my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I was quite overcome,
neither able to fight nor fly, when the Lord passed by me, and made
this time a time of love. Towards the beginning of _February 1698_,
this seasonable relief came. I was then, as I remember, at secret
prayer, when he discovered himself to me, when he let me see, that
there are _forgivenesses with him, and mercy, and plenteous redemption.
He made all his goodness to pass, and he proclaimed his name, the Lord,
the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in
goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity,
transgression and sin; who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious,
and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy._ This was a strange
sight to one who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, which I
could not see and live. He brought me from _Sinai_, and its thundrings,
to mount _Sion_, and to _the blood which speaketh better things than
that of Abel_. I now with wonder beheld Christ in his glory, _full
of grace and truth_. I saw that he, who had before rejected all my
offerings, was well pleased in the Beloved, being fully satisfied,
not only that there is forgiveness of sins, through the redemption
which is in Jesus; but also, that God by this means might be _just_
in _justifying_ even _the ungodly that believe in him_. How was I
ravished with delight, to see that such mercy might consist even with
his inflexible justice and spotless purity? And yet more, when he let
me see, that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation sent;
that even I was invited to _come_, and _take the water of life freely_!
Farther, he discovered to me his design in the whole, even _that no
flesh might glory in his sight_: that he might manifest the riches of
his grace, and _be exalted in shewing mercy_. And when this strange
discovery was made, of a relief which made full provision both for
God’s glory and my salvation, my soul was sweetly carried out to rest
in it, as worthy of God, and every way suited to my necessity.
2. All these discoveries were conveyed to me by his word: not indeed
by one particular passage, but by the concurring light of many of its
testimonies and promises, seasonably set home, and plainly expressing
those truths; thus I found it to be the power of God unto salvation.
But neither was it his word alone; for the same passages I had read
before, and thought upon, without any relief; but now the Lord shined
into my mind by them. Before this I knew the letter only, but now the
words were spirit and life; a burning light by them shone into my mind,
and gave me not merely some notional knowledge, but an experimental
_knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ_. *And
vastly different this was from all the notions I had before of the
same truths. It shone from heaven: it was not a spark kindled by my
own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me: it came by a heavenly
means, the word; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things; and
its whole tendency was heavenward. It was a true light, giving true
manifestations of the one God, and the one Mediator between God and
man, and a true view of my state with respect to God, not according
to my foolish imaginations. It was a distinct and clear light, not
only representing spiritual things, but manifesting them in their
glory, and in their comely order. It set all things in their due line
of subordination to God, and gave distinct views of their genuine
tendency. It was a satisfying light; the soul absolutely rested upon
the discoveries it made: it was assured of them; it could not doubt
if it saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. It was a
quickening, refreshing, healing light. It arose with healing in its
wings. It was a powerful light; it dissipated that thick darkness
which overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations,
that before tormented me, instantly flee before it. Lastly, It was a
composing light; it did not, like a flash of lightning, fill the soul
with fear and amazement; but it quieted my mind, and gave me the full
and free use of all my faculties. I need not give a large account of
this light, for no words can give a notion of light to the blind; and
he that has eyes, (at least, while he sees it) will need no words to
describe it. Proceed we, then, to its fruits, whereby the difference
of it from all my former light will most evidently appear.
3. The first effect of it was an approbation of God’s way of saving
sinners by Jesus Christ; as a way of relief in all respects suitable to
the needs of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed sinner, who
is at length beat from all other reliefs, and hath his mouth entirely
stopped before God. In this I rested as a way full of peace and comfort,
and providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured.
And this approbation discovered itself ever after in all temptations,
by keeping up in me a settled persuasion, that _God hath given to us
eternal life, and this life is in his Son_. And when afterwards I was
under temptations, it still kept me firm in an absolute determination
utterly to reject all other ways of relief, whether I found present
comfort in this or no. This was also my only sanctuary against guilt;
_let me be found in him, not having mine own righteousness_. And
whenever God gave me a fresh beam of this light, all difficulties
vanish’d away; then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing was able
to disturb me while it lasted; and ever after I was then only pleased,
when I found my soul, in some measure, moulded into a compliance with
the design of the gospel, emptied of myself, subjected to God, and
careful to have him alone exalted.
4. A second effect of this discovery was, my eye began to be single,
looking in all things, to the glory of God. I now desired that he
alone, (which before I had no real concern for) might be glorified
in my life, or by my death. I saw that shame and confusion belonged
to me and to him only the whole glory of my salvation. I watched over
the most secret ♦actings of pride, labouring to renounce it utterly,
looking on it as my grand enemy, on which I was always to have an eye,
and counting the power it still had, my greatest affliction. I never
found comfort, but when this idol was discernably abased; and when ever
this light shone in proportion to its clearness and continuance, the
power of this was weakened in my soul, and I sought not myself but
Christ Jesus.
♦ “actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
5. A third effect of this light was with respect to his commandments,
which I now saw were _not grievous, but right concerning all things_. I
own’d his yoke to be easy, and his burden light. Amidst all temptations
I knew the law was holy, just and good; I perceived too, that it was
exceeding broad, extending even to the lightest motion of the heart.
The duties I was most averse from before were now easy, pleasant, and
refreshing. I saw a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that
crossed the sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper. None were
so hateful to me; for none did I loathe myself so much; none was I so
glad of a victory over. My mind was continually engaged in contrivances
for their ruin, which formerly, I still sought to spare. And would God
have given me my choice, to have the laws against them blotted out,
he knows I should not have chose it, and that I should have thought his
law less pleasant and less perfect, had these prohibitions been wanting.
I took pleasure in others only so far as there appeared in them any
thing of an humble, self-denying conformity to his law, and had a
fix’d dislike of the least inconformity thereto, either in myself or
others. In a word I saw, that if I could reach holiness I should have
pleasure, and peace, and liberty; that all wisdom’s ways, were ways of
pleasantness; nor was any thing insupportable to me, but that remaining
unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under her
yoke.
