_It wasn’t the words_
_That frightened the birds_,
_’Twas the ’orrible double-entendre_.
LADY MOGTON. (_Who has sat waiting in grim silence_.) Have you
finished?
ST. HERBERT. Quite finished.
LADY MOGTON. Thank you. (_She raps for silence_.) You will understand,
please, all, that this is a private meeting of the Council. Nothing that
transpires is to be allowed to leak out. (_There is a murmur_.)
Silence, please, for Mr. St. Herbert.
ST. HERBERT. Before we begin, I should like to remind you, ladies, that
you are, all of you, persons mentally deficient—
(_The door opens_. MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS _enters_, _announced by_
HAKE. _She is a showily-dressed_, _flamboyant lady_.)
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS. I _am_ so sorry. I have only just this
minute—(_She catches sight of_ ST. HERBERT.) You naughty creature, why
weren’t you at my meeting last night? The Rajah came with both his
wives. We’ve elected them, all three, honorary members.
LADY MOGTON. Do you mind sitting down?
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS. Here, dear? (_She takes the vacant chair_.)
So nice of you. I read about your meeting. What a clever idea!
LADY MOGTON. (_Cuts her short_.) Yes. We are here to consider a very
important matter. By way of commencement Mr. St. Herbert has just
reminded us that in the eye of the law all women are imbeciles.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS. I know, dear. Isn’t it shocking?
ST. HERBERT. Deplorable; but of course not your fault. I mention it
because of its importance to the present matter. Under Clause A of the
Act for the Better Regulation, &c., &c., all persons “mentally deficient”
are debarred from becoming members of Parliament. The classification has
been held to include idiots, infants, and women.
(_An interruption_. LADY MOGTON _hammers_.)
Bearing this carefully in mind, we proceed. (_He refers to his notes_.)
Two years ago a bye-election took place for the South-west division of
Belfast.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS. My dear, may I? It has just occurred to me.
Why do we never go to Ireland?
LADY MOGTON. For various sufficient reasons.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS. So many of the Irish members have expressed
themselves quite sympathetically.
LADY MOGTON. We wish them to continue to do so. (_Turns to_ ST.
HERBERT.) I’m sorry.
ST. HERBERT. A leader of the Orange Party was opposed by a Nationalist,
and the proceedings promised to be lively. They promised for a while to
be still livelier, owing to the nomination at the last moment of the
local lunatic.
PHOEBE. (_To_ ANNYS.) This is where we come in.
ST. HERBERT. There is always a local lunatic, who, if harmless, is
generally a popular character. James Washington McCaw appears to have
been a particularly cheerful specimen. One of his eccentricities was to
always have a skipping-rope in his pocket; wherever the traffic allowed
it, he would go through the streets skipping. He said it kept him warm.
Another of his tricks was to let off fireworks from the roof of his house
whenever he heard of the death of anybody of importance. The Returning
Officer refused his nomination—which, so far as his nominators were
concerned, was intended only as a joke—on the grounds of his being by
common report a person of unsound mind. And there, so far as South-west
Belfast was concerned, the matter ended.
PHOEBE. Pity.
ST. HERBERT. But not so far as the Returning Officer was concerned.
McCaw appears to have been a lunatic possessed of means, imbued with all
an Irishman’s love of litigation. He at once brought an action against
the Returning Officer, his contention being that his mental state was a
private matter, of which the Returning Officer was not the person to
judge.
PHOEBE. He wasn’t a lunatic all over.
ST. HERBERT. We none of us are. The case went from court to court. In
every instance the decision was in favour of the Returning Officer.
Until it reached the House of Lords. The decision was given yesterday
afternoon—in favour of the man McCaw.
ELIZABETH. Then lunatics, at all events, are not debarred from going to
the poll.
ST. HERBERT. The “mentally deficient” are no longer debarred from going
to the poll.
ELIZABETH. What grounds were given for the decision?
ST. HERBERT. (_He refers again to his notes_.) A Returning Officer can
only deal with objections arising out of the nomination paper. He has no
jurisdiction to go behind a nomination paper and constitute himself a
court of inquiry as to the fitness or unfitness of a candidate.
PHOEBE. Good old House of Lords!
(LADY MOGTON _hammers_.)
ELIZABETH. But I thought it was part of the Returning Officer’s duty to
inquire into objections, that a special time was appointed to deal with
them.
ST. HERBERT. He will still be required to take cognisance of any
informality in the nomination paper or papers. Beyond that, this
decision relieves him of all further responsibility.
JANET. But this gives us everything.
ST. HERBERT. It depends upon what you call everything. It gives a woman
the right to go to the poll—a right which, as a matter of fact, she has
always possessed.