"16, Abingdon Street, Westminster, Jan. 1804.
My dear friend,
Some divines hold, that with God to think, and to create, are one and the
same act. If to think, and even to compose had been the same as to write
with me, I should have written as much too much as I have written too
little. The whole truth of the matter is, that I have been very, very
ill. Your letter remained four days unread, I was so ill. What effect it
had upon me I cannot express by words. It lay under my pillow day after
day. I should have written forty times, but as it often and often happens
with me, my heart was too full, and I had so much to say that I said
nothing. I never received a delight that lasted longer upon me--'Brooded
on my mind and made it pregnant,' than (from) the six last sentences of
your last letter,--which I cannot apologize for not having answered, for
I should be casting calumnies against myself; for the last six or seven
weeks, I have both thought and felt more concerning you, and relating to
you, than of all other men put together.
Somehow or other, whatever plan I determined to adopt, my fancy,
good-natured pander of our wishes, always linked you on to it; or I made
it your plan, and linked myself on. I left my home, December 20, 1803,
intending to stay a day and a half at Grasmere, and then to walk to
Kendal, whither I had sent all my clothes and viatica; from thence to go
to London, and to see whether or no I could arrange my pecuniary matters,
so as leaving Mrs. Coleridge all that was necessary to her comforts, to
go myself to Madeira, having a persuasion, strong as the life within me,
that one winter spent in a really warm, genial climate, would completely
restore me. Wordsworth had, as I may truly say, forced on me a hundred
pounds, in the event of my going to Madeira; and Stewart had kindly
offered to befriend me. During the days and affrightful nights of my
disease, when my limbs were swollen, and my stomach refused to retain the
food--taken in in sorrow, then I looked with pleasure on the scheme: but
as soon as dry frosty weather came, or the rains and damps passed off,
and I was filled with elastic health, from crown to sole, then the
thought of the weight of pecuniary obligation from so many people
reconciled me; but I have broken off my story.
I stayed at Grasmere (Mr. Wordsworth's) a month; three fourths of the
time bed-ridden;--and deeply do I feel the enthusiastic kindness of
Wordsworth's wife and sister, who sat up by me, one or the other, in
order to awaken me at the first symptoms of distressful feeling; and even
when they went to rest, continued often and often to weep and watch for
me even in their dreams. I left them January the 14th, and have spent a
very pleasant week at Dr. Crompton's, at Liverpool, and arrived in
London, at Poole's lodgings, last night at eight o'clock.
Though my right hand is so much swollen that I can scarcely keep my pen
steady between my thumb and finger, yet my stomach is easy, and my
breathing comfortable, and I am eager to hope all good things of my
health. That gained, I have a cheering, and I trust prideless confidence
that I shall make an active, and perseverant use of the faculties and
requirements that have been entrusted to my keeping, and a fair trial of
their height, depth, and width.[108] Indeed I look back on the last four
months with honest pride, seeing how much I have done, with what steady
attachment of mind to the same subject, and under what vexations and
sorrows, from without, and amid what incessant sufferings. So much of
myself. When I know more, I will tell you more.
I find you are still at Cote-house. Poole tells me you talk of Jamaica as
a summer excursion. If it were not for the voyage, I would that you would
go to Madeira, for from the hour I get on board the vessel, to the time
that I once more feel England beneath my feet, I am as certain as past
and present experience can make me, that I shall be in health, in high
health; and then I am sure, not only that I should be a comfort to you,
but that I should be so without diminution of my activity, or
professional usefulness. Briefly, dear Wedgewood! I truly and at heart
love you, and of course it must add to my deeper and moral happiness to
be with you, if I can be either assistance or alleviation. If I find
myself so well that I defer my Madeira plan, I shall then go forthwith to
Devonshire to see my aged mother, once more before she dies, and stay two
or three months with my brothers.[109] But, wherever I am, I never suffer
a day, (except when I am travelling) to pass without doing something.
Poole made me promise that I would leave one side for him. God bless him!
He looks so worshipful in his office, among his clerks, that it would
give you a few minutes' good spirits to look in upon him. Pray you as
soon as you can command your pen, give me half a score lines, and now
that I am _loose,_ say whether or no I can be any good to you.