*6. A fourth effect of it was a right sorrow for sin, flowing from a
deep sense of my ingratitude, to provoke such a God, who had prevented
and still followed me with so much mercy. And this sorrow filled my
heart with love to God, and his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared
God to it. And the more God manifested his kindness, the more it
increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded; nor was
it a burdensome, but a sweet and pleasant sorrow, as being the exercise
of filial gratitude. This sense of my unkindness, when kept within,
covered me with blushes; and I was eased, when God allowed me to vent
my sense of it, and to pour it, as it were into his bosom. It was
likewise a spring of activity in the way of duty. I was glad to be
employed in the meanest work, which might shew how deeply sensible I
was of my former disobedience. It was not as my late sorrow, pregnant
with pride, stiffness and unwillingness to suffer any chastisement;
but it humbled, softened the soul, and made it willing to _bear the
indignation of the Lord, since I had sinn’d against him_. In a word, I
was glad when God gave me my measure of it, and grieved when I found it
wanting, and I cried to the Prince exalted for it, as a necessary help
to the obeying his whole law.
7. A fifth effect of this light, was a comfortable hope of salvation,
rising in strength, or growing more weak, as the discoveries of the
way of salvation, were more or less clear and strong. I knew I could
not fail of salvation, otherwise than by missing this way. Sometimes I
doubted of myself, but not of the way; so far as I walked in it, I was
sweetly satisfied that my expectation should not be cut off. And as
this light shewed salvation in a way of self-denial, and trust only in
the Lord, nothing so shook this hope, as the least stirring of pride.
As this sight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with shame, so
the deeper my humiliation the stronger was my confidence. And so far
was this assurance from begetting negligence, that it could not consist
with it. To intermit or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or at least,
laid an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress.
8. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt
a new and formerly unknown, love to all who seemed to have any thing
of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced
itself in prayer for them, and sympathy with them in their afflictions.
Again, I found my care of all God’s concerns enlarged, and I desired
more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at
any loss his interest sustained, and zealous for his glory. To conclude,
I found this light sweetly drawing me to a willing, chearful endeavour
after holiness in all manner of conversation. Thus were all things in
some measure become new; and I who a little before, with the goaler,
had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and set down to feast with
the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.
PART III.
CHAPTER I.
_Of the pleasure of this state; the mistakes attending it,
and the way of their discovery._
1. THIS glorious discovery was very surprising: oft I stood and
wonder’d what this strange sight meant. The greatness of the things
God ♦had done surpassed belief; and yet the effects would not suffer
me to doubt of them. Not that I distinctly observed them at the very
first; the glory of the Lord was then so great, that for a time I fixed
my eyes on that, and was less intent on the change which it wrought
in me. Again, I was the less exact in observing them then, because of
the darkness still remaining in me. I clearly saw the mystery of free
justification through Christ, and peace by his blood: but I was still
sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to
that mystery: as the daily application of that atonement, and the use
of Christ with respect to sanctification, What therefore God did at
this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further
instructed me in the gospel, as my exigencies required: then, at length,
I saw distinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.
♦ “hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
2. This discovery could not but be full of ravishing sweetness,
considering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and
my own conscience, and under pressing fears of a present execution of
the sentence. When the labours of the day required that I should sleep,
and my body wasted with the disquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to
close my eyes lest I should wake in hell, and durst not suffer myself
to sleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange,
that the hopes of pardon were sweet to one in such a condition, whereby
I laid down in safety and quiet rest, while there was none to make me
afraid? A little before, the _waters compassed me about, even to the
soul! the deep closed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of
the mountains, and said, I am cast out of_ God’s _sight_. Now, was
it any wonder that such an one should rejoice, when brought into a
garden of delights and set down under the refreshing rays of the sun
of righteousness? And the things he discovered to me here were not only
altogether new and such as I was utterly unacquainted with before; but
also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that shone
round about me; and I saw such _things as eye hath not seen, beside
thee, O_ God. In a word, what I saw was (what the angels desire to look
into) _the mystery of godliness_, the wonders of God’s law, and the
_unsearchable riches of his mercy_.
3. This discovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any
I have had since: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite
gone for a long time after; and while it lasted, new discoveries were
daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this short
space taught me more than I had learned by all my study in my whole
life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another,
and quite different manner. Every day he instructed me out of the
scriptures, walking and talking with me by the way, and opening them to
me, which before was as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark.
Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about spiritual
things; and whatever occur’d in reading, meditation, converse, or daily
observation, it (like a mold) cast into its own shape. All this while
I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not as
formerly, a burthen; but my heart was enlarged, so that I ran in the
ways of God’s ordinances and commandments. And herein my soul often
made me like _the chariots of Aminadab_, not easily to be stopped;
sometimes to the disgust of these who did not taste the same ravishing
sweetness which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by
keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and self-denied
all this while: seeing him I loathed myself. Beholding his glory I was
_in my own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing, and
vanity. I gloried only in the_ Lord, _rejoiced in_ Christ Jesus, _and
had no confidence in the flesh_.
4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded,
and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in
oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from
disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged
into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to
be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea,
though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight
of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep
condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my
death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound
of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in
order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl;
and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both
what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a
wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I entered
into it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay
in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in
heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.
5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last
always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to
come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again.
I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I
expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies,
which appeared not were dead, and that the “_Egyptians_ were all
drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such
a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our
circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of.
I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to
be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to
grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other
refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the
other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could
easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great
a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my
due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock
I already had as sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties;
and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in
the Lord’s hand.
6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh
to humble me, and a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, who soon
made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep
perplexity; I began to question the truth of former manifestations, to
doubt of my own perseverance; yea, sometimes to quarrel secretly with
God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways, to escape; I thought
upon God; I complained to him; I sought for the causes of my affliction;
_I essay’d to shake myself, and to go forth_ to duty _as before_; but
alas! the Lord was departed from me; and the enemy, _which lay in my
bosom_, had _discovered my secret, and shorn me of my strength_.
