greeted each other by their
first names and borrowed one another's wiring tools), the Padre dragged
the harmonium into the front line and held service there, and the
Germans over the way joined lustily in the hymns. He kept the men of the
Antrims going on canteen delicacies and their officers in a constant
bubble of joy. He swallowed their tall stories without a gulp; they
pulled one leg and he offered the other; he fell headlong into every
silly trap they set for him. Also they achieved merit in other messes by
peddling yarns of his wonderful innocence and his incredible
absent-mindedness.
"Came to me yesterday, the Dicky Bird did," one of them would relate;
"wanted advice about that fat fraud of his, Peter. 'He's got an abrasion
on the knob of his right-hand front paw,' says he. 'Dicky Bird,' says I,
'that is no way to describe the anatomy of a horse after all the
teaching I've given you.' 'I am so forgetful and horsey terms are so
confusing,' he moans. 'Oh, I recollect now--his starboard ankle!' The
dear babe!"
In the course of time the Antrims went into the Push, but on this
occasion they refused to take the Padre with them, explaining that
Pushes were noisy affairs with messy accidents happening in even the
best regulated battalions.
The Padre was up at midnight to see them go, his spectacles misty. They
went over the bags at dawn, reached their objective in twenty minutes
and scratched themselves in. The Padre rejoined them ten minutes later,
very badly winded, but bringing a case of Woodbines along with him.
My friend Patrick grabbed him by the leg and dragged him into a
shell-hole. Nothing but an inherent respect for his cloth restrained
Patrick from giving the Dicky Bird the spanking of his life. At 8 A.M.
the Hun countered heavily and hove the Antrims out. Patrick retreated in
good order, leading the Padre by an ear. The Antrims sat down, licked
their cuts, puffed some of the Woodbines, then went back and pitchforked
the Bosch in his tender spots. The Bosch collected fresh help and bobbed
up again. Business continued brisk all day, and when night fell the
Antrims were left masters of the position.
At 1 A.M. they were relieved by the Rutland Rifles, and a dog weary
battered remnant of the battalion crawled back to camp in a sunken road
a mile in the rear. One or two found bivouacs left by the Rutlands, but
the majority dropped where they halted. My friend Patrick found a
bivouac, wormed into it and went to sleep. The next thing he remembers
was the roof of his abode caving in with the weight of two men
struggling violently. Patrick extricated himself somehow and rolled out
into the grey dawn to find the sunken road filled with grey figures, in
among the bivouacs and shell holes, stabbing at the sleeping Antrims.
Here and there men were locked together, struggling tooth and claw; the
air was vibrant with a ghastly pandemonium of grunts and shrieks; the
sunken road ran like a slaughter-house gutter. There was only one thing
to do, and that was to get out, so Patrick did so, driving before him
what men he could collect.
A man staggered past him, blowing like a walrus. It was the Padre's
batman, and he had his master tucked under one arm, in his underclothes,
kicking feebly.
Patrick halted his men beyond the hill crest, and there the Colonel
joined him, trotting on his stockinged feet. Other officers arrived,
herding men. "They must have rushed the Ruts., Sir," Patrick panted;
"must be after those guns just behind us." "They'll get 'em too," said
the Colonel grimly. "We can't stop 'em," said the Senior Captain. "If we
counter at once we might give the Loamshires time to come up--they're in
support, Sir--but--but, if they attack us, they'll get those guns--run
right over us."
The Colonel nodded. "Man, I know, I know; but look at 'em"--he pointed
to the pathetic remnant of his battalion lying out behind the
crest--"they're dropping asleep where they lie--they're beat to a
finish--not another kick left in 'em."
He sat down and buried his face in his hands. The redoubtable Antrims
had come to the end.
Suddenly came a shout from the Senior Captain, "Good Lord, what's that
fellow after? Who the devil is it?"
They all turned and saw a tiny figure, clad only in underclothes,
marching deliberately over the ridge towards the Germans.
"Who is it?" the Colonel repeated. "Beggin' your pardon, the Reverend,
Sir," said the Padre's batman as he strode past the group of officers.
"'E give me the slip, Sir. Gawd knows wot 'e's up to now." He lifted up
his voice and wailed after his master, "'Ere, you come back this minute,
Sir. You'll get yourself in trouble again. Do you 'ear me, Sir?" But the
Padre apparently did not hear him, for he plodded steadily on his way.
The batman gave a sob of despair and broke into a double.
The Colonel sprang to his feet, "Hey, stop him, somebody! Those swine'll
shoot him in a second--child murder!"
Two subalterns ran forward, followed by a trio of N.C.O.'s. All along
the line men lifted their weary heads from the ground and saw the tiny
figure on the ridge silhouetted against the red east.
"Oo's that blinkin' fool?"
"The Padre."
"Wot's 'e doin' of?"
"Gawd knows."
A man rose to his knees, from his knees to his feet, and stumbled
forward, mumbling, "'E give me a packet of fags when I was broke." "Me
too," growled another, and followed his chum. "They'll shoot 'im in a
minute," a voice shouted, suddenly frightened. "'Ere, this ain't war,
this is blasted baby-killin'."
In another five seconds the whole line was up and jogging forward at a
lurching double. "And a little child shall lead them," murmured the
Colonel happily, as he put his best foot forwards; a miracle had
happened, and his dear ruffians would go down in glory.
But as they topped the hill crest came the shrill of a whistle from the
opposite ridge, and there was half a battalion of the Rutlands
back-casting for the enemy that had broken through their posts. With
wild yells both parties charged downwards into the sunken road.
When the tumult and shouting had died Patrick went in quest of the
little Padre.
He discovered him sitting on the wreck of his bivouac of the night; he
was clasping some small article to his bosom, and the look in his face
was that of a man who had found his heart's desire.
Patrick sat himself down on a box of bombs, and looked humbly at the
Reverend Paul. It is an awful thing for a man suddenly to find he has
been entertaining a hero unawares.
"Oh, Dicky Bird, Dicky Bird, why did you do it?" he inquired softly.
The Padre cocked his head on one side and commenced to ooze apologies
from every pore.
"Oh dear--you know how absurdly absent-minded I am; well, I suddenly
remembered I had left my teeth behind."