The young man who has been introduced to us as Lieutenant Chatterton,
pursued his way up the main street in no very equable temper. A little,
grey-eyed, snub-nosed civilian, to have insulted an officer and a
gentleman! the disgrace was past all bearing, especially as it had been
inflicted on him in the presence of a lady. Burning with the indignation
befitting his age and profession, and determined to call out the
insulter, his present object was to meet with a friend whom he might
send with the message. Luckily for his purpose, he was met by
Major McToddy.
"Ha! major--never was so happy to see any one in my life," exclaimed
Chatterton, seizing the hand of his friend--a tall, raw-boned, red-faced
man, with a good-natured expression of face, not unmixed with a
considerable share of good sense.
"I really," replied the major, in an accent that was a great deal more
redolent of Renfrew than Middlesex--"I really jist at this moment dinna
happen to have a single guinea aboot me, so ye needna go on wi' your
compliments; but at hame in the kist,--the _arca_, as a body may say"--
"Poh! I don't want to borrow just now--except, indeed, your assistance
in a matter of the highest importance. You have always been so kind, so
obliging, that I am sure you wont refuse."
"Weel, say awa', speak on; _perge, puer_, as a body may say,"
interrupted the major, who seemed resolved to show what command of
language he had, for he uniformly began his speeches in his vernacular,
and translated them, though with an effort, into English, or any other
tongue he chanced to recollect.
"Did you see a lady near the Waterloo? tall, graceful, timid; by
heavens, a shape to dream of, not to see?"
"Then, what for did ye look at it?--answer that if you
please--_responde, s'il vous plait_."
"A creature so sweet, so beautiful; ah, McToddy!"
"What's a' this aboot. What's the meaning of all this? Is't in some wild
play aboot a woman--_une femme,_--a _fæmina_, as a body may say, you
want my help? Gae wa' wi' ye--be off with you,--_apage, Sathanas_, as a
body may say--I'm owre auld in the horn for sic nonsense--_non
mihi tantas_."
"I tell you, major, she is the loveliest creature in Europe. Such a foot
--such shoulders--such a walk--by heavens! I'll shoot him as dead as
Julius Cæsar."
"Who are you going to shoot?--is't a woman in man's claes?" enquired the
major, astonished.
"I'll shoot him--the cursed, fat, pudgy, beastly rascal, her husband.
I've never seen her face, but"--
"Lord seff us!--heaven preserve us, as a body may say. Is that a
respectable reason for shooting a man that you have never seen his
wife's face? Come, come, be cool, John Chatterton--be cool; _animum
rege_, as a body may"--
"Cool? a pretty thing for a steady old stager like you, to tell me to
be cool. I tell you, I've been insulted, threatened, quizzed,
laughed at."
"Wha laughed at ye?" enquired the major.
"The woman. I'm certain, she must have laughed. How could she avoid it?
I know she laughed at me; for though I couldn't see her face for the
horrid veil she kept over it, I saw from the anxiety she was in to hide
it, from the shaking, of her whole figure, that she was in the
convulsions of a suppressed titter. I'll shoot him as I would a
partridge."
"But ye've nae license, sir, nor nae qualification either that I can
see--for what did the honest man do?" said the major, amazed at the
wrath of his companion.
"Do! He didn't actually call me a puppy, but he meant it. I know he
did--I saw it in the twinkle of his light, prying, silly-looking
eyes--the pucking up of his long, red, sneering lip."
"But ye canna fecht a man--you can't challenge a person, as a body may
say, for having light eyes and long lips--what mair? _quid ultra?_ as
a body"--
"He asked me the way to the barracks."
"Weel, there's no great harm in that--_non nocet_, as a"--
"I told him the way, and offered to escort them there; I offered to be
of any use to them in my power, for I knew every officer in garrison,
you know, except our own regiment, that only came in to-day; and just
when I was going to offer my arm to the lovely creature at his side, he
said that they didn't need my guidance, that they did not desire my
society--that he could shoot at a popinjay; now, what the devil _is_ a
popinjay?"
"I'm thinking jay is the English for some sort of a pyet--a tale-bearer,
as a body may say--a blab."
"A blab!--by heavens, Major M'Toddy, I don't know what to say--if I
thought the fellow really meant to insinuate any thing of that kind, I
would horsewhip him though I met him in a church."
"Oho! so your conscience is pricked at last?--_mens sibi non conscia_,
as a body may say," answered the major. "Noo, I want to speak to you on
a point of great importance to yourself, my young friend, before you get
acquainted with the regiment. Hoo long have you been in the depot here,
John Chatterton?"