7. Yet I could not but see, when I recovered myself a little, after
the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at
my worst case, than formerly at my best. God frequently shewed me
something of his power and glory; he open’d a scripture, and made my
heart burn within me, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in
my heart; or let me see my desire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave
me access unto him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out
my heart before him. And when at the lowest, I was otherwise affected
to Christ than before; my soul still longed after him; I essay’d to
stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would
impower me to lay hold of him. I refused to go any where else, but
resolved to wait on him, and to trust in him, even though he should
slay me. And as to his law, though I could not run in it, my will was
still toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myself; I breathed
after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man.
And as to sin, though I was sometimes driven to it, this was just such
a forced consent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my
heart was not with it as before; I found another sort of opposition
to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I was the more enraged against
it. Lastly, This coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily,
_When wilt thou receive me_? I loathed myself for it; I could not rest
in it; I wearied myself with essaying to break my prison: I looked back
to former seasons, and said, _O that it were with me as in months past_!
CHAPTER II.
_Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the
cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial._
1. FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the
security into which I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet
upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I
objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with
them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that
they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I
laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not
sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin
lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me
upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself
lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and
worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected
some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and
inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was
sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease
me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and
desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not
quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, for _grace to help in
time of need_.
2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from
giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations,
yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard
prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened me to
appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement,
vigorously to oppose all my enemies.
3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by
these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers;
that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace
already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace;
that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able
to judge;¹ that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom
from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in
the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath
appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my
cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were
those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with
them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried
against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness
that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied
relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times
seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to
compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.
¹ See the preface.
4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions
did sometimes bear me down to relapses, both into omissions of duties,
and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light,
love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I
was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded
exceedingly.
5. At some times, indeed, I was for a while _hardened by the
deceitfulness of sin_, and senseless; at other times my heart
instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up
to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in
order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so
remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by
his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that
I had done.
6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his
anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God
graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant
discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former
kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence.
*And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time
to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then
laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of
the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that
I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sins
have such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yet _the
blood of_ Christ _cleanseth from all sin_, and he came to save the
chief of sinners.
*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him
in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and
patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first.
He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to
original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me
self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would
be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of _the
fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness_. He drew my soul to close
with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look
drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted
into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before
closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce
believe the news, _he created peace by the fruit of his lips_, and as
it were forced it upon my soul, and _shed abroad his love in my heart_.
8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this
work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment.
2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God
surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thought in the least
what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly.
And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the
deepest loathing of my ♦sin, and the highest wonder at the riches,
freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.
♦ “soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these
impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times,
my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far
clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences,
the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly,
That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I
was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at
them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have
been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask
of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are ♦with
difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.
♦ inserted word “with” per Errata
*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt
forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins
of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct
account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him:
they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness
of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up
Satan, and kept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It
was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous
sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of
sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly
deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged,
neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the
case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of
♦atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first
essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions.
But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to
go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin,
and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable
evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement,
and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which
cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe,
that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’
variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never
in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer,
brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly.
He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and
night: but light more or less, there is always.
♦ “attonement” replaced with “atonement”
10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds
slightly; but it is God’s prerogative to speak solid peace. 2. That
considering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not easy to win a
sinner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to
answer all necessities. And when the soul is in some measure satisfied
with this and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is
not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of sin, or a due sense of
that boundless mercy. *Yea, here lies one of the greatest secrets of
practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with
God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this
discovery of forgiveness, as if it were only to be had once, and no
more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtless, we ought to value
it; whereas on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts
turn formal, and count it a common thing. I observe, ♦3. That the joy
of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and
circumspectly: being inconsistent not only with any gross sin, but with
any remissness of behaviour. And, lastly, That when I was at the lowest
ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulness. If you ask, What
I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: “What a mercy
is it I am out of hell! Blessed be the Lord for this.” Again: “What
a mercy is it, that he hath given me to see, and thank him for that
mercy! Blessed be the Lord for this likewise.” And thus I have gone on,
till he hath led me to a sense of his love, and restored comfort to my
soul.
♦ “5.” replaced with “3.”
♦CHAPTER III.
♦ “PART” replaced with “CHAPTER”
_A more particular account of his preceding doubts, concerning
the being of God, and deliverance from them._
1. I BEFORE mentioned the trials I had about the being of a God, almost
as soon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no
arguments, urged against it: only seeing this was the hinge on which
all religion turned, I found myself at a loss for evidence so clear and
strong, and convincing, as I thought necessary, with respect to a truth,
whereon so much weight was to be laid. I said, “Very great things are
demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before,
I trust so far, I would know more of that God, in whom I am to trust.”
2. But afterwards, when I was more estrang’d from God, and intent upon
abstract subtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and said daily,
“Where is now thy God?” He then triumph’d, “Where is now that mouth,
with which thou hast so often reproached Atheists?” These are the
arguments they have; come forth then, try thy strength, and fight them.
3. Hereupon a sharp conflict began, in which I used various ways.
Sometimes I rejected his suggestions, and refused them a hearing.
Sometimes I tried to answer his arguments; but the longer I stood
arguing the case, I was always at the greater loss. Then I would wish
for a discovery of God himself; _O that I knew where I might find him_!
Whence the enemy failed not to infer, “If there was a God he would help
one, who was thus standing up for him, in such a strait.” Sometimes I
prayed, and though Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying
till I was sure there was a God; yet I always thought, “If there be one,
he can best satisfy me as to his own being.”
4. And he did satisfy me in part. 1. By clear discoveries of the
tendency of these temptations, _viz._ To cast reproach on all the
best and wisest of men, and to destroy the foundations of all human
happiness. 2. By some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of
creation. 3. By some beams of light from his word; and more than once,
in particular, by suggesting to my mind, with power, that answer of
the three children, _O |Nebuchadnezzar|, we are not careful to answer
thee in this matter. If it be so, our |God|, whom we serve, is able to
deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out
of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will
not serve thy God, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up._
5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a discovery of God
could give a full defeat to Satan. But considering I was then an
unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an
enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus seen
his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered sin
to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having
humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.
