It is indeed a very great misery to live on in this evil world where our
enemies are ever at our gate, and where we can neither eat nor sleep in
peace, but are compelled to have our armour on night and day. There is
no rest here, nor happiness, nor will be till we are with the
Everlastingly Blessed. As I write I am seized with terror, lest I should
never escape this sinful life. Pray for me, my daughters, that Christ
may ever live in me: for, otherwise, what security can there be for such
as I am, who have been so wicked. You may sometimes have thought, my
daughters, that those to whom the Lord particularly communicates Himself,
will be henceforth secure of enjoying Him for ever, and that they will
have no need to fear or bewail their former sins. But this is a great
mistake. Sorrow for sin increases in proportion as more and more grace
is received from God. And I, for my part, believe, that this bitter
sorrow will never leave us till we come where neither sin nor anything
else will ever disquiet us. True, both past sin, and present sinfulness,
affect us more at one time than at another; and, likewise, in a different
manner. I know one who often wishes for death, that she may be freed
from the torment of her sinful heart. No one's sins can equal hers,
because there can be no one who has obtained such favours of her God. Her
fear is not so much of hell, as that she should so grieve God's Holy
Spirit, that He will be wearied out, and will forsake her, and leave her
in her sins. This fear and pain is not at all eased by believing that
her past sins have all been forgiven and forgotten of God. Nay, her fear
and pain but increase by seeing such mercy extended toward a woman who
deserves nothing but hell.