"Eighteen months."
"Weel, man, that's a-year-and-a-half, and you must be almost a man noo."
The youth looked somewhat inclined to be angry at this mode of hinting
that he was still rather juvenile--but the major went on.
"And you were engaged, six months ago, to the beauty you used to tell me
so much about, Miss Hope of Oakside."
"Yes--yes--well?" replied the youth.
"And what for have ye broke off in such a sudden manner?--_unde rixa?_
as a body may say."
"I broke off, Major M'Toddy? I tell you _she_ broke off with me."
"Did she tell you so?" enquired the senior.
"No--do you think I would condescend to ask her? No; but doesn't every
body know that she is married?"
"Have you seen the announcement in the papers?"
"I never look at the papers--but I tell you I know from the best
authority, that she is either married, or is going to marry an old
worn-out fellow of the name of Smith. A friend of Smith's told me so,
the last time I came down by the coach."
"A man on the top of the coach told you that she was going to be
married--that is, _in vulgum pargere voces_, as a body may say--capital
authority! And what did you do then?"
"Sent her back her letters--with a tickler to herself on her conduct."
"And was that a'?--did you not write to any of her family?"
"No. Her eldest sister is a very delightful, sensible girl, and I am
certain must have been as angry at Marion's behaviour as I was."
"And now her brother's come home to-day--you're sure to meet him--it'll
be an awkward meeting."
"I can meet him or any man in England," replied the youth. "If there's
any awkwardness about it, it sha'n't be on my side."
"Noo, John Chatterton, my young friend, I'm going to say some words to
you that ye'll no like. Ye're very vain o' yoursel'--but maybe at your
time o' life it's not a very great fault to have a decent bump o'
self-conceit; you're the best-hearted, most honourable-minded,
pleasantest lad I know any where, and very like some nephews of my own
in the Company's service: ye'll be a baronet when your father dies, and
as rich as a Jew. But oh, John Chatterton, ye're an ass--a reg'lar
donkey, as a body may say, to get into tiffs of passion, and send back a
beautiful girl's letters, because some land-louping vagabond on the top
of a coach told you some report or other about a Mr Smith"--
"_Captain_ Smith," said Chatterton, biting his lips; "he's a well known
man; he was an ensign in this very regiment, succeeded to a large
fortune, and retired: he's a very old man."
"He's very fine fellow, and as gallant a soldier as ever lived,"
answered the major; "and if you think that a man of six or
seven-and-thirty is ow'r auld to marry, by my troth, Mister Chatterton,
I tak' the liberty to tell you that you labour under a very
considerable mistake."
Chatterton looked at the irate face of his companion, in which the
crow-feet of forty years were distinctly visible, and perceived that he
had gone on a wrong tack.
"Well, but then, major, what the deuce right had she to marry without
giving me notice of her intentions?"
"Set ye up, and push ye forrit!--marry come up! as a body may say--who
made you the young lassie's guardian? If you were really engaged to her,
why didn't you go to Oakside at once and find out the truth, and then go
instantaneously and kick the fellow you met on the top of the coach,
round and round the barrack yard, till there was not enough of him left
to plant your boot on?"
The young man looked down as if a little ashamed of himself.
"Never mind, major," said he, "it can't be helped now; so do, like a
good fellow, go and find out the little rascal who insulted me so
horribly just now. It would be an immense satisfaction to pull his nose
with a regulation glove on."
"But you must describe him, and tell me his name, for it would be a sad
occurrence if I were to give your message to the wrong man."
"You can't mistake him; the most impudent-looking vulgarian in England.
His name is Nicholas Clam, living in some unheard-of district near the
Regent's Park."
"And the lady is his wife, is she?"
"Of course. Who the devil would walk with such a fellow that wasn't
obliged to do it by law?"
"Well, my young friend, I'll see what's to be done in this matter, and
will bring you, most likely, a solemn declaration that he never shot at
a popinjay in his life. And you're really going to end the conversation
without asking me for a loan? You're not going to be like Virtus, _post
nummos_ after the siller, as a body may say?"
"No, not to-day, thank you. The governor keeps me rather short just now,
and won't come down handsome till I'm married; but"--
"So you've lost that and the girl too--the lass and the tocher, as a
body may say--all by the lies of a blackguard on the top of a coach?
Ye're a wild lad, John Chatterton, and so _vale, et memor esto mei--au
revoir_, as a body may say."