*6. This it was which gave me full satisfaction, while God commanded
this light to shine on my mind, I could not desire a clearer proof
of his being; all his enemies fled before it: all the mountains of
opposition shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the
midst of the sea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth.
I had, 1. The evidence of sight: by the eye of faith I saw the glory
of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre:
it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner,
nothing else was real. This sight gave me more consistent, becoming
notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before,
and so shook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely
from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear; I
heard him speak, and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from
the voice of any creature. He first spoke terror to me from _Sinai_;
and when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said unto it, “Peace,
be still, and there was a great calm.” His words had light and power
peculiar to God with them, both when he spoke for me and against me:
they made me taste and see that the Lord is good, and that _blessed
is he that trusteth in him_. All my objections were solv’d. As to
the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, at the time that he
condescended to shew me his back-parts, he satisfied me, _that no man
can behold his face_. He gave me a view of his incomprehensibility,
which silenced all those suggestions. And as to the seeming disorders
in his government, a plain answer was, _He giveth account to none; his
way is in the sea; his paths in the great waters, and his footsteps are
not known_.
CHAPTER ♦IV.
♦ “II” replaced with “IV”
_A more ♦particular account of his preceding doubts concerning
the holy scriptures, and deliverance from them._
♦ “particlar” replaced with “particular”
1. THIS temptation, as observed before, did not attack me so soon as
the former; but it was managed in much the same way. Sometimes my mind
only hung in suspence, for want of a sufficient evidence. Sometimes I
was strangely harrassed with multiplied objections, either by the books
I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I conversed, or by Satan,
whose suggestions were far the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.
2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections
were equally destructive of all religion, and were far more numerous,
more plausible, and entertained by persons of a fairer character.
Besides, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an
unenlightened mind.
3. I tried many ways to escape; besides prayer, and attending public
ordinances, I read many books writ in defence of the scriptures. And
this wanted not its use; I got a rational conviction of the truth,
and so was emboldened to plead for it against his enemies; and I found
answers to many particular objections, which encouraged me to wait for
full satisfaction. But that I found not yet: this being but the wisdom
of men, had not power to silence temptations, to enlighten me to see
the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an
indisposed soul.
4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word
fastened a sense of guilt on my soul: though this rather extorted an
assent than induced to a chearful acquiescing therein, as coming from
God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations,
which revived and comforted a soul bowed down before, I instantly
closed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had
found a hid treasure; I was sweetly satisfied, that it came from him;
and that by many evidences: for,
_First_, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke
in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know,
which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart
were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of
a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all
that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”
_Secondly_, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the
holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul,
and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let
in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and
his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he
conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting,
composing influences, and let me see the other _wonders of his law;
excellent things in counsel and knowledge_. By this he was pleased to
reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies;
his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in
many of his public administrations.
*_Thirdly_, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by
his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he
evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the
wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight;
it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to.
When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences
availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted,
condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it.
The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not
again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into
the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my
soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.
5. And ♦whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish
the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me
a reply: _The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he
that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff
to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like
a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces?_ Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29.
And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had
stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief,
and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter
which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things,
that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the
proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me
see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for
learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to
meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with
all humility; since _the secret of the Lord is only with those that
fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant_.
♦ “wheareas” replaced with “whereas”
6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful
light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I
found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where
discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed,
and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still
reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to
perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which
I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning
therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration
and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only
wise God.
CHAPTER V.
_Of some other temptations, and his deliverance from them._
1. I BEFORE shewed that when I was in doubt about the holy scriptures,
the devil often suggested to me, “how can you expect satisfaction in
these things, when men of so much greater abilities have sought it in
vain?” And this suggestion was often so violently urged, that I had no
spirit left in me.
2. But when God discovered himself to me in his own light, the force of
this temptation was utterly broken; though I had not a particular sight
of the weakness of it till I read (some time after) the three first
chapters of the first epistle to the _Corinthians_: the substance of
what God then shewed me was,
_First_, That his great design in the method of salvation he had chosen,
was to stain the pride of all human glory, _that no flesh might glory
in his sight, but he that glorieth might glory in the_ Lord. _Secondly_,
That a vain ambition to be wise above what God allowed, was the spring
and chief part of our apostacy from God; and still _vain man would be
wise; the Jews ask a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom_. _Thirdly_,
That in order to the attainment of the foregoing design, and to the
recovery of man from his apostacy it was plainly necessary, that
his ambition, being a flat opposition to his design, and a principal
part of his corruption, should be removed. It was requisite, That
God should _destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nought the
understanding of the prudent_. _Fourthly_, God to vindicate his own
wisdom, reproached by this vain ambition of man, to fix an eternal
blot on human wisdom, and to discover his holy severity in punishing
this ambition, with the other wickednesses of vain man, suffered, _for
many ages, all nations to walk in their own ways_, and to try whether
they were better than God’s ways; whether they could supply the
defects which they fondly imagined God had made them with, or relieve
themselves from the misery of their apostacy, and the event answered
the design of his wisdom and justice, and the desert of them who
made the attempt. For after the fruitless endeavours of four thousand
years, _The world by wisdom knew not God_. They missed the mark, _their
foolish hearts were darkened; seeking to be wise, they became fools_;
instead of getting their eyes opened to see more than God allowed,
they could see nothing but their own nakedness; and so imperfect were
their discoveries even of that, they imagined fig-leaves would cover
it. _Fifthly_, after they had spent the time allotted for shewing the
vanity of their own wisdom; God, in the depth of his compassion stepped
in to their relief; and in order thereto, was pleased to pitch upon
a way quite opposite to all wisdom of foolish man. He chose not _the
enticing words of man’s wisdom_, or eloquence; it was not suitable to
the truth of God, to use that mean art, whereby the judgments of men
are led blindfold in subjection to their passions. He made no choice of
artificial reasonings, the other eye of human wisdom. It did not become
the majesty of God to dispute men into a compliance with his will. And
although he wrought signs to awaken the attention of a drowsy world,
to gain respect to his ambassadors, to strengthen the faith of weak
believers, and to cut off every plea from unbelief: yet he chose not
them chiefly to convert and recover the world, being unwilling so to
derrogate from his word, as if the word of God were not, upon its own
evidence, worthy the acceptation of all rational creatures. _Sixthly_,
God having rejected all these, made use of the _foolishness of
preaching_: that is, a plain declaration of his will in his name, _in
the demonstration of the spirit and power_, by men commissioned by him
for that purpose. Now this was a means every way worthy of God. Man had
believed the devil rather than God; the devil seemed to have gained a
great advantage, by persuading man in his integrity to credit him and
discredit God. God now cast back the shame on him, by engaging fallen
man to renounce the devil, and give up Satan and all that adher’d
to him. And further to manifest his design, as he made use of the
foolishness of preaching, so he chose for his ambassadors, not the
learned disputers of the world, but foolish, weak, illiterate men,
that by things which in appearance _are not, he might bring to nought
those that are_. _Lastly_, To lay man lower yet, that _the Lord alone
might be exalted_, he chose not for his people such as the world would
have thought stood fairest for mercy; but he chose, for the general,
the most miserable and contemptible of mankind; _Not many wise, not
many noble, not many mighty are called; but God hath chosen the foolish
things of this world to confound the wise_.
