Presently Gud ran dead against an ivory wall; but being versed in
aviation, he flew over it. Having done so he went on walking. Gud
perceived that he was walking in a kingdom, and he walked warily, for he
was doubtful whether monarchy was an ideal form of government.
His doubts increased as he noted the subjects of the kingdom, for they
appeared to be full of guile. So when he became tired and sleepy, he
durst not enter into an abode, but lay down beneath a friendly tree and
fell asleep.
When Gud awoke he found that his sandals had been stolen from off his
feet. This made him very sorrowful, for his sandals had been well broken
to fit his own feet but he was worried lest they might hurt the feet of
the thief. So he made a hue and cry. When a subject of the kingdom
appeared, Gud demanded to be taken at once to the king.
The king, being self-made, was not very wise and did not perceive that
Gud was his equal; therefore Gud was obliged to kneel on the little mat
that the king kept before his throne so that visitors would not bruise
their knees on the agate floor.
When Gud had done kneeling and salaaming, the king offered him a
cigarette and selected a cigar for himself. Then he asked how the crops
were where Gud came from.
"They are very good," said Gud, "but the morals in your kingdom are
not."
To Gud's astonishment, the king replied meekly: "I know it."
Gud now related to the king how the very sandals had been stolen from
off his feet as he slept beneath the tree.
"Oh, wise stranger," cried the king, "it grieves me much to have you,
who come from a distant realm, discover that I have thus failed in the
first duty of government which is the protection of property. Therefore
let me make restitution for the injury done you in my kingdom."
The king now sent a lackey to his treasure vault, and he fetched Gud a
pair of jeweled sandals which fitted his feet perfectly.
Gud's grief being assuaged and his anger abated, he was genuinely sorry
for this stupid king, and said to him: "I have knocked about a bit and
picked up a few ideas in practical politics, so perhaps I can help you."
"It is my shame and sorrow," confessed the king, "to admit to you that I
rule over a realm of thieves. We were formerly proud of our talents in
that direction, for at one time this kingdom was surrounded by rich
neighbors and our prosperity was based on the capturing of bounteous
booty from our enemies. Alas, our enemies combined and built a great
ivory wall and walled us in. And now my people steal from each other. I
have issued countless edicts against stealing, and even crucified a few
thieves, but it avails me nothing. My people steal and are proud of it.
Yet there is honor among my thieves. They are at heart law-abiding and
truth-telling citizens."
"How do you know they are?" asked Gud.
"I know, because I had a census taken in which I asked each and every
one if he were a thief, and all the thieves answered most truthfully
that they were thieves."
"How do you know they answered truthfully?" questioned Gud, as he
flecked his ash. "And if they are thieves, how can they be law-abiding
citizens?"
"That explanation is easy. You see, my people do not consider my edicts
against stealing as law because they maintain that it conflicts with
their established habits."
"Did you say all of your citizens were thieves?"
"No, not all; sixty per cent., to be specific. If you do not understand
percentage, that means that there are three thieves for every two honest
men."
When the king said this Gud's eyes brightened and a satisfied smile
beamed on his courtly countenance. "The trouble," said he, "is that your
system of government is wrong."
"What?" exclaimed the king. "I am the government. Am I wrong?"
"Yes, you should have another government."
"You mean that I should hire an assassin to kill me, so that my son
should be the government?"
"No," replied Gud, "I mean that you should have a different form of
government."
"I never heard of a different form of government!" declared the king,
throwing his cigar on the rug in his excitement.
"Then I will explain it to you. What you need is a democracy. Your
people want it for they have an innate sense of it already. They believe
in the majority rule. Because the majority of them are thieves they want
stealing legalized. In fact, to make law against stealing is, under the
circumstances, very demoralizing, for it breeds contempt for law."
"By my crown!" exclaimed the king, slapping his knee. "You are right. If
you will just show me how, we will make this democracy."
So Gud showed the king how to write a declaration of independence and
frame a democratic constitution, and then they staged abdication and the
king placed his crown in the historical museum.
When the king had done that, Gud said: "Now have a bill passed making
stealing legal so that the law will agree with the habits and customs of
the majority."
When the king had done that also Gud said: "You are more popular than
ever, so start a secret society to be called 'The Ancient Order of
Honest Thieves.' Write the constitution and by-laws yourself and make
every citizen of your democracy eligible to membership, providing he can
show proof that he has stolen something; but make it a first principle
of honor that a thief shall not steal from a fellow thief."
The king was delighted, and straightway did all which Gud demanded.
The society was so popular that not only the thieves joined, but the
honest men became thieves and joined also. Everything went well until
all the citizens of the democracy but one had become members of the
"Ancient Order of Honest Thieves." Everything that this man had
possessed had been stolen, and he was naked and hungry, so finally he
decided to join the society. There being no one else left to steal from,
the last honest man stole the jeweled slippers that the king had given
unto Gud.
At this Gud became so angry that he declared himself emperor, and hanged
the king on a rainy day.