The major turned away on warlike thoughts intent, that is to say, with
the intention of finding out Mr Clam, and enquiring into the
circumstances of the insult to his friend. Mr Chatterton was also on the
point of hurrying off, when a gentleman, who had overheard the last
sentence of the sonorous-voiced major's parting speech, stopped
suddenly, as if struck by what was said, and politely addressed
the youth.
"I believe, sir, I heard the name of Chatterton mentioned by the
gentleman who has just left you?"
"Yes, he was speaking of him."
"Of your regiment, sir?"
"Yes, we have a man of that name," replied Mr Chatterton. "What the
deuce can this fellow want?"
"I am extremely anxious to meet him," continued the stranger, "as I have
some business with him of the highest importance."
"Oh, a dun, by Jupiter!" thought the young soldier. He looked at the
stranger, a very well dressed gentlemanly man--too manlike for a tailor
--too polished for a horse-dealer; his Wellingtons were brightly
polished--he was perhaps his boot-maker. "Oh, you wish to see Mr
Chatterton?" he said aloud.
"Very much," replied the stranger. "I have some business with him that
admits of no delay."
"An arrest at least," thought the youth. "I wish to heaven M'Toddy had
not left me! Is it fair to ask," he continued, aloud, "of what nature
your business is with Mr Chatterton? I am his most intimate
acquaintance; whatever you say to me is sure to reach him."
"I must speak to him myself, sir," replied the stranger, coldly. "Where
am I likely to find him?"
"Oh, most likely at the bankers," said the young man, by way of putting
his questioner on the wrong scent. "He has just stept into an immense
fortune from a maiden aunt, and is making arrangements to pay off all
his debts."
"There are some he will find it difficult to settle," replied the
stranger with a sneer, "in spite of his new-found wealth."
"Indeed, sir! What an exorbitant Jew this fellow is; and yet I never
signed any bond!"
"Yes, sir," continued the other, with a bitterer sneer than before, "and
at the same time such as he can't deny. I have vouchers for
every charge."
"Well, he will not dispute your charges. I daresay they are much the
same as those of other people in the same situation with yourself."
"Are there others in that condition?" enquired the stranger; "what an
unprincipled scoundrel!"
"Who, sir? How dare you apply such language to a gentleman?"
"I did not, sir, apply it to a gentleman; I applied it to Mr
Chatterton."
"To _me_, sir! It was to me! _I'm_ Mr Chatterton, sir; and now, out with
your writ--whose suit? What's the amount? Is it Stulz or Dean?"
The stranger steps back on this announcement, and politely but coldly
lifted his hat.
"Oh, curse your politeness!" exclaimed the young man, in the extremity
of anger. "Where's the bill?"
"I don't know your meaning, sir," answered the stranger, "in talking
about writs and bills; but"--
"Why--are you not a tailor, or a bootmaker, or something of the kind?
Don't you say you have claims on me, and don't you talk of charges with
vouchers, and heaven knows what? Come, let us hear. I'll give you a
promissory note, and I daresay my friend Major M'Toddy will give me his
security."
"I thought you had recently succeeded to a fortune, sir? but that, I
suppose, was only another of your false and unfounded assertions. Do you
know me, sir?"
"No--except that you are the most insulting scoundrel I ever met, and
that I wish you were worth powder and shot."
"Let that pass, sir," continued the stranger, with a bitter smile. "Did
you ever hear of Captain Smith, sir?"
"Of twenty, sir. I know fifteen Captain Smiths most intimately."
"But I happen to be one of the five unhonoured by your acquaintance. You
are acquainted with Mrs Smith; sir?"
"I'm acquainted with three-and-twenty, sir. What then?"
"I was in hopes, that the recollection of Oakside would have induced you
to treat her name with more respect."
Chatterton's brow grew dark with rage. "So, then," he said, lifting his
hat with even more pride and coldness than his adversary--"so, then,
you're the Captain Smith I have heard of, and it was no false report? I
am delighted, sir, to see you here, and to know that you are a
gentleman, that I may, without degradation to her Majesty's commission,
put a bullet or two into your body. Your insulting conduct deserves
chastisement, sir, and it shall have it."
"With all my heart," replied Captain Smith; the pleasure of calling you
to account was the object of my visit. I accept your challenge--only
wondering that you have spirit and honour enough left to resent an
intentional affront. Can we meet to-night?"
"Certainly. I shall send a friend to you in half an hour. He is gone on
a similar message to another person already; and I will let you know at
what hour I shall be disengaged."
"Agreed," said Captain Smith; and the enemies, after a deep and formal
bow on either side, pursued their way in different directions.