*3. Hence God shewed me, that it was to be expected, and was indeed
inevitable, that a great opposition, should be every where made to
his gospel; that this opposition would principally be by pretenders
to wisdom, and learned men; that their objections must be against
all the concernments of the gospel, the matter, manner, means of it;
all being opposite to their expectation, and that therefore it was
no wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at the preaching,
some at the preachers; that it was to be expected their objections
would be specious, as being suited to the wisdom of men, the natural
apprehension of all who were not brought to a compliance with the grand
design of God. _Lastly_, That it was impossible for any man, who was
not brought to be a fool in his own eyes, to be wise in the things
of God, or to discern and approve of the conduct of God in this whole
matter.
4. Upon this discovery I was fully satisfied, that the opposition of
learned men, and their unsuccessfulness in their enquiries, was so far
from being a just prejudice to, that it was a strong confirmation of
the truths of religion; and on the other hand, that though they were,
in the wisdom of God, hid from the wise and prudent, yet babes might
have a clear discovery thereof, because it had pleased the father to
reveal these things to them.
5. Another common objection, which had made, at some times, a
considerable impression upon my mind, was, that the scriptures are
contrary to reason. I shall just point at the springs of my relief.
_First_, I was long before fixed in a deep, rational conviction of
the shortness of human knowledge, and that there was no truth which we
receive, whether upon the evidence of metaphysical, mathematical, or
moral principles, or even on the evidence of our senses, against which
there lay not insoluble objections. Yet no man questioned those truths;
nor though we endeavoured it ever so much, could we doubt of many
of them. And as this was one of the most considerable fruits of my
studies in philosophy, so it was of use to me many ways; it made me see
through the vanity of that pretence against the truths revealed by God,
that there lie unanswerable objections against them. This I plainly
saw ought not to shake my assent, if I found sufficient evidence for
them; especially as I was convinced, ’twas reasonable to expect more
inextricable difficulties about truths supernaturally revealed than
others, since they lie farther out of our reach. Therefore, when any
such occurred, I was led rather to suspect my own ignorance than the
truths of God.
*_Secondly_, God had before fixed in me the faith of his
incomprehensibility, and fully convinced me, that I could not know him
to perfection. He let me see, that _his ways are not our ways_, so that
I durst not any more attempt to measure him, or his ways, by my short
line, but in all things I relied in the resolution of his word. _To
the law and to the testimony_ I brought all, and where that clearly
interposed, my soul was now taught fully to acquiesce in, and stand to
its determination.
_Thirdly_, When the enemy strongly attacked any particular truth, and I
could not instantly solve his objections, I was much relieved by a view
of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all running the same way.
And when by consulting interpreters, especially critics, I was darkened
rather than cleared, I had recourse to the scope of the words, and the
plain meaning that first occurred, with an humble dependance on God for
his light.
*_Fourthly_, If for a time, by the subtle perversion of some scriptures,
I could not find the true meaning of them, the analogy of faith staid
my mind, till I could recover those particular passages out of the
enemy’s hand. When God manifested himself to me, he gave me a view of
his whole design in the revelation he had made of himself, and of the
harmonious consent and concurrence of all the doctrines of the gospel,
in promoting that design. He shewed me likewise, how the end and the
means were so closely linked together, that one of these truths could
not be overturned, but all the rest would follow. Whenever therefore
any of them was controverted, its connexion with the other truths,
uniformly and plainly attested by the current of scripture, presented
itself; and my mind was satisfied, this could not fall without they
all fell together. This I take to be the analogy of faith, and herein
I often took sanctuary.
6. I before mentioned what a continual bondage I was long in, through
fear of death; I shall now give some account of my relief from this
also.
_First_, The Lord’s mercy manifested in Christ freed me from this
spirit of bondage, and gave me a taste of the liberty of the sons of
God. He in great measure removed the grounds whereon I most feared it,
_viz._ Sin the sting of death, and want of evidence about the reality
of future things.
_Secondly_, Whereas there still continued some fear upon a near
prospect of it, I was much relieved by God’s promise, that we should
_not be tempted above what we are able to bear_, especially when I
recollected my former experience. I remember one day in particular,
I was opprest with fear of death, when God mercifully suggested to me,
“Hast thou not shrunk under the remote prospect of other trials, and
yet been carried through them? Why shouldst thou distrust him as to
future trials, who hath so often helped thee in time of need?” I then
considered, it is no way proper that God should give his grace before
our trial comes: but rather that he should keep us humble and dependent
by reserving it in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his wisdom,
as to the measure and time of performing his own promises. And I have
ever since rested in this faith, that _the Lord is a God of judgment,
and that blessed are all they who wait on him_; not doubting either
his faithfulness as to the accomplishment of his promises, or judgment
as to the right timing and measuring them, in proportion to our
necessities. Hereupon I rest to this day; I dare not say I am ready
to die; I dare not say I have faith or grace sufficient to carry me
through death; I dare not say I have no fear of death: but this I say,
there is sufficient grace laid up for me in the promise; there is a
throne of grace to have recourse to; and there is a God of judgment,
who will not with-hold it, when it is really the time of need.
PART IV.
CHAPTER I.
_Of his entrance upon the ministry, and behaviour at |Ceres|._
1. WHEN I was under the violent strugglings before-mentioned, I had
laid aside all thoughts of the ministry; for I could not entertain a
thought of preaching to others what I did not believe myself. But now
the scene being changed, I was, after long deliberation and fervent
prayer, determined to comply with my mother’s desire (who had devoted
me from my childhood to this work) with the advice of my most pious
friends, the importunity of many others, and the motions of my own
heart. For I had a lively sense of the strong obligation laid upon me,
to lay out myself in the service of my good master, and I thought the
nearer my employment related to him, the happier it would be.
2. Accordingly on _May 1, 1700_, I entered into holy orders, and
_May 5_, began my ministry at _Ceres_. From this time he prepared
his ♦sermons with much secret prayer, for a blessing thereon, both to
himself and his hearers. His practice also was, exactly to review and
remark his behaviour in public duties; what assistance and enlargement
of heart he obtained, and what concern for the souls of his hearers.
When he fell short, it was matter of humiliation to him; when he was
assisted, of greater gratitude and watchfulness.
♦ “ser-sermons” replaced with “sermons”
3. Knowing he was to watch over souls, as one that must give account,
he had the weight of this charge much upon his spirit: he therefore
laboured to know the state of the souls of his flock, that he might
be able to guide them according to their particular cases. In order
thereto he was diligent in visiting all the families within his
parish, in instructing his people by catechizing, and in marking
their proficiency in the knowledge of the gospel. Especially, before
administring the Lord’s supper, he conversed severally with those who
desired to partake thereof, to try what sense they had of real religion;
what influence the word of God had had upon them: and what fruits
of it were in their hearts and lives, that he might deal with their
consciences accordingly.
4. Take an instance of this in his own words: _July 8, 1703_. “I have
now spent about a month in converse with my people, and I observe the
few following things:”
*_First_, “That of three or four hundred persons there were not above
forty who had not at one time or other been more or less awakened,
though with far the greater part it came to no length. Whence it is
plain, that God leaves not himself without witness, even in the bosom
of his enemies, but sooner or later so far touches the hearts of all
men, as will dreadfully enhance the guilt of those, who put out the
light, and quench his Spirit.”
*_Secondly_, “That some of those whom it has pleased God to awaken
by my ministry, promise more than flowers, even fruit: and that most
acknowledge, that the word comes nearer them daily, which makes me
ashamed of my own negligence, and astonished at the goodness of God,
who blesses my weak labours notwithstanding.”
_Thirdly_, “That though God may make use of the words of man, in
letting us into the meaning of the scriptures, yet ’tis ordinarily the
very scripture-word whereby he conveys any comfort or advantage.”
5. Hearing about this time of some who ♦were much swayed by good people,
in dark steps of their ministerial work, I was satisfied in the evident
clearness of the following rules:
♦ duplicate word “were” removed
*_First_, That it is very dangerous to lay much stress on the
apprehensions of the best of people, as to what may be sin or duty in
things that belong not to their station; for the promise of the Spirits,
teachings belongs not to them, as to what may concern a minister’s
station. Therefore, it is safer to desire their prayers, that God would,
according to his promise, discover to us what is our duty, than to
learn them to step out of their stations, and advise in things that
belong not to them.
*_Secondly_, In consulting others for light, great regard should be
had to the different talents of men; in matters of soul-exercise, most
regard should be had to those whom God has fitted with endowments that
way; in matters of government most regard should be had to those whom
he has fitted that way.
_Thirdly_, The holiest men are most likely to know God’s mind; but
to know who are the holiest, we must consider, not only what men’s
behaviour, but what their temptations are. For one in whom less appears
may indeed have more grace, than another who seems to have more; when
the one is continually plunged in floods of temptation, and the other
is free from them.
*Observe, _Fourthly_, That ministers are commonly more shaken about
the truths of religion, than about their own state: but the people,
more about their own state, than about the truths of religion. And
as ministers are assisted to clear the people as to what they are
straitened about; so are the people often enabled to help their
ministers, as to what occasions their uneasiness. Thus they mutually
excel and are excelled, to humble both, and keep both in their stations.
As to the clearing up our duty in doubtful cases, observe, _Lastly_,
That there is ever a bias to one way or the other; that we must seek
to have this removed, and cry to God to bring our hearts to equal
willingness to take either or neither way; that when this is attained,
we must use our best reason, and take the way that appears most proper,
though still crying to him, that he would put a stop to us, if we
be out of the road. If he afforded light in any other particular way
we must use it, still taking care, to seek light soberly, to use it
tenderly, and to be wary in the application of it.
6. _July 2, 1702._ God about this time giving me somewhat of a revival
from a long deadness, I think myself concerned to take notice of
the means by which I obtained this benefit. And, 1. It was signally
promoted by converse with zealous Christians. I found, that _as iron
sharpeneth iron, so doth the countenance of a man his friend_. 2. By
some heavy strokes laid upon me. 3. By terrible providences to the
public. 4. By some papers seasonably brought to my hands, containing
the exercise of some real Christians, wherein I saw how far short I
was of them, and also not a few of the causes of my sadly withered
and decayed state. 5. By some discovery of the vanity ♦of my sweetest
enjoyments. And, Lastly, By God’s leading me to some subjects, which I
chose for others, wherein I found my own case remarkably touched.
♦ duplicate word “of” removed
7. _March 12, 1705._ I was far out of order; “Lord pity and shine upon
me.” At night I was somewhat refreshed in family-worship. In meditation
hereon I saw unbelief was the root of all my misery. I was broken on
account of it; I cried to God for relief, “O manifest thyself to my
soul!” I was much grieved, that at a time when so many strange evils
abound, there should be so strange a stupidity ♦on my spirit, that I
could not mourn for the dishonour done to God. I cried for a spirit of
supplication and repentance.
♦ “of” replaced with “on” per Errata
8. _April 17, 1705._ I was much disordered in body; but about seven at
night I was a little relieved. Yet bowing my knees to prayer I was full
of perplexity; the Lord hid himself, and my spirit was overwhelmed. But
meeting with that scripture, _Having therefore, brethren, boldness to
enter into the holiest by the blood of_ Jesus, _by a new and living way,
which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his
flesh_; I found my mind composed; but, O, that it were with me as in
months past!
9. _February 24, 1706._ Being the Lord’s day, I was sore shaken in the
morning about the truths of God, but came to peace as to what I was
to preach, in three things. “Lord thou hast fully satisfied me,” that
1. All other courses to satisfaction in our great concern, besides that
of the gospel, are utterly vain and unsatisfactory. 2. That supposing
the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary security as to all I can
desire in time or in eternity. And ♦3. That it can be only the wretched
unbelief of my heart that makes me ever hesitate concerning the truth
of it, seeing I have full evidence for it, far beyond what in other
things would absolutely cut off all hesitation. I will look then for
faith to the author of it: Lord I believe! help thou mine unbelief!
Thou hast so fixed me in the belief of these three truths, that no
temptation hath been able to shake me.
♦ “5” replaced with “3”
10. In the spring, 1707. Some of the followers of Mrs. _Bourignon_
coming into his parish, he laboured to guard his people against the
infection of their specious errors. A short account whereof he gives
in the following words:
_April 20, 1707_: This day the Lord directed me to strike at the root
of the prevailing delusion, in opposition to which I taught.
_First_, That true holiness will not admit ♦of leaving out some duties,
whereas the devotees, while they withdraw from the world, omit the
unquestionable duties both of general usefulness among men, and of
diligence in their particular callings.
♦ duplicate word “of” removed
_Secondly_, That holiness consists not in a strict observance of rules
of our own invention, such as most of theirs are.
_Thirdly_, That whatever holiness those profess, who neglect the
ordinances of God, none can reasonably conclude, that they are
influenced by the authority of the Lord Jesus, for the same authority
binds to the one as well as the other.
_Lastly_, That the most effectual inducement to universal obedience, is
a sense that our sins are forgiven us, still kept fresh upon our souls,
and a constant improvement of the blood of Christ by faith.
11. _January 11, 1708._ In the morning I arose greatly indisposed with
a looseness. Before church I was somewhat relieved, but immediately
after sermon, seized with vomiting. Lord, lead me to some suitable
improvement!
*_January 12._ Was a day set apart for examining the state of my
soul; chiefly on these heads. 1. Are daily sins, and sins of infirmity,
searched, observed, weighed, mourned for? And do I exercise faith
distinctly, in order to the pardon of them? 2. Does the impression
of the necessity and excellency of Christ’s blood decay? Are the
experiences of its life and efficacy distinct as before? 3. Am I formal
in worship? In secret, family, public prayer? Desiring blessing on
meat, returning thanks? Meditation and reading? 4. Is there due concern
for the flock? Singleness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayers
for them? &c. 5. Is there sympathy with afflicted saints and churches?
6. Is the voice of the rod heard, calling to deniedness to relations,
even the dearest? Deniedness to the world? To life? Preparation for
death? Spirituality in duty?
12. _October 12, 1709._ Being seized with a violent flux and griping,
yet God kept me submissive, without repining; and brought me to commit
the disposal of all to him, crying for a removal of any aversion to
his will. And as to my ministry, tho’ I felt much remorse for the want
of wrestling with God, for the success of his word among the people,
yet it was refreshing that I durst say in the sight of God, that I was
really concerned to know the truth; that I kept back none which might
be profitable for them: that I preached what I resolved to venture my
soul on, and that I desired to preach home to their consciences.
CHAPTER II.
_Of his marriage, and conduct in his family._
1. WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he
also dearly convinced me, that _a prudent wife is from the Lord_.――I
looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him for direction, with
that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope
he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.
2. The command, _Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers_, was so
strongly imprest on my soul, that no prospect of outward advantage
could have swayed me to chuse one void of the fear of God. But whether
to chuse on the testimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I
could not easily determine.
3. At last inclining to think a personal acquaintance necessary, I
pitched on one who appeared suitable to me; and who falling at that
time under some unusual concern about religion, which she imparted to
me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too
hastily proceeded in the proposal. Yet I never durst pray absolutely
for success, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct:
and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my
design effectually disappointed. Mean while she carried on an intrigue
with another, to whom she was soon after clandestinely married.
4. Another marriage was proposed to me some time after. In the
beginning of this affair, _March 1700_, I was confident to meet with
a disappointment; whereon I resolved to quit it, and did so for some
time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my designs of turning
away. He visibly interposed his providence, gave fresh opportunities,
directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled
those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.
5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with
discouragements again: this was follow’d by new encouragement when I
least expected it: and by this variety of success, I was kept low as
to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God for the event.
6. _December 13._ This forenoon I set apart for prayer: and being to
address God with regard to my proposal of marriage, I began the work
with an enquiry into my own state. Upon this enquiry, I found,
_First_, With respect to God, I was under a full conviction, _that life
was in his favour_, nay, _that his loving-kindness is better than life
itself_. That any interest in his favour is utterly impossible, without
respect had to a mediator: God being holy, I unholy; God a consuming
fire, I a sinner meet to be consum’d: that God out of mere love has
been pleased to send into the world Jesus Christ, as the mediator
through whom sinners might regain his favour.
_Secondly_, With respect to Christ, nothing has been able (since
it was first given me) to shake my full conviction of the following
particulars: that Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as it became the
goodness, justice, wisdom, and power of God to provide; and such as
became the desires and needs of sinners, as being sufficient _to save
all that come to_ God _through him_, and that _to the uttermost, his
blood_ being able _to cleanse from all sin_, his power _to subdue all
things to himself_, and his Spirit _to lead into all truth_: that I
need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durst once
think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to
his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp
me, had he not power to captivate _every thought to the obedience_ of
himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darkness which is my
burden, is from Christ’s prophetical office; and my hope of freedom
from the guilt and power of sin, arises from his priestly and kingly
offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity,
but through him. ’Tis through him I expect all, from the least drop of
water to the immense riches of his glory.
_Thirdly_, With respect to this law, notwithstanding my frequent
breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his
commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and just, and good;
insomuch that I would not desire any alteration in any, and least of
all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I desire inward,
universal conformity to them all, and that in the spiritual meaning
and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the
minutest circumstances of them. _Lastly_, That since the commencement
of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law,
as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more especially in his absolute
submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most
contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could scarce reach this
submission at some times, yet I earnestly desired it, I look’d upon it
as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself so far as I came short of
it.
7. As to the whole, my spirit was in a calm and composed frame: but
contrary to my positive resolution, and under fears of a refusal, I was
carried out to be more peremptory than usual as to the success. Yea,
when I was in the most submissive frame, I was more peremptory as to
the event, than when my heart was most eagerly set upon it.
8. _January 7, 1701_, was a day set apart by us both, to be kept with
fasting and prayer, for obtaining a blessing on our marriage. I began
it with prayer, wherein I endeavoured to trace back sin to my very
infancy. Lord, I have been in all sin: not one of thy commands but I
have broken in almost all instances; save in the outward acts, and from
them, O Lord, only thy free grace restrained me.
*I now again solemnly devoted myself to him, in this new relation I
was to enter upon; beseeching that he would not contend with either
of us, for the sins of our single life; that he would make us holy,
and bless us in this new state, fitting us every way for one another.
In my second address to God by prayer, he gave me much sweetness and
enlargement (blessed be his goodness) in reference to that particular,
for which I set apart this day. When _he prepareth our hearts to pray,
his ear hearkeneth thereto_.
This day I again searched into my state, and found these evidences
of the Lord’s work in my soul: 1. He hath given me by his Spirit some
discovery of the innumerable sins of every period of my life, and
especially of the root of all, the inexpressible corruption of my
nature: 2. He has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliefs
nature leads to, with regard to the guilt of sin; he hath made me
see, that my own works cannot save me, and, I hope, taken me off from
resting upon them; for under trouble, occasioned by sin, nothing but
Christ could quiet me: the view of my own works only increased it. And
God, when he assisted me most therein, so guarded me against this, that
he then always opened my eyes to see a world of sin in them; insomuch
that I have as earnestly desired to be saved from my best duties, as
ever I did from my worst sins: and whenever my heart inclined to lay
some stress on duties spiritually perform’d, God stirred up in my soul
a holy jealousy over my heart in this particular. 3. As to the power
of sin, he hath brought me to an utter despair of relief from my own
prayers, vows, or resolutions. 4. He hath been pleased to determine
me to chuse the gospel-way of salvation, by resting on Christ for
righteousness, sanctification, and redemption; as a way full of
admirable mercy and wisdom; a way of great peace and security to
sinners, and best suited to give glory to God. Upon these grounds, I
conclude, that the Lord hath wrought faith in me, and will compleat my
salvation. And because he hath determined me to chuse him, therefore I
dare call him my God, my Saviour, my Sanctifier.
On _January 23, 1701_, he was accordingly married at _Edinburgh_, to
_Janet Watson_, daughter of Mr. _David Watson_, of _St. Andrews_. By
her he had nine children, three sons and six daughters, of whom one son
and five daughters survived him.
8. In _March, 1705_, his then youngest child fell into a languishing
illness: concerning whom he writes thus: “_April 11._ My child died:
blessed be God, I have had a child to give at his call; and blessed be
the Lord, that he helped me to give her willingly.”
In _March 1712_, his son _George_ fell ill: I had often says he, given
all my children up to God, and now it pleased him to try me in the
tenderest point, whether I would stand to my resignation. I could not
find freedom in a asking for his life, but much, in crying for mercy
for him. Yet I cannot say, but the burthen was great upon me, till
communing with a friend about the state of the church and religion,
concern for God’s interest got the ascendant over that for my own, and
from that time I found comfort: *and the nearer he was to his end, the
more loosed I was from him, and the more chearful was my resignation:
so that before his death, prayers were almost made up of praises, and
he was set off with thanksgiving.
CHAPTER III.
_Of his removal to St. |Andrews|._
1. THE place of professor of divinity in the university of St.
_Andrews_ being vacant, her Majesty’s patent was procured for him:
upon which he made the following reflection: “This seems to be of
the Lord, for it was without so much as a thought in me; yet were all
obstructions removed, all attempts for others crossed, and my spirit
so held that I durst not oppose it, but was obliged to submit to the
desires of those who were the most competent judges.”
2. Accordingly, _April 26, 1710_, he was by the principal of the
college admitted into his professorship. But he enjoyed little health
in that office: for in the beginning of _April, 1711_, he was suddenly
seized with a violent pleurisy, which obliged his physicians to take
from him a large quantity of blood; and although he was relieved
from the disease, he never recovered his strength, by reason of the
indisposition of his stomach, and frequent vomitings. Hereupon ensued,
♦in the following winter, a coldness, swelling and stiffness in his
legs, with frequent and very painful cramps. But besides his bodily
illness, the grievances of the church did not a little add to his
trouble: especially the imposing the oath of abjuration upon ministers,
which he feared might have fatal effects, from the difference of their
sentiments, concerning the lawfulness of it. His advice upon it was,
that after all due information, every one should act according to
the light he had. But what he most of all inculcated was, that their
differing about the meaning of an expression therein, gave no just
ground for any alienation of affection, much less for separation,
either amongst ministers or people.
♦ duplicate word “in” removed
The End of the TENTH VOLUME.
ERRATA, Volume X.
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